Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

714 replies

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 16:38

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

OP posts:
Moonicorn · 26/02/2023 20:04

Oh come on. Again, what’s happened here is the OP isn’t coming across well, so everyone is leaping to the defence of DIL who is being massively unreasonable to need her DH with her on Mother’s Day 3 years after her mum passed. They’re both in the wrong for different reasons.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/02/2023 20:09

What can he do three years on? Oh, I don’t know - bring her breakfast in bed, take her out somewhere nice to take her mind off things, buy her flowers, listen to her talk about her mum, rent a movie, cook her a nice dinner - I’m sure there is plenty a caring husband can do to cheer up his wife.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/02/2023 20:13

Is there an official guideline for grieving that sets the exact day on which grieving MUST stop, and the bereaved person must instantly cheer up, then, @Moonicorn? Or is it just possible that different people grieve differently, and someone might still be sad even more than three years on!

My dad died in 2000 - I still feel sad sometimes - even very sad. I’ll just tell myself how weak I am and stop with my nonsense, shall I?

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 26/02/2023 20:40

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/02/2023 20:09

What can he do three years on? Oh, I don’t know - bring her breakfast in bed, take her out somewhere nice to take her mind off things, buy her flowers, listen to her talk about her mum, rent a movie, cook her a nice dinner - I’m sure there is plenty a caring husband can do to cheer up his wife.

Surely that's standard anyway. A good husband would and should do those things throughout the year. I wouldn't consider that unusual or being "looked after" if my husband made me dinner or bought me flowers.

I don't know. I have low tolerance for low resilience. I find the son and DIL response odd, but whatever.

ComfortablyDazed · 26/02/2023 20:41

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 26/02/2023 19:58

I'm not saying that the lunch itself is a big deal and he must go, although it seemed like a perfectly nice invitation. Just that I'm not sure what he can feasibly do three years on.

Be there for her? Radical, I know.

Look - gripe all you want. The OP’s son has made his decision, and the DIL isn’t even on here to have her mind changed, so … 🤷🏻‍♀️

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/02/2023 21:28

Not everyone can be highly resilient, @SpicedPumpkinLatte - it isn’t a failing, and perhaps you should consider being more sympathetic to and tolerant of people who have low resilience.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 26/02/2023 23:11

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 26/02/2023 18:15

I get it. But what do they want to happen now? Spend every mother's day in mourning, meanwhile his own mother is alive and wanting to see him?

Show quote history

It's either only a day, in which case you may feel you can ask the Dil to ignore her grief for the day but if it's only a day the asking the Mon grieving mil to compromise by having her son for a lunch a different day seems less shitty does it not?

Forgooodnesssakenow · 26/02/2023 23:16

Moonicorn · 26/02/2023 20:04

Oh come on. Again, what’s happened here is the OP isn’t coming across well, so everyone is leaping to the defence of DIL who is being massively unreasonable to need her DH with her on Mother’s Day 3 years after her mum passed. They’re both in the wrong for different reasons.

I lost my mum almost 10 yes ago, mother's day still doesn't feel great despite now having 2 children of my own.

The only thing that means for me is I opt out of planning anything for mil. I'm not going shopping for mothers Day cards and gifts, it makes me want to vomit. The whole day feels sad especially since we also had years of fertility problems and I miscarried my first pregnancy on mother's day.

I don't ask my husband not to see his mum, I'd happily pack him and the kids off and stay in bed with pringles, some dairy milk and have a cry while watching beaches or something but my children want mother's day with me because theyre wee.

My point is 3 years is fuck all for many after a close bereavement, and it's very possible the husband himself doesn't want to leave her. Also given their ages for all we know they are having fertility issues too. Her son hasn't bowed out fo her life, he's said no to a lunch.

expose · 26/02/2023 23:41

SerafinasGoose · 26/02/2023 18:28

You do realize that if a poster expresses a view that doesn't chime with that of the OP, this doesn't automatically mean they must be the person she is writing about? Don't be so silly.

I quote the direct wording of the OP. A message sent to both partners, 'reminding them it is Mothers' Day soon and could they come for a family meal ...' is clearly intended to convey that attendance is expected.

If further evidence of that were needed, OP is now pissed off that they won't attend.

The OP's own wording comes across as very much more like a command than a request.

I'm not surprised her son won't acquiesce.

