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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stingy in-laws, dreading visit

272 replies

BruhWhy · 21/02/2023 18:42

I'm going to start this off by saying we do love them and this is (mostly) tongue-in-cheek.

But they're proper stingy and I'm dreading visiting them this weekend 🙈

They live in the Midlands and us down south so we visit every 6 months or so for a couple of nights so they can spend time with the kids, we alternate and it's our turn to go to them.

When they visit I make sure I pull out all the stops to make them feel welcome and well-fed, think lovely salmon fillets, steak and extra nice recipes that I've saved for best, that sort of thing. They're always really grateful and enjoy the food a lot. We don't have loads of money but I really try to make sure we're good hosts.

When we go there we get fed TINY portions of bland, badly cooked, slimming world food (DH's stepmum is lifelong slimming world) which we find odd because FIL is a fantastic cook.

They're really well off, they're buying property abroad outright and have lots of money to spare, so I know it's not a budget issue because I'd totally understand it if that was the case.

We're always really polite about it obviously but by the time we're on the way home the kids are ready to eat eachother and we usually stop for expensive services food.

Last time we were there the kids were ravenous and kept asking for snacks and I could tell it really irritated them, kept saying "they must be bottomless, do they eat this much at home" they're really slim and healthy kids, they just need more than a chicken leg, a single potato and two florets of broccoli to last them 6 hours! So based on that reaction I don't feel I can really be honest with them, it'll just cause tension.

So I'm thinking about it taking a secret bag of food like a proper coward 👀

OP posts:
Queenshandbag · 22/02/2023 17:51

We have this with both my parents and parents in law. I think people just eat a lot less in their 60s and 70s. My parents will happily eat a small fillet of grilled fish, boiled potatoes and boiled veg every night while my in-laws think a good lunch is a small bowl of soup and some bread. I frequently have had to ask for something with protein as I’d never last a whole afternoon on that. My parents cut down their food quite a while ago (in their early 60s) I remember telling them I needed more than 3 small potatoes per mea when I was pregnant 13 years ago. Just take snacks. Nuts are good if no one is allergic as they are protein.

user1501270679 · 22/02/2023 17:53

SchoolTripDrama · 22/02/2023 17:47

You actually went to the extreme lengths of hiding food in the wardrobe in order to avoid asking for more food?!?!?!?

Show quote history

Presumably, it is because she was aware of the reaction that might occur if she did ask for more food...

Wiluli · 22/02/2023 18:00

Personally I would literally take shopping . Stop at tescos or similar and get bread sandwich stuff and snacks . They should get the very direct indirect that you all eat more than that . Or offer to buy and cook a meal? I know you don’t have too butI would

user1501270679 · 22/02/2023 18:01

BruhWhy · 22/02/2023 17:39

I have to say I didn't see this thread achieving a LTB, how bizarre

Anything on MN that involves in laws misbehaving, is in fact your DH's fault for letting them, and yours for letting him let them. Had you missed the memo OP?

SchoolTripDrama · 22/02/2023 18:02

EmmaDilemma5 · 21/02/2023 21:12

I think people forget what other people need.

They're older, their appetites have probably reduced. And they probably enjoy bland food if that's what they've gotten used to.

My parents are similar, if they don't want something they think others won't.

Personally I'd take a snack bag with crisps, nuts, fruit etc. If in laws ask, you can only be honest and say they like healthy snacks at home so we thought we'd bring them with us.

Or perhaps, at dinner, if your children have finished, ask if they're full and allow them to ask for something else. It may upset your in laws but surely they'll get over it. I'd be mortified to think my guests were constantly hungry.

Also, as others have said, if start to mirror their offerings. Just lower the standards a little to prevent your resentment.

OP's MIL is late forties!

soboredoflooking · 22/02/2023 18:02

I'd just take loads of food with me. Mainly snacks for the kids etc but to be honest I'd maybe also get them some food for the kids and just say I'll make dinner for them.

Maybe offer to make dinner one night for everyone or take something pre-made like lasagne. Cld always offer to buy a takeaway.

If they don't get the bloody hint then just keep doing it when u stay with them and they'll soon get used to it. I'd hate to think of anyone being hungry when they came to stay with me. I'm the exact opposite I'd buy lots of extra goodies!

Bleachmycloths · 22/02/2023 18:08

Take a couple of dishes with you like a giant homemade lasagna. Say that the kids are growing fast and need fuel. If they don’t like it, tough. If they have brought up children surely they know how older kids hoover up food!

Scarriff · 22/02/2023 18:14

Actually my sister is like that. Tiny portions. No seconds. No pud. One slice toast (horrid bread) for breakfast Life long dieter. No understanding of appetites, growing children, or anyone else's thoughts on food. No desire to learn either. We solved the problems by bringing food (so it didnt go off) and by cooking ourselves. I blame the dieting.

