Asking him to get rid of his dog after 7 years?

[Uktousa2022]

I am moving to the USA to be with my fiance. He has a pitbull/lab who has previously bit a little yorkie, the yorkie did start the fight, however unfortunately the yorkie died because the pitbull punctured a lung after 1 bite.

I have 2 cavalier dogs. I have extreme anxiety about taking my 2 dogs over there to live with this dog that has previously bit before. My fiancé says it was a total one off, he has since been neutered and is older now, and it was the other dogs fault. I have met the dog and it does pretty much sleep all day.

I just don't know if I can live my life anxious always watching my dogs around this dog - It is a small house - I really don't know how to get over this as we are both refusing to rehome our dogs. He does have family nearby that he could probably give him too, I would be going out to the US with just my dogs.

With your reasoning you can't walk your dogs, ever. Just because a stronger dog might bite them in the park or on the street. What you are asking of your fiance is cruel.

Same here. I have never known an aggressive staffie. Those we have had in the family gave been quite docile and I'm always meeting lovely Staffs on walk with my JRT. I don't know any pit bulls.

This in spades!!! My DP is Spanish. I moved to Spain to be with him. Spain is much closer, so not such a massive upheaval. I had known him much longer than you have this man and we’d like bed together in the U.K. It was still a difficult transition. I’ve been here 5 years now, but I still miss the U.K. a bit and also have that niggling doubt that what would I do if we broke up, because although I’ve got friends and a job here, I have my lifelong friends in the U.K. and my family are there too. You are making a really big decision in a very short space of time. Dogs aside, this is so fast. You don’t really know him.

*we’d been living together

Agree, I’m all for online dating, but not when the guy is thousands of miles away!

Sorry if others have suggested this, I don’t have time to read all replies. If you take your dogs then you will need to set up a ‘gated community’ in the house. Even if your partner’s dog had never bitten, you still would need to introduce them very gradually and keep them separate when they can’t be supervised.So if you want to give things a chance then start this way. If/when you do this, you will start to get a sense of how the 3 dogs interact and whether you can manage them. Get a behaviourist to help you. You will also get a clearer idea of which dog(s) may need to be rehomed if they are not coping.

I doubt the OP is going to come back now.

OP, I mean this kindly - but what on earth are you doing?? You must either be very very young or have self esteem issues. No one in their right mind would move their entire life to another country for a guy they met 6 months ago.
You might think you know him, but I promise you you don't. You don't know how he will handle an argument, how he will behave if you do something he doesn't like, how he treats his friends, how he treats strangers etc etc.

He's already made it quite clear that he's not willing to compromise or have adult discussions. Yet you're giving up your life in the UK to move to the unknown.

Nothing anyone says on here is going to make any difference, you've clearly made up your mind. But this will not end well. For anyone.

All this it’s the owner nonsense.

A dog with the potential to kill has no place as a pet. A dog who has killed. Nah. There are hundreds of breeds where there is no potential to kill. Get one of those.

You are totally out of order to tell him to get rid of his dog when you literally start the post with ‘the Yorkie started the fight’ because his dog wasn’t at fault it was just the bigger dog & the smaller dog sadly didn’t survive the incident!
Why would you think your dogs were at risk unless they themselves are badly behaved dogs & likely to have a go at this guys dog?
You should have your dogs meet before you decided to live together just like you would if you had children or would you expect your children to just accept this person as their new adult/parent?
There is a lot you can do to make this transition work for everyone if you really want it to but I’d call the whole thing off if someone told me to get rid of my fur family just to accommodate theirs!

I think you need to see the practicalities of the situation.

Being honest about it may save your life.

Does he have any type of education or qualifications?

What is the longest job he's ever held?

Does he live in a large city or some small podunk?

Has he ever lived somewhere on his own besides living with another woman?

What is his business?

What about you? What type of work so you do and how long have you had the job? Do you have qualifications that are valid in the US?

What's your living situation?
Own, rent, live with parents?

What about him moving where you live? Has he ever visited you?

Honestly ask and answer those questions.

Not sure if this was addressed at all… Canadian here with many friends in the US who have dogs. Mostly internet friends but many I have known for 16 +/- yrs.

I have a dog and she is my baby. Treated with endearment and absolutely loved on. Most people I know with pets are like this.

Most if not all people with pets are like this. Working farm animals are slightly different if they are meant to be livestock guardian animals as they live solely outside to guard the farm. They are still
loved on, just differently due to having a job.

Many people put their dogs in doggy day care due to working or have dog walkers if not able to go home during the day.

yes, crate training happens but it truly isn’t cruel, dogs will frequently use them as their cave and place of safety even when not placed in them. It keeps anxious dogs safe from getting into harm and homes safe from anxious dogs. Most people will place their anxious dogs in doggy day care or other plans. Ie friends, family or dog walkers.

I can not think of any one I know that treats their dog like this man. The dog needs walks, play, interaction. They need training to keep their brains active and on top of things. It’s not fair on the dog. Pit bulls especially need this. I have actively been around them and they need activity, ex revise and training to keep them from being bored and antsy. They need to be challenged.

