Stingy in-laws, dreading visit

[BruhWhy]

I'm going to start this off by saying we do love them and this is (mostly) tongue-in-cheek.

But they're proper stingy and I'm dreading visiting them this weekend 🙈

They live in the Midlands and us down south so we visit every 6 months or so for a couple of nights so they can spend time with the kids, we alternate and it's our turn to go to them.

When they visit I make sure I pull out all the stops to make them feel welcome and well-fed, think lovely salmon fillets, steak and extra nice recipes that I've saved for best, that sort of thing. They're always really grateful and enjoy the food a lot. We don't have loads of money but I really try to make sure we're good hosts.

When we go there we get fed TINY portions of bland, badly cooked, slimming world food (DH's stepmum is lifelong slimming world) which we find odd because FIL is a fantastic cook.

They're really well off, they're buying property abroad outright and have lots of money to spare, so I know it's not a budget issue because I'd totally understand it if that was the case.

We're always really polite about it obviously but by the time we're on the way home the kids are ready to eat eachother and we usually stop for expensive services food.

Last time we were there the kids were ravenous and kept asking for snacks and I could tell it really irritated them, kept saying "they must be bottomless, do they eat this much at home" they're really slim and healthy kids, they just need more than a chicken leg, a single potato and two florets of broccoli to last them 6 hours! So based on that reaction I don't feel I can really be honest with them, it'll just cause tension.

So I'm thinking about it taking a secret bag of food like a proper coward 👀

I just can’t see the issue, it’s a couple of days. Just bring snacks for rhe kids, be open about it and laugh it off.

PIL are like this. Three six inch frozen pizzas for four teenage boys. Plus a bit of salad.
The same PIL that thought two £1 Morrisons cheesecakes and six mince pies was a satisfactory contribution to Xmas lunch for ten.
Yep. Stingy too.

Take the children shopping for crisps/nuts/chocolate etc before you go and then when you arrive tell them you have brought some treats that the children have chosen for everyone to share. Then let the kids choose which to have at appropriate times (chocolates/cake after dinner or with an afternoon cup of tea… crisps/nuts with pre-dinner drink etc).

This is so funny - my mum is a real feeder but due to age her and my dad have tiny portions. It always makes us laugh as she'll serve two roast potatoes and a couple of carrots 🤣 We always go back for seconds though and she doesn't withhold snacks, but they're always flabbergasted by how much we eat as a family 😂😂

Stop over catering at yours so much, pile up kids plates and give them the snacks. More money to have food for when you go to visit.

when you go, don’t share the food, give it to kids in the open and say they need calories at their age. Your mil may have eating issues but can relax when not at home. As in if she has it in at home she eats it. But you are on a budget so it’s not for you cater for them in their home. Also older people eat less and also think less

or get dh to ask df what is going on, because in all honesty if they want you to visit this needs sorting .

It’s a control thing from a lifelong ‘dieter’. My DM can be the same and serve pigeon portions or alternatively swings into overfeeding territory for the adult men.

Tiring.

Id take several loaves of bread and some Lurpak and at every meal present this and say the kids are growing and eating everything in sight so you are going to give them some bread too alongside their meal so they don’t ask to eat again an hour later. Stand your ground and don’t let her shame you if she tuts about it.

They can fill up on a half a loaf with each meal then make the snacks you take more protein dense than carby such as pepperoni and babybel as that will keep them full longer.

Stuck a pile of pouch yoghurts in her fridge and tell the kids to help themselves.

you just have to develop a thick skin with people like that and be a bit brazen about having extras whilst being polite and grateful for the food they do provide.

You could also suggest a lunch out one day and tell the kids to order the lasagne or something filling.

The problem with people like this is that you feel judged. We have friends that give me penis portions and it's not like you can tuck into seconds without the unspoken sniff and looks.

Definitely take food or keep the social bit shorter and feed the DC.

Also older people eat less and also think less

OP said she's late forties!

