Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

[Thegardenmum]

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

That must have been absolutely dreadful @GotABeatForYouMama. It must have made an already traumatic time a thousand times worse. It was the first time ever that I was grateful my parents were dead.

Thankyou. It truly was "the worst of times" and when you factor in the guilt of not being able to give your own mother the send-off she deserved then, as I said, it's no surprise that OP's DiL may still be finding things a bit tough when it comes to Mother's day.

I think that @GotABeatForYouMama is probably right and the dil doesn't yet want to join in celebrating Mothers Day.

This must be a reverse but if not…Wow you called to remind him! Believe me she will be more than aware of what day it is, you sound like a piece of work and tbh if you continue down this road I wouldn’t be expecting a lot of visits in the future.

I could understand being disappointed but surely you could do something another day.

I can understand where you’re coming from. But why get hung up about seeing DS and DDiL on a particular day - see them another day when it doesn’t upset DDiL. It’s the fact he loves you and visits you that matters, not turning up on a certain date or not.

Just so I understand this:
You have 3 other children but you’re upset that your adult, married son is prioritising his wife. They are also 2 hours away. Your DIL’s mum died 3 years ago but u don’t understand why it may be difficult for her & you think that it would be ok for her to be left while your son visited you???!!!

I think you need a reality check!

To all of the other posters who think that you ‘get over’ a bereavement & by thinking that it’s been 3 years so she should be over it, you should feel grateful that you haven’t experienced grief.

Tell your son to grow a pair, he sounds a right wuss. My mum died many years ago it didn't stop me making a fuss of MIL on mother's day

You are not being unreasonable, your son needs to grow a pair. I lost mum , now it didn't stop me celebrating mil day, I did it for mil and wife. He sounds a right wuss.

To all of the other posters who think that you ‘get over’ a bereavement & by thinking that it’s been 3 years so she should be over it, you should feel grateful that you haven’t experienced grief.
She doesn't need to "get over" her mum's death. Setting up a wedge between the MIL and her DH to punish her for still being an alive parent isn't fair though. Would you expect her to never wish her dad a happy father's day because the mum died? No, it's because it's her in-law that people think it's ok. It really isn't, in-laws are family and human too. MIL is allowed to feel upset that she can't see her own son because of DIL's feelings. My dad just died and I wouldn't dream of punishing FIL for it.

I never expect my children on Mother's Day.
It really doesn't bother me in the slightest.

A phone call would be nice and I usually get one. I usually get a card too but I really don't want one.

Mothering Sunday is a religious occasion that was hijacked by commercialism.

I can't be bothered with it if I'm honest.

To remind someone to visit you because it's 'Mothers' Day' is a bit grandiose on your part.
Leave it be.

Yanbu.
She can put her feelings aside to enjoy her mum in law and support your relationship with your son.
In her position I would realise how very short time actually is and encourage him to see his mum whilst he can.
And I'm still very much grieving for my beautiful mum but I would put others first.

‘Enjoy her mum in law’…?

People tend to enjoy people who are nice, who they like, and who like them.

My MIL was a real piece of work and would lie straight faced about me to DH's brothers and sister. (The others who married in had similar problems.) His sister asked DH to visit her with our children and to leave me at home. His reply was that I was his wife and his family and I came first. This is obviously how your DS feels and that is how it should be. I'm sorry if you are disappointed but, as others have suggested, you can have a full family meal another time.

I really don't get the hype about Mother's Day

It's such a load of tosh

Arrange a family dinner another time

Four hours of travelling is too far for a day trip

YABU
You should be proud your son is looking after his wife and underhand you're not his number 1 anymore

He needs to now spend as much time with you on special dates as god knows how long any one has left. His wife should get this

YABU. An invitation to lunch is not an obligation to attend. You sound very entitled in ‘expecting your son to do as you wish and reminding’ him of Mother’s Day.

Perhaps you ought to let Mother’s Day go, and invite them for lunch another time. You sound incredibly controlling…he may feel like he has the perfect excuse.

My mum died almost a decade ago, in a very traumatic time when we wer esuffeirng multiple miscarriages. It was horrific and at every turn my mil made it worse.

Mother's day even since having my. Hildren 5 and 1 years ago is still a mixed bag, we keep it low key, kids give me a card, husband brings breakfast in bed. Then we get up and have a quiet day, maybe walk the dog, make a nice dinner. Mother in law he'll see the Saturday or another day. Mother's day last year we'd not even wrapped her gift as she was coming on the Monday but she barged in, literally didn't knock walked into the living room, super smug to have gotten one over me (who she clearly thought was pushing her out) anyway DH hastily wrapped her gift and we did our best but honestly I get teary and go for a rest a few times and we juggle the kids to not upset them but you can't do that with her there.

Then she text me saying I didn't seem happy to see them. I responded with mother's day is a mixed bag for me since mummy died so I just take it quite easy. She hadn't even considered that was the issue. But then this is the woman who called me at my mum's wake and cried on the phone how awful it was that it was bringing back memories of losing her dad.

Anyway op you're being a dick, celebrate with him a different day, he's an adult, you have 3 other adult children. How much do you need to be worshipped that your Dil can't be extended your compassion in her grief?

Her mil doesn't sound very enjoyable.

Mine also is smug about being the only gran, she literally I reduced herself to my eldest as 'your granny, your only grann' before sticking her finger in his mouth and going, ah, I can do this because I'm your granny. Which was fucking weirder becaus ei was changing his merconium nappy at the time. Don't start me on how she wa about breastfeeding.

So no, my husband is more than welcome to go see his mother on mother's day but I'll not be torturing myself for her.

Put yourself in her shoes.
Act with compassion.
Count your blessings.

So you're grand with your mil on mother's day so all bereaved people must be the same? 3 years is not that long. Also how old were you when you lost your mum? How long ago was it? I lost mine at 30, seems like ops Dil lost hers in her 20s. That is pretty early to be dealing with that.

Also op have you thought they may be struggling to conceive making mother's day the double sadness I had for 5 years after my mum died? It's a pretty horrific day for that reason. I suffered my first miscarriage the mother's day before my mum died, so I wasn't there on her last mother's day because I was in a hospital.

People have a lot of stuff going on, why don't you care? Why do you instead trot out the old 'oh he'll miss me when I'm dead...' nonsense

I would say, I understand, I just wanted to extend the invitation anyway. Would you both like to come over or go for a meal on another date as I miss you? That's it. There's 365 days a year to see each other, just choose one less painful for her 🤷‍♀️.