Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

[Thegardenmum]

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

This thread is being discussed loads on Twitter so hopefully OP has changed some details :/

Or it will go poof

As so many threads do

Which is annoying

Apologies if this has been mentioned upthread, but if the DIL's DM died within the past three years and is in the UK then it's very likely she couldn't grieve normally because of covid restrictions.

I found it massively upsetting when a close relative died and we couldn't see other family members but also just do things I normally do to cheer myself up, like a weekend away, gig or going out to a restaurant; obviously none of them cancel out the grief but having them taken away at that point didn't help. There's also been fewer normal Mother's Days to get through.

Three years isn't that long even without the pandemic, the OP has other kids to keep her company, Mother's Day really isn't that big a deal and she needs to cut the DIL a bit of slack here.

I think saying he's 'not seeing his own mum' is a bit of an exaggeration. He's with his wife. He's prioritising her that day. If her mum was alive he could just as easily be visiting her or if they have children it could be her time to be the 'mother'.
Sounds like your other children and their families are joining you for a meal. You'll have a nice time without him. Not every adult child sees their mum on mothers day. My mums nearly 80 and just round the corner from me. My son is 90mins away and has a girlfriend with a child. My daughters 45 mins away with husband and children. Her OHs mum lives nearby. The logistics just don't work. I'll likely spend the day with neither my mum or my children. I did however have a lovely birthday meal with my family. That felt like my day.

I'd imagine she is angry as she is hurt, maybe frustrated, sad and upset.

Can't blame OP for not coming back on the thread with some of the comments that have been made, but without her providing more context we will not know.

Its always possible OP has invited them to other family events and perhaps they have also declined. If you have taken as disdain OP's comment that DIL is "pleasant enough person but doesn’t seem to make much effort with our family", then maybe that has been the case, and OP is feeling upset that she doesn't see her son as much as she'd like because DIL doesn't want to.

Again, without OP's contribution we are all making assumptions and using our own interpretation.

That's bizarre. We each treat our PIL as family; a recent loss has shown me that they don't become less important when we lose our own parents but if anything more important. I'm sorry you son doesn't want to join the family celebration, but hopefully you can arrange a different weekend to spend with him and his wife instead. Ride through it and hope she comes around!

Even if the DIL wasn’t grieving, maybe they have children of their own and don’t want to spend 4 hours travelling on Mother’s Day!

Agree that a four hour round trip is a bit of a journey just for a lunch visit.

If it were me that lost my mum I'd want my DP to spend time with his while he still had her if it was his choice to do so.
Just MO though.

Really? Because you present it as fact.

My mil is the last person I want to go near on mother's day and I think she's been an appalling mother nothing like my own at all.

Op it sounds like a frustrated order rather than a sweet request.
Perhaps you could have phrased it more sensitively?

I understand the frustration BTW you feel you are missing out because she's lost her mom.
But even for me 20 years on its a brutally raw day. I do try and keep cheerful.

Well I very much doubt her son has just made a unilateral decision not to see his mother on mother's day because of his wife's feelings on that matter with no input form his wife!?! That seems extremely unlikely.

Maybe the son is hiding behind this because he doesn't want to return home and its kinder to say this?

😂Batshit crazy. If anyone believes this then feel welcome to go back on my old posts from years gone by. My own DD is now 18 and DS will be 15 this year. All you Inspector Clouseau's can do the maths with these old post which will have their ages on somewhere and the original year of posting. Utterly mental suggestion.

@Moonicorn - your entire argument on this thread is based on what you THINK. Not what you KNOW.

So you must realise your argument has no credibility. Sure, it makes sense in your head.

But it doesn’t make sense in most other people’s heads, because it seems so unlikely.

Can I ask you:

Does your DH do only what you ask? Does he never get to make any decisions for himself? Does he never get to do what he wants to do? Or, if he does, is it only because you let him?

Because that sounds pretty shit for him, being completely and utterly under your thumb.

I suspect he does get to make his own decisions about things, try hat he does get to state his preference/opinion, and doesn’t always do what you want. Am I right?

That being the case, your position on this thread does not stand up.

Interesting that you call her your son's wife, rather than your daughter-in-law.

Now now let’s not start with the semantics ‘ooooh very telling’ bull shit.

Right.

The semantics is ‘bullshit’, but not you being convinced you know what the DIL is doing…..

It’s a tired tactic on here, it just gets boring. And I’m not convinced - I said clearly what I thought ‘on a balance of probabilities’ and said I could be wrong. But don’t let that stand in the way of your dramatic accusations…

Lots of nastiness on this thread. Good to see MN intervening.

You sound heartless, insensitive and lacking in empathy OP. Maybe there are other reasons your son and daughter-in-law, sorry I mean “son’s wife”, don’t want to spend the day with you.

‘Dramatic accusations’?

You mean pointing out I think you’re wrong?

It’s OK to disagree.

Saw this on Twitter, so hopped over to see the actual thread.
Thank goodness the DIL has such a considerate and supportive husband.

I think some posters need a bit of perspective when it comes to the fact that Op's DiL may still be struggling 3 years after her mother's death.

Cast your minds back to how things were back then. My mum also died in 2020 ( 10 days after MD to be exact). If you all recall there were rules on how we should grieve....no visiting the Chapel of Rest (mum was cremated in her hospital gown as the undertakers weren't allowed to dress her), no "proper" funeral, no "wake", no hugs of comfort from friends (hell we even had to travel in separate cars to and from the crem). All of this added to the distress of losing someone you love so much. Everything that was considered "normal" when it came to saying goodbye to mum was taken from us. It took longer to process and TBH I still don't think me or my sisters have reached the point of acceptance even now.

I understand why OP's DiL MAY still be struggling because, unless anyone posting about how the DiL is "selfish" and controlling", actually had to go through what she, I and many others, did at that time you just won't "get" it at all.