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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to give a friend lifts any more

244 replies

Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 09:32

So after dealing with shitty family, I'm now looking at friendships - I want to be more assertive and make sure I'm not being used and that I have a good support network

For the past few months, I have given lifts to my friend to boxing.
My friend doesn't drive so I take her. She doesn't pay towards fuel at all.and has never offered - although I have said she needs to start contributing to the cost

As the boxing class doesn't finish until 10.30 pm I told her that supermarket stops after class would not be happening going forward and she can sort that out herself as I'm not prepared to wait for her to do a full shop at that time which also delays me getting home. (I've done it twice and she's had me waiting over an hour!!)
She got very angry and said she needs to do her shopping
I told her that was not my problem and I also reminded her that going forward she needs to contribute to the cost of petrol as she wouldn't be able to get to class without my car.
She was not happy so I said that it was fine but I would meet her there next week as i was fed up of being taken advantage of and used.
She said she cannot afford the taxis as one way is £10. I told her that she can get a bus and we will meet there. They run til 11.30pm so she could get home too and if she wanted to go to the class she would manage it.
AIBU to stop giving her lifts anywhere and just meet her at the class?
I feel I've been clear that she's taking advantage but feel a but guilty.
DH said that she's taking the piss with expecting me to wait for her to go shopping and also not contributing any petrol money and he thinks I'm 100% right

OP posts:
PolicyOfTruth · 22/02/2023 10:21

As everyone else has, I agree you're doing the right thing and your "friend" is a leech who has been using you and not appreciating you either. Personally, I offer to pay for petrol anytime someone gives me a lift.

I'd not be saying "25 a month", I'd be saying, "sorry we're done" as otherwise you're looking at ongoing arguments over missed / late / under payments and life's too short for that.

Original poster
Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 10:22

14 is the quote I was given but I suspect it would be more.
It can be cathartic to bring oneself down to the level of a CF and quite frankly I'm sick of being taken for a bloody ride - if she messages back I'm now going to ignore it.
Hubby said I was still too nice to her. Time to start chopping all the dead wood lol

OP posts:
Jaxinthebox · 22/02/2023 10:22

Just stop over explaining yourself to people. Once you do it a few times you will get the hang of it.

A simple, :no, that doesn't work for me" and repeat.

Im glad you stuck up for yourself. Well done.

hekissedmybottom · 22/02/2023 10:23

Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 10:15

@hekissedmybottom it's like you know her!!! That's exactly what she will do. She wouldn't dare call me owt unless it's behind my back as she knows I'm a black belt in 2 martial arts and I'd belt her one 🤣🤣
my problem is I've been treated badly by family for so long I second guess myself a lot

Ignoring is difficult at first but once you see the result it has you realise it's like holding a mirror up to these people, and that's the one thing people like that can't stand.

People like that live off the idea that it's others who are in the wrong and they prove this to themselves over and over again by getting into arguments. Soon as you disengage they have no choice but to face who they truly are.

I do know her, because they're all the same person.

fnaf123 · 22/02/2023 10:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TrashyPanda · 22/02/2023 10:28

Well done

i don’t drive, so I always make sure I can get to places by bus or I don’t go

Cryingbutstilltrying · 22/02/2023 10:29

Oh well done op! I think I would be inclined to block her now, you’ve said your piece quite clearly and she’s coming across as the sort of cf who would keep trying to engage with you. Blocking her removes any temptation to respond further and stops you having to read her foul rants. You don’t need to hear any negative bollocks from her. Good work on establishing those boundaries and keeping the negativity out, you’re awesome!

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/02/2023 10:32

So after dealing with shitty family, I'm now looking at friendships - I want to be more assertive and make sure I'm not being used and that I have a good support network
I can't be the only one who has the mental image of OP dusting her hands off & going "RIGHT!" while she walks down a queue of CF's, giving each one what for ...

She got very angry and said she needs to do her shopping
& you needed to get home.
Has she not heard of supermarket deliveries?

my problem is I've been treated badly by family for so long I second guess myself a lot
aHA!
And the family are ... dealt with now? Come on OP, you can't make vague allusions after the magnificent performance with the 'friend'. We NEED to know!

