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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex says I'm not entitled to child maintenance

159 replies

daisy7895 · 21/02/2023 11:04

I'm a single mum to a 7 month old baby who I share with my very unreasonable ex. He has made my life hell since she's was born, and this is just one of the latest dramas.

I own my own home, however, due to the cost of living crisis, my rubbish maternity pay, and receiving no maintenance from my ex, my lovely parents offered to allow me and DD to temporarily move back in to their house for the duration of my maternity leave. This has made things so much easier for me as, although I'm still paying my mortgage and some other bills, I've been able to save money as I'm not paying heating/shopping bills (just want to add that I contribute to the household in other ways such as cooking, cleaning etc.)

Anyway, ex has used this situation to say that he doesn't need to pay maintenance as I'm currently living with my parents and therefore "don't need" any money. He actually said he doesn't need to pay anything! Every now and again, he will ask what she needs and will turn up with nappies and wipes and says that this is his maintenance. I've told him that this is not how maintenance works and have told him I will be putting a CMS claim in. Now I'm receiving abuse from his family calling me evil and saying I'm money grabbing.

Am I missing something here? He's making me feel like I'm unreasonable for asking him to pay for his own child!

OP posts:
OatFox · 21/02/2023 11:05

YANBU at all.

Put that CMS claim in and let them decide exactly how much you're entitled to. You are not a money grabber.

Imogensmumma · 21/02/2023 11:06

No he’s a dick and so is his family. It’s his role as a father to pay towards his child not your parents.

Continue with CMS and block his family

Comefromaway · 21/02/2023 11:06

Absolutely not. What he pays goes on his income, not your outgoings.

Coffeellama · 21/02/2023 11:07

Just put the CMS claim in, you aren’t amicable so what’s the point in not doing? Unless he has her 50/50 you are eligible.

Londono · 21/02/2023 11:07

Put the claim into CMS and let them handle it, that's what I had to do with my unreasonable ex

desperadodogface · 21/02/2023 11:07

YANBU. CMS all the way. You could be a millionaire and he'd still be required to financially support a child he helped to create

Igmum · 21/02/2023 11:07

They sound awful OP. Thank heavens for your parents. I'm not an expert and I'm sure someone will be along in a moment who knows the system but my understanding is that your circumstances are irrelevant. Babies and children cost. It doesn't matter whether you are a millionaire or destitute, he should pay for his child. Go to CMS. They will take into account the number of nights a week DC spend with him.

And many congratulations on the birth of your baby Flowers

Londono · 21/02/2023 11:08

And block his family, I went on a blocking spree after we split based on awful interactions like you describe

Viviennemary · 21/02/2023 11:08

Put in your claim. Why are you even in touch with his family. There is no need for you to be. Ignore them. Of course uou are entitled to maintenance.

vivaespanaole · 21/02/2023 11:10

Your baby is entitled to financial support from their father. How you spend that, is entirely your business. Block his family. Their opinion is irrelevant he's probably fed them a pack of lies anyway. And of course they side with their son/relative.

He and they are kicking off so you don't continue with the case. Chucking a packet of nappies at you now and again is not maintenance. Are you entitled to UC?

Ultimately if he was paying what he was supposed to be you wouldn't have even left your home. The fact that you have is no one's business but yours and your parents.

You could respond saying you are happy to reach a private arrangement. And just repeat. However given the behavior you have described he will lord it over you threaten to reduce it/withhold it every time you do something he doesn't like etc. let cms deal with it and the collection of it.

Remember to register for tax free childcare to get your help with 20% of the costs.

SpinningFloppa · 21/02/2023 11:10

I never get these posts, just contact cms. Doesn’t matter what your ex says

anotheropinion · 21/02/2023 11:11

The very fact that his family thinks they get to abuse you because of this reminds you that you're right to get away from them, and him.

Singleandproud · 21/02/2023 11:12

Just go straight through the CMS. Do you think he will be reasonable and pay whatever they say he should? It doesn't sound like it. I'd go straight for the Collect and Pay option, you have to pay an admin fee but its better than nothing and he can't stop them.

The only down side is if he stops working, works cash in hand or is self employed and cooks the books as is very common.

Either way I'd just make that a job for today, just ring CMS, get comfy for the hold music and provide them with as much info as you have.

TicketBoo23 · 21/02/2023 11:12

CMs will decide that, not him.

Your parents are very kindly supplying a roof, heating etc for your child - and his.

That's not the only thing cm is for - it's for clothing etc.

But even if that wasn't the case; if he's able to pay towards his child, he absolutely should. Whether hes been incredibly lucky enough to have his ex pils provide for his child or not.

What a disgraceful attitude.

12345onceicaughtafishalive678910 · 21/02/2023 11:12

Just put the claim in and don't engage further with his bs.

MeridianB · 21/02/2023 11:13

Don't take his word for anything! Put in a claim via CMS and let them decide.

Get ready to deal with ridiculous expectations for contact, including overnights. Be strong - focus on what is best for your young baby and don't rely on anything he tells you. If necessary, he can take you to court.

Keep notes on everything - the lack of maintenance, the manipulation, the demands, etc etc.

TicketBoo23 · 21/02/2023 11:13

Every now and again, he will ask what she needs and will turn up with nappies and wipes and says that this is his maintenance.

Pennies.

What a fucking dickhead.

Original poster
daisy7895 · 21/02/2023 11:14

SpinningFloppa · 21/02/2023 11:10

I never get these posts, just contact cms. Doesn’t matter what your ex says

Well yes, I've said in my op that I will be putting a claim in. The post was more of a rant tbh, because my ex has a way of making me feel like I'm unreasonable for asking for the most basic things

OP posts:
UdoU · 21/02/2023 11:15

Get that CMS claim in today! Do it right now!

MamaCanYouBuyMeABanana · 21/02/2023 11:15

You're money grabbing because you want your child's dad to financially contribute, but he isn't money grabbing for not wanting to pay anything towards his child?

Block him and his family, get a cheap, basic phone and give your ex the number to that, only engage when you want to, keep the phone off the rest of the time.

Contact CMS, my ex was the same and now tells everyone that I got pregnant on purpose (with 2 kids no less) just to get money. Yes, of course I had 2 kids with you to get the princely sum of £182 a month. I played the long game there 🤣 totally worth it.

UdoU · 21/02/2023 11:15

daisy7895 · 21/02/2023 11:14

Well yes, I've said in my op that I will be putting a claim in. The post was more of a rant tbh, because my ex has a way of making me feel like I'm unreasonable for asking for the most basic things

Show quote history

Absolutely fine to rant, rant away.

Dotjones · 21/02/2023 11:16

YANBU the amount he has to pay is dependent on two things, his income and how much custody he has (none it sounds like at present). Your needs or the child's needs are irrelevant.

ijustneedanamefgs · 21/02/2023 11:17

Of course he’s going to say that, he doesn’t want to give you anything. And it’s worked for 7months. Get that claim in today, your child is entitled to it. At some point you will want to move out of your parents place I assume and this can help.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 21/02/2023 11:18

Just ignore them, block their numbers if you need too and sit back and let CMS do the work Wine

SpinningFloppa · 21/02/2023 11:19

You know the law it doesn’t matter what your ex says

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