To not want to commit to child's party 3 months ahead?

[MsMarch]

I'm all for planning ahead, but a new thing in the DC's school seems to be that people are putting kids parties in the diaries up to 3 months ahead. Obviously, I get it - they want to plan and know that their child's friends can come but the two most recent are both for Sundays in April and May.

And with the best will in the world, we haven't planned our family activities that far ahead. eg, MIL wants to visit after Easter but we're not exactly sure when she'll be here and now we've got two weekends in a row earmarked for children's parties.

I know, it sounds like I'm just doing a version of FOMO but it's not that. It's just that there are a lot of things that we might need to organise but that we're NOT organising this far ahead and now if I agree to the parties, everything we need to do has to be organised around them and quite honestly, I don't want to have to organise a family bloody bbq three months ahead!

If I was the type to say yes and then ditch the party nearer the time, perhaps fine. But I'm not. Once we commit, someone has to be in hospital before we will cancel!

AIBU to find this level of forward planning a bit annoying?

There are nearly 40 children in my DC's class this year so the invite for this year went out at a similar time in advance so as to avoid any clashes - the hall and the entertainer were booked and deposits paid so, if someone else invited for the same time slot, I'd be in bother. When would you expect someone in my situation to send out the invite?

They're telling you when the party will be so you can save the date if it's a close friend of your child/something your child will enjoy. My DC has been invited to some fab parties so far (soft play, farm park, football) that he's really enjoyed and I've been grateful for the notice to schedule things around them.

But then, unlike some, I don't think it's the height of rudeness to message the parent and say "Thank you very much for the invitation. It sounds fantastic but we're still sorting our schedule for then. Can I let you know in a couple of weeks or is that going to be difficult?"

When my cousin's child was <5 years old we always used to get birthday invites about 10 months in advance. Used to drive me mad! She'd just had her 3rd birthday and we already had an invite to her 4th!

That was excessive.

I don't know how I feel about 3 months... it's quite a long time, but maybe the parents have to book it that far ahead and just want to get it sorted. Could you not just say you'd like to come but won't be able to let them know for sure until nearer the time?

I don't see why it's a big problem really.

You should do whatever works best for you.

There are 104 weekend days in the year, assuming no parents work weekends.

Also assume that school holidays are out because people travel over the summer, Christmas is busy etc. Let’s say that removes around 20 weekend dates. Leaves 84 potential weekend dates.

Does any parent really think half of those free weekend dates should go to birthday parties? Are these 40 only children with no siblings? Do these children have no other relatives to visit? Weekends away? Sports fixtures?

Realistically, out of 40 invitations I’d expect 20-25 to come. Each parent should therefore do what’s best for them and their family, as should you.

I wouldn't committ to a birthday party 3 months ahead. I have no idea my plans or even work schedule that far ahead. I normally put invites out 3 weeks ahead with a RSVP date of 14 days later. No rsvp I don't book them a place. Though I once organised dc1 a birthday party in 5 days just after lockdown at a trampoline park. It was fabulous and the kids really enjoyed it.

Sorry but people like you drive me mad. You don't want to commit in case you'd rather be doing something else.

ExBIL and SIL were always like this. They wouldn't plan anything with us until the last minute when they knew they had nothing better on. It just meant all our families couldn't plan anything because we didn't know what we were doing.

The families of the birthday child don't have to wait to plan their birthday because of your MILs visit.

You can just say no if you don't want your kid to go. Lots of people plan seriously far ahead so that people keep the date/time free, that tends to be how it works. You don't rsvp yes - unless a better offer comes up nearer the time. The entire point of getting in there early is that people will know and keep it free 🙄!!!

So essentially you are happy to do kids parties if you've not got a better offer. How would you feel if people didn't want to come to your dc parties?

Just say no. Give the other parents time to ask someone else. It's your dc that miss the lovely activities. I'm usually spending £20-30 per head and restrict to 10 dc. So yes I want your rsvp. I usually book a month out but I leave
Planning quite late.

So if you have a better offer you won't go to the party? Surely if you get the party invite first and your child wants to go you say yes! Would you do it for a wedding if they sent them so far in advance?

How would you feel if people didn't want to come to your dc parties?

Erm, relieved?

You don’t want your children to have friends at the party that you’ve arranged. Fuck me, people are odd.

Agree with this.