Show quote history

Don’t be so silly to assume you know it is a command from the way the wording comes across to YOU.

jaychops · 27/02/2023 11:20

Haven't read the full thread, but my thoughts are what a wonderful supportive man you have raised.

What I would do if I was him though would be to arrange a seperate time with you to still celebrate you but on a neutral day when his wife will be OK, either there too or at home. I would be feeling disappointed if there was no effort from him at all.

cassie2and2 · 27/02/2023 12:41

just wondering what the other three childrens other halfs mothers are doing, or are they invited to lunch as well. What I find anoying is your pointing out daughter in law is three years older, why is that, also that you have the audacity to remind them it is mothers day and expect them to drop everything and pander to your whims.

GotABeatForYouMama · 27/02/2023 16:38

Moonicorn · 26/02/2023 20:04

Oh come on. Again, what’s happened here is the OP isn’t coming across well, so everyone is leaping to the defence of DIL who is being massively unreasonable to need her DH with her on Mother’s Day 3 years after her mum passed. They’re both in the wrong for different reasons.

As I mentioned upthread my mum also died in 2020. Do you want to give me a date when I should stop grieving so I can put it in my diary in case I forget?

MRex · 27/02/2023 17:40

GotABeatForYouMama · 27/02/2023 16:38

As I mentioned upthread my mum also died in 2020. Do you want to give me a date when I should stop grieving so I can put it in my diary in case I forget?

Show quote history

The DIL behaviour has nothing to do with grieving. I can grieve for my dad who died last year without putting a ban on events with my FIL. It really really really is not a fault in the in-law that they are alive when your parent is dead, it's very important to recognise that. You might dislike them for other reasons and that's fine, or you might be busy because you have some other plan, but saying the DS isn't to see his own mother because yours died - well, I've read each response and I still can't see any good reasons apart from spite.

GotABeatForYouMama · 27/02/2023 17:50

MRex · 27/02/2023 17:40

The DIL behaviour has nothing to do with grieving. I can grieve for my dad who died last year without putting a ban on events with my FIL. It really really really is not a fault in the in-law that they are alive when your parent is dead, it's very important to recognise that. You might dislike them for other reasons and that's fine, or you might be busy because you have some other plan, but saying the DS isn't to see his own mother because yours died - well, I've read each response and I still can't see any good reasons apart from spite.

Show quote history

If you could point to where the OP said that the DiL is banning the OP's son from visiting his mother on MD then feel free to do so....except you can't, because no-where does the OP say it. For all any of us know the DiL might want her DH to visit his mum but HE has decided not to....what with him being an adult and (presumably), able to make his own decisions.

MRex · 27/02/2023 18:00

No reply from DIL despite both being texted, and the DS says privately that he needs to stay with her. It isn't credible that they didn't discuss it. The onus lies with the grieving person to say "No dear I'll be fine, you go and see your mum." if he's skipping just to be with her.

ComfortablyDazed · 27/02/2023 18:01

MRex · 27/02/2023 17:40

The DIL behaviour has nothing to do with grieving. I can grieve for my dad who died last year without putting a ban on events with my FIL. It really really really is not a fault in the in-law that they are alive when your parent is dead, it's very important to recognise that. You might dislike them for other reasons and that's fine, or you might be busy because you have some other plan, but saying the DS isn't to see his own mother because yours died - well, I've read each response and I still can't see any good reasons apart from spite.

Show quote history

You might want to do another quick re-read of the thread to see where it ever says the DIL did or said any of the things in your over-active imagination.

GotABeatForYouMama · 27/02/2023 18:27

MRex · 27/02/2023 18:00

No reply from DIL despite both being texted, and the DS says privately that he needs to stay with her. It isn't credible that they didn't discuss it. The onus lies with the grieving person to say "No dear I'll be fine, you go and see your mum." if he's skipping just to be with her.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

Twice in that sentence the word "want" is quoted from the conversation, no-where does "need" appear. He wants to stay with his wife he doesn't say he needs to stay with her.

MRex · 27/02/2023 20:21

GotABeatForYouMama · 27/02/2023 18:27

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

Twice in that sentence the word "want" is quoted from the conversation, no-where does "need" appear. He wants to stay with his wife he doesn't say he needs to stay with her.

Show quote history

Ok, so in your version the DIL has no idea the DS even replied. She got a message from her MIL to invite her for lunch, and ignored it while assuming her DH ignored it too. That's nice!

