Stingy in-laws, dreading visit

[BruhWhy]

I'm going to start this off by saying we do love them and this is (mostly) tongue-in-cheek.

But they're proper stingy and I'm dreading visiting them this weekend 🙈

They live in the Midlands and us down south so we visit every 6 months or so for a couple of nights so they can spend time with the kids, we alternate and it's our turn to go to them.

When they visit I make sure I pull out all the stops to make them feel welcome and well-fed, think lovely salmon fillets, steak and extra nice recipes that I've saved for best, that sort of thing. They're always really grateful and enjoy the food a lot. We don't have loads of money but I really try to make sure we're good hosts.

When we go there we get fed TINY portions of bland, badly cooked, slimming world food (DH's stepmum is lifelong slimming world) which we find odd because FIL is a fantastic cook.

They're really well off, they're buying property abroad outright and have lots of money to spare, so I know it's not a budget issue because I'd totally understand it if that was the case.

We're always really polite about it obviously but by the time we're on the way home the kids are ready to eat eachother and we usually stop for expensive services food.

Last time we were there the kids were ravenous and kept asking for snacks and I could tell it really irritated them, kept saying "they must be bottomless, do they eat this much at home" they're really slim and healthy kids, they just need more than a chicken leg, a single potato and two florets of broccoli to last them 6 hours! So based on that reaction I don't feel I can really be honest with them, it'll just cause tension.

So I'm thinking about it taking a secret bag of food like a proper coward 👀

I’m baffled by amount of people who avoid saying anything about the matter. I can’t imagine starving my kids just to satisfy somebody’s eating habits.

Funny enough the stingy CF’s (because that’s what they are) don’t have a problem scoffing everything when being hosted.
Bad basic manners and crap hospitality,not to mention outrageous way to treat family.
Penis portions is another example.

Yes, I’m judgemental cow when I’m being taken for a ride. Sod hiding food and eating in secret.

Disordered eating at its finest.

Speak up people.
Unless somebody’s really skint I don’t see why anybody would pander to such behaviour and still put themselves out.

Very awkward...my mum now does this and once served a standard supermarket pizza between 3 if us, 2 slices each, which was me (bit hungry) my dad (very elderly, little appetite, fine for him) and 17 year old son, who regularly eats a whole one. It's not easy to say anything, as everything is planned and shopped in advance, and she is getting on in years. We usually do short visits as it's only a couple of hours drive, but if staying longer I might offer to cook or take a dish or two with me.

Yes this! My dad is a bit portion control minded. I say DAD I won’t have you starve my children in front of me, double or triple the potato servings please or I’ll serve them myself.

So many CF in laws on this thread... I can't believe how common it is to under feed when DC / GDC go visit them but eat up all the good food (and go back for seconds) when they come to visit.

I definitely think there's something weird going on mentally, like trying to perpetuate some post war time, faux humble mind game 'we make do', 'we don't need much' or keeping appearances regarding their diet. Like they are trying to teach us a lesson, it's quite fucked up. They see the generation below them as really greedy / the types to go over the top and make too much fuss over food.

I find it odd when people can't just have a conversation with their own families, unless there is some backstory of toxicity or something. By some people, I mean your DH btw. You shouldn't be the one to have the conversation. Surely if the kids are going home starving, your DH, being a grown adult male, must be starving too. He just needs to say something and problem solved, surely?!

My BIL once had a conversation with us about my FIL and his partner- (no longer with us as died 3 years ago) apparently when his daughter aged about 9 used to go and stay over she always came back very hungry - because although they appeared to have a lot of snacks around it was all cheap biscuits, cake and some nuts and olives. None of which she ate. No fruit, hummus , yoghurts or cheese or crackers etc. consequently they nibbled on this stuff every evening about 5 and then ate tiny meals- so she was always starving. SIL started sending her with cereal bars and babybels etc in her rucksack. When we go we always do an M&S shop on the way and I offer to cook as it's either that or a diet of biscuits, olives and very tiny ready meals. We also always book one night out- FIL isn't stingy- he always pays!! I think now he's so used to meals for one that it's all ready meals and he can't scale up- he is however 83 and a lovely chap ! At 40 odd though the OPs MIL is just clearly tight!

If she is step dm could she resent spending on you all?

My DH would tell his parents the kids were hungry and find them some food. Is sitting there hungry a thing?

Second time round I'd probably bring a big box of cereal, milk, an extra loaf and some yoghurts to save the stingy ILs the 'expense' and make sure my kids (and I!) were sufficiently fed.

Just plonk it down in the kitchen "I've bought these to keep the kids topped up, they're both filling themselves up ready for a growth spurt! I can't keep up with the clothes! Hoho" jolly jolly jolly.

No way would we be hungry all weekend to save mild awkwardness - how miserable!

YABU. Only because you intend taking a bag of snacks, On the quiet 🤫

Just give the in laws chance to get their point across to the DI. Both have nobody else to point the finger at

The DH will only say anything if the OP tells him too. He appears to be unable to say anything of his own volition. But OP thinks he is pretty so maybe to her it is worth the kids going hungry

I'm entirely with the Members saying it's up to the DH, father of the DC to speak to his parents and tell them his children need more to eat. Maybe the parents have forgotten how fast children grow. But their dad ought to take up the case with his own parents and if they didn't buy enough food in beforehand just take some extras along with you and openly produce them.

If the OP's DH won't say anything then she will just have to do it. But if that were me I'd have something to say to DH in private about it!

I'd be very reluctant to feed them on the quiet.

That's all I can contribute, sorry.

Any update @BruhWhy? How did it go?

I have a wealthy friend who nearly starves me to death when I stay. I visit M&S & buy food and she doesn’t turn a hair. I find your in-laws shameful, as generosity with food is upheld in every culture I can think of.

Why does she do that though?!

You're a whole adult. A parent yourself none the less and you'd rather starve yourselves AND your kids than bring your own food and feed them? If the grandparents want to eat like birds, that's on them.I'd bring my own food and say I wouldn't want to impose on your for how we eat. We can eat as a family if they so choose, but it's not going to be the ONLY meal servings my family eats. We don't even have to eat together if you want to avoid being awkward. Is it just the grandmother wanting to stay slimmer? Is GRANDPA willing to eat normal portions with you all or be excited to actually have someone to cook for?

I'd bring it up with your FIL together with your spouse, because the problem seems to stereotypically lie with the grandmother. They can change their eating habits for a weekend and still look frail.

My in-laws once installed a smaller, shallow bath because my sil used too much water in her bath when she visited. Mind you, I was too splashy in the shower & got told off! That was the last time I stayed with them.

They have an idea of portions, no-one will change that idea. Eating more is "gutsy" or whatever word they have for thinking it's plain greed.

I would say something myself.

Why does everything have to be a confrontation? Just take extra shopping with you and tell them that you want to stock up because your children need more food these days.

As for hiding food that ridiculous.

It's Mumsnet. Nobody discusses or has a conversation with their in laws, they always "confront " them .

Yes. In real life everyone just has a normal non confrontational and constructive conversation. It isn't difficult.

If the OP's DH won't say anything then she will just have to do it. But if that were me I'd have something to say to DH in private about it!

Nah, I can't get on board with asking dh to do it. If he were going to he would have done so already. If you have something to say then just say it yourself. It's perfectly possible to disagree without falling out.

I wouldn't cook expensive food for them anymore if I were in your position; I'd definitely be bringing extra food when staying with them, and I would VERY obvious about it and vocal about the reason for it.