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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding invitation… who is being unreasonable?

262 replies

Anon133 · 23/02/2023 11:54

Hi all, I’m looking for advice regarding a dispute that has kicked off in my family this morning.

We have had a ‘save the date’ card come through the post this morning for the wedding of a friend of my partner. They are also friends with my partner’s father.

Both my partner and his father have been invited to ceremony and reception afterwards, whilst myself and partner’s step mum have been invited to the evening only.

I personally don’t see an issue with this, I don’t know the couple particularly well and I know that budgets/numbers can be tight (the wedding so happens to fall on my Grandad’s 80th birthday so it’s unlikely I’ll be able to attend in any event).

However, my partner’s father and his step mum have taken it extremely personally and said that couples should be invited to the same parts of the wedding. They also say that they are travelling 2 hours for the wedding so are left in a situation where step mum will be left on her own in an unfamiliar town whilst the ceremony is ongoing.

My partner has also commented that it was rude that I was not invited to both parts of the wedding if he was.

Partner’s father has now approached the bride and groom, who have said they are unable to accommodate and have been upset by the question.

Who’s in the right here? Getting sick of the arguments already 😡😡

OP posts:
AreBearsCatholic · 23/02/2023 11:56

People can invite who they want, the invited can decide whether they want to go on those conditions. Asking was a bit of a faux pas if the situation was clear.

TeenDivided · 23/02/2023 11:58

Save the dates are / should be for people you would be very upset not to attend, so they ABU to send one to you guys at all.

They ABU to do split invites especially with travel involved, they'd be better off just inviting all of you to evening.

On the other hand, their wedding, their rules, invitation not a summons, not worth getting in a tizz about.

user4578 · 23/02/2023 12:00

Neither is "right". Weddings are expensive, guest lists tight and you can invite who you like. Also annoying to be expected to entertain yourself on your own in a town you don't know. Tbh I would decline the invite if I was an evening only guest and I had to travel.

Crunchingleaf · 23/02/2023 12:04

It’s the bride and groom’s wedding day and they are paying for it etc. Personally, I wouldn’t do what they did especially as it’s a two hour drive away. It shows a lack of consideration for the guests. Also many people don’t like going to weddings without a plus one.

RobinRobinMouse · 23/02/2023 12:04

Not sure id make such a fuss, but I would find it weird to separate couples on invites. In our case I doubt either of us would go in the end.

Courtorder · 23/02/2023 12:07

They’ve done nothing at all wrong. You’re couples, not conjoined twins. She’s a big girl and I’m sure she can find a place to have lunch or mooch or browse or can catch a later train by herself - how would she cope attending a wedding if she were single? People doesn’t have to pay fucking ridiculous amounts of money to host someone at their wedding who they don’t know that well simply because they’re connected romantically to someone that they do know well. It’s bizarre and the expectation doesn’t apply to any other event - can anyone imagine posting here saying “my friend is having a birthday dinner and has invited all her friends. She’s not friends with DH and he’s not invited, nor are any other people she’s not friends with. Should I kick off?”.

YANBU

MelchiorsMistress · 23/02/2023 12:07

Honestly I think it’s a bit shitty to only invite one half of a married couple to a marriage ceremony, especially in this circumstance where there’s travelling involved. But it’s their event and they can invite who the want, even if they are making things difficult for their guests.

Starlitestarbright · 23/02/2023 12:09

Given its 2 hrs away they being extremely rude and bad mannered.

recklessgran · 23/02/2023 12:09

It's a nightmare OP. We are currently sorting the wedding of our DD3 and I can assure you it will all boil down to budgets. These days it's circa £100 a head for the wedding breakfast/drinks package so it's very tricky indeed to work out who makes the cut and who doesn't. In our case both the bride and groom have one parent each with 8 or 9 siblings. Completely impossible. Personally we won't be splitting couples but we have had to restrict parent's siblings - one or two who are closer to the whole day and all the others to the evening. I'm quite sure people will be offended but I'm afraid these days it's just too expensive to include everyone to everything. The bride and groom would rather have more of their friends there than relatives they rarely see which of course is their prerogative as it is their day!
In your case there are 3 choices. Either you all decline or your partner and his father decline the day but accept the evening so that the four of you can be together or you and your partner's stepmum spend the afternoon shopping or something whilst your partner and his Dad attend the day.

