Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invitation… who is being unreasonable?

262 replies

Anon133 · 23/02/2023 11:54

Hi all, I’m looking for advice regarding a dispute that has kicked off in my family this morning.

We have had a ‘save the date’ card come through the post this morning for the wedding of a friend of my partner. They are also friends with my partner’s father.

Both my partner and his father have been invited to ceremony and reception afterwards, whilst myself and partner’s step mum have been invited to the evening only.

I personally don’t see an issue with this, I don’t know the couple particularly well and I know that budgets/numbers can be tight (the wedding so happens to fall on my Grandad’s 80th birthday so it’s unlikely I’ll be able to attend in any event).

However, my partner’s father and his step mum have taken it extremely personally and said that couples should be invited to the same parts of the wedding. They also say that they are travelling 2 hours for the wedding so are left in a situation where step mum will be left on her own in an unfamiliar town whilst the ceremony is ongoing.

My partner has also commented that it was rude that I was not invited to both parts of the wedding if he was.

Partner’s father has now approached the bride and groom, who have said they are unable to accommodate and have been upset by the question.

Who’s in the right here? Getting sick of the arguments already 😡😡

OP posts:
BadNomad · 23/02/2023 13:13

Danneigh · 23/02/2023 12:58

That's not their call to make. Partners are not invited.

Show quote history

I know. My point is partners were not invited because of numbers. So if they were to invite partners too, they wouldn't be able to invite all their actual friends. I'm pretty sure DH and FIL would complain about that also if it meant one of them didn't get an invite.

InsertMoniker · 23/02/2023 13:14

Also annoying to be expected to entertain yourself on your own in a town you don't know

See, if it was me, I wouldn't think like that. I really love exploring new towns. When dh had full day meetings in various places, I would tag along with him and spend the day visiting places of interest in the town. There always are some!
Not saying everybody should feel like this, but not everyone would see it as a downside. Anyway, in this case there are two people, OP and the step mum.
So neither would be on their own.

Whydoitry · 23/02/2023 13:15

I think it's super rude not to invite both halves of a married couple to a wedding together. I would be offended as your Step-Mum.

But if you're not offended, great. Go and enjoy it!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/02/2023 13:15

A huge faux pas.

Hongkongsuey · 23/02/2023 13:16

I’d be really upset if my husband was invited but I was excluded. Married couples should both be invited or not at all. To do what they’ve done is cringing rude.

Banchory · 23/02/2023 13:20

Hongkongsuey · 23/02/2023 13:16

I’d be really upset if my husband was invited but I was excluded. Married couples should both be invited or not at all. To do what they’ve done is cringing rude.

Now you see I’d love it.
I’d book a nice hotel and while dh was at the wedding I’d shop or go to a museum then I’d get ready for the evening whilst having a glass of wine.

BreviloquentBastard · 23/02/2023 13:20

I love invitations like this, because generally speaking weddings are a bit dull but the after-party is fun. I get it, wedding venues are expensive and some people want the ceremony to be smaller. Whatever, it's their day, I haven't the energy to get my back up about it!

We had one recently, friend of DH who I barely know. He went to the wedding and I took myself out for brunch and a wander around, then dolled up and headed over for the reception. It was great!

burnoutbabe · 23/02/2023 13:20

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 23/02/2023 12:41

Really rude to invite one partner to the whole thing and the other to the evening do. Shows no consideration at all for their guests. No, it isn’t simply ‘their wedding, their rules’. You don’t treat people like that. Hosts and guests both should respect and consider each other’s needs and just be reasonable.

Also why should you respect their marriage if they don't respect the marriage /relationships of their guests?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/02/2023 13:21

I think it’s pretty shit of them, when the wedding isn’t local to the invitees. What do they expect the less invited member of the couple to do all day? And it’s just not… nice, is it?

Maybe let them know that you’ll be declining to go to Grandad’s do, and that might help them save a bit of money towards poor step mum.

toastofthetown · 23/02/2023 13:21

SerafinasGoose · 23/02/2023 12:31

Probably an aside from the main event of the thread, but 'Save the date' cards sent far in advance of any proposed stick in my craw. I might not want to save that particular date. My personal circumstances might change. An important conference might come up that it would be within my interests to attend. I might simply have too much else going on around that time - including stuff I don't know about yet because it's months down the line - and not want to write off another weekend once plans had solidified.

