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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invitation… who is being unreasonable?

262 replies

Anon133 · 23/02/2023 11:54

Hi all, I’m looking for advice regarding a dispute that has kicked off in my family this morning.

We have had a ‘save the date’ card come through the post this morning for the wedding of a friend of my partner. They are also friends with my partner’s father.

Both my partner and his father have been invited to ceremony and reception afterwards, whilst myself and partner’s step mum have been invited to the evening only.

I personally don’t see an issue with this, I don’t know the couple particularly well and I know that budgets/numbers can be tight (the wedding so happens to fall on my Grandad’s 80th birthday so it’s unlikely I’ll be able to attend in any event).

However, my partner’s father and his step mum have taken it extremely personally and said that couples should be invited to the same parts of the wedding. They also say that they are travelling 2 hours for the wedding so are left in a situation where step mum will be left on her own in an unfamiliar town whilst the ceremony is ongoing.

My partner has also commented that it was rude that I was not invited to both parts of the wedding if he was.

Partner’s father has now approached the bride and groom, who have said they are unable to accommodate and have been upset by the question.

Who’s in the right here? Getting sick of the arguments already 😡😡

OP posts:
RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 23/02/2023 12:41

Really rude to invite one partner to the whole thing and the other to the evening do. Shows no consideration at all for their guests. No, it isn’t simply ‘their wedding, their rules’. You don’t treat people like that. Hosts and guests both should respect and consider each other’s needs and just be reasonable.

Original poster
Anon133 · 23/02/2023 12:43

Unfortunately I’ve been dragged into this by my partner’s father speaking to the bride and groom, who in turn have become annoyed at all of us!

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/02/2023 12:43

Anon133 · 23/02/2023 12:16

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate all of your input!

I will just decline the invite on my part as I’m firmly on the ‘it’s an invitation not a summons’ team, I just hope my partner’s parents calm down now! 😅

If they’re upset by FIL’s question it would be really kind of you to decline mentioning your Grandad’s 80th

Just so they don’t think you’re in the same mindset as them.

I agree with you though - I don’t see the harm in inviting the ones you know best all day and their partners in the evening (if at all). Weddings are expensive and numbers are tricky.

People take offence far too easily imo.

Pipsquiggle · 23/02/2023 12:46

It's their wedding, they can invite who they like. I don't think they have done the right thing but there you go.

I wouldn't split married people up on a wedding invite, I believe in 'no ring, no bring ' - unless you've been living together for 2+ years.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 23/02/2023 12:47

Both the wedding couple and DP parents are being unreasonable. Yes of course it's an invitation not a summons and the couple can invite who they like, but it's a proper slap in the face to a couple that aren't local to the place the wedding is being held to invite one individual to the whole day and the other only to the evening - it very much puts the less-invited person in a shitty position, and nice people don't do that to even quite distant friends and family.

You of course are being perfectly reasonable to decline, you have better things to do. If DP's step-mum doesn't want to decline then both she and DP-dad should only accept for the evening-only part of the event, and hold the line that they are an all-or-nothing deal. But wangling for an extra full-day invite is inappropriate, they shouldn't have done that.

Danneigh · 23/02/2023 12:48

People do take offence far too easily. I mean I didn't have a wedding like this at all, I had an abroad wedding just me and my DH because i couldn't be doing with all the fuss. But I have been invited to a wedding completely without my DH because of numbers. The bride and grooms immediate family are taking all of the couple spots, I wouldnt be in the slightest bit arsed and neither is my DH that he's not invited at all. He knows these people, but they are my friends and not his. He understands the room is only so big and how could all of our partners take spaces of immediate family and friends.

So it's either I miss out because I'm offended, or I go and have a great day/night because I'm a big girl and can go to a wedding with a group of other friends without being joined to my DH. My preference would be to be there him, but jeez it wouldn't stop me going or being offended. It's not my wedding and I'm not paying.

FrangipaniBlue · 23/02/2023 12:49

Anon133 · 23/02/2023 12:43

Unfortunately I’ve been dragged into this by my partner’s father speaking to the bride and groom, who in turn have become annoyed at all of us!

I can totally see you've been put in an awkward position because now the couple will think you are declining "because you've thrown your toys out" over not being invited to the whole wedding.

When in reality you have a prior commitment!

ToastToastTea · 23/02/2023 12:50

If guests are travelling and likely to need an overnight stay then it's rude to split couples.
I would be offended if my husband was invited to the whole wedding 2 hours away and I was only invited to the evening and expected to sit around all day.

icefishing · 23/02/2023 12:53

The B&G have been pretty thoughtless, FIL will have to travel with his partner and she is then going to have to hang around by herself, get herself something to eat, travel to the evening venue.
In their position I would definitely decline the whole event for us a couple.

Brefugee · 23/02/2023 12:55

I think it's rude to separate travelling couples like this. But i also think it's rude to call and ask to change it. As the "evening only" invitee I'd decline. Depending on how expensive travel/hotels are as the all day invitee I'd be working out if i really wanted to spend that much on just me instead of a weekend away with my partner. And probably turn that down too.

