Stingy in-laws, dreading visit

[BruhWhy]

I'm going to start this off by saying we do love them and this is (mostly) tongue-in-cheek.

But they're proper stingy and I'm dreading visiting them this weekend 🙈

They live in the Midlands and us down south so we visit every 6 months or so for a couple of nights so they can spend time with the kids, we alternate and it's our turn to go to them.

When they visit I make sure I pull out all the stops to make them feel welcome and well-fed, think lovely salmon fillets, steak and extra nice recipes that I've saved for best, that sort of thing. They're always really grateful and enjoy the food a lot. We don't have loads of money but I really try to make sure we're good hosts.

When we go there we get fed TINY portions of bland, badly cooked, slimming world food (DH's stepmum is lifelong slimming world) which we find odd because FIL is a fantastic cook.

They're really well off, they're buying property abroad outright and have lots of money to spare, so I know it's not a budget issue because I'd totally understand it if that was the case.

We're always really polite about it obviously but by the time we're on the way home the kids are ready to eat eachother and we usually stop for expensive services food.

Last time we were there the kids were ravenous and kept asking for snacks and I could tell it really irritated them, kept saying "they must be bottomless, do they eat this much at home" they're really slim and healthy kids, they just need more than a chicken leg, a single potato and two florets of broccoli to last them 6 hours! So based on that reaction I don't feel I can really be honest with them, it'll just cause tension.

So I'm thinking about it taking a secret bag of food like a proper coward 👀

But she is quite happy to eat normally, and see other people eating normally outside of her own home.

Also older people eat less and also think less

first part, yes. Second part: ageist bullshit.
You are all grown ups. Don't hide snacks and make up stories: use your words. Just tell her it's not enough. She's not an idiot.

Whenever we went to visit our parents, my sister and I would lose weight. we put up with it when it was just us and our spouses, but once we added children, it had to stop. There was no convincing them that the portions were too small. We explained, but they were just incapable of scaling up the cooking. So we took over the cooking when we visited and insisted on eating some meals out.

it was never a matter of money. There was disordered eating happening.

Stop splurge at yours, take food to them.

Cook usual food at yours when they visit.

My ILs are exactly the same. I find it hard to understand because I would hate for guests to go hungry at my house. But I guess everyone’s different.

My tip is to bring biscuits / wine / other treats and say explicitly ‘we bought these to share with you’ so you can help yourselves.

They are unlikely to change their ways so plan around their tiny portions. I often have Nakd bars / nuts in my handbag too.

Have sandwiches in the car an hour or so before you get there. Take snacks, and let your in-laws see those snacks. If they query it just say you all tend to have quite good appetites, and the children become grumpy and disagreeable when they are hungry.

It may be that they are not that keen on cooking and have got used to just making do in their own home. That seems to fit in because you say they both thoroughly enjoy the lovely meals you make. I think it would be mean to serve up the same sort of meagre fare to them.

Surely you don't put put their wacko food issues above feeding your own family op?
Turn up with the equivalent £ of goodies you would usually spend on their visit. Itemised for you and dh +dc.. Then when it's your turn to host its sw all the way.. For them anyway
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It's not difficult or impolite to turn up with a bag of shopping saying " Oh these kids must have hollow legs" or whatever, is it?

I'd stop putting so much effort into their food when they visit. Normal food is fine! Better than what they're used to at home, from what you say.

And yes, bring your own food for snacks, and I wouldn't bother hiding them. If they're insulted, they'll get over it. They've already observed that the children want more food than they provide, so it shouldn't come as a surprise. By not adjusting to match their grandchildren's appetites, they've forced your hand.

In my family, grandparents tend to spoil the grandchildren with too much food, if anything. I can't understand a grandparent who would complain about how much the children eat!

Surely just talk to them? Say the DC, and you for that matter, need bigger portions at least. Offer to take a lasagne or something. Say you are all left feeling hungry.

Whatever you do, dont take secret snacks.take snacks but dont hide it away.

Why take food and take it secretly? Can you just go out, buy something and cook? Would they mind?

On a seperate note I never go to someone’s house to stay over with out taking food and drink of some sort as my contribution, I don’t ask, but take .booze, mixers, cakes, snacks, ie nuts, crisps, chocolates

so if this is your issue just front up and said brought you these treats for us to all have this trip and this load for the kids. It really shouldn’t be a big deal.

I can’t perceive why you sit there hungry like that. It’s such a simple solution.

