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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To dine alone on a London day trip with DH and baby?

556 replies

AngelaMeerkat · 22/02/2023 22:38

I love eating out, particularly fine dining. Haven't done it for years because of DCs. I'm very happy dining alone and used to do it on work trips a lot in nice places.

I'd really like a really fancy lunch out for my 30th (eg 3 Michelin star type thing). I live about an hour from London on the train, but no really decent local restaurants.

DS is 4 and in nursery. DD (breastfed exclusively) will be 8.5 months for my 30th.

Would it be ridiculous and indulgent on my 30th to ask DH to come up to London with me and DD for the day, and take DD somewhere while I go and have a really fancy lunch on my own? I don't know whether it's rude to make him travel and then not let him come to lunch, but the distance means it would be stressful having DD go without breastfeeding for a whole trip if I did the whole thing alone, plus we could do some nice stuff before and after.

Also is it too risky to have both parents an hour away while DS is in nursery incase of emergency? We have no local family.

Is this a stupid idea or the only way I can have a lovely meal for the next few months?

OP posts:

Didoqueenofcarthage · 23/02/2023 03:00

For FWIW, I've done something similar.

DD1 was 4 months old, EBF, bottle-refuser. I was invited to a "celebration lunch" for something work related; absolutely no obligation to go. I went because I wanted to have a a nice meal out and some adult conversation (which I got!).

My husband swapped with me (since I was on mat leave at the time) and took primary care of our daughter for the day, but came with me into the city (since he can't breastfeed). I gave her a feed before the lunch, he took her around the botanic gardens, had a wander, she then had a nap in her pram, and a few hours later, we met up in time for her next feed. He didn't complain about being asked to do that, and it never occurred to me that he might! Yes, he had to make some accomodations because she was an EBF bottle-refuser (and only 4 months, so no solids) - but so did I as the person who did the breastfeeding! Every single day. He was no more inconvenienced by being a parent that day than I was every day. Being inconvenienced because you're a parent is apparently just what we expect of mothers, but should not demand of fathers!

Just because you're a mother and you choose to breastfeed doesn't meant you can't have some time to yourself; and I don't understand why asking your husband to come and spend some time out in city with his baby is so outrageous. It might not be how he would have otherwise chosen to spend the day - but it's also not a ridiculous or onerous request and it's not his birthday!

And I don't know what's wrong with choosing to have a treat that you would enjoy on your birthday, even if your husband can't join you. So what? You can celebrate your birthday with your husband AS WELL AS having your lovely 3-star meal. Since it's your birthday, he can organise something for you before, or after, or even on another day!

Kiopa · 23/02/2023 03:02

I would book a babysitter in London to look after the baby close to wherever you are. If you use the bubble app you can see reviews etc. It would only be 2/3 hours and if the baby needed a feed they could bring her to you.

I don't think this request is totally unreasonable but given the babysitter option I do think it's a bit odd.

WGACA · 23/02/2023 03:16

Could a grandparent come to stay for a couple of days and look after the baby so that you and your husband can have lunch together and they can be a back up for collecting from nursery in case you’re delayed for any reason. They can only say no if you ask.

nokidshere · 23/02/2023 03:34

I think you are overthinking it. Your baby will be almost 9 months and will be having food as well as milk. Breastfeed her before you leave and as soon as you get back. Expressed breast milk in a cup or bottle will suffice for a few hours. Will be better if DH is nearby for 4 yr old too in case of the inevitable public transport delays.

Otherwise go to a restaurant that will allow your baby to come too.

milkyaqua · 23/02/2023 03:34

Could meet his colleagues for lunch!

With a baby?!

I think you need to work out a different birthday treat for this birthday and save the fancy meal idea for a more suitable time.

user1492757084 · 23/02/2023 03:54

Go to London as a family. Plan to have both children in a private childcare centre for four hours while you enjoy your lunch or dinner. You could express milk for the baby or leave water and simple usual meal from jar. The four hours would do no harm to baby who is at the age for tasting food.
If not exactly on birthday then do it at your next oportunity.

aramox1 · 23/02/2023 03:59

Do it. And why on earth shouldn't dh meet his colleagues with a baby? Mums do that often! My male colleagues love bringing their babies to things. Some of the people here are so stuck in fixed ideas or the 1950s- it's desperate.

StarsSand · 23/02/2023 04:02

milkyaqua · 23/02/2023 03:34

Could meet his colleagues for lunch!

