Stingy in-laws, dreading visit

[BruhWhy]

I'm going to start this off by saying we do love them and this is (mostly) tongue-in-cheek.

But they're proper stingy and I'm dreading visiting them this weekend 🙈

They live in the Midlands and us down south so we visit every 6 months or so for a couple of nights so they can spend time with the kids, we alternate and it's our turn to go to them.

When they visit I make sure I pull out all the stops to make them feel welcome and well-fed, think lovely salmon fillets, steak and extra nice recipes that I've saved for best, that sort of thing. They're always really grateful and enjoy the food a lot. We don't have loads of money but I really try to make sure we're good hosts.

When we go there we get fed TINY portions of bland, badly cooked, slimming world food (DH's stepmum is lifelong slimming world) which we find odd because FIL is a fantastic cook.

They're really well off, they're buying property abroad outright and have lots of money to spare, so I know it's not a budget issue because I'd totally understand it if that was the case.

We're always really polite about it obviously but by the time we're on the way home the kids are ready to eat eachother and we usually stop for expensive services food.

Last time we were there the kids were ravenous and kept asking for snacks and I could tell it really irritated them, kept saying "they must be bottomless, do they eat this much at home" they're really slim and healthy kids, they just need more than a chicken leg, a single potato and two florets of broccoli to last them 6 hours! So based on that reaction I don't feel I can really be honest with them, it'll just cause tension.

So I'm thinking about it taking a secret bag of food like a proper coward 👀

Some people have very different ideas as to what is a decent portion size. My dad's mum had the appetite of a sparrow and thought everyone else must be the same. My mum's mother on the otherhand would take us out for a slap up three course pub lunch and then be making everybody sandwiches less than an hour after we returned to her home.

Yeah you have a DH problem he should be stepping up for your family.

Well if it happens all the time and you know you’re going to end up eating out I’d either take a load of ham sandwiches with me or take all the ingredients of what I would have been cooking that night anyway and make it at hers.
maybe she wouldn’t be so fond of pulling that one if she knew you would no longer be going out for food. It would get the point across even better if she didn’t like the food you were cooking.

I think yourSM has serious food issues, she maybe dreads ‘middle aged spread’. Forties are prime time for women to start expanding! When she comes to you, she can ‘blame’ you for feeding her , and rationalise her consumption of a (normal) meal by pretending to herself that she has to eat it out of politeness.

however , this doesn’t mean that she can starve your children to death, and I don’t think I would be accepting the SW nonsense as something that children can be expected to take as sensible behaviour ( though I am assuming they are not chubby). I think you just have to say openly that what is sensible eating for a middle aged couple is not enough for growing children. If they don’t accept this, you’ll just have to ration your visits.

What kind of a man is DH that he can’t sort this situation out? He would rather his kids go hungry.

As usual, you have a massive DH problem.

My mum is generous with meals but when we go to stay, I take a shopping bag full of stuff because I know my kids will want extra food plus some treats for my mum.
It'll just be stuff like croissants, fruit, yoghurts, nice bread, cheese and whatever else takes my fancy.

It's his dad, but his stepmother of about 10 years and no they're not especially close. On really lovely terms and they love the DC very much but no, not close. I'd have no issue saying anything to my family but it's not like that with his.

Also to the comments suggesting I watch my kids waste away, obviously they eat! They ask for snacks non-stop and they're given them, just with a snooty hollow legs comment. Then they're desperate for a maccies on the way home.

Why go? If I wasn't fed properly and my kids were starving I'd just refuse to go. All this sneaking a cereal bar in your suitcase really?

I'd just be honest that there isn't enough food when you visit. OR invite them to yours and play them at their own game, obviously feed your kids properly but adults can have what you are normally offered at theirs, see their reaction 😆, if they say something say "I thought you loved this, you served it us last time we visited"

Your children are not being fed properly by a young step gmum and their 60 yo grandad and this is a lighthearted thread?

I'd tell them that you can't visit because the children are too hungry at theirs. No way would I put up with this shit

Bring a big loaf of crusty bread to go with the meal, and a FILLING dessert to share. Say something about, "Sorry, hope we haven't brought too much, but as you'll know, kids get really hungry because they're growing." Hopefully she might get the hint at some point.

My 6 year old would eat that, eat the same again, ask if there is more chicken, say I’m starving, eat two slices of peanut butter toast and two bananas, go get in pjs, come back and say he’s starving. No one would survive family visits if he and his brother weren’t fed. We’d have to bring/ make spaghetti bolognese or similar if visiting the ops in laws and frankly I’d just do that rather than snacks. My kids need proper meals.

why are you bending over backwards to please these people who treat you so ungenerously???
Come on!