I wouldn't be secretive about bringing extra food either. I am older than your inlaws and wouldn't treat guests like that.

I would bring extra food and if they say anything I would be politely blunt and say why.

Yes I think there is a difference though. Portions vary from house to house. Some people serve huge portions. If it’s served to you, you eat it but may well cook less at home.

OP - could you order a takeaway or eat out? Or DH offers to cook for them? And dial down your hosting when they stay so you don’t feel resentful.

We do that when we visit my parents (as my Mum is a terrible cook!) takeaway pizza, fish and chips etc. Not massively healthy but it’s not for long and avoids all this.

Some MILs (mine) think they have done their time ‘hosting and cooking’ so don’t bother anymore. Could be that she just can’t be bothered to think about serving decent food and portions.

Has your stepmum in law got any dc?
My bil and sil had no idea until they had dc. We stayed one Christmas with a toddler and they only had 2 pints of milk in the fridge! We’d taken supplies to help out but we always had so much milk I had assumed they would too.

If you do take supplies only hand over half because they may just get put in a cupboard never to be seen again!

they just need more than a chicken leg, a single potato and two florets of broccoli to last them 6 hours

how old are the kids? Honestly, I’d not say it but likely be thinking the same as your in-laws as mine would have probably eaten that and been satisfied at stages of peak intake/growth. The boys would have downed a few bowls of high protein cereal at night during spurts but that was limited to those periods, not a standard thing and they are all over 6’, not short by any means but all slim. DH and I would also be fine with that portion and we’re both fat😂.

They may not be doing this on purpose. People often eat less when their children are grown up. They often buy less food as well. When don't have children to take care of, you don't need cook and think about meal times as much. The older you get the less calories you need.

I think people forget what other people need.

They're older, their appetites have probably reduced. And they probably enjoy bland food if that's what they've gotten used to.

My parents are similar, if they don't want something they think others won't.

Personally I'd take a snack bag with crisps, nuts, fruit etc. If in laws ask, you can only be honest and say they like healthy snacks at home so we thought we'd bring them with us.

Or perhaps, at dinner, if your children have finished, ask if they're full and allow them to ask for something else. It may upset your in laws but surely they'll get over it. I'd be mortified to think my guests were constantly hungry.

Also, as others have said, if start to mirror their offerings. Just lower the standards a little to prevent your resentment.

My DH would not let them get away with that and would have said something the first time they served their snack sized meal.

Take some bread and baked beans and make your DC beans on toast, or even make some porridge.

Make sure they eat properly before you leave their house then you won't need to stop to eat.

Or if you do decide to stop go away from the motorway into a town and find a bakers.

I take food for us in a bag to eat in our room when we stay with MIL. She only eats a small meal once a day. Thinks that’s ok for growing kids and a 6ft 4 DH. We have to act like naughty kids and eat snacks in the bedroom and grab food when “shopping”

Ridiculous really, but she won’t change. Eats like a horse at other peoples houses. Disordered eating again.

I think you are wrong to take it personally and call them stingy. But you should just tell them it's not enough food (although I am an absolute coward as well so would take the bag of snacks option too!) It doesn't seem like its to do with you but rather them. You said your MIL is 'permanently on slimming world'. But then she's not then is she? Because if she actually did it it would work! It sounds to me like she's doing it a bit for show - she wants you (and herself probably) to believe that's how she eats. And she doesn't want extra food in because she knows she will eat it all and ruin the facade. It's a bit sad really, but I think it's more to do with her food hang ups.

I can understand your pain here. My il’s only have one main meal a day usually at about 4. This means they find it shocking that my kids would want food at lunchtime. I think this has just become normal for them. They also don’t offer any snacks and get annoyed if the kids are hungry. The portions (except for my husband) are also tiny. It was a nightmare when I was pregnant

Why are people suggesting junk food? What's the different between all that crap and some substantial filling food that means the children will feel satisfied with a proper meal inside them?

OP just take a bag of supermarket groceries and then your DSF can have his Slimmers World pap and you can eat something decent.

even if they ask you to put some 50p pieces into the gas meter to pay for the energy you'll use for cooking it will be worth it.

Lordy, take secret snacks or go out for your meals, and stop putting on such a spread when they come to you!

Oh for sure bring a bag of snacks/food. And just say "oh god, the kids are going through a growth spurt, they are bottomless, they would eat you out of house and home ha ha, thought we'd bring some extra bits for them so they don't eat all your food!"