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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stingy in-laws, dreading visit

272 replies

BruhWhy · 21/02/2023 18:42

I'm going to start this off by saying we do love them and this is (mostly) tongue-in-cheek.

But they're proper stingy and I'm dreading visiting them this weekend 🙈

They live in the Midlands and us down south so we visit every 6 months or so for a couple of nights so they can spend time with the kids, we alternate and it's our turn to go to them.

When they visit I make sure I pull out all the stops to make them feel welcome and well-fed, think lovely salmon fillets, steak and extra nice recipes that I've saved for best, that sort of thing. They're always really grateful and enjoy the food a lot. We don't have loads of money but I really try to make sure we're good hosts.

When we go there we get fed TINY portions of bland, badly cooked, slimming world food (DH's stepmum is lifelong slimming world) which we find odd because FIL is a fantastic cook.

They're really well off, they're buying property abroad outright and have lots of money to spare, so I know it's not a budget issue because I'd totally understand it if that was the case.

We're always really polite about it obviously but by the time we're on the way home the kids are ready to eat eachother and we usually stop for expensive services food.

Last time we were there the kids were ravenous and kept asking for snacks and I could tell it really irritated them, kept saying "they must be bottomless, do they eat this much at home" they're really slim and healthy kids, they just need more than a chicken leg, a single potato and two florets of broccoli to last them 6 hours! So based on that reaction I don't feel I can really be honest with them, it'll just cause tension.

So I'm thinking about it taking a secret bag of food like a proper coward 👀

OP posts:
frostyfeb · 21/02/2023 21:25

I have a sibling that does this, amazing cook but when we get invited over it's tiny portions and usually not enough. I always end up having an argument with my DH when they come over to ours as I have to cater properly, make nice meals from scratch, pudding, and they eat so much, always have seconds. I always have snacks for my kids when we go anywhere and they often eat that when we go to my siblings house

Ivesaidenough · 21/02/2023 21:26

I always take a bag of snacks to PIL house, after the memorable Christmas when dinner was served at 10pm.

Redebs · 21/02/2023 21:28

LaLoose · 21/02/2023 18:55

If the stepmum is lifelong slimming world, is she a bit over faced when they come to stay with you? Could this be some kind of subtle message? Clutching at straws, I know…

I wondered that too.

TheFlis12345 · 21/02/2023 21:34

I wouldn’t be trying to pretend it’s fine or that your kids needing more food was a growth spurt or something unusual. And I would be subtly reminding how much everyone eats at yours.

MIL: ‘Oh are they still hungry? They must have hollow legs!’

OP: ’Well yes MIL, they’re growing teens, you’ll remember that when you were last at ours they each ate a big plate of steak, chips and veg, the same as you and FIL’.

Withnailandeye · 21/02/2023 21:35

I’d say those who are suggesting filling the kids up on bread and butter or toast are a bit simplistic- my kids would be really sad at three days of that shithousery rather than offering a balanced meal of the appropriate portion size. They’re children but they shouldn’t need to exist on bread and lurpak for a long weekend fgs. Things like this are definitely best tackled head on and I’d offer to either cook or go out one evening.

tiantian1005 · 21/02/2023 21:38

OMG I can totally relate to this!! These days if we visit my ILs we take bags and bags of snacks (no kids just for 2 of us!!!). There is also never any drinks for us so we either take our own drinks or go out to buy more drinks for us. Even for Xmas we have to take cereals home I start to feel like we are not welcome there - what kind of parents dont have enough basic food for visiting kids if they can afford it? Whenever we visit mine, anything we mention we like to eat my mum literally buy 10 boxes next day and always start to buy snacks way before our visit. I think some people are just strict with food? For the life of me i dont understand why you would do that when you have enough money.