Did you find that your martial arts training gave you the oomph you needed to stop taking shit from family? I certainly don't mean in an aggressive or physical sense - more like you got more poise & confidence?
The second guessing is so debilitating, & it's usually based on "but what will so&so THINK of me?" - the trick is, whatever so&so thinks of you is none of your business. As you've seen with your 'friend' - what she thought of you was "useful resource" & when you took that away, you found there was nothing but self-interest & entitlement where you thought mutual respect & kind feelings ought to live. So no point giving a shit, is there?

Well done & keep weeding them out OP. Better a couple of close loyal mates than an army of favour-seekers.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/02/2023 10:32

Who the hell were the 2% who voted YABU?? Unless they clicked the wrong box there really are some CFs on here Hmm

Had to smile at the £10 towards petrol though, when she clearly had no intention ofpaying anything at all (even though you'd been very clear about the arrangement)

whattodo1975 · 22/02/2023 10:32

To be honest if i was driving there anyway i wouldn't be too fussed on petrol money, although nice if she offered.

The shopping trips are an absolute piss take though.

hekissedmybottom · 22/02/2023 10:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

What the... 4chan?
I played but on free mode and only saw these random yellow rooms

Sidge · 22/02/2023 10:33

You drive 40 minutes each way for a boxing class?

A taxi only costs £14 for a 40 min journey?

She made you stop at the supermarket on the way home to do her shopping at 10.30 at night AND YOU DID?

So many questions here…

Redebs · 22/02/2023 10:35

I wouldn't have her in my car again if she did that once, let alone twice.
And getting angry? Let her find her own way there.

Happierwithouthim · 22/02/2023 10:37

FoxFeatures · 22/02/2023 10:03

If I was travelling anyway, I wouldn't ask for petrol money, but there is no way in hell I would take her shopping afterwards.

Same as that, shopping on a once off if she begged me but at that hour of that night forget it!

hekissedmybottom · 22/02/2023 10:41

Sidge · 22/02/2023 10:33

You drive 40 minutes each way for a boxing class?

A taxi only costs £14 for a 40 min journey?

She made you stop at the supermarket on the way home to do her shopping at 10.30 at night AND YOU DID?

So many questions here…

Some people are easily taken advantage of and have a habit of going out of their way for people or letting people move in on them or take over their lives, travel miles to please them. They can't say no.

And then others are more than happy to notice this and take full advantage.

Both types of people are unfathomable to normal people.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 22/02/2023 10:42

Good on you OP! I love seeing rude entitled people being stood up to!

JennyJenny8675309 · 22/02/2023 10:42

But what about MEEEEEEEEE? 😂😂😂👏

bonzaitree · 22/02/2023 10:43

What made your attitude change OP? Why did you start setting boundaries with family and now friends?

1983Louise · 22/02/2023 10:43

Definitely the right thing, put your boundaries in place, you'll be well placed moving forward in life 😊

ivykaty44 · 22/02/2023 10:44

I wouldn't restart taking this person even if they offer money - they've shown disregard for you. They can get the bus

Original poster
Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 10:44

Family are dealt with yes lol. Haven't engaged since 1st Jan. 2023 will be the year of savagery lol.

Thankyou for all replies.

OP posts:
calmandcaffeinated · 22/02/2023 10:45

Well done OP! I recently had to drop a so called friend for taking advantage. I still questioned whether I did the right thing but when I read these threads I 100% know it did. I just wish I was more ballsy in my way of doing it (I just did NC).

WentForAWalk · 22/02/2023 10:45

Well done OP. She was taking the utter piss.

I drive, but if I was car sharing I'd always offer my share in petrol / parking.

calmandcaffeinated · 22/02/2023 10:46

Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 10:44

Family are dealt with yes lol. Haven't engaged since 1st Jan. 2023 will be the year of savagery lol.

Thankyou for all replies.

Please share your ways, I've got some CF family too.

Original poster
Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 10:46

@bonzaitree my attitude changed at the beginning of this year. When I realised how unhappy I was with all the negativity around me indecide to start chopping the dead wood. When I got my black belt I thought "right I am worthy of being treated properly" and now I'm on a mission to cut people out that I don't need - I have depression and anxiety so this is a big step for me

OP posts: