To not want to commit to child's party 3 months ahead?

[MsMarch]

I'm all for planning ahead, but a new thing in the DC's school seems to be that people are putting kids parties in the diaries up to 3 months ahead. Obviously, I get it - they want to plan and know that their child's friends can come but the two most recent are both for Sundays in April and May.

And with the best will in the world, we haven't planned our family activities that far ahead. eg, MIL wants to visit after Easter but we're not exactly sure when she'll be here and now we've got two weekends in a row earmarked for children's parties.

I know, it sounds like I'm just doing a version of FOMO but it's not that. It's just that there are a lot of things that we might need to organise but that we're NOT organising this far ahead and now if I agree to the parties, everything we need to do has to be organised around them and quite honestly, I don't want to have to organise a family bloody bbq three months ahead!

If I was the type to say yes and then ditch the party nearer the time, perhaps fine. But I'm not. Once we commit, someone has to be in hospital before we will cancel!

AIBU to find this level of forward planning a bit annoying?

Agree with this so much! If you want to keep your time free, decline. But it’s not terribly fair on your children.

Their eyes light up when they receive a party invitation (when they are little I mean), and I like as much notice as possible so as to be able to make it happen for them.

I think there's also a thing in here about timing of birthdays. April and May can be quite challenging for peoples availability in terms of holidays-schools are off for periods and the weather is nicer so more weekends away/visits from family. Lots of which will be planned in these time scales.

I'm sure those sending the invitation aren't expecting their child's party to be prioritised over these things but equally will want to know if half the invitees have something else big booked already.

FWIW I planned my child's party ridiculously early this year because another parent in the class keeps organising stuff on my child's bday weekend every year (despite suggestions we do a joint thing, and their dcs bday is 3 weeks after mine). Normally I let it go but we are really restricted this year because of shifts so just got in there first. So it could be something like that!

Those are both bank holiday weekends - so much more likely to be away / with family for some.

I hadn't read your updates.

I still don't understand the problem.

If you are free and want to go accept. Just work other events around that knowledge. If not decline.

You've been invited, not instructed. Nobody minds if you want to prioritise something else.

God no. There is a hierarchy of social events. A wedding this far in advance, absolutely. A kids party - not so much. I might want to go away that weekend but haven't even considered booking it. We might get the opportunity to get tickets for a show. One of the DS may have a major sporting event that is not yet in the diary.

That seems to be the issue. It's not unreasonable if you consider children's parties at the top of the social hierarchy but unreasonable if you consider them nice to have but not essential. Personally, I see them as higher than a casual day out or spontaneous trip but lower than many other things.

But I don't know what we will do in July. We might go away a weekend away or go on holiday

Then don't accept the party invitation if you are not sure. I accept that an invitation now for July would be excessive, but surely you know if you are likely to be away on holiday for an invitation 2 or 3 months in advance.

That is one of the challenges for us, yes. Although, if we are here, a bank holiday means we have a lot more flexibility if MIL is also here. So pros and cons on that front for us specifically.

I’d find it annoying. Thankfully it never happened when my DC were at school. At most we might’ve got 3 weeks notice.

Why would they pull out? Just arrange MIL for another weekend. The system is if you’re free and want to go, you say yes. If you don’t want to go or have other plans, you say no. If something better comes up then tough, you arrange that for another time. It’s very ungrateful to be so slippery about arrangements when people have gone to the time and expense to arrange something for you or your kids.

Just say no then OP, and go ahead and make your plans with MIL 🤷🏼‍♀️ not hard is it?!

This is what I was about to say.

Yes, this!

Just reply and say that Sammy would love to celebrate with little Oliver but you can't be sure yet that family commitments won't come up. Offer to give a definite confirmation one month in advance but say you understand if that doesn't work for them.

I think people generally just want to communicate the date as soon as they know it, but nobody is going to plan on the basis that the whole thing will fall apart if a few people who said yes 3 months in advance then drop out with a month's notice.

Quite - or ask another school parent to take your child along to the party with theirs so you can be at the BBQ/with MIL. We live somewhere where parties are often a 20/30 minute drive so it's very common for one parent to bring along a few DC to save lots of cars going out.

3 months is way too far ahead to be sending invitations to kids parties.
A tiny minority of people will commit to the date and not plan anything else.
The rest will forget it, and may end up double booking, or just not turning up anyway because they forgot

MIL will be travelling from another country. It's not as simple as "arrange her for another weekend".

Although I'd argue it's not entirely relevant. The point is that family activities might take priority but haven't yet been finalised. I went back to check the invite though and the one received today for May does say RSVP by 5 April - which I hadn't clocked in my "WTF" moment! . And we absolutely will have firmed up MIL's visit or any other "bigger" things by then so for that one, I'm just going to hold fire for a few weeks. And actually, I'm now feeling good about it becuase it gives me something to work around but also gives me time to make other plans as needed.

This I think would be sufficient in terms of response and if you are as you say, generally good for attending then I think the parents will be OK with it. I don't think they're planning too far ahead especially with Easter and Bank Holidays in those months ruling out weekends never mind kids weekend activities and clubs in the mix. I think it let's you plan things out better.

April is 6 weeks away. If the party is during the school holidays then I understand why it's been sent extra early - ime people are not great at remembering to attend parties during the holidays and it's harder to chase up replies.

There is no shame in saying no or you'll reply 4 weeks before the party. The latter smacks of I am waiting for a better event but 🤷‍♀️

OP I think lots of people have given you some ideas for replies and I can understand both sides of this. Just a couple of things:

1. Maybe they are sounding out the date for the May one to see how many of their DC's friends are free?
2. For children whose parents don't live together, a longer timeframe can be helpful as they may need to co-ordinate around court orders etc.

Good luck anyway!

Its not even about a better offer. I may be working in three months time, I don't know.

I’d definitely let them know in advance. You can then tell everyone else you’re busy that day and work around it. Unless you don’t want to go to the party…

Then if you can’t commit, you say no. 😅

I’m the opposite and hate when people give me late notice as I’m often busy by that point and would have loved to have gone!

Yes, if I do have some reason why I can’t commit straight away I reply - privately, not in any WhatsApp group that may have been set up - to ask if it’s Ok if I get back to them in x timeframe.

But the sort of reason I mean is a holiday that isn’t quite pinned down yet, or maybe something like a wedding we don’t have the date for yet. Not “we can’t commit to something of as little importance as your child’s party in case we get a better offer”.

"I hadn't clocked in my WFT moment" 😂😂love this! Sounds way too familiar!