The whole primary party scene is way overblown these days anyway. Far better to take the approach of having a few close friends as definites for a really cool thing, or having a bigger party within your budget and not worrying too much about precise numbers.

@thecatsthecats @Partyandbullshit I agree entirely about being relaxed about how many can come, etc. but just don't want to send out invites for a particular time/date that clash with someone else's in the same class and look like a bit of a dick. That's why the invite goes out early - not because I expect everyone to come.

To posters saying you’re just waiting for a better offer and that’s rude. Frankly, yes.

A child’s birthday party is just that. One party, of many years‘ parties, for many children. It’s really not a big deal, for my children or any child. There’s no human right to birthday parties. They’re not rites of passage (bar the one or two that are). They’re not even milestones or landmarks or even remembered by the child in question, for the most part. The whole thing has just become utterly ridiculous. Like weddings.

YANBU. 4 weeks notice is about the norm for full class parties here. And just because you book the venue in advance it doesn’t mean you have to send out invitations immediately 🤷🏼‍♀️ I hate my kids being booked up months in advance for 2 hours in a soft play! I also hate being flakey so wouldn’t accept then cancel. I’m annoyed for you OP.

When it's a whole class party and five out of thirty can't make it? Of course I'm relieved. What nutter actually wants the entire class there?

This Mum is a J, maybe you are more of a P

Then don’t invite the whole class! 🤣

Well you’ve got a choice haven’t you. Say yes, and accept other future plans have to work around the party. Or say no and your child misses out on the party.

Other people shouldn’t have to delay their planning (and risk eg venue being unavailable), just because you prefer to keep your options open.

”Can I let you know nearer the time” is just a pain, it causes a headache for the parent planning the party who doesn’t know how many to book for or whether they can invite others instead. I’d say this is acceptable only for people who may have something major going on around the time (like medical treatment or house move) and genuinely can’t give a clear yes or no.

Needless to say, accepting and then pulling out later is the worst option. Thankfully nobody has suggested this, I think.

If I was free and my child wanted to go if put it on the diary and go. They've given you lots of notice so you can be available. They probably didn't realize you were only go to the party if you had nothing else to do.

I'm one for planning ahead. If in your case, you may be visiting MIL, reasonable to decline now.

Agree with your view about late cancellations and/or declining when you receive something you consider a better offer.

I'd be seriously pissed off if people didn't turn up when they said they would. I would not be in the slightest bit offended if I sent an invite and was told that the other child cannot come as they need to attend a family party or a wedding or a holiday - all of which could be organised in less than three months.

I don't like to make relatively minor plans this far ahead either. 3 friends over for best friend's birthday sleepover - I'll book that in far ahead and flag if I'm worried that a wedding or holiday might come up and possibly negotiate on dates. Random party with 15 other guests at the local trampoline park - no I'd LIKE to attend, but won't be prioritising it 3 months in advance.

If "Can I let you know nearer the time?" doesn't work then all the organising parent needs to say is "No, I'm afraid I need firm numbers by X date". it's fine to ask, as long as you are prepared to be told no.

I am enjoying all the posters frothing that I'm "waiting for a better offer". I've specifically said I'm happy to commit as much as 6 weeks out because I am actually more of a forward planner myself.

It was just the 3 months that felt too extreme.

I'm also more than happy to accept that sometimes a spontaneous, but fabulous, event comes up and you have to say no because you've got a less fabulous event in the diary that you are now committed to ... such as a children's party (that actually happened last time MIL was here - MIL was a bit miffed that we couldn't all go to the fancy restaurant she wanted to take us to, but I insisted that we stick with our original plan as it would have been rude to ditch the party with less than 24 hours notice).

But I'm standing by the fact that I'm not willing to commit 3 months ahead to a trip to a trampoline park with a child my child is only vaguely friends with and 15 of their classmates, especially when I know that MIL is trying to organise travel and work so that she can come visit us and that has a whole lot of moving parts over there too.

Of course, it has also given me an incentive to sort out our bank holiday travel plans in May which we've been talking about AND to remind MIL that we need to make plans so can she please pick up the planning pace! So that's been helpful too!

Also, reading between the lines, I think there are a LOT of posters on this thread who feel the same as me about trampoline park parties - give me a farm, bowling, soft play or frankly ANYTHING else over a trampoline park!