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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invitation… who is being unreasonable?

262 replies

Anon133 · 23/02/2023 11:54

Hi all, I’m looking for advice regarding a dispute that has kicked off in my family this morning.

We have had a ‘save the date’ card come through the post this morning for the wedding of a friend of my partner. They are also friends with my partner’s father.

Both my partner and his father have been invited to ceremony and reception afterwards, whilst myself and partner’s step mum have been invited to the evening only.

I personally don’t see an issue with this, I don’t know the couple particularly well and I know that budgets/numbers can be tight (the wedding so happens to fall on my Grandad’s 80th birthday so it’s unlikely I’ll be able to attend in any event).

However, my partner’s father and his step mum have taken it extremely personally and said that couples should be invited to the same parts of the wedding. They also say that they are travelling 2 hours for the wedding so are left in a situation where step mum will be left on her own in an unfamiliar town whilst the ceremony is ongoing.

My partner has also commented that it was rude that I was not invited to both parts of the wedding if he was.

Partner’s father has now approached the bride and groom, who have said they are unable to accommodate and have been upset by the question.

Who’s in the right here? Getting sick of the arguments already 😡😡

OP posts:
RosaBonheur · 23/02/2023 12:23

I think it's rude to invite one of a couple to the full day and the other to the evening only. (I don't like evening only invitations full stop, to be honest.) But I wouldn't have complained to the couple, I'd have just declined the invitation and wished them well.

bjrce · 23/02/2023 12:26

Seriously they go to all the trouble of sending out a "Save the date" not the actual invitation and they expect people not to be put out that they are only asking half a couple.

FFS! I understand Weddings have become very expensive for young couples. But expecting people not to be pissed off by asking half a couple to one part and they other to the evening- they are extremely rude and then have the cheek to get upset when questioned.

I totally agree with your DP and FIL.

Why didn't the just ask either one couple or the other and explain they are keeping the numbers down?

Some people haven't got a clue. They want it all their own way.

Changedmymindtoday · 23/02/2023 12:26

Splitting couples is a no no.

Very poorly approached by the couple.

RosaBonheur · 23/02/2023 12:26

Courtorder · 23/02/2023 12:07

They’ve done nothing at all wrong. You’re couples, not conjoined twins. She’s a big girl and I’m sure she can find a place to have lunch or mooch or browse or can catch a later train by herself - how would she cope attending a wedding if she were single? People doesn’t have to pay fucking ridiculous amounts of money to host someone at their wedding who they don’t know that well simply because they’re connected romantically to someone that they do know well. It’s bizarre and the expectation doesn’t apply to any other event - can anyone imagine posting here saying “my friend is having a birthday dinner and has invited all her friends. She’s not friends with DH and he’s not invited, nor are any other people she’s not friends with. Should I kick off?”.

YANBU

But she's not single. She's a married woman who is expected to hang around some random town for hours while her husband is at a wedding, so she can turn up later with the rest of the B list guests.

If she were single she would just go to the wedding at the time she had been invited, whether that was in the evening or for the whole day.

emmathedilemma · 23/02/2023 12:27

I know you can invite who you like but I think splitting up invites for long term partners / married couples is a bit weird.

WickedSerious · 23/02/2023 12:28

As others have said it's their wedding so it's up to them who they invite but I find it very odd that they're separating couples.

Bigmummaof2 · 23/02/2023 12:30

Me personally, I wouldn’t ever invite someone I knew really well without their partner/spouse. However, with that being said. With the COL crisis, people just can’t afford to have big numbers these days. So completely understand their POV.

OnlyFannys · 23/02/2023 12:30

I agree with you op, guests list can be tricky if you are on a tight budget. I think the step mum is being a bit dramatic about having to entertain herself for 2 hours, it's hardly a hardship just explore the shops or get a bite to eat

maddy68 · 23/02/2023 12:30

I would invite the couple not the individual. But weddings are expensive so it's understandable

Funkyslippers · 23/02/2023 12:30

Sorry if it's been suggested before but why don't you travel to the evening do with the step mum and your oh and dad can go together though that means taking 2 cars and 2 people can't have a drink

SerafinasGoose · 23/02/2023 12:31

Probably an aside from the main event of the thread, but 'Save the date' cards sent far in advance of any proposed stick in my craw. I might not want to save that particular date. My personal circumstances might change. An important conference might come up that it would be within my interests to attend. I might simply have too much else going on around that time - including stuff I don't know about yet because it's months down the line - and not want to write off another weekend once plans had solidified.

Gets right up my hooter at work, too, when I receive an invitation in October for a meeting or away day taking place the following June. HTF do I know whether I'll be available at that point?