That poor dog must be so bored it isn’t funny.

re the dog being around children. Pit bulls are not inherently bad around them but they, like any dog, need experience and training! When my kids were born we had a German shepherd/ pit bull mix. Most awesome dog. Super protective of me and our other dog which is good and bad. It can get too much as well. He was good with the kids. We also had a trainer help us set both dogs up for success when we had them. This included using a fake noisy doll to mimic a crying baby. It was a process.

A dog won’t automatically know to protect, you have to train them to know what to do. How to act, what is right/wrong. It really sounds like his poor dog has very little socialization with anybody or anything. This is very worrying.

So, he is an “Alpha” type guy. What does this mean exactly. You explained a bit but when it comes down to it, do you really know?

I thought I knew when I married my ex. We knew each other for 2 1/2 yrs however after we got married and were living together longer he did a bait and switch. He told me he thought I would become more dependent on him after marriage. Bought me “ The Care and Feeding of Husbands” book ie basically a 1950’s version of wifely duties. I didn’t read it but for shits and giggles on night shift listened to the author. She was a put make up on and have dinner on the table with the house clean for your husband for when he gets home. I was the bread earner, I wasn’t this person before we got married, why would I suddenly change due to a piece of paper?!?

I tell you this as has this been discussed or will he expect to alpha make the household? No pink chores for him? He rule the roost as he is paying?

You really haven’t known him for that long. September was just around the corner and although you have seen in person a few weeks and talk daily, it’s still not a long time to give up your life to move.

I personally would give it more time. The dog issue is just one red flag. Why the hurry after just 5 months? If you lived in the same country would it be the same time line? If not, why the rush?!?

The alpha male thing is so worrisome to me. It’s a constant battle to have female rights, to be able to have your own voice without having a battle. To be able to “win” anything without subterfuge. It will get harder and harder.

PS It’s not that typical here to have people just drop by whenever. Most make plans as well. It’s not unheard of but most people are busy with work and kids and life so what he is describing as normal just isn’t true. Most people I know just don’t have the time to socialize that much with people outside of their own insular family.

My brothers wedding in September is how we met. My brother lives over there. Not online..

You are moving to the US to marry a man you met 5 months ago?

There's absolutely no way I'd move two digs into the territory of a dog who's previously killed another dog, regardless of breed. One second of poor judgement on your dog's part and it's all over!

Also this guy sounds like a terrible owner. Why does he even have a dog if he just leaves it all day? The fact is given up on getting walks makes me think you're right, it's depressed.

The trouble with this guy is, he's not acknowledging the danger. It's not like he's saying "yeah, pit bulls are incredibly powerful AND not entirely predictable, if we had kids we'd have to be super careful." He's so arrogant he thinks the dog wouldn't dare attack his offspring! It's all very well saying what about your reactive dog, as pp have said - but if they went for a child, god forbid, at least the kid would have a fighting chance. With a pit bull, they wouldn't.

I’m out of step with most of the comments on here but I am surprised his dog hasn’t been put down if it killed another dog.

You are 100% BU. You cannot ask someone else to give up their dog just so you don’t have to give up yours and equally over the anxiety of something that may never happen.

i think you need to take a step back and think about what you are planning on doing. What do your friends and family think?

I haven’t RTFT but this is clearly about deeper stuff than the dogs. Huge alarm bells about the whole relationship with what you’ve said. 🔔 🔔 🔔

In my experience it often doesn’t work out well when the woman leaves her home, job, family and gives up everything and travels to be with her chap, who is giving up nothing, and that’s before you even factor in an issue like the one you’ve raised.

I wonder if your subconscious is trying to block this move to safeguard your best interests, and you may be projecting the concerns you’ve suppressed onto the problem with your respective dogs? What’s your instinct about this man and this relationship?

You seem fixated on the idea that he must be a great guy because he rented a house and fixed the fence. All that is nice but from what you have posted he is making it very clear that he sees the world his way and you will need to fit right in with that.

I don’t mean that he won’t move but what you are seeing as issues he is dismissing as unimportant details that will just get sorted. Fine if you are happy to live like that but your posts imply that you are not.

I think you have serious doubts and this is too big a life decision to make based on a wish to avoid the embarrassment of what people might say to your brother if you change your mind and leave your DP in the house alone or how your boss will react. The fallout will come anyway, better now than when your lives are entwined and you live away from your support network.

YABmassivelyU. Why are your dogs more important than his?

Read most of your posts here. U need to seriously rethink this. Putting your dogs on a plane is a risk in itself so many die in the hold carriage .
You've only seen him a few times...I predict you will be back in the UK within 3 months ... really think if its worth it. Good luck

How easy do you find it to put your needs first op?
I have a suspicion that you’re channelling your concern through your dogs because you have never learned to be comfortable with your own self worth.

You’re heading into a situation that is absolutely bedecked with red flags, and not registering them.

Keep your dogs safe, and give this guy a swerve. And take a look at the Freedom Programme and the Cage Metaphor because what you’re not seeing is dangerous.

Well posted @TuesdayJulyNever - link is faulty though, here's the current -

www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Thats terrible for your friend! What a horrible situation. As means of an update, I have decided to hold off a few more months before making any big decisions. He has said he doesn't go into marriage lightly, or expecting to divorce, which I understand, but explained to him its not him who would never be able to return home, then he said no one would be forcing me to stay there. He thinks life is quite simple, make a plan and stick to it etc.

I am so relieved to hear your update, OP. Best of luck. xx