Stingy in-laws, dreading visit

[BruhWhy]

I'm going to start this off by saying we do love them and this is (mostly) tongue-in-cheek.

But they're proper stingy and I'm dreading visiting them this weekend 🙈

They live in the Midlands and us down south so we visit every 6 months or so for a couple of nights so they can spend time with the kids, we alternate and it's our turn to go to them.

When they visit I make sure I pull out all the stops to make them feel welcome and well-fed, think lovely salmon fillets, steak and extra nice recipes that I've saved for best, that sort of thing. They're always really grateful and enjoy the food a lot. We don't have loads of money but I really try to make sure we're good hosts.

When we go there we get fed TINY portions of bland, badly cooked, slimming world food (DH's stepmum is lifelong slimming world) which we find odd because FIL is a fantastic cook.

They're really well off, they're buying property abroad outright and have lots of money to spare, so I know it's not a budget issue because I'd totally understand it if that was the case.

We're always really polite about it obviously but by the time we're on the way home the kids are ready to eat eachother and we usually stop for expensive services food.

Last time we were there the kids were ravenous and kept asking for snacks and I could tell it really irritated them, kept saying "they must be bottomless, do they eat this much at home" they're really slim and healthy kids, they just need more than a chicken leg, a single potato and two florets of broccoli to last them 6 hours! So based on that reaction I don't feel I can really be honest with them, it'll just cause tension.

So I'm thinking about it taking a secret bag of food like a proper coward 👀

Sorry I can't spend time on reading all the responses but just wanted to send my moral support and say you are not alone! I utterly understand. I didn't have a mother-in-law but an older rude sister-in-law and judgemental bro-in-law. It was hell. Had to see them every Christmas for a meal at ours or theirs. My children younger so constantly criticised although mine actually were better behaved and did better at school despite their cousins having same opportunities. I only say that because of the nasty things I used to endure them saying about my daughters in their hearing.
It is so hard not to start going crazy as every little thing becomes a complete hell as you grind your way through the relationship. I just had to do it once a year, although often it happened more.
I give you all my sympathy and encourage your children to ask politely for second helpings while you calmly say they are good eaters and very healthy, maintaining good weights and very sporty etc. I did sometimes pretend to be Hyacinth Bouquet just for the hell of it as my thorns in the flesh were from a region with a specific Northern accent (one I usually love) and I was born not far from south coast so they used to keep saying I was "posh" because of the way I spoke, and got nearer to calling me snooty... if only they knew! They were older. She was extremely mean. Feeding them was agonising. Once I was 7-8 months pregnant and had a terrible infected tooth. Hadn't slept, the pain agony. I had to go by bus to the Dentist, over half hour there and back, feeling sick. Despite 2 cars idle on the drive. But they 'might need' theirs and i 'had to leave' ours in case 'hubby' needed it they said. Eventually on returning home longing to lie down, having been sick and had to get off bus mid journey.. The tooth taken out, I was longing to have peace. I found she was "waiting for you to get back to make lunch". I had left them loads of food and choice....

Oh, BruhWhy, I'd give you permission to put the frying pan accidentally down on their heads. But I'm not really violent. Michelle Obama said "Go higher" meaning when they are egregious, you get nicer. I think. Or just pretend to be Hyacinth Bouquet...

It's funny how some people expect you to look after them come what may. After my husband died I went out with a man for a while. When we went to my adult daughter's she would always feed us. When we went to his adult son and wife they would barely offer a cup of tea (the journey was about 3 hours) and would sit around until my friend said he'd take us out for lunch. Every time.

I really hate these threads, it's just encouraging bitching about inlaws when the answer is very simple. Be honest! Tell her your kids need more food as they're active and growing and take extra if need be. Be the parent and ensure the kids are adequately fed. If she takes the hump, tough. The kids being well fed is more important.

Given these visits are every 6 months or so I cant imagine the PIL's portion sizes are a daily topic of conversation for @BruhWhy and her DH!

