Grandfather smacked DS bottom

[ranblungs]

DS can have meltdowns/big tantrums, usually when he's very tired. More so when he's at his grandparents' house (ex's parents). They have communicated to me that they found his behaviour very difficult at one point, but it seems to have resolved now.

ExDP did live with them but moved our two weeks ago.

DS (aged 4) told me yesterday evening that grandad had smacked his bottom because he was being naughty and that it "really hurt" he got upset as he was telling me and cried. I get the impression this wasn't necessarily recent.

DS also can play up at bed time when he is there and he told me that grandad pushes him back onto the bed for being naughty at bed time.

I'm not sure what to do next?

They are huge sources of childcare, ExDP is supposed to have him two nights per week but often works away so they will have him. They also help out during the week as/when needed.

The relationship between us was once very strained when DS was tiny.

I am furious that he has hit my child. Am I overreacting as it was just a smack on the bottom?

DS can be very challenging there.

Don't spoil their fun.

Yes right any thing but a spanked botty 😂

No. That's it.

I got hit. Later on, I re-enacted it in my bedroom and hit all my teddy bears. It had just been presented to me as normal behaviour. Why on earth wouldn't I repeat it?

You don't believe I hit my teddies and there must be more to it, but you'd be absolutely fine if I had gone on to hit my children?

So, North Korea aside, sorry to harp on, but anyone, feel free to pitch in here, still wondering about a few things.

Thinking that people who hit their children, there are a few here, stop at some point, it doesn't just carry on being good for them and an effective form of communication into adulthood, so what's the best age to stop hitting your children, and why is that a good age?

Still wondering about the other family members who have a different verbal reasoning abililty, are we ok to hit granny when she's had a stroke because if it doesn't harm a two year old why not just shortcut the frustration of her trying to leave the house every ten minutes with a few sharp slaps? No? Why not?

@GoldDuster but you keep banging on with the same question, but surely, the answer is just that discipline needs change as one becomes older? Adults are not disciplined at all so that is a totally silly argument. My parents stopped smacking me at the age where I grew out of the childish behaviour necessitating it, simple as that. Once I was old enough and mature enough to be reasoned with properly it simply was no longer necessary.

Sorry for banging on! Hopefully we can put it to bed then I can stop.

I'm wondering, why does "discipline" need to change?

Isn't it odd that during the teenage years, which in a lot of families can be the most challenging of all the developmental phases and can be likened to toddlerhood in a lot of ways, as the brain goes through an almost total recalibration, that hitting a child of 14 when they're just not getting the message might be the most appropriate?

Some adults are disciplined, by their spouses, and it's called domestic violence and it's really illegal.

Once I was old enough and mature enough to be reasoned with properly it simply was no longer necessary.

So you stopped hitting your children when they got to an age where they were mostly perfectly behaved, and if not a calm chat did the trick? No other form of "discipline" was necessary from that point?

Someone made the comparison to me earlier in the thread- would it be ok if your husband smacked you lightly?
Of course there is no comparison whatsoever- one is not raising their partner from a baby to be a functioning member of society- that job has been done by their parent. A partner has no right to attempt to discipline you in any way whatsoever.
It is however your duty to discipline your child.

No @GoldDuster , it's not the same. I have just dealt with my elderly and demented MIL's demise. She was a wholly formed human, with a view of the world that she lived by, before she deteriorated into dementia. She was a nurse, and an above averagely competent woman who just lived longer than her body could manage.

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

Ok, we can leave the hitting of the adults out of it if you like. What age and why did you stop hitting your kids?

I didn't smack my children. I was smacked very occasionally as a child. After the age of about 9 I was really well behaved until I was a teenager and then it was just teenage moodiness, not bad behaviour.

@EffortlessDesmond

A wholly formed human?

I get where you're coming from with this. So small children are somehow sub human and need hitting to get them where they need to be?

And the patience we have to muster repeatedly to deal with elderly family members with dementia, and I know the patience this takes first hand, stroke victims, why can't this be afforded to the small humans, who are arguably more vulnerable?

She was a wholly formed human

Your children weren't?

Not a beating that leaves evidence

what a sinister way to explain you know you don't want evidence you're hitting a small child.

Studies, actual scientific studies show you are wrong.

Not since the age of four. It's not a power issue. DS is now 23. We are still speaking to each other. I even ask his advice sometimes!

If hitting is such a useful tool and so harmless why didn't you hit your children?

Well if it's quick and it's fast and it doesn't leave a mark, what's the harm?

Children aren't human to you?

Duh.... sometimes I despair. Do grow up please.

grow up... silly nonsense.... didn't do me any harm...

When you say this, you're not really saying anything, it's just exasperated mum whos' run out of answers.

I wish the hitters and their cheerleaders would stop going on about how they still talk to their children/parents as if that's some amazing achievement.

We know that hitters often continue to have a relationship with their children. Nobody has denied it, although people who mentioned the trauma it caused them have been discredited and insulted by the hitting squad. It takes a lot to destroy the parent/child relationship.

But that doesn't mean hitting children isn't objectively wrong, as the evidence now shows, and inexorably associated with more negative outcomes.

Any relationship that survived it did so in spite of it being a shitty technique rooted in pain and humiliation as communication methods or, more often, just a plain failure on the parent's part to control themselves.

At least in the 80s and earlier we could pretend we didn't know how bad it was, and maybe some people really did think assault was terrific parenting. Nowadays there is simply no excuse.

If hitting is such a useful tool and so harmless why didn't you hit your children?
I have already answered this; by the time I had my kids smacking was becoming very unpopular-far easier for me to work on other discipline techniques.

I haven't run out of answers... I just think you are looking for a fight.

And why were they better?

There's no fight, it's just a few questions. You don't have to answer them if it's difficult. It might be, that's fine. But huffing Silly Nonsense isn't really getting us any further down the track.