To not want to commit to child's party 3 months ahead?

[MsMarch]

I'm all for planning ahead, but a new thing in the DC's school seems to be that people are putting kids parties in the diaries up to 3 months ahead. Obviously, I get it - they want to plan and know that their child's friends can come but the two most recent are both for Sundays in April and May.

And with the best will in the world, we haven't planned our family activities that far ahead. eg, MIL wants to visit after Easter but we're not exactly sure when she'll be here and now we've got two weekends in a row earmarked for children's parties.

I know, it sounds like I'm just doing a version of FOMO but it's not that. It's just that there are a lot of things that we might need to organise but that we're NOT organising this far ahead and now if I agree to the parties, everything we need to do has to be organised around them and quite honestly, I don't want to have to organise a family bloody bbq three months ahead!

If I was the type to say yes and then ditch the party nearer the time, perhaps fine. But I'm not. Once we commit, someone has to be in hospital before we will cancel!

AIBU to find this level of forward planning a bit annoying?

I would not say yes and plan to cancel if needed that is really unfair and defeats the purpose of the person planning ahead.

I also understand it is awkward. It is probably better to say no if you can't commit, don't feel pressured to go to them all either.

Exactly. Why do people make such drama out of it.

YABU.

This 'ohhh I can't possibly say yes, we haven't planned our activities that far in advance' is shorthand for 'I want to wait and see if anything better comes along', just own that?

If someone asks me if I'm free for something July 2nd I check my calendar and if that date is free and I want to do the thing, then that's what I'm doing in that date. Written in the calendar, job done. I don't have weird shifts so that's not a concern, and it doesn't sound like you do either, you just cba to commit to something when a thing you'd prefer to do might show up later on.

If you've agreed to someone's party then a relative wants to visit surely you just say yes but we'll be at this party on this date or no, those dates don't work? Why make life so difficult for yourself?

And why is it ridiculous to plan a barbecue a few months in advance? Surely if you want to make sure people aren't already busy you just pick a free date then let people know it's then. I genuinely can't see the harm in saying August 10th we're going to have a barbecue. People seem to struggle with the most basic of things.

Kids parties (our own and other people’s) are a priority for us. If they’re a low priority for you then being invited too early doesn’t stop you treating them as such, unless you want to do so without the inviter knowing, which they will anyway.

I agree with you Op, I would be inclined to say no to the invitation. I don't want to commit 3 months in advance to something I couldn't care less about.

Stand up to this social coercion.

Just reply "Thank you so much for inviting Bob; I'm afraid we can't commit so far in advance so have to decline. "

I send invitations about 2 weeks in advance. I've already booked the party some time before, otherwise how can you put the time and place on the invitation?

That works if you don't need to know final numbers in advance, such as a disco/bouncy castle in a village hall type of party. But some parties, such as laser tag, or similar activities, often need final numbers and payment some time in advance. I know from experience as a cub leader how difficult it can be to organise paid events, and get RSVPs from parents by the booking deadlines, so I can certainly see why some parties need invitations to be sent out 2 or 3 months in advance.

I hate planning way ahead like this. We only book holiday about 2-3 months ahead. I would hate to be one of those people busy every weekend for the next 4 months.

If someone asks me if I'm free for something July 2nd I check my calendar and if that date is free and I want to do the thing, then that's what I'm doing in that date. Written in the calendar, job done

This. It's really not difficult.

I agree for best friends. As an adult there are a couple of people who I would prioritise their parties/events and the same for my kids. But after that I would prioritise family visiting or us visiting others.

I completely understand the parents wanting to plan ahead in terms of securing the venue. And I will often discuss with parents in the class with birthdays the same weekend to see if they want to do a joint party or it clashes. But I don't send invites out until closer to the time for our parties.

If we did get invited to a party that far ahead and either child wanted to go, I'd say yes and if we ended up having a family thing come up in the interim I'd either blag a lift with another party attendee and trade pick up / drop off or I'm sure MIL / FIL / family could do without one child for two hours.

YANBU with venues 30 minutes away. That's just bad form on the parents part. If you are doing a party that isn't local, you provide transport yourself.

But I don't know what we will do in July. We might go away a weekend away or go on holiday.

Sorry I think YABU too. I like getting a lot of advance notice for parties because the DC love them and it's generally important to them to attend. It's very easy to respond one of three ways:

a) Yes we can definitely make it
b) No sorry we already have plans
c) There's a chance we will have family visiting/DC will have a match/we will be away that weekend, would it be ok if you put DC down as a maybe and we will firm up by x date?

Nothing is stopping you!

3 months is mental. The King hasn’t even sent out invitations to the coronation yet and that’s less than 3 months away 🤣

Seriously though, it would annoy me a lot. You want the birthday child to have fun, you want your kids to go to these things, but sending invitations out so far in advance is demanding a commitment before other, perfectly valid, things that don’t normally get booked so far in advance. It makes the birthday child’s parent seem like they want guests to prioritise their child over everything else. It’s just a kid’s birthday party!

I would be totally honest and say Freddie would love to come but we may have MIL that weekend so slim chance we’ll have to pull out. If we do it’s because we have no choice given her travel dates. That makes it totally clear where your priorities lie and how committed you are.

I don’t understand what on earth your problem even is here. If you’ve not booked MIL/BBQ/etc family activity in then do it at any time that’s not when the party is. What exactly is the problem?

April is 6 weeks away - not 3 months.

We are LastMinute.com people but I'd never begrudge an invitation even several months away. I just RSVP yes or no and work around it.

This. ‘MIL might want to visit’ that’s not how RSVPing works, however long before the event. Either you’re free or you’re not, and you say yes or no. Then regardless of what comes up with stick with what you agreed. I’m fed up of those ‘see nearer the time’ people, it’s selfish and just means ‘I’m waiting to see if I get a better offer or can be bothered nearer the time’. I don’t ask them again.

@Partyandbullshit - exactly this!

30 April, which is the date the first party is, and for which we received an invite 10 days ago, is not 6 weeks away.

@Cuppsoupmonster but that’s exactly why people are saying they don’t want to be invited so early! They don’t want to be rude and pull out of something they’ve accepted, but also don’t want to be boxed in by children’s parties so far in advance that they can’t make other plans.

I’ve always given children’s parties high priority in this house. Like pps I think children need to learn to socialise outside of school, and these things can be very important to children. Tbh, I appreciate as much notice as possible, so I can work other things around them.

My youngest is just turning 9 so we’re coming to the end of that phase, but have been in it since eldest was three, which is 11 years ago now!

Now eldest is a teen, I’m again having to make sure not to make too many “whole family” plans because teens need unplanned time to spend with friends etc. So you still don’t get to take all of the weekend time for your own priorities.

This. Does she not consult you on dates to see when you're free?

We do this and so do other parents. The invites are usually sent out first as save the dates though. More so there's not competing parties on the same day and you do need to book venue/entertainment well in advance (at least around here you do). RSVPs are usually chased up closer to the party - maybe 2 weeks before.

I'm also not the type to accept and then drop out, unless it's completely necessary (through illness - otherwise we just plan around things). But I wish I was sometimes.

I think if you're going to book your kids party so far in advance then a 'we've booked DC party for xx date, invites to follow' message would be fine...no rsvp expected and people can decide closer to the time. But also means people can arrange their time/not have to turn down your party because someone else arranged another on the same day.