With a baby?!

I think you need to work out a different birthday treat for this birthday and save the fancy meal idea for a more suitable time.

I've had lots of lunches with a baby in tow. Including with colleagues. I'm guessing most women have.

Is your objection to the idea of a man doing this? Or anyone?

CandlelightGlow · 23/02/2023 04:11

AngelaMeerkat · 22/02/2023 23:18

Interested at all the hell no reactions. What made me think is that my friend had her baby last year and for her 30th a few months back they went to Bath for the day and my friend went to the baths for a couple of hours on her own, so that seems similar?

Not sure about it being easier with DD in nursery too as I was thinking that is double the chance that one might need an early pick up or get ill while we're both stuck in London.

No local family and none near London so asking someone to travel to us, then to London to the day to look after DD while DH and me eat out seems even more CF territory!

Me and my DP have 3 young DC together; allowing each other some time alone on our birthdays has become quite the standard and nothing we would have a problem with!

I don't know why you'd not ask your DH rather than others on the internet. It is wholly dependent on your relationship dynamic.

Tarpit · 23/02/2023 04:13

I think that you deserve to spend a few hours on your birthday however you like. I know my husband would love for me to enjoy a few hours of free time for my birthday and, as he isn't a child, would not feel he had "missed out". It's your birthday, not his, and it's a few hours not the whole day and night, plenty of time to do other things as a family later in the day.

It's no different to him looking after his child while you go to a hairdresser, job interview or doctors appointment. I'm sure as a fully functioning adult he can cope looking after his own child for an hour.
How ridiculous to imagine that a breastfeeding mother must put everything off until her child is in nursery.
Go, enjoy your birthday.

GingerScallop · 23/02/2023 04:24

Do it op. You are not abandoning your family for a life of leisure for good. You are off to have a nice, uninterrupted meal for a couple of ours. They will be fine.And you will be better mum and wife if you are relaxed.

milkyaqua · 23/02/2023 04:34

StarsSand · 23/02/2023 04:02

I've had lots of lunches with a baby in tow. Including with colleagues. I'm guessing most women have.

Is your objection to the idea of a man doing this? Or anyone?

Show quote history

Basic consideration for other diners and one's colleagues.

Foldinthecheese · 23/02/2023 04:38

Baffled at all the protestations that this is selfish. Who cares? You’re allowed to be selfish occasionally, especially if it’s for a couple of hours on your 30th birthday. One of the most depressing realisations I’ve had since having children is that it doesn’t matter if it’s your birthday, Mother’s Day or any other special occasion. When you have small children you still have to deal with the tedious jobs like brushing their teeth, changing their nappies, getting through bath time, etc. There’s just no getting away from that stuff. If you want a break from all that for part of the day to be able to enjoy a treat, and your husband is happy to help accommodate that (which I think he should be) then go for it!

For various reasons, my husband has been away more than he’s been home since the start of the year. When I found out he’d be gone for all of half term, I declared that Saturday would be his day with the children. I didn’t have any specific plans at the time, but in the end I had a manicure and a lovely long lunch with a friend. I occasionally felt pangs of guilt, but why? I’m a person in my own right, not just a mother, and I’m allowed to have a day to myself. You are, too.

StarsSand · 23/02/2023 04:47

@milkyaqua

I don't know where you work but in my office we are always delighted when someone brings their baby in.

And happier still to take them to lunch.

It's an 8 month old baby- it will be in a buggy or on someone's lap. It's hardly going to burn the place down.

milkyaqua · 23/02/2023 04:53

As a diner, I am absolutely not "delighted" when someone brings a baby into a restaurant.

I was responding to this idea by the OP, which was about restaurants not offices:

Could meet his colleagues for lunch!

Dentistlakes · 23/02/2023 05:21

I don’t see an issue with the plan. This is her 30th, not some random birthday and if this is what she wants then why not! My DH would happily do it for me. It’s a couple of hours not overnight.

Ws2210 · 23/02/2023 05:24

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 23/02/2023 01:51

Maybe because we've had different life experiences. We got together later in life than many, and we both know first hand how precious life is. I'm now older than the age at which my father and Mrs Unicorn's father died. We've both worked long hours and made many sacrifices to get to where we are professionally. Both of us have seen death at every age, and know how frequent it becomes at our age despite averages. Unfortunately, as a result of aforementioned sacrifices, family history and other factors make it extremely unlikely that I will make it to the average life expectancy of a man so the time we have and spend together is precious. I have had my hands inside too many dead bodies who were younger than I am now, so that colours my perspective a little.