Nixynic · 27/02/2023 20:26

Come on this is ridiculous. Her children are in their thirties. Who organises a day for themselves on Mother’s Day and demands their adult children have to come. Thirty years of Mother’s Days is more than enough. It should now be about the next generation of Mums. With young children of my own at home I would be fuming if my Mother-in-law demanded we did a 4 hour roundtrip for the day to be all about her. Mother’s days are for Mums with young children. When my children are 18+ I will be delighted with a card and a phone call.

WaddleAway · 27/02/2023 20:44

MRex · 27/02/2023 20:21

Ok, so in your version the DIL has no idea the DS even replied. She got a message from her MIL to invite her for lunch, and ignored it while assuming her DH ignored it too. That's nice!

Show quote history

Eh? Who is saying the DIL doesn’t know he replied? She could have said ‘I’m happy for you to go but I’d rather stay here as it will be too difficult for me’ and he said ‘no, I’d rather stay and support you’.
She could have said ‘If you want to go I’m happy to come’ and he said ‘no, can’t be arsed with driving 4 hours for a lunch’.
She could have said ‘bloody hell not another lunch with your mother’ and he said ‘yeah you’re right, fuck that’.
We have no idea what went on between the couple, only that the son decided not to attend. And as he’s a grown adult, we should assume that it was his decision.

Gabby8 · 27/02/2023 21:39

Nixynic · 27/02/2023 20:26

Come on this is ridiculous. Her children are in their thirties. Who organises a day for themselves on Mother’s Day and demands their adult children have to come. Thirty years of Mother’s Days is more than enough. It should now be about the next generation of Mums. With young children of my own at home I would be fuming if my Mother-in-law demanded we did a 4 hour roundtrip for the day to be all about her. Mother’s days are for Mums with young children. When my children are 18+ I will be delighted with a card and a phone call.

100 agree!

MRex · 28/02/2023 06:32

WaddleAway · 27/02/2023 20:44

Eh? Who is saying the DIL doesn’t know he replied? She could have said ‘I’m happy for you to go but I’d rather stay here as it will be too difficult for me’ and he said ‘no, I’d rather stay and support you’.
She could have said ‘If you want to go I’m happy to come’ and he said ‘no, can’t be arsed with driving 4 hours for a lunch’.
She could have said ‘bloody hell not another lunch with your mother’ and he said ‘yeah you’re right, fuck that’.
We have no idea what went on between the couple, only that the son decided not to attend. And as he’s a grown adult, we should assume that it was his decision.

Show quote history

Right, so now the couple don't fancy travel and use her dead mum as an excuse? That doesn't sound better to be honest, that sounds disgustingly manipulative.

Back in the real world, couples discuss an invite. She says "Oh I can't possibly because of my mum" and he feels obliged to stay with her. If she was thinking about his mum, she would go or at least encourage him to go. If they felt it was sensitive but were thoughtful, they could say "19th is too hard, we'll come to visit for Easter" to soften the blow. But none of that happens, because only DIL and her loss matters, the mum that's still alive is not considered at all.

WaddleAway · 28/02/2023 06:46

MRex · 28/02/2023 06:32

Right, so now the couple don't fancy travel and use her dead mum as an excuse? That doesn't sound better to be honest, that sounds disgustingly manipulative.

Back in the real world, couples discuss an invite. She says "Oh I can't possibly because of my mum" and he feels obliged to stay with her. If she was thinking about his mum, she would go or at least encourage him to go. If they felt it was sensitive but were thoughtful, they could say "19th is too hard, we'll come to visit for Easter" to soften the blow. But none of that happens, because only DIL and her loss matters, the mum that's still alive is not considered at all.

Show quote history

You’re funny 😄. The whole point was that we haven’t got a fucking clue what conversation went on between them. She could have spent 3 hours trying to convince him to go and he said no. WE JUST DON’T KNOW. So there’s no point blaming the DIL for being precious or manipulative, as WE DON’T KNOW what conversation they had. The son is an adult and he made a decision not to drive 4 hours to have lunch with his mum.

jeaux90 · 28/02/2023 06:48

He couldn't be arsed and used it as an excuse. In fairness I would not travel 2 hours for lunch either.

Bloopsie · 28/02/2023 07:02

You are lucky the other 3 can make it, in sure their partners have mums too or are mums themselves. As much as I get on with my MIL would not want to spend whole day at her house or travelling there, my husband and kids visit to drop off cards and flowers (she lives on the same street lol),and then we go out for the day with the kids.