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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex says I'm not entitled to child maintenance

159 replies

daisy7895 · 21/02/2023 11:04

I'm a single mum to a 7 month old baby who I share with my very unreasonable ex. He has made my life hell since she's was born, and this is just one of the latest dramas.

I own my own home, however, due to the cost of living crisis, my rubbish maternity pay, and receiving no maintenance from my ex, my lovely parents offered to allow me and DD to temporarily move back in to their house for the duration of my maternity leave. This has made things so much easier for me as, although I'm still paying my mortgage and some other bills, I've been able to save money as I'm not paying heating/shopping bills (just want to add that I contribute to the household in other ways such as cooking, cleaning etc.)

Anyway, ex has used this situation to say that he doesn't need to pay maintenance as I'm currently living with my parents and therefore "don't need" any money. He actually said he doesn't need to pay anything! Every now and again, he will ask what she needs and will turn up with nappies and wipes and says that this is his maintenance. I've told him that this is not how maintenance works and have told him I will be putting a CMS claim in. Now I'm receiving abuse from his family calling me evil and saying I'm money grabbing.

Am I missing something here? He's making me feel like I'm unreasonable for asking him to pay for his own child!

OP posts:
Soakitup37 · 21/02/2023 11:59

You could live in a box or a castle he’d owe
own you cm.
go through cms. Block Them and tell him to do one.

Original poster
daisy7895 · 21/02/2023 11:59

Just to answer a few questions - I haven't put in the claim as since DD has been born, he has been in between jobs so it was always "I don't have the money right now but I'll pay you as soon as I do". I was trying to be understanding of his situation and was relying on him paying me when he got things sorted. But he's been in this job for a few months now and still no payment, and is now saying I don't need the money. So it's becoming clear that he just doesn't want to pay which has led to me making the decision to put the claim in.

In regards to contact with DD, he actually hasn't seen her for about a month now, and back when contact was regular, he was only seeing her once a week for a few hours.

OP posts:
AGoldenNarwhal · 21/02/2023 12:01

Claim CM.

Then tell him that it goes two ways - as far as you're concerned, he's such a bloody waste of space that he's not "entitled" to call himself a dad.

Lambchop1 · 21/02/2023 12:03

Any abuse report to the police , then it will be on record for any future custody cases in court.
he is being ridiculous, file with the CMS and let them deal with him.

Grizzledstrawberry · 21/02/2023 12:04

My ex did the same, he was pissed off when CM said he did infact have to pay, he was so insistent because of his circumstances he didn't.

But not too long after he suddenly became jobless and a carer so now he actually doesn't have to pay 🙄

MsMarch · 21/02/2023 12:05

Yup. He's a dick. Just to pre-empt the other accusations that he (and probably his family) will level at you, let me assure you that:

No, you are not a money grabbing cow if you take his money and ALSO sometimes go to the pub/get your hair done/buy a new pair of jeans/go on holiday. Also, no, you are not "spending his hard earned money" on yourself when you do these things.

No, he is not "paying" you to be a mother to his child.

No, he does not have to pay you less if you start to earn more/inherit money/the cost of living goes down.

Yes, he does have to pay more if his salary goes up.

Grizzledstrawberry · 21/02/2023 12:05

And stop been understanding, been understanding doesn't feed and clothe your child, its nothing your not entitled to so get a claim in ASAP, then you don't have to listen to his pathetic excuses.

CrinkleCutChips · 21/02/2023 12:05

Loads of them say that. He had his jollies now he can pay up. CMS all the way.

PeekAtYou · 21/02/2023 12:05

He is to pay regardless of your living arrangements. Hope the CMS catch up with him quickly.

FetaSlice · 21/02/2023 12:07

Put in a claim for child maintenance

If you don't use the money now, save it for things for the child in the future

A child doesn't live on fresh air !

It's the principle, he made half the child !

