Stingy in-laws, dreading visit

[BruhWhy]

I'm going to start this off by saying we do love them and this is (mostly) tongue-in-cheek.

But they're proper stingy and I'm dreading visiting them this weekend 🙈

They live in the Midlands and us down south so we visit every 6 months or so for a couple of nights so they can spend time with the kids, we alternate and it's our turn to go to them.

When they visit I make sure I pull out all the stops to make them feel welcome and well-fed, think lovely salmon fillets, steak and extra nice recipes that I've saved for best, that sort of thing. They're always really grateful and enjoy the food a lot. We don't have loads of money but I really try to make sure we're good hosts.

When we go there we get fed TINY portions of bland, badly cooked, slimming world food (DH's stepmum is lifelong slimming world) which we find odd because FIL is a fantastic cook.

They're really well off, they're buying property abroad outright and have lots of money to spare, so I know it's not a budget issue because I'd totally understand it if that was the case.

We're always really polite about it obviously but by the time we're on the way home the kids are ready to eat eachother and we usually stop for expensive services food.

Last time we were there the kids were ravenous and kept asking for snacks and I could tell it really irritated them, kept saying "they must be bottomless, do they eat this much at home" they're really slim and healthy kids, they just need more than a chicken leg, a single potato and two florets of broccoli to last them 6 hours! So based on that reaction I don't feel I can really be honest with them, it'll just cause tension.

So I'm thinking about it taking a secret bag of food like a proper coward 👀

Has SM had kids & is used to feeding them?

When we stayed as a family of 4 I tended to cook or at least make sure that there would be enough for all of us.

The dad clearly has had kids so he is one who needs to step up here.

Why does cooking and food prep always default to the woman? Women are sometimes the most guilty of perpetuating sexist behaviour.

Just bring lots of snacks. You don't need to be secret about it and maybe suggest going out for dinner.

Secret eating by PIL would make sense of the meals they offer wouldnt it @RampantIvy .

They arent elderly so presumably reasonably active. They are getting their calories from somewhere - chechez les biscuit wrappers!

@BruhWhy when you visit do DPIL disappear off for periods of time? Probably separately. Possibly both are maintaining the deception of eating very little even to each other.

I'd definitely take a big bag of stuff and no way would it be secret either. Her disordered eating is not your kids problem.

I have no idea why you don't tell them that it isn't enough for you let alone a growing family go out for dinner

I mentioned the SM as I thought that she was the one doing the cooking in this case, not because I think that women should cook.

Perhaps the dad thinks eveyone is happy with the food if nothing is said?

🤣🤣🤣🤣 I do love a Mumsnet competitive undereating! On what planet is a chicken leg, a single potato and two florets of broccoli a sufficient meal for anyone over the age of 7? Fucking ridiculous

@GnomeDePlume "cherchez les biscuit wrappers" I love this !

If the chicken leg the whole leg (thigh and drumstick) not just drumstick?
If the potato a whole baked potato?

: planet hopeful :

@Dogscanteatonions it’s really not. Our corresponding meal would be a chicken shared between our household so 2 people get legs and each breast is halved for remaining 4 portions. The ‘larger eaters’ get 2 potatoes, others get 1 or 1.5 and we have one who takes a half, and everyone gets broccoli. Gravy is appreciated by some, not others and a faff so a rare event. That’s a standard meal, no one walks away hungry and that includes young men over 6’ and 2 fat parents. Personally I’d be really perplexed if people had to stop and gave McD’s or similar after such a meal.

To be honest, I think most people just eat too much and are hungry otherwise as they are used to it, not because they need it. A friends child was an enormous eater, and unsurprisingly she would go on about the constant volume of output out the rear end. It starts young as I’m often surprised with the volume of food people describe here in reception lunch boxes. Seriously, the contents of one reception lunch box here would have covered most of my kids including teens. No one ever went hungry, some were really active with general physical activity/competitive team sports, others not so much, good growth and extremely healthy, apart from one born with issues unrelated to subsequent diet.

Even if she does the cook, it is the dad this matter needs to be addressed with.

If we're talking a whole chicken leg including the thigh, and two large potatoes plus plenty of veg? Yeah I can see how that would fill you up, it would definitely me. But this was just the drumstick (MIL bought a small pack of drumsticks so it was literally one each), the potatoes were like salad potatoes and two broccoli florets so a really small amount of food actually.

My kids are healthy, active and slim so I think I'm doing ok with their portion sizes. We all have different activity levels and metabolisms.

I imagined a drumstick and a single roastie/boiled spud!

'A potato' is not a standard measure! As OP has said - salad potato size.

Anyway, PIL are hosting. Normal social rules indicate generosity.

@BruhWhy are your DCs of an age where they would enjoy a game of 'Hunt the GPs secret food stash'? I bet there is one. Garage or garden shed would be a good place to start!

Obviously not being serious!

I would say don’t change the way you are with her. You seem like a great host and very hospitable and that should be a personal thing to the way you are as a person. I don’t think you should change the way you host i think its a sign of good character. But it seems like she’s oblivious to the fact you guys aren’t on slimming food diets !? and abit silly to feed kids that less. I would just either have a word with her if you feel you can, if not, bring a small food shop like others have suggested. Also maybe ask your husband to speak to his dad. Kids eat nothing some days and then are ready to eat a whole house the next! surely she should know that about young children.