Which may be the intention?

purplecorkheart · 23/02/2023 12:55

It is usual not to invite both given the long distance but is entirely the Bride and Groom choice. I would be annoyed with your partners dad for approaching the Bride and Groom about your invite and I would ask your dp to let them know that you had nothing to do with dp's father talking to them (I am assuming you do not know them well enough to have their contact numbers).

Courtorder · 23/02/2023 12:55

RosaBonheur · 23/02/2023 12:26

But she's not single. She's a married woman who is expected to hang around some random town for hours while her husband is at a wedding, so she can turn up later with the rest of the B list guests.

If she were single she would just go to the wedding at the time she had been invited, whether that was in the evening or for the whole day.

Show quote history

But what difference does it make that her husband is going earlier? If she were single then she wouldn’t have a husband. Single people manage to go to weddings, why can’t a married person manage to go alone?

If she were single she would just go to the wedding at the time she had been invited, whether that was in the evening or for the whole day.

She can do exactly this even though she’s married. There’s not one tiny thing that’s any different.

BadNomad · 23/02/2023 12:56

Get your partner and FIL to decide between them which of them will drop out so the other one's spouse can have their spot.

monomatapea · 23/02/2023 12:57

Perfectly reasonable for them to act that way just make sure the next thing you host you only invite one of them to part of it.

Danneigh · 23/02/2023 12:58

BadNomad · 23/02/2023 12:56

Get your partner and FIL to decide between them which of them will drop out so the other one's spouse can have their spot.

That's not their call to make. Partners are not invited.

DaftAporth · 23/02/2023 12:59

I'm with you OP. Also I can never understand this "left in their own in an unfamiliar town" mentality. I would love a potter around in my own! Much better than a boring wedding of someone I don't know very well.

Weallhaveavoice · 23/02/2023 13:00

It’s a tricky one OP
We have a huge family and couldn’t afford to pay for them all so invited the key players for the whole day and their children ( all adults) for just the evening.
The children ( all adults had partners and children of their own.) The numbers were getting ridiculous. Just one aunt and uncle had four adult children, their four partners and a total of 14 children. That’s 24 people to feed and fit into the service. We just invited the aunt and uncle.

I don’t think they were overly enamoured but as between us we have 22 aunts and uncles that all live close and we see regularly we had to make sacrifices one way or the other

I’m not surprised they’re not happy but I think you’ve still invited them all to celebrate in some way your special day.

PS. I do understand it’s not always about cost, it’s often about size of venue too.

LadyJ2023 · 23/02/2023 13:01

Ehhh I been to loafs of weddings where only family go first part ther party in evening. It keeps costs down. In fact going to my brothers in a couple of weeks only close family going registry and then everyone at the evening do as registry has a cap anyway on how many can go

Codlingmoths · 23/02/2023 13:06

Split invites with travelling involved are bloody rude and I would decline if I ever got one. Oh hey x you’re really important to me and I want you at your wedding so your partner will just have to travel to the wedding and amuse themselves for a few hours while you come to the celebration but don’t worry I’ll let them in at the end! Thanks but no thanks, I’d be on my own as Helen understandably doesn’t feel like kicking her heels around in the town for a few hours, so I regretfully decline.

fortunately neither I nor Dh have any rude friends like that, so it’s never happened to us.

SerafinasGoose · 23/02/2023 13:07

Danneigh · 23/02/2023 12:36

Then you prob should just say no as you'd only be saying yes if you didn't get a better offer so it's a wedding you never wanted to be at.

Show quote history

That's the point. 'Save the date' cards don't require a response. It's assumed that date will be held no matter what comes up in the interim.

Accepting an invitation the standard 6 or so weeks before a wedding is a different matter, of course. If I'd already said 'yes' then in anything other than serious circumstances I would hold to that.

But you are right. I rarely very much want to be at weddings. At best, they're protracted events and pretty tedious: at worst - and this is by no means the minority IME - they're more trouble than they're worth.

mindutopia · 23/02/2023 13:07

I think it's a bit inconsiderate to not invite half of a couple, but then invite them to the evening do. Just the person they are close to on their own, fine. But it's the splitting up of a couple who aren't local and will have to travel to the venue separately, which makes it all quite awkward. I expect they haven't thought through the logistics of this for their guests and how it will feel quite impolite. They are, of course, free to do what they wish - it's their wedding - but yes, it does seem inconsiderate, even if not intentional. That said, I probably wouldn't attend a wedding on my own without dh unless I knew loads of guests and I wouldn't stay overnight somewhere just for an evening do.

Viviennemary · 23/02/2023 13:09

I agree. I think its a bit cheeky inviting couples on separate invitations.

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2023 13:10

She can do exactly this even though she’s married. There’s not one tiny thing that’s any different.

Yes there is. The fact that he's probably using their joint car and she'd have to pay to get there a different way.

Ponderingwindow · 23/02/2023 13:11

I think the invitation is rude. I would just decline the whole thing.

CrystalCoco · 23/02/2023 13:12

In my opinion / experience you'd invite the couple together, not hey you can come to the ceremony, but you can only come to the evening reception.

Never seen it happen and I wouldn't be too impressed to receive an invite like this.

In your shoes / partner's step-mum I'd be declining the evening invite.

Of course this is MN so you'll get all the usual guff about 'it's the bride and groom's day, they can do whatever they like' - well yes of course, but that doesn't mean it's ok or at all standard.

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