Gets right up my hooter at work, too, when I receive an invitation in October for a meeting or away day taking place the following June. HTF do I know whether I'll be available at that point?

All smacks of 'we got there first, so you have to prioritize us', even when you've neither been sent an invitation nor accepted one.

What a strange way of thinking about it. A save the date isn’t a command; it’s a heads up. You don’t even need to RSVP to a save the date. It’s just there so if you want to attend the wedding, you can keep that date free, and knowing as far in advance as possible helps with planning. If you don’t care about attending the wedding then you can decline when the invitation arrives. No one will be interrogating you as to whether the reason you declined predated your save the date notice.

GalaApples · 23/02/2023 13:24

I have never understood why people think both halves of a couple should attend weddings, particularly if one of them does not know the couple getting married that well. What is wrong with your partner's stepmum that she cannot occupy or amuse herself for two hours? You would be with her probably anyway? I just don't get it. Go as invited, and leave her to stew. Its their wedding, their way.

Original poster
Anon133 · 23/02/2023 13:25

Thanks everyone for the responses 😊

I’ve told my partner to just decline for myself and thank them for the invite (probably a bit too late now FIL has spoken for all of us to be considered genuine but it is what it is). My OH can decide for himself what he wants to do.

I didn’t particularly consider the travel element of it all to begin with which I think has complicated things. Still, I would’ve just politely declined the invitation rather than causing this fuss!

OP posts:
SerafinasGoose · 23/02/2023 13:26

toastofthetown · 23/02/2023 13:21

What a strange way of thinking about it. A save the date isn’t a command; it’s a heads up. You don’t even need to RSVP to a save the date. It’s just there so if you want to attend the wedding, you can keep that date free, and knowing as far in advance as possible helps with planning. If you don’t care about attending the wedding then you can decline when the invitation arrives. No one will be interrogating you as to whether the reason you declined predated your save the date notice.

Show quote history

Merely personal experience talking.

Were everyone this reasonable about the issuing and function of these cards I'm sure issues would not arise.

burnoutbabe · 23/02/2023 13:26

Inviting local friends as a group without partners is a bit different- the netball team or people from work who generally socialise or are together without partners anyway.

But family events one always takes one's partner usually? Not blood only!

(Just blood for tiny registry office wedding is acceptable if everyone treated equally and somewhere arranged for the rest to wait before all eating together-but here I assume it's just say siblings and parents and no one else)

Whydoitry · 23/02/2023 13:29

Courtorder · 23/02/2023 12:55

But what difference does it make that her husband is going earlier? If she were single then she wouldn’t have a husband. Single people manage to go to weddings, why can’t a married person manage to go alone?

If she were single she would just go to the wedding at the time she had been invited, whether that was in the evening or for the whole day.

She can do exactly this even though she’s married. There’s not one tiny thing that’s any different.

Show quote history

It's different to me because it's a wedding which by definition means you are being invited to celebrate someone's marriage. But they haven't bothered to invite YOUR spouse, so showing complete disrespect for your marriage. To me it's so so rude.

And yes, I have been to weddings alone as a single person, and as a married person when dh has a prior commitment. But I would be offended if dh wasn't invited with the possible exception of a tiny wedding with, like, 4 people where no partners at all were invited.

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2023 13:31

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/02/2023 12:11

I think step mum is making a mountain out of “on her own in an unfamiliar town” - in her situation I’d take myself off for an explore and a nice lunch and cross it off the list of seeing new places and doing new things.

If I didn’t want to do that I’d just decline the evening invitation and let my OH go alone. This isn’t a close friend or relative, there’s no need to take it personally or as a snub.

Dressed in her evening finery?

Or will she have to shell out for a hotel room to get changed in?

All should have been invited together to the evening or not at all.