You have to tell them. Older folk just forget how much younger people eat. My MiL was going to feed 10 of us on two 8 inch frozen Pizzas and a few slices of cucumber.

My pil did this. We flew across the world to see them and first dinner for the 4 of us and them were 2 boiled potatoes and something else small. My dh let my 4-year old be served first, and she took both the potatoes. 🙂 All went quiet. Dh said ’Right, I’m ordering pizza - who’s up?’. Pil share half a packet of noodles for dinner. They are lovely, lovely people, but just don’t eat much and can never believe how much other people eat. Bring your own food!

Ugh so annoying when family don’t make any effort. I would say something lighthearted about the kids needing more food and get snacks out in front of them.

My MIL is worse tbh. I go all out when she comes over but she never gets ANYTHING in to feed us when we visit! Even though she invites us for meal times.

Then there’s lots of uming oh what can we eat, before she says ‘will we have to go out? Well where?’ in a begrudging tone. So we go out and we have to pay, even though we can’t afford meals out! I just don’t understand it. It’s like she doesn’t realise people need to eat? Ham sandwiches would be fine but she doesn’t even offer a biscuit.

Why do some people act like money grows on trees?

also, the point of visiting is to spend time WITH family. Not away from them!

I voted YABU because I would not keep it secret - I would tell them what I was doing taking snacks and why. I am a bit confused about the tiny portions - I do SW and the recipes and stuff are huge!

we have to pay

You really don’t though-that’s your choice. I certainly wouldn’t.

If she invites you there for a certain time, ask her, ‘that’s dinner time-are you happy to cook? Ask her what she’s going to do and if you can bring a pudding/bottle of wine.’

I did SW a few years ago and I don't understand either, it's very possible to eat huge portions on it. DH thinks the small portions are less of a diet thing and more of a failing to realise you need to scale up thing.

Like they buy the tiny loaves of bread for themselves as they live alone, which makes sense, but then they're absolutely baffled when the one loaf of teeny weeny bread runs out after having us there for three days.

Only on mumsnet would people suggest a grown woman hiding a bag of snacks instead of saying something along the lines of the kids normally eat bigger portions than that, can they have a bit more or maybe some toast afterwards 🙈

Just don’t go. If they have plenty of money but don’t feed your children proper food in proper portions then they don’t deserve to be grandparents. I don’t understand how you can tolerate your children being underfed.

She's a cheeky bitch. I'd start serving what they do. Make it a bland and as tiny as you can get away with. And I'd have takeaways delivered when staying with them.

@Shinyandnew1 my OH makes the arrangements with her and never says anything! The first time I was invited over lunch was meal deals he went out to buy, there’s like an unspoken rule that she isn’t expected to be hospitable?

I'd offer the kids your snacks in front of your in laws and say they usually have bigger potions at home.

😆

I don't see in laws anymore due to similar, in fact identical behaviour, including being quite willing to eat (and drink) us out of house and home when visiting us.

I doubt they’re doing it on purpose- she’ll have just forgotten how much kids (and normal people) eat. She will be used to her tiny portions.

Your DH needs to speak to them but offering to do a shop and bring food that you all like too is a good way to go about it. So hopefully they can pad the meals out a bit and you bring lots of snacks to fill up on. She may not want snacks in the house as it’s too much temptation or something. So just bring your own.

Your DH needs to address this head on!

”oooh, let’s peel more spuds than that, I’ll give you a hand now that we have hulking growing kids to fill!”

First comment about them being bottomless: “spot on. Hollow legs like every other fast growing kid their age. Don’t panic, we came prepared, look we have brought bread and cheese so that they don’t eat your sofa between meals”

Next comment “Have you forgotten what it was like feeding kids this age? They are famous for it”.

And do take gifts in the form of nice bread, nice cheese, home made flapjacks. Which MIL will shunt towards the kids as it won’t be WW compliant.

Buy a job lot of slimming world meals next time they visit