To not want to commit to child's party 3 months ahead?

[MsMarch]

I'm all for planning ahead, but a new thing in the DC's school seems to be that people are putting kids parties in the diaries up to 3 months ahead. Obviously, I get it - they want to plan and know that their child's friends can come but the two most recent are both for Sundays in April and May.

And with the best will in the world, we haven't planned our family activities that far ahead. eg, MIL wants to visit after Easter but we're not exactly sure when she'll be here and now we've got two weekends in a row earmarked for children's parties.

I know, it sounds like I'm just doing a version of FOMO but it's not that. It's just that there are a lot of things that we might need to organise but that we're NOT organising this far ahead and now if I agree to the parties, everything we need to do has to be organised around them and quite honestly, I don't want to have to organise a family bloody bbq three months ahead!

If I was the type to say yes and then ditch the party nearer the time, perhaps fine. But I'm not. Once we commit, someone has to be in hospital before we will cancel!

AIBU to find this level of forward planning a bit annoying?

We had a few invites for end of March parties last month (seems to be a busy month for parties!). Kids very excited.

This is what we did:

1. Checked calendar to see if we were free.
2. RSVP'd to say yes, would love to attend.
3. Wrote events on calendar.

If PIL then ask if we can get together in March, what I would do is:

1. Check calendar for free dates.
2. Let them know when we were free.
3. Ask for their availability.
4. Book in a date when we were both free.

I don't see why you're making it so difficult...

Here’s the thing, I have a December baby if I don’t book far in advance then most kids can’t come because families book Christmas events in weekend’s in December. Booking in advance worked out really well last year as we ended up having a joint party with the other December child in the class. The other parents appreciated knowing that it was X and Y’s party on the given date as they knew they could plan around it. There were of course some parents who couldn’t make it nearer the time, but that was also fine with me.

Thus

YABU It sounds like you're waiting for a better offer.

Reply truthfully rather than stressing unnecessarily.

You can also RSVP and say you hope to en there but there's a chance you'll have family over so what's the latest date you need confirm by (some activity parties have tight numbers so would be rude to occupy a space if you weren't going.)

i quite like that time frame. The parties are starting to reduce in number now my daughter is in year 2 so it really is her besties rather than everyone.

if you’re not sure about committing then you can go back and say maybe but need to confirm closer to the time and ask when they need to know for places/payment.

Don't like it when people do this. It's rude. You're just leaving them hanging while you wait for something better to come up. If you don't want to go, just let them know immediately then they can give up the party place to another child who would really appreciate being invited.

Yet I’m sure you’d be seriously pissed off if no one came to your child’s party because they’d all got better offers 😕

I’d agree, this is way too far in advance and I wouldn’t RSVP yet, I’m not going to not book a holiday or another event because of some kids birthday party!

We know a few kids with birthdays around the holidays, just before Christmas and around Easter for example. I don't really have any issue with the invitations going out a couple of months ahead of time, because these days lots of other events have to be booked that far in advance. I'm glad to know there's a party on because often if we know about it, we can book an activity for the Saturday instead of the Sunday, for example.

Ha ha loving all the people who are mortally offended at the idea that there might be such a thing as a better offer than a kid's party!

Meanwhile, back in the real world, most parents are perfectly aware that the 6th birthday of a classmate might not be treated with the same reverence as the Coronation.

For us it would depend how close the children were. If it was my DS's close friend who he saw a lot outside school we'd commit early and do everything we could not to allow anything else to clash. For a random playground classmate, no promises made until a month before if there were other still-to-be-firmed-up plans for around the same time.

I'd also accept that if it was some sort of activity that needed a firm commitment 3 months is advance we probably would have to miss out.

Then decide on a weekend or week in July you'll book a holiday and don't arrange anything else within that week?

Or say no to every invitation that is for an event in July.

Plenty of options.

Bingo.

If MIL wants to visit and you have plans then you say 'sorry MIL, that date doesn't work, let's try another date' or 'okay MIL, but little Jimmy will be at a party on the Sunday' or whatever.

It's very clear that OP prioritises her MIL having a free, open ended selection of any dates she wishes to visit over committing to plans for her child and their friends. That's fine and everyone can decide their own social hierarchy of importance, but if it's that important a month is kept totally blank to give MIL carte blanche just decline any invitation in any of the months MIL might wish to visit.

@Randomizer I only accept important invites that far ahead like weddings. Not every kids party invite.

@FlatWhiteExtraHot I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest if someone dropped out of my child's party a month or so beforehand. Of course I'd be annoyed if they dropped out at shorter notice, or just didn't turn up.

I think that there is bigger risk in no-shows when invited really far ahead as people might forget.

As is your right. So you'd just decline the invitation, job done.

... unless you want the option of attending but only if you can let the host know last minute once nothing better has come along?

That's too far in advance for me. Obviously you need to book a place but you book the party and then confirm numbers like a week before or whatever. I think it just runs the risk of it being so far in advance that people will forget and not turn up.

3 weeks ahead not 3 months was the usual for invitations when DDs were little- perhaps if they were having soft play or a venue I'd actually book it slightly before.

Any longer than that and people might forget. I think it would be reasonable to let them know nearer the time- at least they have put a much later RSVP date.

I'm with you OP. I like to forward plan but I also like a bit of freedom around my time off work. There's nothing worse than someone close to you planning something impromptu and you have to say no because you agreed to go to a neighbors BBQ 4 months ago.

To avoid this I always say can I let you know nearer to the time? If they get pissy about my answer then its just a plain no.

As we don't yet know when MIL will visit, that is hard and I would always prioritise that over a birthday party for a classmate (would be different if it was DD's best friend or whatever)
As DM and MIL I would expect to arrange visits around their plans. So, if OP accepts an invitation she would then tell MIL that that’s what they’ll be doing.

There does come an age when being able to go to a birthday party becomes really important to kids .. especially if they struggle to fit in and also if they have no difficulties at all .

Lots of party activities require advance booking and cost outlay and are often really cool activities which I personally wanted my kids to share in . We rarely declined an invite and would have worked round them .. it’s only for a few years

Yabu. Either book it in and prioritise it or dont.

Dont RSVP yes and cancel as that's not fair and dont say you'll let people know nearer the time. Unless you are happy for your kid to be left off the list next time because of your flakiness. Because if you said that to me I'd say "of course that's fine!" And you wouldn't be invited again, it's really rude to the host who has to work around you and others like you who pull the same shit.

Its especially annoying if your kid has been invited as he or she is part of a group and arent particularly close to the birthday child but has been invited so as to be included and it means actual closer relatives cant be invited instead because yours was prioritised in the numbers instead. Or the party looks sparse for the birthday child because people have hedged their bets and drop out and its cost a small fortune to boot.

Just make a decision!

Just be honest and reply saying it's a tentative yes as your DC would love to go but there's a family commitment you're waiting on dates for, so could you let them know nearer the time. Most people would be OK with that.

Block a load of weekends in the diary that say "see family", block out a load of weekends that say "see friends" then block out some "home weekends" where kids can go to party if there is one or do other local things. If a party comes up and you need to wiggle around a few weekends then fine. But declining party invites because you don't forward plan is just going to mean your child doesn't get invited to much. It's such a short period of time where you need to organise their social calendar for them.

If I sent out invites two weeks in advance then barely anyone would come!

With DC’s party last year, I had a couple of people say ‘we might have family coming over to visit, can I let you know?’ And I said as long as they told me 10 days before it was fine so I could pay the venue. At least that way I knew that they had acknowledged the invite rather than not responding.

Myself and some other parents are sorting out the late June/July birthdays, mainly because there’s always a lot of parties then because anyone with a summer holiday birthday moves it forward and 25% the class are born in July. So we are sorting out the dates to avoid clashes and doing a few joint parties.