OP do you genuinely think your ILs are being “stingy” - that is, making a deliberate effort to give you the least amount of food because they don’t want to spend money on their own family? Which means they’re horrible. Don’t visit them.
Do they want to put you off visiting them because you’re not good company? Improve your manners and be better company.
Do they think you eat too much and want to show you how you should eat? Learn from them.
Or do you think they’re just completely clueless about how much food your family are used to eating and they’d be absolutely mortified to see what you’ve written about them?
Look for a simple (and kind) solution rather than slagging them off to strangers on the internet. Take a crate-load of fruit with you and say something along the lines of “we’re on a health kick so we thought we’d bring along a load of fruit for eating between meals”.
Or take some dishes you’ve made yourself at home ( lasagne, stew, bread pudding, whatever) and say something like “I know we eat such a lot at our age compared to you so we’d really like to contribute towards meals.” Just find a solution rather than act like a victim.
The way you treat them will be the way your kids will learn to treat you one day.

It should be the 'D'H telling his DF and SMIL but he needs it pointing out to him.

Yeah it's really not, we might joke about it every couple of months but it's not the serious, relationship-ruining issue some people seem to have taken it as.

Drawing up divorce papers as we speak, could I name Slimming World as a co-respondent d'you think?

Yes we did. She wasn't the sort of woman who offered seconds, she was always full after her tiny dinner and never had any leftovers even if you asked more. She only cooked the exact amount and that was it.

We didn't dare ask for seconds, there wasn't any anyway.

MIL is lifelong slimming world yet eats everything that you cook💁 Fair enough that she says she’s having a week off when she comes to you but surely she could make the effort and ‘have a few days off’ so you all enjoy it when you go to them too !!! Maybe suggest treating them to a meal out or a nice takeaway to thank them for putting you up.

I genuinely don't see what the issue is. Just buy a big shop on the way there so you have plenty of food for yourselves and the kids. They obviously have a complete inability to scale up. Or they're just completely clueless and disinterested in food. Either way, just buy what you need if you're not prepared to say anything.

tell them you'll bring supper Friday night and take two M&S meal deals and get the dc something, and tell them you want to eat out Sunday lunch and book somewhere - that leaves Saturday night

take croissants for breakfast and snacks for the dc

when I go and stay with relatives, I take food with me as its my contribution to the weekend, I say im going to take a meal and we sought out which night were going to eat it when I get there - it lightens the load and we usually eat out once so its not out of the ordinary to do so

It might just be how they portion food? We had an aunt and uncle like this! I was terrible at my house my mum always did a help yourself style meal and everyone dug in. At theirs the portions were tiny. So much so we were going round for dinner 1 night and my dad actually took 3 rotisserie chickens!!! My mum was horrified and relieved in at the same time. But they did the same as always plated a very small amount along side their dinner and then put the rest in the bin as can’t be reheated!!!!!!

Bring snacks!

I would just take stuff with me especially for the kids. she might be on slimming world but no one else needs to starve

I’d just say to them - it’s probably hard to remember how much kids eat but if that all there is for dinner then they’d be asking for snacks all day. I might also be tempted to say to the kids, in front of her, you eat first have my portion I don’t mind being hungry / I don’t mind going out for a take away later. My DS1 is 16 and always hungry - if that happened he’d demand a Deliveroo!

I’d also stop feeding them nice food at yours not necessary at all. Just make whatever you do normally.

I empathise, OP! My German PIL have been running an unannounced competitive undereating campaign for 10+ years now. Abendbrot (which would normally be slices of bread , bread rolls, selection of meats and cheeses along with some kind of salad) has turned into literally one slice of homemade bread per person with meagre options for a topping. ANY more than this is commented on endlessly. We've now made it habit to try to go shopping immediately upon arrival so we have more options/snacks/etc.

Then of course they're mystified that their homemade loaf goes so quickly when we/anyone else visits.

I was so deeply relieved to finally chat with one of my SIL who said they had the same situation when they visit, to the point that they pack food to eat in their room if they stay overnight. But that they just rarely stay overnight now.

Everyone saying people should just "tell them like it is" have just no idea how obsessed the food monitoring types are. We have told them. It resulted in like half a slice of bread more or something insane. The monitoring continues, they feel as if they're being SO accommodating and how dare we still require more food. It's far more trouble than it's worth.

