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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dine alone on a London day trip with DH and baby?

556 replies

AngelaMeerkat · 22/02/2023 22:38

I love eating out, particularly fine dining. Haven't done it for years because of DCs. I'm very happy dining alone and used to do it on work trips a lot in nice places.

I'd really like a really fancy lunch out for my 30th (eg 3 Michelin star type thing). I live about an hour from London on the train, but no really decent local restaurants.

DS is 4 and in nursery. DD (breastfed exclusively) will be 8.5 months for my 30th.

Would it be ridiculous and indulgent on my 30th to ask DH to come up to London with me and DD for the day, and take DD somewhere while I go and have a really fancy lunch on my own? I don't know whether it's rude to make him travel and then not let him come to lunch, but the distance means it would be stressful having DD go without breastfeeding for a whole trip if I did the whole thing alone, plus we could do some nice stuff before and after.

Also is it too risky to have both parents an hour away while DS is in nursery incase of emergency? We have no local family.

Is this a stupid idea or the only way I can have a lovely meal for the next few months?

OP posts:
zingally · 27/02/2023 16:11

Honestly I think 3* lunches in other cities falls under “things you temporarily sacrifice as a mother of an exclusively breastfed baby”.

100% ^ THIS.
I'd feel really upset and confused if I was your husband.

NerrSnerr · 27/02/2023 16:56

zingally · 27/02/2023 16:11

Honestly I think 3* lunches in other cities falls under “things you temporarily sacrifice as a mother of an exclusively breastfed baby”.

100% ^ THIS.
I'd feel really upset and confused if I was your husband.

Why should it be sacrificed? What would he allowed? A haircut? Manicure?

Why would her husband be confused?

NerrSnerr · 27/02/2023 16:57

*what wouldn't need to be sacrificed I meant!

Grettaetta · 27/02/2023 17:03

I think this sounds lovely. Really it’s how you and your DH feel about it, not how anyone else here feels about it. If he and you are happy, then go for it!

Grettaetta · 27/02/2023 17:04

I think this sounds lovely. Really it’s how you and your DH feel about it, not how anyone else here feels about it. If he and you are happy, then go for it!

StillWantingADog · 27/02/2023 17:07

I think I’d delay until the baby was old enough to be left either at a nursery or family member.

at that sort of age I def left my breastfeeding son to go with my dh for lunch. At for posh Michelin starred meals though, it’s one of those things you don’t do very often when you have young kids!

JL642 · 27/02/2023 17:53

ProcrastinatorsAnonymous · 27/02/2023 13:27

My mind is truly blown by the misogyny, martyrdom and mummy shaming on this thread!

OP has been breast-feeding for the best part of a year and just wants the baby's other parent to facilitate a couple of hours to herself in London to eat some nice food on her milestone birthday.

I agree it's nuts that she felt she had to ask here if it's OK to do that - but that isn't proof that she's being unreasonable. Rather, it's proof of just how pernicious society's attitudes about motherhood really are.

OP has been called a selfish, childish, self-centred, revolting spoilt brat (*all actual quotes) and told that if she cared about her husband and baby, she would not even consider prioritising her own needs for 120 minutes on her milestone birthday. My guess would be that these are the attitudes that have seeped in and made her feel the need to ask "permission" from a forum to prioritise her wants - even briefly. And yet the very act of asking the question is then thrown back at her as if it's evidence that she must know she is being selfish and unreasonable.

The trump card seems to be: "Ooh, but she's inconveniencing her husband and baby in order to do the nice thing." But that entirely ignores the "inconvenience" and sacrifice of breastfeeding for all these months. It's not surprising OP fancies a nice meal to herself. Yet instead of supporting her, she is being called out as selfish and revolting.

It is not at all unreasonable to expect the non-breastfeeding parent to facilitate the breastfeeding parent getting a bit of a boost - especially on a big birthday! If her husband is remotely decent, he would want to support this.

Existing as a human being whilst also being a mother is OK. It is utterly insane that we're even debating this!

@Mumof3andshattered - for everyone's sake, please get some sleep. Being shattered is not a badge of honour.

200% agree

Pipsquiggle · 27/02/2023 17:57

@LaPassegiata

She has clearly said her preference would be to have this meal with her DH.

What many of us are saying is why can't she wait a few months so that they can both enjoy this experience together?

Singleorigincoffee · 27/02/2023 18:22

Are we all forgetting that dc1 is at nursery as well and there's not an emergency contact that would be close by if dc1 did need picking up, also what if the trains get delayed on the way back?

We aren't saying don't go but the logistics of both parents going in to town leaves alot of risk that most parents wouldn't be happy with

LaPassegiata · 27/02/2023 18:23

Pipsquiggle · 27/02/2023 17:57

@LaPassegiata

She has clearly said her preference would be to have this meal with her DH.

What many of us are saying is why can't she wait a few months so that they can both enjoy this experience together?

But circumstances mean she can’t do it with her husband. So her second choice is to do it now but alone. Not some time in the future.

LaPassegiata · 27/02/2023 18:25

zingally · 27/02/2023 16:11

Honestly I think 3* lunches in other cities falls under “things you temporarily sacrifice as a mother of an exclusively breastfed baby”.

100% ^ THIS.
I'd feel really upset and confused if I was your husband.