"We're always really polite about it obviously but by the time we're on the way home the kids are ready to eat each other and we usually stop for expensive services food."

I just despair at posts like this. Why don't you just be HONEST with them? They're growing children and they need bigger portions than this and so do we two adults?

And I wouldn't be feeding them as well as you do when they visit either. If asked about the change, I'd be telling them that you're trying to feed them as they feed themselves, you've realised that plying them with food they don't choose to eat at home is just rude of you. I'm sure they can fill their bellies with that food for thought.

But honestly - stop being 'polite' (it's not polite, it's cowardly and a bit cruel to your children) and HAVE A CONVERSATION about food. Their eating sounds completely deranged.

When they visit I make sure I pull out all the stops to make them feel welcome and well-fed, think lovely salmon fillets, steak and extra nice recipes that I've saved for best, that sort of thing. They're always really grateful and enjoy the food a lot.

Sure about that? Or are they just so polite and kind they compliment the food and your cooking and eat it up, even though its far more quantity /far fancier than they normally eat, and they often feel bilious/stuffed/over fed.

Then when they are the hosts, they try to show you what their norm is, hoping you'll take the hint.

There's always another side to the coin.

Comments by your in-law’s about your DC’s eating habits are not acceptable. Especially when they are hosting or not providing enough food. And your MIL clearly has her own issues regarding her own weight which she is projecting on to the children with her uneducated comments. I would be very obviously bringing food and giving it to my DC’s in front of in-laws to make a point about their stinginess. And also asking them to not comment your DC’s eating habits!

Sure about that? Or are they just so polite and kind they compliment the food and your cooking and eat it up, even though its far more quantity /far fancier than they normally eat, and they often feel bilious/stuffed/over fed.

OP has confirmed that when visiting, they eat seconds. Which would be stretching politeness a bit far if you're already stuffed.

My PILs are exactly the same (but older!) we’ve been there before when she’s tried to feed a recipe meant for 4 to 5 adults and 4 kids (with no extras). Or we’ll get fish and chips and everyone chooses their fish/sausage etc and she’ll order 2 large portions of chips to share between 8 adults and 7 kids!
it’s become a standing joke now and we always make a fuss that we’ll order the takeaway cos Grandma can’t be trusted!!
When she’s at ours and helps prep dinner I always make a fuss of giving her loads of veg/potatoes “because you know we all have big appetites in our house”.
I now take a bag of food to theirs and put it on the side/in the fridge and explain either they’re always hungry so I bought extra, or I brought the cereal/crisps/biscuits that they like, or I had this left in the fridge so brought it up. I do the same for me too after she tried to ration the Xmas chocolates one year (😂🤯🤪) so I always make sure I bring loads and we all tuck in to our hearts / bellies delight!!

Next time tell your father inlaw that you’ve heard he’s a wonderful cook & you would love for him to make dinner.
tell mill that Children cannot exist on a starvation diet. They need a minimum of 7400 kilojoules a day for healthy growth.
skinny does not necessarily mean healthy. My mother was obsessed with being skinny & she raised us on a starvation diet , as growing children we barely got 4000 kilojoules a day with almost Zero fat . It’s left me with life long vitamin deficiencies. I was recently diagnosed with a genetic blood disease (Thalassemia A) that was never diagnosed when I was a child because iron deficiency was chronic for me.

I get you. We stay with some very well off friends (retired and multiple expensive holidays) but when we go we always get given shit food. Think fake croissants, margarine and fry cheap steak. I can’t understand it-my husband says it because people prioritise different things things depending on how important it is to them. I think he’s right. Just sneak some nice food in with you-can’t believe they feed others diet food!

Actually I’ve a relative who does slimming world who does this too. She will make slimming world meals when hosting.

honestly they are devoid of all taste. No fat or sugar in there. The fact we can eat unlimited amounts apparently and it’s all “free” is no consolation. I don’t want to eat copious amounts of rice. She’s a fantastic cook too, but when she decides she’s on slimming world, the food is no joy.

we all sit there and go wow, that’s so lovely, really, gosh, no sugar or fat you say, wow, you’d never know, and we can eat loads, unlimited, crikey! Whilst forcing it down.😂

You need to be honest. You and your husband should savour MIL meals just as she prepares them; you are old enough to cope.
The children are growing so you need to tell their grandparents that they need more food. Add some pasta and cheese, an egg or extra vegetables to their meals and take some icecream so to add to their dessert.
Your children should be polite enough to let their grandmother know how much they enjoy her food and seeing her.
Another way is to bring ingredients to make a tasty Fruit Slice, Zuchini Cake, Chocolate Brownie or Apple Cake etc and have the kids show Granny how they can cook.

Perhaps you shouting the family out to one feast at a local restaurant so Mum doesn't have to cook for you all every meal.
Make sure your children know to eat a large breakfast.
Have a bowl of fruit available.
Cut the bread thickly for them for their sandwiches if on a picnic. etc.