Lcb123 · 23/02/2023 12:09

The couple can invite who they want to whatever part they want. Save the dates usually for day only. But with your situation I’d say it’s unreasonable they expect partners to hang around for the evening. If there’s you and the stepmom can you hang out together before the evening?

xogossipgirlxo · 23/02/2023 12:09

I think it's bit weird to separate couples, but their wedding, their rules. I wouldn't bother going for evening only, if it involves 2hrs driving.

SpookyBlackCat · 23/02/2023 12:10

I think it’s rude to separate the couple. I agree that it’s not really nice to leave one half of a couple wandering around town liking time while dressed up for a wedding. I get that it’s their wedding, but people really need to be more considerate of their guests.

SpookyBlackCat · 23/02/2023 12:10

Liking time = killing time

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/02/2023 12:11

I think step mum is making a mountain out of “on her own in an unfamiliar town” - in her situation I’d take myself off for an explore and a nice lunch and cross it off the list of seeing new places and doing new things.

If I didn’t want to do that I’d just decline the evening invitation and let my OH go alone. This isn’t a close friend or relative, there’s no need to take it personally or as a snub.

mondaytosunday · 23/02/2023 12:12

Frankly I think married couples and long term partners should be invited together. This thing about separating the different bits seems to be peculiar to here - I don't recall any wedding in the States I've been to that did this. But couples should be together for the same parts.
However, the couple are totally allowed to do what they want in terms of who they invite. But I would be miffed.

ReformedWaywardTeen · 23/02/2023 12:12

It does feel strange if you're both long-term partners. We had number constraints due to Covid but would never have invited one half of a couple to only one part, especially if they were a long term couple.

I mean, their wedding, their rules, of course but it seems quite weird they expect you all to travel a fair distance and then exclude one half?

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2023 12:12

I have sympathy as weddings are expensive and I dislike the pressure to invite people you barely know just so people can have a plus one/bring kids etc. But I do actually think it's a bit shitty to invite just one to the actual ceremony if you know they'll be travelling together and it's a distance away. It's not practical.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 23/02/2023 12:13

I think this is very rude. It’s basic manners that spouses/partners are a social unit when it comes to events like weddings. Personally I’d decline an invite that split us out like this, it’s not a summons.

Danneigh · 23/02/2023 12:16

The couple can invite whoever they want, if anyone has an issue with it they decline. Weddings are guided by numbers, people who don't really know the bride and groom that well don't get to take priority in the day time. Close friends and family take that priority. (Coming from a wedding invitation designer, I get the guest lists a lot and this common when there's room restraints).

CatOnTheChair · 23/02/2023 12:16

I think the bridge and groom haven't been the most accomadating, but the invite is clear, and the guests can accept or not, knowing what it involved.
Questioning the invite is totally unreasonable.

Original poster
Anon133 · 23/02/2023 12:16

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate all of your input!

I will just decline the invite on my part as I’m firmly on the ‘it’s an invitation not a summons’ team, I just hope my partner’s parents calm down now! 😅

OP posts:
LifeunderMarrs · 23/02/2023 12:18

I think this is very weird and quite rude actually, and I also think politely asking them was ok too.

HomeSweetLove · 23/02/2023 12:19

If anyone is that bothered, they can just go to the evening part as a couple or decline the invitation completely. It’s pathetic to be so bothered by it.

RachelSq · 23/02/2023 12:20

There’s always going to a bit of “do we, don’t we” for guests.

They probably thought it reasonable for your DH and FIL to attend together, and you and MIL to spend the day together and then come for the night. Not the traditional couple, but pairings non the less and they get the people they really know at the reception.

It’s up to the guests to decide if they want to accept the invitation or not.

Genie321 · 23/02/2023 12:21

I think it is extremely strange to be honest. Surely you invite the couple to the whole day or just evening? I would not travel two hours to wait while my husband is at the wedding, for me to turn up just for the evening. I would decline the invite too.

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