Petlover9 · 22/02/2023 18:20

IsItBedtimeYetNope · 21/02/2023 18:50

Stop feeding them fancy food when they visit. Cook for them what they cook for you. One potato each and do some bland poached chicken.

Good idea ^ Make sure your children have snacks in their bedroom and bribe them to secrecy - that will teach the miserly sods. If they say anything, say that you realise they have a special diet and wanted to emulate it for them. When they are gone bring out a lovely cake and ice cream

Eastereggsboxedupready · 22/02/2023 18:27

Surely it just screams YOU AREN'T REALLY WELCOME?

CambsAlways · 22/02/2023 18:28

I think they are CF they have lovely food at your house but don’t do the same as you say they aren’t short of a Bob or too

wentworthinmate · 22/02/2023 18:40

I find it’s always those with money that are tight with food. And one woman I knew was on the larger size (size 20+). Your in-laws probably eat very well when you and your family aren’t visiting. CF’s.

Nixynic · 22/02/2023 18:46

I always take a bag of food/snacks with us when we stay with family, or pop to the supermarket once we’re there. Eg kids favourite breakfast cereal, snacks, drinks, yoghurts, crisps. And when family come to stay with us they often bring things specific to their diets/needs. I don’t think it’s rude at all.

Nixynic · 22/02/2023 18:48

Also could it be her passive aggressive way of telling you that she thinks the meals you serve are too rich/indulgent in her opinion. Makes her feel superior by serving super healthy and low cal food.

AgathaMystery · 22/02/2023 18:49

I voted YABU.

Just ring them up beforehand and say, very politely, that you realise it’s a strange thing to have a conversation about but the children do a lot of sport & ideally need at least double the portions served. You can laugh it off and say… ‘you know the portions I serve when you come to us? Well, we eat that much each day.’

when we go to the in-laws we always always take loads of food and we are really open about it. They live off about 2 crumpets a day. It’s baffling.

Oblomov23 · 22/02/2023 18:53

@GnomeDePlume
Come on that wasn't what I meant. Of course the pil are stingy and OP's dc need more food.

But the fact is OP's Dh should say something to his father.

Oblomov23 · 22/02/2023 18:57

@RampantIvy
Thank you. Someone speaks sense. Op should at least say something. "I was wondering if we could talk about the food, the boys need more these days".

"need more than a chicken leg, a single potato and two florets of broccoli". Yes they do. So why don't you say so?

GretaS · 22/02/2023 18:57

How unkind and judgemental people are. Does it not occur to anyone that as people get older they get used to cooking smaller and simpler portions, their own appetite diminishes and they forget how to provide heaps of food, it becomes a real effort. Our parents were all the same, they preferred to come to us because a family of 5 was so difficult for them to manage . I'm sure they appreciate your efforts when they visit you. You could offer to bring a couple of mains like lasagne or a casserole, bring snacks or offer to share a takeaway? My d in law always brings a lovely curry which is much appreciated.
Calling them CF s etc is unhelpful and lacking in any empathy.

FrostyFifi · 22/02/2023 18:58

How unkind and judgemental people are. Does it not occur to anyone that as people get older they get used to cooking smaller and simpler portions, their own appetite diminishes and they forget how to provide heaps of food, it becomes a real effort

The MIL is in her forties.

Parr1960 · 22/02/2023 18:59

Maybe take a huge lasagne/shepherd's pie etc. Heat it up when you are there and make sure the lot is devoured, especially by the kids. When they comment on how much the kids have eaten, say that's nothing, you should see what they eat when they are hungry!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 22/02/2023 19:07

Just have snacks in your room, not an issue to make you ‘dread’ it.

RampantIvy · 22/02/2023 19:11

Does it not occur to anyone that as people get older they get used to cooking smaller and simpler portions, their own appetite diminishes and they forget how to provide heaps of food

The dad is 60 and stepmum is in her 40s. They aren't very old. DH and I are much older and don't starve our guests. They are just being mean spirited.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/02/2023 19:16

How unkind and judgemental people are. Does it not occur to anyone that as people get older they get used to cooking smaller and simpler portions, their own appetite diminishes and they forget how to provide heaps of food

She’s in her 40s 😂

Eastereggsboxedupready · 22/02/2023 19:20

Maybe at 39 she ate 2 potatoes!

coldhere · 22/02/2023 19:22

BruhWhy · 22/02/2023 17:39

I have to say I didn't see this thread achieving a LTB, how bizarre

Did it reach the LTB stage?

What is bizarre is how it would take you to bring it up with him to do something.