All smacks of 'we got there first, so you have to prioritize us', even when you've neither been sent an invitation nor accepted one.

thirteenfiftyeight · 23/02/2023 12:32

I wouldn't have asked but I would also think it's very odd, bordering on rude tbh

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2023 12:32

Courtorder · 23/02/2023 12:07

They’ve done nothing at all wrong. You’re couples, not conjoined twins. She’s a big girl and I’m sure she can find a place to have lunch or mooch or browse or can catch a later train by herself - how would she cope attending a wedding if she were single? People doesn’t have to pay fucking ridiculous amounts of money to host someone at their wedding who they don’t know that well simply because they’re connected romantically to someone that they do know well. It’s bizarre and the expectation doesn’t apply to any other event - can anyone imagine posting here saying “my friend is having a birthday dinner and has invited all her friends. She’s not friends with DH and he’s not invited, nor are any other people she’s not friends with. Should I kick off?”.

YANBU

the fact that they are a couple means they probably share a car, which one of them would have to keep using the other without it on the day. This is a pretty big inconvenience, particularly for people that don't regularly use public transport or if the wedding isn't somewhere where it's easy to get around without a car.

It's not emotive reasons about "being in a couple" that make this a problem, it's practical.

CatJumperTwat · 23/02/2023 12:32

Your dad, stepmum, and the inviting couple are all unreasonable.

FilthyforFirth · 23/02/2023 12:32

I had the same for my wedding. My ceremony venue was very restricted, so I invited who I could and then further people to the cocktail reception/sit down dinner. And then evening guests.

Rather than split family up (friends were totally fine with only 1 partner being in the ceremony) I invited my cousins and their partners who I am NOT close to, to the meal onwards (so still bloody paying for them, just not seeing us get married which they wouldnt give a shit about). Not only did they decline, their parents did as well, outraged I wouldnt invite them all to the whole day.

So they didnt come and I still had a fab wedding day. No regrets! Your partners family are being U

MRSDoos · 23/02/2023 12:33

Part of me wants to say “it’s their day, their rules” but as someone who got married last year and didn’t have a huge budget - there is no way personally I would of separated couples, especially long term or married couples.

I can understand the bride and groom not inviting short term / new relationships due to money reasons

My friend and her long term fiancé were invited to a wedding once that was 5 hours away - but her fiancé was only invited to the evening so had to wait in the hotel room. Yes he is old enough to occupy himself but I found it really odd and kind of rude of the bride and groom.

CatJumperTwat · 23/02/2023 12:33

CatJumperTwat · 23/02/2023 12:32

Your dad, stepmum, and the inviting couple are all unreasonable.

Your partner's dad I mean. Your dad seem to be behaving fine. Grin

custardbear · 23/02/2023 12:33

They have choices, not going is an ok choice - tell B&G what's acceptable to them is not an option

BubziOwl · 23/02/2023 12:35

Imo only inviting one half of a couple is bad etiquette. However, they've made their decision, and you can accept or decline on that basis. It was rude for your FIL to approach the couple I think.

Danneigh · 23/02/2023 12:36

SerafinasGoose · 23/02/2023 12:31

Probably an aside from the main event of the thread, but 'Save the date' cards sent far in advance of any proposed stick in my craw. I might not want to save that particular date. My personal circumstances might change. An important conference might come up that it would be within my interests to attend. I might simply have too much else going on around that time - including stuff I don't know about yet because it's months down the line - and not want to write off another weekend once plans had solidified.

Gets right up my hooter at work, too, when I receive an invitation in October for a meeting or away day taking place the following June. HTF do I know whether I'll be available at that point?

All smacks of 'we got there first, so you have to prioritize us', even when you've neither been sent an invitation nor accepted one.

Then you prob should just say no as you'd only be saying yes if you didn't get a better offer so it's a wedding you never wanted to be at.

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/02/2023 12:37

I think its pretty rude to split married couples to day and evening tbh. Not the done thing at all..

Sugarfree23 · 23/02/2023 12:37

I don't think it's very welcoming to split couples at a wedding.

I don't blame them for asking the question. You and DH aren't likely to be able to make it. So it would make sense for his Step mum to go with her DH to the full thing.

SavBlancTonight · 23/02/2023 12:37

Well, as I've never understood the "evening only" part anyway - the only possible time I can see value in that is for work colleagues or something - I'm with your in laws.

But especially as one part of the partnership is invited to the main event.

Funkyslippers · 23/02/2023 12:39

I don't really see why there's an argument between the 4 of you when you all no doubt agree that you should all have been invited to the same part of the wedding

RosesAndHellebores · 23/02/2023 12:39

I think they have been rude. If budgets are tight they shoukd scale down their plans and have the wedding they can afford. There are too many couples now aiming for a plush reception and cutting down numbers indiscriminately to reduce the overall cost of an affair with a £100 ph tag.

If the budget for the reception is £3k and there are 60 guests to accommodate then you have a more modest reception.

If you want 100 guests on that budget then be realistic: hire a hall and have a buffet.