Or suggest going out for food, and paying for your own nuclear family.

My in-laws also served miniature portions of food in their old age. I think they'd forgotten that younger people eat a lot more than elderly folk do!

A typical salad supper for 6 people comprised two tomatoes sliced up and put on a saucer; two inches of cucumber, sliced; 2 ciabata rolls, sliced as if they were miniature loaves; a few lettuce leaves; a small tin of tuna; a small piece of cheese and 3 slices of ham, cut in half.

We used to take our own "emergency supplies" and keep them in the bedroom! A bag of apples, some cereal/nut/granola bars, biscuits, chocolate bars etc.

A friend of mine once invited us round for dinner - 6 of us - half a baked potato each ( and it was a special dinner where one couple had brought the starters - I brought the pudding ) nice bread and pate - she put that pate away for lunch the next day ) dinner was tiny - everyone was hungry. Honestly I think don't over cater but just make sure everyone has enough to eat, It's just hospitable.

Next time you arrange to go, get your husband to say something along the lines of:

"Oh by the way, I thought I should warn you that the kids seem to be eating us out of house and home at the moment as they have really healthy appetites, so be prepared for empty cupboards"

I would definitely take things, but it certainly wouldn't be discreet/in a handbag. Why should it be a secret? I'd say something like "i've brought some extra snacks for the kids, is there a particular shelf/cupboard I should put it in/shall I leave the carrier bag in the utility room?" when you arrive. Then the kids can help themselves when they want extra. Maybe also "we had loads of fruit that needs eating too, I'll pop this bowl on the side, it would have gone to waste at home" - then instruct the kids to help themselves.

My PIL are dreadful with food, I turned up before for “lunch” to theirs once with DH and DC (while I was breastfeeding DC 2) to find that they “hadn’t done a food shop yet” and they made some odd plate of leftovers for everyone to share. I was so hungry (breastfeeding hunger rage) that I walked to the shop after “lunch” and scoffed a ready made sandwich and chocolate bars and then bought a bag of snacks for DC1. Now I always take food in my bag when I’m going there, just in case.
It was remarked upon once and I just said “as a mum I never go anywhere without snacks” and moved the convo on.
So alien to me as my parents always make such a fuss of us when we go to lunch with snacks, multiple courses, pudding…

I would try to make a joke. I once served too small portion of fish at dinner and my cousin said "so was there a shortage of cod?" I laughed and made sure I upped the portion next day!

My MIL got a bit funny about portion sizes at one time. She had been dieting all her life then finally managed to lose some weight successfully and I think it skewed her perception of what everyone else should be having as well.

People can become diet zealots, a bit like some people who stop smoking after many years can become very anti-smoking. Perhaps mingled with a view of a "young people eat too much nowadays, we were better in my day". Maybe with a (laudable) aim to not waste food, but going a little OTT.

I would definitely be honest about it - or at least delegate that to DH. He certainly doesn't like tiddly portions. And when you visit parents or PILs as tired parents of youngsters it is so nice to feel looked after yourself.

I'd have no issue saying anything to my family but it's not like that with his.

Also to the comments suggesting I watch my kids waste away, obviously they eat! They ask for snacks non-stop and they're given them, just with a snooty hollow legs comment. Then they're desperate for a maccies on the way home.

But has anyone actually said to them that they are growing children and need more food than that? TBH I would not be concerned about offending them by bringing extra food. It can be done in a polite but assertive manner. There is no need to be rude about it. And I agree with pp that your DH needs to put his big boy pants on and advocate for his family.

The number of posters who pussyfoot around their hosts by bringing secret snacks to eat in the bedroom is ridiculous. I would be very open about it and hope that the hosts get the message.

We had guests at the weekend. Both diabetic and both very overweight. It was not for me to police their eating, so I cooked normal portion sized meals. We don't eat cakes and puddings as a rule so I didn't provide them, nor were they expected.

Stop buying the fancy stuff!
Make a note of what they feed you then buy it in and feed them that when they visit.

Its what we always have at yours so I thought you'd prefer it. 😇

I wonder if PIL are in fact secret eaters themselves.

The meals you describe arent sufficient to keep body and soul together if PIL are reasonably active. The SW portions are for show then each PIL disappears at some point and scoffs half a packet of biscuits.

Take extra food like fruit, cereal bars and savoury bits and don’t bother to hide it! The in laws sound like idiots. Next time they stay with you don’t bother with the nice food.

You may have hit the nail on the head @GnomeDePlume