Ex says I'm not entitled to child maintenance

[daisy7895]

I'm a single mum to a 7 month old baby who I share with my very unreasonable ex. He has made my life hell since she's was born, and this is just one of the latest dramas.

I own my own home, however, due to the cost of living crisis, my rubbish maternity pay, and receiving no maintenance from my ex, my lovely parents offered to allow me and DD to temporarily move back in to their house for the duration of my maternity leave. This has made things so much easier for me as, although I'm still paying my mortgage and some other bills, I've been able to save money as I'm not paying heating/shopping bills (just want to add that I contribute to the household in other ways such as cooking, cleaning etc.)

Anyway, ex has used this situation to say that he doesn't need to pay maintenance as I'm currently living with my parents and therefore "don't need" any money. He actually said he doesn't need to pay anything! Every now and again, he will ask what she needs and will turn up with nappies and wipes and says that this is his maintenance. I've told him that this is not how maintenance works and have told him I will be putting a CMS claim in. Now I'm receiving abuse from his family calling me evil and saying I'm money grabbing.

Am I missing something here? He's making me feel like I'm unreasonable for asking him to pay for his own child!

It shouldn’t be possible to father a child and not support it. The solution is vasectomy/implant for those who don’t.

Why? Why are you shifting men’s responsibility onto women? Why are you holding women to a higher standard than men?

Oh, come on. As a woman who's been sexually active since 1979, I've always been 100 percent in charge of my fertility and reproductive status. Whether a man chooses to use condoms or not, I always protected myself. And I always was 100 percent in charge of what would happen should an accidental pregnancy occur (but hint, they tend not to occur when two forms of contraception are being used correctly...) Every woman has these same prerogatives. Every single one.

I'm all for men being held accountable but also all for living in RealityWorld where we know that they aren't. "Oh, it was Bill's turn to sort out birth control but he forgot; I'm due in June. Can't be helped, I guess." Is that sort of passivity and irresponsibility preferable to taking charge? Women have the greater power, and with that comes greater responsibility.

Furthermore: Why wouldn't women hold out for the best possible father for their offspring instead of mating with any old deadbeat who comes along? It's utterly baffling. Do they not think ahead to what the social, emotional, financial, etc. ramifications will be for the 70-100 years of their offsprings' lives? Do they not care that their offspring will be entangled with a disinterested asshole and their shitty extended family for life?

It shouldn't be, but it is. Deal in reality, not "shoulds."

Women need to be aware of this and have the best interests of their prospective offspring in mind at all times, and not let their heads be turned by deadbeats and losers. Or romanticize "ooh I want to have his baybeeee..." without thinking of what said baby's life will be like for decades to come, thanks to having that loser as its sperm donor.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune I know two couples who were doubling up on protection and still had an unplanned pregnancy. It happens. Nobody is 100% in control of their own fertility unless they never have sex of any kind.

In the end it would be simple, but in between the starting point of that policy and its endpoint you'd have complete social and economic global collapse.

Well, if one can't support one's offspring, and is unwilling to terminate, maybe that's the best choice.

The point is that people should strive to bring children into the best possible environment, not just let it happen willy-nilly.

Put that csa claim in, had the same with dd father and his family. He was set an amount to pay. Log any abuse as I was advised by an officer that it could be used as evidence if we ever had to go to court

Nope. There is absolutely zero shortage of human beings on a planet teeming with 8 billion of them.

Saying we need to breed more humans because of artificial political and economic borders is absurd. A sensible approach to immigration across the globe is what's needed, along with mass incentives for population control.

My dad bullied my mum so much that she didn't put the claim in. All those years of things feeling hard and squeezed all because she let him wear her down. Definitely push and push some more with the claim.

Thankfully it's not down to him to decide who is entitled to child maintenance, put in a claim and block his family.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune I was thinking of what the consequences would be if every country in the world implemented this, not just the UK. Obviously a hypothetical scenario.

Here in the UK having only very rich women able to reproduce would leave us with labour shortages that make what we have now look like a walk in the park, not to mention that the resulting offspring, brought up in wealth, would probably not want to do any of the scut work that a society runs on.

We'd have to bring in lots of people from developing countries to do that work, and that wouldn't go down at all well with a lot of the electorate.

Lastly, if you want women to be financially independent (and I agree that they should be) then the UK really has to do something about the cost of childcare, otherwise it is just not going to happen. Women need to be able to leave relationships without needing to rely on the state or on their ex, and that means providing excellent, affordable childcare pre school, before and after school and during the school holidays. We're nowhere near achieving that.

@daisy7895 block him. You owe him nothing at all. Put your claim in and then ignore him. If he really loves her and wants to be her Dad he will take you to mediation for access and then you'll know it's worth allowing a relationship between them.

Remember a good person would be supportive and try to establish a relationship so they could coparent. This tosser just cares about himself and his trash family are the same. Don't give them an inch. Make them work for any contact YOU feel you want to give.

You only owe your DC a Father if he is going to be a good one.

You hold all the power here. Don't let him convince you otherwise.

Congratulations, I simply expect men to be held to that same standard. Don’t you?

Hi daisy!

sorrh to hear your not having a great time and you’re financially struggling. You’re not evil for expecting her dad to contribute. Imagine the grief you’d get if the shoe was on the other foot and he was raising and paying for her and you didn’t contribute, if he’s not having her for an equal amount of time and overnight then he needs to pay up, it’s that simple x

p.s, sorry for the spelling mistakes!

You don't have to be very rich. You only have to have a decent job before having children. And that applies to men and women.

@taxpayer1 define 'decent' in a country where most people need two incomes to keep their heads above water, and that isn't two full time NMW incomes? There will always be people who will not earn more than NMW. So you're basically saying they should not be allowed to have children. Seems a bit dystopian to me.

Because men can terminate a pregnancy when they want. Men can't.

Ah, now we see the true face of misogyny! Men can choose not to stick their dick in a woman. Once they've chosen to do that, they have to accept the risks. Don't want to pay for a baby? Keep that penis away from the vagina.

Ask him why the hell your parents should take over his responsibility to maintain his child, and point out that he needs to grow the fuck up.

The same applies to women. don't want a baby, keep the penis out. Not rocket science.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune actually yea, he did have a radical personality change in the past 16 months. Maybe you should research domestic abuse in pregnancy. Also, I was on contraception, but it failed.

@FartSock5000 this 🙌
Some of these comments are wild! What is wrong with people 🙈

OP, you have done the right thing. It takes 2 to tango...I hope CMS makes him pay up and as others have said, block his vile family. It is amazing how the family changes when you are no longer a couple.

Doesn't matter what sort of science it is.

both are responsible for a baby - so BOTH have to step up to the mark. OP is taking responsibility - her bumh*le of an ex isn't.