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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding invitation… who is being unreasonable?

262 replies

Anon133 · 23/02/2023 11:54

Hi all, I’m looking for advice regarding a dispute that has kicked off in my family this morning.

We have had a ‘save the date’ card come through the post this morning for the wedding of a friend of my partner. They are also friends with my partner’s father.

Both my partner and his father have been invited to ceremony and reception afterwards, whilst myself and partner’s step mum have been invited to the evening only.

I personally don’t see an issue with this, I don’t know the couple particularly well and I know that budgets/numbers can be tight (the wedding so happens to fall on my Grandad’s 80th birthday so it’s unlikely I’ll be able to attend in any event).

However, my partner’s father and his step mum have taken it extremely personally and said that couples should be invited to the same parts of the wedding. They also say that they are travelling 2 hours for the wedding so are left in a situation where step mum will be left on her own in an unfamiliar town whilst the ceremony is ongoing.

My partner has also commented that it was rude that I was not invited to both parts of the wedding if he was.

Partner’s father has now approached the bride and groom, who have said they are unable to accommodate and have been upset by the question.

Who’s in the right here? Getting sick of the arguments already 😡😡

OP posts:
Pseudonamed · 23/02/2023 13:42

Disgustingly rude. I would not go on principal if my partner was omitted from the save the date.

PurpleButterflyWings · 23/02/2023 13:42

Guis · 23/02/2023 13:40

To me it seems rude to invite one half of a couple.
Assuming they know people are married; have a partner etc then it is expected and usual to invite both. If finances are that tight, invite neither. But not one without the other. It isn't some sort of boy's night out. It is a wedding for goodness sake.
If I was your other half I would not go. And nor I suspect will your partners father who understandably feels insulted on his wife's behalf.
What were they thinking? All the 'people they really know' etc can go too far. The expectation that you would do so in such situations is unreasonable.

100% this! ^

PurpleButterflyWings · 23/02/2023 13:43

Inviting one half of a couple to a wedding ceremony, and not the other half, and expecting the other half to hang around for two to three hours waiting for the evening do, (like a fucking spare part,) is ridiculous, rude, and inconsiderate. And actually pretty bloody unacceptable. Fuck 'it's the bride and groom's wedding they can do what they like!' They don't get to treat people like shit because 'it's THEIR wedding.'

If I was only invited to the evening do, and my DH was invited to the wedding ceremony, AND the evening do, I just flat out would not be going at all. Indeed, my husband wouldn't go at all, because he would consider it extremely offensive towards me as well as rude. Don't invite me to your wedding ceremony, when my DH is invited, then like fuck would I be coming to the evening do... As I said though, DH wouldn't go anyway. (To either one!)

I think it's extremely odd to think it's OK to invite one half of a couple to the wedding ceremony (when the other half is not invited,) and then expect the one not invited to the ceremony to attend the evening do. Pretty shitty behaviour IMO.

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2023 13:45

Everanewbie · 23/02/2023 13:33

Hi OP. My wedding a couple of years ago. We were pretty close to venue capacity with just the day guests. Hubby and I both wanted a few extra for the band and party but we could only have another 10 guests. I had 5 work friends I wanted to come and hubby had 5 friends from his hobby. We couldn't have 20 so we invited named people only from work/hobby. One of hubby's hobby friends doesn't speak to him anymore because he didn't invite his wife.

It looks strange what they've done but try to be understanding of their circumstances and limits on capacity and budget. At the end of the day, you can always just decline politely.

Unless you are very good friends with work colleagues/hobby friends and see them as couples, I think it's perfectly normal to just invite those you work with/actually know to the evening only.

That clearly isn't the case with the OP though

Favouritefruits · 23/02/2023 13:50

I do think it’s a bit strange to only invite half of a married couple, I understand numbers and budgets but still seems a bit odd.

Tallulasdancingshoes · 23/02/2023 13:54

I think it’s very odd not to invite a couple together. When dh and I got married we invited people we didn’t particularly know because they were part of a couple. For example, dh cousin had a serious boyfriend (lived together) who we had never met. We invited them both to the full day/evening because they were a couple. They have since married and we were both invited to their wedding. I find it odd when people just invite the part of the couple they know better. It’s not really how life works.

HMW1906 · 23/02/2023 13:57

It’s up to the bride and groom who they invite, numbers/budget is often tight at weddings. I’ve been invited to multiple weddings of friends, both local and a distance away, where I've been invited to the entire day but my husband has only been invited to the evening reception. He often doesn’t know these friends and if he does he’s only met them once or twice (usually at another friends wedding) so I don’t expect him to have an invite. My husband would often just drive down separately in the evening or he’ll travel down with me and just check into the hotel and have a chill out afternoon.

luckylavender · 23/02/2023 13:57

RobinRobinMouse · 23/02/2023 12:04

Not sure id make such a fuss, but I would find it weird to separate couples on invites. In our case I doubt either of us would go in the end.

