Asking him to get rid of his dog after 7 years?

[Uktousa2022]

I am moving to the USA to be with my fiance. He has a pitbull/lab who has previously bit a little yorkie, the yorkie did start the fight, however unfortunately the yorkie died because the pitbull punctured a lung after 1 bite.

I have 2 cavalier dogs. I have extreme anxiety about taking my 2 dogs over there to live with this dog that has previously bit before. My fiancé says it was a total one off, he has since been neutered and is older now, and it was the other dogs fault. I have met the dog and it does pretty much sleep all day.

I just don't know if I can live my life anxious always watching my dogs around this dog - It is a small house - I really don't know how to get over this as we are both refusing to rehome our dogs. He does have family nearby that he could probably give him too, I would be going out to the US with just my dogs.

You work from home and look after your dogs. Get your own place over there near your fiance and see how the three dogs meld.

If they don't get on then you could stay living on your own longer. You say his dog is old.

I would never have a child in the same space as a Pitball Terrier.
Once the dangerous dog dies replace him with a gentle breed.

What a mess. I could never put a pet I loved anywhere near an animal that I knew had killed before. I mean how awful would you feel if you put the dogs in a room together and one of yours was killed? What if you get mauled trying to separate them?

The maturity of a man who dismisses your very genuine fears is kind of frightening. I appreciate we’ve only heard the things that you have told us about him, but he isn’t coming across well in many of the things you have said. I wouldn’t be moving in with him if he lived on the next street, let alone giving everything up and moving to the US to see how it pans out.

Can you not date him long distance for another year or two before you make such a life altering decision?

Don't give up your whole life for a man!

I wouldn't be living with a pitbull. Ever.

There’s no of course about the child support and shared custody.
I know someone who moved to the States to get married, the relationship broke down and she ended up paying maintenance and he had full custody. She ended up in a nightmare of expensive court hearings. The difference was he had his whole family there to help him, she was on her own.
OP will no doubt counter that she has family in the States, but still, it’s potentially a legal nightmare.
There is absolutely no rush to pack up here and move into someone else’s house over there after eight weeks of knowing them. Why would you do that? It’s a massive, massive risk.

You mention your mental health several times.

What health insurance do you have lined up for living in the USA? Will it cover pre-existing conditions? What about pre-existing mental health conditions?

It is insane to live in the USA without health insurance, and if the health insurance won't cover a condition that is highly likely to cause future issues then it is even more bonkers to go there.

So he's a man who is cruel and abusive to something he loves.

This is going to go well for you and your future kids.

10000000% this! I adore dogs but bloody despise Pitbulls (& Staffies and all the other aggressive types) for this reason. It's been proven to be in their DNA to be aggressive/violent/fighters/to kill!

Ooh more frothing from dog haters. What a surprise 🙄

Strangely enough my family have owned many Staffies. All of whom were gentle and all of whom were great with the grandkids in the family from the day they were born.

What's wrong with online dating? For some of us who can’t socialise much, it's the only way I met my wonderful late husband online

@EmilyGilmoresSass I'm sure they were - many are. I'm sure many Pitbulls are! I'm talking about when provoked (inadvertently or intentionally) that's the MASSIVE difference. Even my mums adorable miniature schnauzer can snap if you try take his toy or food! The gigantic difference being HOW they snap. A Pitbull, a Staffie, a Japanese Akita - it is literally written in their DNA to have a predisposition to attack when angered. This has been PROVEN. I say again PROVEN! Hence the DDA.

@AlwaysGinPlease I do NOT hate dogs! If I saw a Pitbull or a Staffie and spoke to the owner I'd ask to stroke them all the same as I would a Schnauzer or a Cockapoo!

If anyone rehomes their dog/dogs it should be you. You admit your dog can snap which is why you're so worried. His dog is an older dog and depending on breed of pitbull could only have a year or 2 left living 8-15yrs on average depending on type. Your dogs sound incompatible. His dog can kill in a fight (yours could too tbh just not as likely) and your dog is likely to start a fight if he gets in your dogs space. If he was coming to you I would say he should rehome his dog as they aren't compatible but he isn't you're going there so you should rehome yours or not go at all.

Absolutely nothing, but when you meet someone from a different CONTINENT and have known him a mere 5 months and then decide to leave your entire life to be with him and immediately want babies…..therein lies a bloody massive problem!

This relationship has disaster all over it. If he was In the UK, I bet you wouldn't be moving in so quickly.

He also as thick S mince if he thinks his dog wouldn't attack his own child. It might. He sounds terrible.

Oh lord. I've read all of the updates. So you've only been with him (in person) for 2 weeks at a time, and that's only happened 4 times in total. So you've been in his company, for 8 weeks altogether, and now are upping sticks, leaving everything behind, moving to the other side of the world and wanting him to give up his dog for you because you are apparently giving up everything else for him.

I can't decide of you're deluded, naive, or just plain stupid.

The dogs OP are the least of your priorities at the moment. Talking about them is a distraction for you.

The main priority for you as I see it is whether to decide if you should move ,to a country you do not know, leave your job, to live with a man you do not know. A man who from what it sounds will expect you to conform to his ideas about how life should be lived. Not, how you think life should be lived.

Your brother lives in the USA but you aren't going to go and live with your brother. Do not rely on him to be able to support you if things went wrong. It might be news to him if that is in your mind.

Be careful not to have built up a fantasy about what life will be like. He constantly reassures you. But your thread is littered with words and descriptions which are concerning. How emotionally compatible are you ? You will not be emotionally mature as a couple. You haven't actually been a couple in 'real life'. And I am sorry to say FaceTime and so on is not real life. It is a small fraction of time. Not seeing someone in the round over a period of time. You both don't know each other.

