Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

[Thegardenmum]

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

This is how I saw it too. It's awful that her mum died and it must feel raw on those days, however surely that shows us all that none of us know how long we have left. For that, I would think she would want her to want her DP to spend those special times with his mum.

This thread has been so interesting. Everyone’s views are so directly impacted by their own experience. OP hasn’t come back to defend herself but a number of other posters have stepped up to defend OP’s position. The number of people saying DIL should “suck it up” is truly shocking and demonstrates how harsh people can be when someone unwelcomely impacts on their life and choices. I am not surprised the son took the decision he did and my DH has also taken firm action when my MIL made demands which were impossible to meet due to our circumstances at the time. Turning up for a lunch due to a demand cannot be justified just because it’s a calendar event and grief is incredibly personal and varied. The insistence of blaming DIL for son’s actions/words is very interesting as I carry all the blame for all my DHs actions in MIL and SIL eyes. Really fascinating snapshot of the view of MIL/DIL relationships.

Maybe he doesn't want to spend mothers day with you!! You sound so entitled and a real PITA! When they have kids of their own (or maybe they already do) it would then be about your DIL as a mother not about you anyway. You need to get over yourself. My mum passed away and I find mother's day hard, but have my own young children to spend the day with,if my MIL demanded we spent the day with her I wouldn't be doing it. They might have considered spending time with you if you hadn't "reminded" them it was mother's day coming up and laid down your demands

This makes the point very well.

I would love to see my children on mother's day, but they will be having their own mothers days at home with their own children. I used to do something for my mum on mother's day, but haven't had anything done for me for nearly 20 years I think! I do get nice cards though.

I bet when your children have children of their own you will still expect them to visit you on mother's day as "you're still their mother".
I cannot fathom how you don't see how the first mothers day for your DIL could be difficult if the status quo is maintained. Good on your son for sitting this one out with her, she is his family now. You are his family of origin.

Yabu.

They've given you a valid reason. Also is she herself a mother? I kind of think anyone doing hands on mothering right now needs to be given priority in terms of giving them a 'special day'.

Maybe in future years you can combine

oh dear, you have taken real bollocking over your post and rightly so, wouldn't dream of reminding my son or expecting him to visit on mothers day, always very nice that he remembers, or more likely is reminded by my daughter in law and I receive flowers or something, but getting my knickers in a twist because he'd forgotten - no - under no circumstances do I expect things, he has his own life and family

17, thanks. Very sudden and traumatic.

Its not the DIL's first mothers day without her mum. It's been 3 years.

Maybe @Thegardenmum‘s dil is coping differently to you, @SpicedPumpkinLatte. Different people grieve differently, and if she is struggling even () after 3 years, who are we to say she is wrong.

It is not the first. Her mother died 3 years ago.

Does one's own mother need to be ignored on Mother's Day because the spouse's mother died 3 years ago?

3 years isn’t a long time, I understand some people saying “surely focus on the people in your life you have” but the MIL sounds really insensitive and demanding not somebody you would want to spend time with on a hard day. You can’t dictate to someone else how to grieve.

You insist on not getting it, don’t you?

Not everyone is the same. People grieve differently.

Did you see the empathetic post from a pp who said they lost their Mum three years ago at the height of the pandemic, and couldn’t farewell her properly, and it had a real impact?

She isn't being ignored.

He's just not making a 4-hour round trip to attend her summons to a meal.

Not saying she is wrong. Or that they are obliged to visit OP on mother's day necessarily. Just that life goes on and grief should not dibilitate us, particularly after a long period and as adults.

I get it. But what do they want to happen now? Spend every mother's day in mourning, meanwhile his own mother is alive and wanting to see him?

Since when did the invitation become a summons? Are you the DS/DIL?

You do realize that if a poster expresses a view that doesn't chime with that of the OP, this doesn't automatically mean they must be the person she is writing about? Don't be so silly.

I quote the direct wording of the OP. A message sent to both partners, 'reminding them it is Mothers' Day soon and could they come for a family meal ...' is clearly intended to convey that attendance is expected.

If further evidence of that were needed, OP is now pissed off that they won't attend.

The OP's own wording comes across as very much more like a command than a request.

I'm not surprised her son won't acquiesce.

If ds1’s dw needed him more on Mother’s Day, I would have absolutely NO problem with him prioritising her over me. I firmly believe that his first priority is his wife and child.

I would hope and expect that the grief will get easier for the OP’s DIL, as the years go by, so no, @SpicedPumpkinLatte, I wouldn’t her to spend every Mother’s Day in mourning - but while it is still painful for her, her dh is right to look after her.

He can always send his mum flowers and a card, and take her out for lunch or tea after Mother’s Day - it won’t mean he loves her any less if it’s not actually on Mother’s Day. But if the OP makes him choose, it could either damage their relationship, if he chooses his wife, or damage his marriage, if he chooses the OP - and this is avoidable.

Look after her? She's not a baby

And neither is OP who will have her other children there for Mother’s Day.

Her son has chosen to stay with his wife knowing this is a hard time for her. OP can be disappointed but there’s nothing she can do to change that nor anyone here regardless of our opinions on the matter.

So only a baby ever needs ‘looking after’ @SpicedPumpkinLatte? When my dh lost his mum to cancer, I looked after him - I supported him, listened to him, offered practical help with the arrangements for the funeral, and as it was the day before Christmas Eve, I did everything I could to help him get through that particular ‘first’. Perhaps I should have said “You are a grown up, dh - you don’t need me to look after you!” That wouldn’t have been at all cold hearted.

If someone you loved was going to be grieving and unhappy on a particular day, would you just bugger off and leave them alone because they are too old to need looking after? Or would you spend time with them and support them or try to make the day as good as it could be?

So it’s OK to pander to his Mum who’s in a huff because he won’t go to lunch. But not to ‘pander’ to his wife who is struggling?

What about the OP’s other DC?

Their partners are all foregoing spending Mother’s Day with their own Mums in order to have lunch with the OP. But that’s still not good enough for her?

I'm not saying that the lunch itself is a big deal and he must go, although it seemed like a perfectly nice invitation. Just that I'm not sure what he can feasibly do three years on.