Everanewbie · 23/02/2023 13:33

Hi OP. My wedding a couple of years ago. We were pretty close to venue capacity with just the day guests. Hubby and I both wanted a few extra for the band and party but we could only have another 10 guests. I had 5 work friends I wanted to come and hubby had 5 friends from his hobby. We couldn't have 20 so we invited named people only from work/hobby. One of hubby's hobby friends doesn't speak to him anymore because he didn't invite his wife.

It looks strange what they've done but try to be understanding of their circumstances and limits on capacity and budget. At the end of the day, you can always just decline politely.

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2023 13:35

I think that it’s weird not to invite couples to the same parts of a wedding.

I think evening invitations (if you have to have them) should only be for local guests.

I wouldn’t be offended, I just wouldn’t go.

Beautiful3 · 23/02/2023 13:36

I do think that's strange to just invite the men to the whole thing, but not their partners. Afterall they'll be travelling together, and who are they going to stand/talk with. Its rude and I'd decline on that basis.

Scandimama · 23/02/2023 13:37

think they’re BU. You don’t invite only one half of a couple to a wedding.

Danneigh · 23/02/2023 13:37

To the people saying everyone should have been invited.....Curious as to what you think the bride and groom should have sacrificed?

Family members being told not to come so friends partners can come?

A different venue with double capacity to include all? And obviously a much higher budget to accommodate a lot more people?

A different venue closer to friends so that it's more convenient for them?

Not inviting friends at all because they didn't have space for friends and partners so left them out completely?

Just totally curious, as simply just saying they should have all been invited we all know is not as simple as it seems, otherwise, you guessed it, they'd have all been invited.

RosesAndHellebores · 23/02/2023 13:37

Simple rules and expectations seem.so often forgotten nowadays.

  1. It is the responsibility of the hosts to be mindful of the guests' needs for hospitality.
  1. A marriage or wedding represents also the joining of two families as well as two people, the couple.
  1. A buffet and wine in a nicely decorated church hall that includes all guests is far nicer than a succession of events in grand surroundings that exclude some of the people for some of the time.
  1. An "all day" event from 12 noon until midnight is really not necessary and few people have that stamina. If they do, there is nothing more likely to spoil an event than a drunk at 9pm who has been drinking since a quick one before the wedding.

What is wrong with the marriage ceremony followed by a three/four course reception and perhaps some dancing after the speeches or ceremony followed by a buffet in a church hall and some dancing?

I don't comprehend the obsession with wedding with very expensive dress and six bridesmaids, followed by an overdecorated reception in an expensive hotel, followed by and evening party for larger numbers. Why not just scrap the evening party and save costs there?

Oh for the weddings of my youth (1980s) where the ceremony was a modest affair followed by drinks and nibbles/canapés in a half marquee if budget was tight. Close family often then had dinner at a local restaurant and the friends either went out to dinner where we were staying or back in London if the wedding was in the home counties. If money wasn't tight there'd be a glorious late lunch in a full marquee, possibly followed by dancing. There was never, ever a pay bar.

TenoringBehind · 23/02/2023 13:37

I think it’s rude and would decline, but I wouldn’t be upset about it.

Guis · 23/02/2023 13:40

To me it seems rude to invite one half of a couple.
Assuming they know people are married; have a partner etc then it is expected and usual to invite both. If finances are that tight, invite neither. But not one without the other. It isn't some sort of boy's night out. It is a wedding for goodness sake.
If I was your other half I would not go. And nor I suspect will your partners father who understandably feels insulted on his wife's behalf.
What were they thinking? All the 'people they really know' etc can go too far. The expectation that you would do so in such situations is unreasonable.

Talia99 · 23/02/2023 13:41

Formal etiquette says both should be invited. I’d think the bride and groom were rude but I also probably wouldn’t care that much. If I was really close to them, I might suggest some people (particularly older people brought up when etiquette rules were more rigid) would be very offended as has apparently happened here but otherwise, I’d just decline the invite.

Unless it’s really convenient and there’s no travel, if you don’t see me as being close enough to be at the wedding, I’m not going to bother making any effort for just the evening do.

Swipe left for the next trending thread