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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invitation… who is being unreasonable?

262 replies

Anon133 · 23/02/2023 11:54

Hi all, I’m looking for advice regarding a dispute that has kicked off in my family this morning.

We have had a ‘save the date’ card come through the post this morning for the wedding of a friend of my partner. They are also friends with my partner’s father.

Both my partner and his father have been invited to ceremony and reception afterwards, whilst myself and partner’s step mum have been invited to the evening only.

I personally don’t see an issue with this, I don’t know the couple particularly well and I know that budgets/numbers can be tight (the wedding so happens to fall on my Grandad’s 80th birthday so it’s unlikely I’ll be able to attend in any event).

However, my partner’s father and his step mum have taken it extremely personally and said that couples should be invited to the same parts of the wedding. They also say that they are travelling 2 hours for the wedding so are left in a situation where step mum will be left on her own in an unfamiliar town whilst the ceremony is ongoing.

My partner has also commented that it was rude that I was not invited to both parts of the wedding if he was.

Partner’s father has now approached the bride and groom, who have said they are unable to accommodate and have been upset by the question.

Who’s in the right here? Getting sick of the arguments already 😡😡

OP posts:
SerafinasGoose · 06/03/2023 11:28

Emptycrackedcup · 05/03/2023 18:42

I think the 2 hour travel makes it hard logistically to get there, so from this perspective I think that was poor planning on the couples part, although maybe they assumed you'd come together so it would be ok. Ultimately their wedding, their choice. Planning a wedding is hard and stressful

IMO, no celebration should be either hard or stressful. I can't get my head around the angst over weddings and Christmas, particularly when this leads to some unsurmountable family breach with offence being taken on all sides.

It's a celebration. A party. It's as hard or as stressful as you choose to make it.

This isn't to say there's anything wrong with this, but most B&Gs - most people in general - are neither seasoned nor particularly effective event planners. And it shows.

Maireas · 06/03/2023 11:48

What I find a bit odd is asking the husband to the main event, and the wife to the evening part.

Snugglemonkey · 06/03/2023 12:17

I think it is rude to expect people to travel and only be invited to the evening while a partner goes all day. I would decline and I am sure dp would too. Couples should have the same invitation.

Isthisreasonable · 06/03/2023 12:39

They should just have invited them all to the evening to save costs. Very rude to split up couples like that. Perhaps they were hoping for a bigger gift if one half of the couple was in attendance at the main event rather than just inviting the couples for the evening.

I assume that they were thinking it was fine because the wives could entertain each other as they weren't aware that OP had a prior invitation. At least they didn't phrase the invitation as giving them an opportunity to get away from their wives as is often the case with child free weddings.

Norwegiancopice · 06/03/2023 12:46

My brothers were invited to the weddings of two siblings. These two were invited to all of my family weddings. However when they got married they chose to invite only my brothers, us mere sisters were not invited. I do understand about costs and numbers. Some years later the poor wife of one asked why we had not been at her wedding. I took it to mean because as a larger family we were all close and were all having fun together at another family event. She seemed genuinely surprised. I gave a vague non committal answer as I didn't want to say why as it might have seemed a slap in the face. I understand we are a big family but their wealth far exceeded ours.
I've deliberately kept this a bit vague as don't want to stir things if they are on here.

MrsTWH · 06/03/2023 13:07

It’s terribly poor form to not invite/split invites to married couples to a wedding.

However, FIL was rude to query it. I would just decline.

The bride and groom are free to invite whoever they want of course, but don’t then have a tantrum when you upset people and they decline.

Nanny0gg · 06/03/2023 13:21

HamBone · 06/03/2023 01:38

I agree, @ComtesseDeSpair , I’d love to explore a town I don’t know on my own for an afternoon. The only tricky bit is where she’d get changed for the evening do- in the loo at the venue, I suppose. 😂

Weddings are so expensive, I think your partner’s father and his wife should be more understanding.

Show quote history

Venue isn't in a town.

And many towns near me are tiny and have nothing to 'explore'

Nanny0gg · 06/03/2023 13:22

Norwegiancopice · 06/03/2023 12:46

My brothers were invited to the weddings of two siblings. These two were invited to all of my family weddings. However when they got married they chose to invite only my brothers, us mere sisters were not invited. I do understand about costs and numbers. Some years later the poor wife of one asked why we had not been at her wedding. I took it to mean because as a larger family we were all close and were all having fun together at another family event. She seemed genuinely surprised. I gave a vague non committal answer as I didn't want to say why as it might have seemed a slap in the face. I understand we are a big family but their wealth far exceeded ours.
I've deliberately kept this a bit vague as don't want to stir things if they are on here.

How could the wife not know who she invited to her wedding?

MaryShelley1818 · 06/03/2023 14:08

I think the fact that people have to travel to get there is the main issue and although I actually did split some couples up at our wedding I didn't for anyone who had to travel or would be sat alone.
We had a very small wedding (35 guests) therefore I asked a group of work ladies (very close friends to me and each other, we holiday together) if they minded coming together to the daytime. And they were all welcome to bring a partner/friend on the evening. This worked well as instead of just picking their other half's up they came in for a few hours and got a really lovely meal and band. Everyone seemed happy with this arrangement but I did discuss it with them first.

Ponderingwindow · 06/03/2023 14:49

Splitting couples, tiered invites. Both are ridiculous.

plan a reception and a guest list that fits your budget. You don’t have to invite every person you know. You don’t need a fancy reception. It doesn’t have to be an all day affair. The key is to think about being a good host as you make your plans.

Maireas · 06/03/2023 15:30

Ponderingwindow · 06/03/2023 14:49

Splitting couples, tiered invites. Both are ridiculous.

plan a reception and a guest list that fits your budget. You don’t have to invite every person you know. You don’t need a fancy reception. It doesn’t have to be an all day affair. The key is to think about being a good host as you make your plans.

Quite. There's no need to have an additional evening do.
The best ones I've been to have just been ceremony and a nice lunch.

Wouldprefertobereading · 26/04/2024 22:15

Their wedding, their choice, your in-laws need to grow up. Sadly, age is no indication of maturity.

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