‘Really upset and confused’ because your husband wanted to treat himself for two hours on his big birthday? It must be tough for you being so sensitive.

LaPassegiata · 27/02/2023 18:26

Singleorigincoffee · 27/02/2023 18:22

Are we all forgetting that dc1 is at nursery as well and there's not an emergency contact that would be close by if dc1 did need picking up, also what if the trains get delayed on the way back?

We aren't saying don't go but the logistics of both parents going in to town leaves alot of risk that most parents wouldn't be happy with

And many working parents take this risk every day. It’s not that unusual.

Singleorigincoffee · 27/02/2023 18:26

What I meant was Op should go but I think it would be silly for DH and baby to go with.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2023 18:31

NerrSnerr · 27/02/2023 16:56

Why should it be sacrificed? What would he allowed? A haircut? Manicure?

Why would her husband be confused?

Show quote history

@zingally

this!

not all couples wanna be joined at the hip 24/7

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2023 18:33

StillWantingADog · 27/02/2023 17:07

I think I’d delay until the baby was old enough to be left either at a nursery or family member.

at that sort of age I def left my breastfeeding son to go with my dh for lunch. At for posh Michelin starred meals though, it’s one of those things you don’t do very often when you have young kids!

@StillWantingADog

shes not wanting to do it every week

she is wanting to do it for her 30TH BIRTHDAY!!

WaddleAway · 27/02/2023 19:09

zingally · 27/02/2023 16:11

Honestly I think 3* lunches in other cities falls under “things you temporarily sacrifice as a mother of an exclusively breastfed baby”.

100% ^ THIS.
I'd feel really upset and confused if I was your husband.

Honestly I don’t think I’d be able to take someone seriously if they were ‘upset and confused’ by someone wanting to go out for a meal alone.

LaPassegiata · 27/02/2023 19:29

WaddleAway · 27/02/2023 19:09

Honestly I don’t think I’d be able to take someone seriously if they were ‘upset and confused’ by someone wanting to go out for a meal alone.

Show quote history

I am quite upset and confused by the existence of all these codependent clingy couples.

ShortDaysLongNights · 27/02/2023 20:12

I'd go for it. It's your birthday and if that's what you'd like for a birthday treat, then of course you should go for it. I'm sure OP can have a nice ISH meal with the family a few days before or after to celebrate her birthday. As much as I love my kids, fine dining with any of my kids, would have been an absolute nightmare and it's not the same if you end up breastfeeding or tending to a cranky toddler half-way through.
If OP would have said she's having a haircut or her nails done, most posters probably would have thought that's a reasonable thing to do so I don't really see the issue here.

15feb · 27/02/2023 20:42

The shattered mummy martyr of 3 & the "very, very upset" husband who guilt trips his wife about his imminent death (I'm not making this up) if she wants to have alone time are a perfect fit for each other on this thread

vanillamint · 27/02/2023 20:46

My husband hates dining out
He's done this for me a lot but we moved away from London and can visit and stay with his family so it's not a complete inconvenience.

I think he should do it! :) deserve it with small children.

StarsSand · 28/02/2023 02:24

15feb · 27/02/2023 20:42

The shattered mummy martyr of 3 & the "very, very upset" husband who guilt trips his wife about his imminent death (I'm not making this up) if she wants to have alone time are a perfect fit for each other on this thread

😂

Exactly. Quite sad the number of people on this thread who can't imagine having a nice time without their spouse. Or worse- who would be 'confused and upset' at the idea of their spouse having a nice time alone.

Bonkers behaviour.

I hope OP has booked her decadent lunch.

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/02/2023 08:11

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 23/02/2023 01:14

Each to their own, but there is no way on this earth I would have a birthday meal at a Michelin starred restaurant on my own while Mrs Unicorn looks after the kids, and I'm certain that she wouldn't either. We both love fine food, fine dining and fine wine, I even have an extensive wine collection of several hundred bottles in the cellar, but however much I love fine food, I love Mrs Unicorn infinitely more. I'd rather be without the fine food, or even any food, than without Mrs Unicorn.

If she asked to do as the OP suggests, I would agree to her request; however, I would be very, very upset.

@UnicornsHaveDadsToo

couples do not have to be joined at the hip 24/7

you and your wife could probs do with some time each on your own

ShirleyPhallus · 28/02/2023 08:47

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/02/2023 08:11

@UnicornsHaveDadsToo

couples do not have to be joined at the hip 24/7

you and your wife could probs do with some time each on your own

Show quote history

You really should read the next posts from that poster who goes on to say they like don’t like doing stuff without the other one in case one of them dies

bussteward · 28/02/2023 09:03

LaPassegiata · 27/02/2023 19:29

I am quite upset and confused by the existence of all these codependent clingy couples.

Show quote history

I’d be upset and confused at my husband’s upset and confusion, to the point of cancelling my birthday lunch in favour of getting him a neurological exam.

Aprilx · 28/02/2023 09:11

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/02/2023 08:11

@UnicornsHaveDadsToo

couples do not have to be joined at the hip 24/7

you and your wife could probs do with some time each on your own

Show quote history

Celebrating a major birthday by sharing a meal is not being “joint at the hip”. I recently went on holiday by myself as my husband didn’t want to go to this location, but I would not dream of having my 50th birthday meal in a Michelin star restaurant and not inviting him.