GellerYeller · 21/02/2023 21:40

It’s lovely that you host them so generously at yours. It’s just good manners to cook nicer meals than you would have everyday for guests surely? I’m sorry your MIL wouldn’t do the same for you.
I would struggle with the Slimming World business though. Committing ‘lifelong’ to tiny portions of bland food is her prerogative but it’s not fair to expect guests, especially kids, to eat like a dieting middle aged lady for the duration of their stay.
💐

AliceMcK · 21/02/2023 21:40

I voted YABU for 1) not automatically bringing food and extra snacks for your DCs and 2) not saying anything when your DCs say they are hungry.

I absolutely take food when ever we go anywhere even if we are just going to someone’s house for lunch I will bring lots of treats, cakes, biscuits… as I know even if my DCs don’t eat what’s served or haven’t had enough there are plenty of extras they can fill up on until we pass McDonald’s on the way home. I certainly wouldn’t dream of going anywhere for a few days without bringing food, extra bread, milk some eggs, bacon, sausages and I’d saying I’d brought it to stop my kids eating them out of house and home.

tiantian1005 · 21/02/2023 21:41

For example last time we visited: Saturday brunch - we ate out just 2 of us and I didnt see any food available anyway. Saturday dinner - we bought it. Sunday breakfast - nothing, thankfully we packed snacks. Sunday lunch - SIL invited everyone over. We left after lunch so zero food consumed in their house entire visit LOL and yes we had to buy our own drinks.

Ponderingwindow · 21/02/2023 21:42

They aren’t older in the sense of waning appetites and failing memories. . The grandmother in this scenario is my age and I still have a child at home. Middle-aged yes, but not a senior citizen.

Notsure94 · 21/02/2023 21:42

I can certainly relate to this. It can be a generation thing - I know elderly relatives who pick like birds and don't want any waste so portions can be much much smaller than we'd have at home. We just have a massive breakfast before we visit and I take a tupperware with sandwiches/fruit/snacks and I have been known to pop to their Asda and grab a loaf and some cheese to make some butties whilst waiting for dinner which can be far later than we usually eat. We sometimes have a service station burger king on the way home too but tbh that's a treaty thing that actually is part of the fun for the kids although I appreciate it's not cheap.

another1bitestheduck · 21/02/2023 21:43

I can't believe your DH has such a weird relationship with his parents that they are close enough to spend days visiting but not close enough to just tell them you need more food! Do they just never have any type of mildly awkward conversation ever? I can't even imagine this being an issue with my parents, and not having said something after the first time.

ApolloandDaphne · 21/02/2023 21:47

I would take a pile of food that you know the DC like and tell them that they need a lot of food 'growing kids huh!' And you can dip into it too. Maybe offer to cook one night?

GabriellaMontez · 21/02/2023 21:48

Wtf are you taking your children home hungry instead of speaking up?!

Tell them! "Growing children eat a lot, we've brought some extras".

GellerYeller · 21/02/2023 21:49

This might be unpopular but the fact that Slimming World inspires-or is it requires?- ‘lifelong’ dedication to this extent tells you EVERYTHING you need to know about SW. IMHO.

abandonhope · 21/02/2023 21:53

They're older, their appetites have probably reduced. And they probably enjoy bland food if that's what they've gotten used to.

The MIL is in her forties! 😂

RampantIvy · 21/02/2023 21:56

another1bitestheduck · 21/02/2023 21:43

I can't believe your DH has such a weird relationship with his parents that they are close enough to spend days visiting but not close enough to just tell them you need more food! Do they just never have any type of mildly awkward conversation ever? I can't even imagine this being an issue with my parents, and not having said something after the first time.

I couldn't agree more, and this goes for everyone else who goes to stay with family who don't know how to host.
Why can't they just talk to their hosts, take extra food or just go and stay in an airbnb instead?

TicTac80 · 21/02/2023 22:08

Oh, this thread has made me smile....and remember the visits we had as a family to my (lovely, but sadly long RIP) Great-Aunt's house. She'd come to our family home many times and knew that my mum (from the ME) would put on a massive spread of food.

