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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding invitation… who is being unreasonable?

262 replies

Anon133 · 23/02/2023 11:54

Hi all, I’m looking for advice regarding a dispute that has kicked off in my family this morning.

We have had a ‘save the date’ card come through the post this morning for the wedding of a friend of my partner. They are also friends with my partner’s father.

Both my partner and his father have been invited to ceremony and reception afterwards, whilst myself and partner’s step mum have been invited to the evening only.

I personally don’t see an issue with this, I don’t know the couple particularly well and I know that budgets/numbers can be tight (the wedding so happens to fall on my Grandad’s 80th birthday so it’s unlikely I’ll be able to attend in any event).

However, my partner’s father and his step mum have taken it extremely personally and said that couples should be invited to the same parts of the wedding. They also say that they are travelling 2 hours for the wedding so are left in a situation where step mum will be left on her own in an unfamiliar town whilst the ceremony is ongoing.

My partner has also commented that it was rude that I was not invited to both parts of the wedding if he was.

Partner’s father has now approached the bride and groom, who have said they are unable to accommodate and have been upset by the question.

Who’s in the right here? Getting sick of the arguments already 😡😡

OP posts:
ChristinaXYZ · 23/02/2023 14:34

Staggeringly, eye wateringly rude to only invite half a couple. Really, really off.

If someone really has to do this for space or money reasons then the invitation, or date card should be preceeded by a deeply apologetic phone call. It is an awful thing to do otherwise. Offence is rightly taken.

Whilst people are not conjoined twins as a PP notes it is a massively entrenched convention on a par with saying please and thank you to invite couples together - something that is part of our wedding and formal party culture for all our lifetimes and beyond.

You can ignore it and are free to like you are free to not say please and thank you but you can't stop people like OP's partner and father taking offence at bad manners. Because it is bad manners. As I say a genuine, heartfelt explanation before hand at least acknowledging the faux pas is 100% necessay. If they couple take offence at the question then they really are pushing the bad manners at their their friends expense.

monomatapea · 23/02/2023 14:36

You'll probably find nearer the time they'll have a drop out and you'll be invited.. that's the time to laugh in their face and say no

monomatapea · 23/02/2023 14:37

Send a congratulations card to one half of the couple

soupey1 · 23/02/2023 14:38

It is strange (and bad mannered) to only invite one half of a long standing couple. If it happened to us neither of us would go especially as there is a significant journey to get there.

Sugarfree23 · 23/02/2023 14:48

It's verging on funny to think their wedding day when two become one, jointed together from this day forward in holy matrimony, they miss the point for other couples.

I've never heard of inviting one half of a couple in real life but I think it's very rude. I wouldn't even give work colleagues an evening invite without extending it to their significant others.

ijustneedanamefgs · 23/02/2023 14:53

I don’t like it tbh. Unless it’s a work colleague in which case I would only expect the person they work with to be invited. For family/friends it should be both or none, especially if they have to travel for it. It would have been better to invite all to the evening do. Or even just to invite father and son.

Drfosters · 23/02/2023 14:53

I’ll be honest I wouldn’t dream of splitting a married (or long term unmarried couple). It is weird. When I got married I was quite young so lots of single friends or couples where I hadn’t met the partner so only invited our friends. Older family couples all got an invite even i didn’t know one of them. It is tricky where numbers are restricted and costs so high but it would still be weird to me if my husband was invited and I wasn’t. Not sure if make a fuss though unless it was close family.

neighboursmustliveon · 23/02/2023 14:54

I don't think it's polite to split couples personally but I can see why people do it.

I think if any distance for travel is due then only a full invite is acceptable. I personally don't think an evening only invite (if there is a full day) is acceptable for long distance. Certainly inviting one part of couple and not the other when you know they are travelling is rude.

Fil should not have said anything though, I would have declined the invite and if asked why said the logistics of travel and his wife not being invited until the evening made it too difficult. Or I might just accept both for the evening and let the couple invite someone else in my place for the day time.

Gjallerhorn · 23/02/2023 14:58

It would not bother me but then again I have flown to America twice alone to attend weddings minus my husband.

I am still a functioning adult without him being around.

Hevviie · 23/02/2023 14:59

Can't they just all skip the ceremony and go the evening together?

2bazookas · 23/02/2023 15:00

I would not accept such an invitation. I'd just politely reply

" Tim and Anon thank you for the wedding invitations and regret we are unable to attend".

KevinsChilli · 23/02/2023 15:02

So not inviting the partner to a wedding is a bit weird, but fine, people sometimes want a smaller wedding or to keep costs down.
Inviting one half to the full day and one to just the evening when the wedding involves 2 hours travel thought is just rude. So one half has to wait around all day to show up whilst the other waits around? I wouldn't bother.