This reminds me of my ils. If dh, I and 2dcs were invited for lunch, mil would open two tins of Heinz tomato soup, rinsing the cans out by filling them half full with water and adding this into the pan to eke the soup out. This would be heated up to feed mil, fil, sil and dh, DCs and myself. We would get half a slice of bread each as well. Ils would then say they were full and struggling to finish the orange water soup.

If we were invited for dinner (which thank goodness was rarely), there invariably would be a small slice of meat, one small roast potato (dh and fil got 2), I spoonful of mashed potatoes and a tin of peas split between us all. If there was dessert, mil would take her bowl out to the ice cream van and get 2 scoops of ice cream, which would be shared amongst us (so in reality not much more than a teaspoonful each) served with something like half a small Mr Kiplings apple pie each. Fil again would lean back in his chair saying “oh I’m fair full, you shouldn’t have made so much mil.” Meanwhile the DCs would be saying they were starving, with ils giving them the evil eye, telling us how greedy they were! We invariably left soon after, to feed DCs again at home. Dh refused to say anything to them and wouldn’t let me do so, as he didn’t want to upset them. They definitely weren’t struggling financially, or I could have understood their meanness frugality.

However, if they came to us for dinner, fil would polish off a big bowl of home made soup and bread, help himself to a very large portion of meat, boiled and roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings and gravy (didn’t like fresh vegetables, so gave them a miss). Then he would have a big bowl of something like trifle for dessert and always asked if there were seconds! I could never get my head round how much he ate at our house never saying he was full, compared to how little he ate at his!

My SIL has always been the same, and my brother has no interest in food, it’s purely fuel and he’s not going to get bothered about it. A quiche, normal M&S size, a normal bag of salad and a small pot of potato salad….for 6 of us. We got McDonald’s on the way home….we never have McDonald’s….

Awww don’t knock Slimming World - I’ve found their endless choices of recipes very varied and we ate very well when I was following it !!!
But next time there, take snacks with you and a shop of food you like !

I wonder how much your children actually ate behind your back or never told you how hungry they were, unless your talking about an extra large chicken and whole potatoes. That really is not enough food to fuel growing children, especially active children, unless your intentionally missing out snacks between meals.

Today my 5yo had a bowl of cereal before school, she probably swiped some of her sisters or a bag of crisps without us knowing, some fruit at break time, packed lunch which involved a large ham wrap, popcorn, apple, cucumber & smoothie, after school she had half a donut, a full sized childrens lunch box filled with half a punnet of cherries, half a punnet of raspberries & half a punnet of blueberries which she ate on her way to gymnastics. As it was late and everyone was tired DH picked up McDonalds for dinner, she ate a hamburger, several chicken nuggets her fries and half my fries and a small mini chocolate Easter bunny for desert. She is absolutely tiny as are my other 2 children who eat just as much. They are growing active children, they spend all day doing activities at school (they go to a very physically active school). The first thing I hear after school is I’m hungry, they do sports and other clubs after school and weekends, there is no way a portion of chicken, 1 potato and some broccoli would fill any one of them.

1. StepMIL is only in her late forties. FIL is 60. Hardly at the point of diminished appetite, either of them.

2. No sign of diminished appetite when they visit OP either, hoovering up second helpings.

3. Yes, I'm judging.

"They're actually quite young, FIL is only 60 and MIL is in her late 40s"

Has she got any children? She may be completely unaware of how much food growing kids actually need. Maybe suggest a takeaway or meal out when you're there, and take a load of snacks that your kids help themselves to

Definitely take snacks with you. Heck, I'd be tempted to make sandwiches and stick them in a little cooler with an ice pack. I can't stand my kids feeling hungry and I don't care what other people (even if they're my in laws) think/feel about that. They should make sure there is enough food given they've seen how they haven't provided enough in the past. If they don't, they deserve to feel embarrassed.

Speak up! Tell them your children need more nourishment than that or they won’t want to visit any more. Thought grandparents were meant to do the over feeding gig 😙