ReneBumsWombats · 21/02/2023 12:10

Put the claim in and don't engage. These things only have the power you give them.

marly24 · 21/02/2023 12:11

I'm sorry you are having this unnecessary hassle. Don't enter into any private negotiations with him. Fill in a CMS application. The only things that affect it is his income and how many nights a child spends with him. You could live in a mansion with a huge mortgage or have no mortgage - your expenses are not relevant or any of his business. Controlling men love to then to start trying to ask for lists of costs and all sorts of nonsense that they are not entitled to. For some reason they think such money is being used for ex partners to live it up! Of course in the future you will have all sorts of costs such as childcare etc, so he is spinning you a load of nonsense. I would avoid engaging with him about it. What his family think is neither here nor there. (The only future consideration will be sometimes such difficult people start asking to have more overnight access solely to reduce their maintenance costs - that's for the future... and by then perhaps you will have moved too far away for it to be relevant? The other thing they sometimes do is keep moving from employed to self employed as the first year of self employment often submits as very little income for tax purposes.) for now just fill in the forms and wait. It may take a bit of energy chasing the processes and admin until this gets sorted. I hope it sorts quickly.

MeridianB · 21/02/2023 12:13

You're being waaaay too nice and helpful. You clearly think the best of people and take them at their word. He knows this and is abusing it.

Block him and his family. Reset your thoughts about them - they do not have your or your baby's best interests at heart.

Eatentoomanyroses · 21/02/2023 12:15

You could be a millionaire and he still has to pay

Wheresthebeach · 21/02/2023 12:15

Keep copies of the abuse, but then block them all.
Go through official channels and stop making excuses for him.
They all sound a nightmare, glad your parents are helping.

Justmeandthedog1 · 21/02/2023 12:17

Don’t engage with him over, don’t engage with his family, just put in your claim.
It’s a form of intimidation isn’t it? You’ll do what I want but I’m a reasonable man, here’s a pack of nappies. Sod him.

firstmummy2019 · 21/02/2023 12:19

Even if you don't need the money now, you should still be claiming maintenance. You could even put it into a savings account for your daughter.

Crumpleton · 21/02/2023 12:20

Men need to learn if they're happy to contribute to making a baby they should darn well contribute into looking after it.

Put your claim in.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 21/02/2023 12:22

YANBU, of course, but you may need to make sure that you do spend some time living at your house, otherwise you may invalidate your house insurance and possibly mortgage conditions.

Your ex sounds like the type of person who might try to cause you trouble in this respect.

Mariposista · 21/02/2023 12:23

Definitely contact CMS. If your kid is 7 months maternity leave will be over soon and you will need money for childcare (unless your parents are going to do this full time). Get it in place before then.

ZanyMobster · 21/02/2023 12:26

My cousin had to go to CMS when her DD was about 15 as her ex had refused to increase payments even though she knew he had several promotions, he's public sector so definitely had increases. Before going to CMS she requested an extra £25 a month off him to help with so extras for their DD, he refused so she went to CMS and they awarded her an additional £150 a month.

He backtracked and said he'd pay £50 a month and have her an additional day a week (he didn't even have her the day a week he was supposed to) but my cousin told him now.

He makes the payments to her and put in the reference just 1 letter at a time. It spelt out Y O U A R E A C U N T - nice.

Anyway the point is we'd said to go via CMS from the beginning as he was not paying enough so she lost out a lot and he just was so vile about it when she finally did.

KindlyKanga · 21/02/2023 12:27

Stay polite and factual. You have contacted CMS and will leave it to them to decide.

For the family- ask them to stop contacting you and block them.

OurChristmasMiracle · 21/02/2023 12:29

The other way of looking at this is that if he was paying maintenance maybe you wouldn’t need to live with your parents.

definitely claim what you are entitled to!

3peassuit · 21/02/2023 12:29

Awful man. Hope your CMS claim goes through quickly.

viques · 21/02/2023 12:29

I think the word feckless should be used more to describe men who think babies exist on air and don’t need clothing. Perhaps there should be a website for them, a bit like the one that shames incompetent car parking. Or a Government Department, the Feckless Fathers Department , dedicated to making their lives just a little bit harder ( no passports, employers instructed to deduct a Feckless tax from wages, gym membership subscriptions tripled, tickets for sporting events, music events withheld)