KevinsChilli · 23/02/2023 15:04

Gjallerhorn · 23/02/2023 14:58

It would not bother me but then again I have flown to America twice alone to attend weddings minus my husband.

I am still a functioning adult without him being around.

Yes but this is different, if you got all the way out there and your husband was only invited to the evening do. It's a bit of a strange thing to do really. Either invite both to the whole thing, or just the one half you really want there.

BubziOwl · 23/02/2023 15:04

Sugarfree23 · 23/02/2023 14:48

It's verging on funny to think their wedding day when two become one, jointed together from this day forward in holy matrimony, they miss the point for other couples.

I've never heard of inviting one half of a couple in real life but I think it's very rude. I wouldn't even give work colleagues an evening invite without extending it to their significant others.

I agree, I've genuinely never encountered this in real life. Imo if you can't afford to invite both people, then you're trying to have a wedding that's bigger/more expensive than you can afford 🤷‍♀️ and I say this as someone who had an extremely small wedding budget.

I also think it's daft when people say the bride and groom have the right to do what they want... well yes, there's no law against bad manners. Of course they can decide to forgo etiquette expectations if they like, but that doesn't make it any less rude!

Apairofsparklingeyes · 23/02/2023 15:09

If the couple had skipped the save the date cards and postage expense they might have been able to afford to invite all of you!

I think it’s very rude to only invite one half of a couple to a wedding.

Catspyjamas17 · 23/02/2023 15:13

I think what they have done is poor form and could obviously cause offence. Particularly as it's a second wife situation, it makes it look like she's second best. It wouldn't bother me too much either way as a guest - I'd be happy to potter round an unfamiliar town on my own or chill out, read a book and have a glass of wine - though I would never ever issue invitations myself on that basis.

DaisyDucks · 23/02/2023 15:16

I no longer attend weddings if one of us is invited all day and the other is only invited in the evening. It’s never convenient for us so we don’t go.

It’s their choice to choose who they invite (but it’s rude) and it’s my choice to decline (I’m not rude).

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/02/2023 15:26

Given it's a 2hr journey away the couple would travel together it does seem not right

Saying that it's the b&g decision and partners are always possible in numbers and money and space

I take it you won't be going at grandad 80th

Catspyjamas17 · 23/02/2023 15:26

I hated being split up as a couple when we were young and had not long been in a serious relationship, (but lived together, very much in the love's young dream phase) when DH was best man and we were both there all day but he had to sit on another table so we were split up for a lot of the day. It was a bit thoughtless of the bride and groom I thought as I would know no-one else there. And as I was young and pretty then several single guys there were hitting on me as it appeared as if I was single. Plus DH had to go to the rehearsal the day before and we also went to a family dinner the night before so hardly had any time alone. It was a lovely wedding in all but much better when I could finally sit with DH and have a dance and actually spend some time together.

I wouldn't care now if I had to sit apart from DH, I am far more confident and chatty, and I would hardly be fighting the men off, but I still think it's a bad idea to split couples up, but particularly unfair when one of them doesn't know anyone and they are really loved up and hate being apart.

goodmorningsunny · 23/02/2023 15:27

I had a COVID wedding and had a strictly "no plus 1s" because I was limited to 30 people and I didn't know 90% of the +1s. I still had family members kicking off because their kids couldn't bring girlfriends I had never met (who they have now broken up with). I think even if it isn't a COVID wedding, it is 100% the b&g's decision who can come and when. If you're not paying for the wedding, you have no say on how it is organised or who is invited, end of.

Youwhatnowbiggles · 23/02/2023 15:28

I’ll stick my head above the parapet and say I think it’s rude to separate couples at a single event like this. But manners and weddings seem to have parted company years ago!! That said, Dh & I would just decline the invite rather than call them.

BlueHeelers · 23/02/2023 15:31

Yeah, I think it's pretty rude. And I don't get their logic in excluding you from the ceremony.

If it's a church wedding, anyone can go to it - that's the whole point - it's a public declaration of a two people forming a legally sanctioned & legally binding relationship.

1FootInTheRave · 23/02/2023 15:37

The invitation is really rude.

Worse as they are travelling.

zurala · 23/02/2023 15:57

It's incredibly rude to only invite one half of a couple. It's becoming increasingly common but it is really bad manners.
I refused to go to my cousin's wedding because they didn't invite my fiance. It's just so rude.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 23/02/2023 15:59

I think it's rude but I wouldn't have asked them. If it was me I'd have simply RSVP'd saying we'd both only be going to the evening. If they came back and asked why I'd tell them its 2 hours away and we are travelling together, and don't want to leave DH in a random place all dressed up in his suit to hang aimlessly for several hours. If they get pissy and say they want you there, you say I'm sorry but I don't have suitable transport arrangements to facilitate us attending seperately. Still pissy, then I'd just outright decline.

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