This

PillBoxes · 23/02/2023 13:59

I hate this fashion for "save the dates". It removes my ability to give dubious excuses to decline when the invite actually arrives, such as holidays already booked and so on. 😉

Weddings have us by the short and curlies in every way now!

OP I would not go either.

ColdHandsHotHead · 23/02/2023 14:01

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2023 13:31

Dressed in her evening finery?

Or will she have to shell out for a hotel room to get changed in?

All should have been invited together to the evening or not at all.

Show quote history

It shouldn't be beyond anyone to choose a dress that she can go shopping and have lunch in and a spare pair of shoes to change into in the car. Good heavens, I've had colleagues turn up to work in cocktail frocks before now and nobody batted an eyelid.

lovemelongtime · 23/02/2023 14:01

Think this husband and father should go alone, share a twin room and save the brief with MIl. Your approach is the right one

AxolotlEars · 23/02/2023 14:03

I personally wouldn't invite one half of a couple to a wedding. If I received an invitation like that I wouldn't complain or ask if my partner could come

philautia · 23/02/2023 14:04

I think that's very strange, I wouldn't split up couples on a wedding day.

I also wouldn't ask but I'd probably give the real reason I wasn't attending when I declined the invite.

BeachBlondey · 23/02/2023 14:06

It's certainly bad etiquette to invite couples to different parts of the day like this. I've been to many many weddings, and I've never seen this done. It's worked out well for you, as you can spend the day with your Grandad, but I can see why your Partners Dad and stepmum would be put out. That said, in their shoes, I wouldn't have said anything. Yes, stepmum will have to amuse herself for the first part of the day, but she's a fully grown woman, I'm sure she can handle it! Personally, I'd have a pamper morning, or swim if the hotel has a pool.

MachineBee · 23/02/2023 14:06

This sort of situation is always very polarising. It’s a shame the bride and groom didn’t speak to those in your group before sending out Save The Date and/or formal invitation. It would have probably saved a lot of hurt feelings.

Drizzlepeacefully · 23/02/2023 14:09

I think it’s strange to separate a married couple at a wedding - I think in your place DH and his Dad should just go to the day time event and no one bother with the evening or all just attend the evening do . I understand it’s cost motivated but that needs to be balanced against upsetting people . Would DH and his Dad have been offended by an evening only invite for all of you ?

Original poster
Anon133 · 23/02/2023 14:13

I think you’re right about your comments regarding it being an age thing. I just mentioned what had happened to my mother and she thought it was rude of the B and G.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 23/02/2023 14:13

I find it strange, if we got such an invitation and wanted to go, then we'd both just accept for the evening. If they didn't like that then we would probably dine completely.

starfishmummy · 23/02/2023 14:14

starfishmummy · 23/02/2023 14:13

I find it strange, if we got such an invitation and wanted to go, then we'd both just accept for the evening. If they didn't like that then we would probably dine completely.

Decline!! Not dine!!

BluebellBlueballs · 23/02/2023 14:18

Personally I wouldn't dream of inviting one half of a couple to the ceremony but I respect the rights of B & G to do what they want.

I think it's a bit of a dick move though.

Applesonthelawn · 23/02/2023 14:20

I think just don't go, but don't get excited about it in any way. They want you to go separately, you don't want to go anyway and your stepmother/FIL are offended. Attendance is not compulsory. I think the bride and groom are slightly more in the wrong but you don't have to do what they ask, so just don't.

Luana1 · 23/02/2023 14:24

If people are expecting a couple to travel a fair distance to their wedding, it is a bit odd to invite them to different parts - I've never heard of anyone doing this, unless the partner was very new on the scene. However if I was going to a wedding somewhere new and staying in a nice hotel, I wouldn't mind only going to the evening as I would have a nice relaxing afternoon to myself while my DH attended the wedding part. But I can totally see your parent's POV.

beamout · 23/02/2023 14:24

Odd not to invite couples to the same parts

interedin · 23/02/2023 14:27

That's such a dumb thing to be honest. Just invite both to the same part.

Normandy144 · 23/02/2023 14:34

I agree it is rude and a very awkward invitation to invite one half of a couple to it all and the other half to the evening. Some people don't think that way though and let their budget dictate to the extreme. If they can't afford all 4 of you to the whole thing then I would have just done evening invitations for all 4.

I don't think however that your partner's father should have complained. The invitation is what it is and so you accept or decline on that basis. It's not a negotiation. So in a way everyone is being unreasonable. The bride and groom for such an awkward two-part invite, and your partner's father for complaining about it.