I always remember visiting her house and being literally starving! Supper would equal: 1 slice of bread and butter, 1 slice of ham, half a tomato and maybe 4 thin slivers of cucumber (per person). Pudding would be some apple pieces.

How did we get around it? My parents would always bring a load of food shopping up to her (so that we didn't eat her food budget - she was an elderly lady living on her own). Mum also got wise to things and would pre-make, and bring along a large English-style meals that only needed reheating. My brother and I used to save our pocket money before visits and then make an excuse to go for an after dinner walk (about 2miles to nearest corner shop) and get a load of snacks that we could hide and eat!! My parents would also pay for all of us to go out for dinner.

NB she was born in 1916 and was a nurse (then Matron), ergo used to eating very little/going a long time between eating meals, and spent a lot of years on food rations. She was awesome though, and we loved her very much. She was just completely clueless as to what "reasonable" portion sizes were, and we didn't have the heart to upset her.

Sorry, I'm completely going off on a tangent, but the memories really make me smile.

seasaltsprayismyjam · 21/02/2023 22:10

I really don't understand why your dh can't just say 'mum that's not enough'. No way I'd sit around hungry for days on end to be polite.

rowanoak · 21/02/2023 22:36

I voted YABU for putting up with this and just sitting there silently not saying anything, letting your kids go hungry just to avoid 'weird vibes' and keep the peace. Stop being a doormat. Speak up and say you need more food. If they don't like it, don't stay with them anymore. You can stay at a hotel or airbnb and get your own food. Or if they become a-holes when you speak directly to them, they are not people worth visiting or wasting time on anyway.

The very first time this happened, I would ask them for more food for my kids. If they gave me any kind of attitude or weird vibe about it, we would never stay there again. We would stay on our own so we can have our own comfort during our vacations/limited time spent together on earth as a family with young kids. There's no way I'd waste that time staying with people who gave me weird vibes about food... food is an essential part of an enjoyable family vacation! And then if they still gave me attitude for daring to stay where I wanted and eat what I wanted, etc., I'd be done with visiting them at all because I like to spend my time and my family's time with people who are pleasant and with whom we have a good, relaxing time... NOT people who give us attitude for speaking directly about our needs when it comes to what we eat.

rowanoak · 21/02/2023 22:37

I forgot to say that a lot of this is on your husband and he sounds like he has no spine if he won't tell his dad and step mom that his kids are hungry and need more food. What kind of a man is that afraid of other people that he would let his own family he created down like that??

Tophy124 · 21/02/2023 22:40

We always do a food shop when going to stay with someone. That way we can get food I know my son likes and I don’t feel rude eating food as I know we paid for it. Why can’t you do that? You’re being unreasonable for not sticking up for your DC or making sure they are eating enough. My son eats as much as he likes at other peoples homes because i know I’ve provided for him. What you do at your own home is quite irrelevant as they probably don’t care about the fancy recipes

BlueSeaWave · 21/02/2023 22:40

Get your DH to ask if they want you to stay or in a hotel as they need to offer more food or let you buy and cook food for the kids. Fuck hiding biscuits to feed them sugar for 3 days, do you seriously want to teach your kids that? Just get DH to say the kids and us need something more substantial we’re going to get a takeaway/nip to the shop.

RampantIvy · 21/02/2023 22:52

I totally agree with you @rowanoak. There are far too many doormats on this thread.

Fortunately it has never been a problem that we have encountered as both DH's and my family know how to host.

Bagofmaltesers · 21/02/2023 23:12

Take a multi pack of yogurts, a big loaf, milk, cheese, fruit, etc with you when you go. Put it on the kitchen bench or in the fridge and say that it’s for the kids to have for snacks as they are growing fast and you don’t want them to eat all the biscuits in the cupboard and none to be left for any visitors. After their (tiny) meals, ask the kids if they are full or whether they want some yogurt or fruit. Make them toast and hot chocolate for supper.