What are your plans together ? Apart from having a baby.

And , as someone who has moved around even in this country be prepared for how isolating it can be. People will have conversations about places you have no connection with. They will have spent their childhoods there. Everything from the climate, the language, the names of places, the lack of connection to anywhere will have an impact on you. How people are. Some places are very friendly, some places aren't. Some rain a lot, some don't. In the USA some have very scary weather.

And money is something you must consider. He doesn't sound very well off. Nothing wrong with that. But a business running since August is not an established business. Not even one year in the running. Assume you will have no money.

People have posted OP. It is your choice. People cannot decide for you.

YABU about the dog situation and you are potentially screwing up your partners life further by moving in with him if you consider yourself to be ‘giving up your life’.

The huge red flag you’re waving makes me wonder how many times you’ll throw the “given up my life for you” card at him every time you don’t get your own way.

In any ultimatum, the person who forces another’s hand will always lose eventually.

One last thing. From everything you have said, I suspect he will want to be 'the provider'. Any notion of you working will likely be a no.

The dog discussion is a distraction.

She is unlikely to throw anything verbally in his face. She will be too submissive to do that from what we can see.

So you do all the necessary studying in introducing two new dogs to each other and you do it properly?! I don’t understand the problem other than educating yourselves, it could take months but if you do it properly there should be absolutely no issue and no need to ask anyone to give up their beloved pets. Keep them separated initially, use baby gates, crates, confine to different rooms whilst they get used to each others smells and noises, then after a week start in the same room aiming for no reaction from either set of dogs, neutral walks together etc, it will take time but it’s a massive change for them as well, they deserve the effort for what will hopefully be worth it with happy dogs all round.

@Uktousa2022 Op, let me tell you about my friend Carolyn.

She moved to the USA to marry her fiancé and start a family together. They'd been together here, for a long time whilst he was stationed here.
Everyone was over the moon for her and was confident she'd be very happy as she's been with him for 3+ years and they were still head over heels for each other.

Fast forward two years and she has a 6 month old baby in the USA with her new husband. Their marriage becomes a war zone and sadly comes to an end. Nothing she did - or him, they just weren't as compatible (after all the excitement of the move & the new baby) as they thought they were and began to get on each other's nerves, despite her also now having employment out there.
Subsequently, they had a fairly messy divorce but manage to be civil enough to co-parent. She has a green card by this point so she's legally entitled to stay in the USA....however....

Her now ex-husband is categorically refusing to allow her to leave the country with their child to do her usual visit to her family in the UK. In fact he won’t even allow her to travel out of their State to visit a friend for a weekend or to take her child on holiday to New York for Christmas!
Turns out this is perfectly acceptable and common in the US (or at least for the state they're in).

So now she's stuck. Quite literally trapped in the USA, unable to even visit the UK without having to leave her child behind, until they turn 21 (I think it's 21, it may be 18).

She's begged, pleaded, even tried coming to a legally binding agreement over it, to prove she'll bring the child back, as she just wants to visit her Mum & Dad as her Dad is very very poorly, but nope! He won’t allow it and if she ignores him and leaves anyway... Yeah, major, major shitstorm will ensue. Kidnapping charges which I believe could somehow be enforced by the US via UK police whilst she's actually in the UK and almost certainly would result in her losing her child altogether. Big trouble.

Carolyn is broken. She's not going to get chance to say goodbye to her Dad in person and her Mum is now too frail to travel long haul too, so she's highly unlikely to ever see her again either.
I'm actually really concerned about her and have been doing all the research I can to try find a way around this but there isn't one that I can tell.

Heed this warning. I realise your brother is out there and that's great but if you have any family here who you love & couldn't bear not to see again, then please realise that this could very well be you!
Even without the family aspect, if you have a child together & then unexpectedly split in the future, unless he signs away the rights to his child (that can be done in the USA, but not here), or he just doesn't care, then you're highly unlikely to be able to choose to come back to live here until your child/children are adult/s.

And please don't say "Oh he would never do that!" Or "He wouldn't ever stop me visiting my family!" as that would be naïve in the extreme! I mean, look at it from the partner's perspective, would you want to give permission to your British ex-spouse and parent of your child to travel over the ocean back to their home country for a 'visit' with your child, knowing that they could easily decide not to come back as you've given permission for them to go? I wouldn't. No matter how much I knew they missed their family! Also never, ever assume you wouldn't/couldn't split up! Even the most connected of couples can drift apart. Even marriages of 50+ years can end.
Speaking of, can you honestly see yourself with this man for the next 50/60 years? If (God forbid, of course) you became physically dependant, either temporarily or permanently, can you see him caring for you? Sponge bathing you, emptying your commode? Sitting by your bedside every chance he gets? The answer should be a resounding yes without hesitation. In sickness & in health, 'til death do us part.

I have vegetables in my freezer that have been there longer than you've known this man. Don't do it. Not yet 🙏 If he's the right man for you, he'll wait as long as it takes....

Completely agree @WilsonMilson 100%!

OP says she didn't actually meet this guy online but regardless, yes I agree this is madness.

Re: online dating, I just meant in general. I personally wouldn't date someone in another country or even someone more than 50-75 miles away at most. Nobody should have to make a massive move for a relationship (military spouses the exception of course but they're already married).

The dog situation is the least of your worries.

You’ve spent 6 weeks with this man face to face?

I think you are being very naive here.