You need to understand that everyone is different and they have different thoughts, feelings, attachments, emotions, needs and wants in life. They will have different goals or they may have no goals. Emotions are not necessarily rational or logical. Sometimes, instead of understanding someone's feelings, you need to accept them.

Show quote history

So the OP shouldn't treat herself on her birthday because her husband checks notes might die?

JackiePlace · 23/02/2023 05:25

I think it's all about the presentation...

Tell DH you want a day out in London on your own as your birthday treat.
Leave him at home with the baby. He doesn't need to know what you do in London.

It doesn't have to take place on your actual birthday, does it? In case he has hurt feelilngs/ has already planned a birthday surprise/ etc.

The couple going away together for a hotel weekend while the wife slips off to the spa for an hour or two is a different scenario altogether.

wildseas · 23/02/2023 05:27

I’m probably a terrible mother but at 8.5 months I would leave dh and baby at home alone and go to London myself or with a friend for lunch and a wander for my 30th.

At that age you could definitely feed before you go. DH gives baby lunch and either a bottle (if baby takes it) or some milk in a cup if she doesn’t.

A couple of hours later he gives an extra meal / snack and either a bottle or a cup of milk. Then you feed when you get home.

Ideally if you can express that would be best but if not using formula as a one off at that age won’t make any difference to breast feeding, and is no different than giving a yoghurt or something.

kateandme · 23/02/2023 05:40

AngelaMeerkat · 22/02/2023 22:53

Ie I'm happy to eat alone and enjoy it but it wouldn't be my first choice.
DH would enjoy the meal if it was possible for us both to go.
I wouldn't be comfortable with booking a babysitter/crèche in London if that was possible with DD being this young.

private chef of the same michelin to your home?

sashh · 23/02/2023 05:41

What about asking in nursery if one of the staff would like to babysit your DD whiled you both have lunch?

I don't know how far away your birthday is but is there time to introduce (assuming they said yes) the baby to the nursery worker so she is not with a stranger.

Dothedoconotion · 23/02/2023 05:41

I find it suffocating, the expectation expressed in many of these posts that OP should constantly be with her DP and baby, including for a very expensive meal that DP may have no real interest in having.

OP, go and get a few rare hours to yourself. Your DP can wander around close enough to bring your baby back for you to breastfeed if baby needs it during your meal (unlikely if you manage to time feeding just before), then he can wander off again with the baby. You will get peace to eat a lovely meal. And I hope you enjoy frequently get a few hours to yourself like this. I’ve found it important to keep body and soul together.

kateandme · 23/02/2023 05:44

AngelaMeerkat · 23/02/2023 02:00

I'm only 29 so really hope that I won't die soon! Not going to make all my decisions on that basis anyway.

I do really love DH and DCs, but I am also very happy in my own company. I'm sure we will have some sort of family day too but we have lots of those but time to myself is non existent at the moment, has been rare since DS as have fancy meals!

I would be totally happy with DH having a nice meal without me, in fact he's not been anywhere properly fancy lately but has been nice places with friends or colleagues without me plenty of times before.

Not to drip feed but DH office is in London so it's not like he doesn't know it at all and would be lost in his own. Could meet his colleagues for lunch!

Glad that some people understand but could just be cherry picking what I want to hear.

could you make it more special and have a stay? so take your little one out of nursery for the day or two.and then you can all go on a little trip. that way he can either go exploring.or he could just stay in hte hotel room whilst mummy goes off for her treat. it just seems nicer easier and better for all if youve had the experience together,doing other stuff too.
or is there a cost you could stay where the posh restuarent is in the actual hotel?

Daisychained8 · 23/02/2023 05:52

I think I’d be pretty upset if my husband specified that he didn’t want me at his birthday lunch and preferred to go alone. And that’s even if I didn’t have to come! If he told me to come along just to babysit I think I’d be even more upset. Perhaps I’m too sensitive though!

Dyslexicwonder · 23/02/2023 05:52

Kiopa · 23/02/2023 03:02

I don't think this request is totally unreasonable but given the babysitter option I do think it's a bit odd.

As a student I did these type of babysitting gigs all the time, for the swanky London Hotels. Absolutely no issue.

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