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AIBU?

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Original poster

Soon to be ExSIL accusing me of financial abuse!

245 replies

WhatsTheGistPhysicist · 20/02/2023 02:44

DB and SIL are divorcing due to SIL having an affair and leaving for another man. The other man has since ended things as the reality of living with 3 children (SIL’s from a previous relationship) was too much for him apparently.

While this has been going on, I sold my business and planned to give my siblings a monetary gift however have been advised to wait until after my brother’s divorce otherwise it could possibly be classed as a marital asset.

SIL has since got wind of this and has been sending demanding solicitor letters wanting to know exact amounts, payment dates etc. The latest letter contains bank details so I can pay SIL “her 50% directly to expedite the process”. I have obviously ignored all letters.

Yesterday, SIL posted a long rant on FB claiming that I am being financial abusive
to her - a single mother with 3 kids to support - and that I am trying to swindle her out of what is rightly hers! So many of the comments were saying that I was being vindictive, punishing her children, forcing her and the kids into poverty, how could I sleep at night etc. She also blamed me for my DB “leaving her high and dry” as I’ve apparently poisoned him against trying to repair the relationship.

I absolutely don’t think I’m being unreasonable by ensuring she doesn’t get a single penny of my money however I’d really like some reassurance as the comments on FB were unanimous that I was wrong!

OP posts:
Isinglass20 · 21/02/2023 18:16

GiltEdge
This is correct advice. Advice on here borders on hysterical.
If SIL thinks there are reasonable grounds then her solicitor would have to reveal to OP what they think they are and at that point OP can respond. Do not get drawn into a shouting match. Their divorce is nothing to do with you. Her solicitor may think there’s some traction based on what she’s saying to him and there’s extra legal fees. So keep quiet and keep out of it.

Tessabelle74 · 21/02/2023 18:21

As she's not divorcing you, she has zero claim to your money. What a fruit loop!

Notjustabrunette · 21/02/2023 18:30

I find people who rant on Facebook have very little idea of how the world actually works. Ignore.

Pallisers · 21/02/2023 18:33

block her on facebook and don't give her another thought.

Schnooze · 21/02/2023 18:37

i like the idea of gifting the money to the other siblings in terms of it being a loan. One that you’ll never call in obviously, but that gets round sils entitlement,

Mollymoostoo · 21/02/2023 18:46

Toomanybooks22 · 20/02/2023 06:22

I agree. If it looks obvious the OP's brother is going to be in receipt of a lot of money straight after the divorce is completed that may be a factor in their financial settlement.

Show quote history

Unless you have a contractual agreement in place that states he is getting your lump sum, this is hearsay and speculation and you don't have to do anything. It's none of her business and her children are not of the marriage so not his responsibility.

OP, just ignore this and don't discuss any financial planning with your DB until after the divorce.

RaineyDaze · 21/02/2023 18:56

Your SIL is clearly on a greed power trip because she can't accept the responsibility of what she's done.

You don't have to give your siblings anything if you don't want to, it's not an entitlement, it's a gift, and as a gift, it's also your choice when you give that gift. Nothing to do with SIL at all if you don't give it yet. For all she knows, you may not even have it yet to give and if you so happen to not have the gift amount ready until after their divorce, well, that's just how it'll have to be. (Obviously not saying it is that way but might be easier to plead that you don't have it until then anyway).

At the end of the day she's being greedy and anyone slating you clearly hasn't been told the full truth of the matter. People like that will always make someone else the villain to try and take away their own accountability as if they could. People who believe her are not worth your time, and clearly don't have any real level of free thinking to accept that all at face value without knowing all the facts.

Some people just live for drama. Love your life, give your sibling a wonderful gift to treat himself once it's over with and forget SIL. As for the statements about taking away from the kids... I think remember you saying they were from a previous relationship, well, they have their parents to take care of them. Harsh, and it's hard if your brother had a good relationship with them but that still doesn't make them your family's responsibility financially.

I wish you all well.

Househusband123 · 21/02/2023 18:59

If it were me I would say I am not going to give brother anything as she is a royal pain in the arse. In the meantime I would say to brother his gift will be given to him 3 months after the decree absolut. Then it had nothing to do with her.

Justbefair · 21/02/2023 19:05

Total cf! So you've decided not to gift any after all and tgen maybe a later date you do, what can she do?

cherish123 · 21/02/2023 19:14

She has no right to this. Ignore her.

Cornishclio · 21/02/2023 19:38

You are doing a nice thing for your family but yes I would delay giving anything to the brother who is getting divorced from the grabby SIL beyond helping with particular things he may need along the way. There is no obligation on you to gift anything to your siblings so certainly there should be no expectation you are to support soon to be ex SIL and her children no matter how much you like them. Maybe help them when they are adults and she no longer has control over their assets or set up a trust or something. In the meantime gift whatever to the other siblings.

ShandaLear · 21/02/2023 19:39

You couldn’t give your brother a £100k loan for something like a hair transplant and a massive ice sculpture of Bananaman, and then she’d be liable for £50k in the divorce? Only kidding. I have no idea how these things work - that would be hilarious though 😂

FWIW, you owe her nothing and you’re doing the right thing by keeping quiet.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 21/02/2023 19:44

Of course you are In the right. Out of interest - How did she find out?

Bernardo1 · 21/02/2023 19:44

Tell her solicitor directly, not via her to fuck off! End of subject.

Missingpop · 21/02/2023 19:45

Sorry for being so crude but I’d reply saying Look love if you’d kept your legs shut & stayed faithful to my Db you wouldn’t be in this situation as for blaming me for your current financial position I’m not I’ve worked hard to get where I am & it wasn’t in the vertical position!!!

soboredtonight · 21/02/2023 19:54

Cheeky bitchery at its finest.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/02/2023 20:05

Of course she's a nutjob, but it's too bad the children were told about this. I don't believe in children knowing about adult finances, for better or worse.

krustykittens · 21/02/2023 20:11

I don't think you should feel guilty about telling your siblings about the money. They were about to make big, life changing decisions because of finances that would have impacted them negatively and you stopped that from happening. The kids would have found out eventually because little ears hear everything! Tbh, I think you exSIL would have had the same reaction even if she found about the money a year after her divorce - her sense of entitlement is staggering. I do feel sorry for her kids but only because she seems to be intent of making a mess of their lives but they are her kids so there is nothing you can do about that. Just enjoy your life and your family and don't let her take up space in your head.

Nofurme · 21/02/2023 20:27

Your soon to be ex SIL is greedy and opportunistic! You absolutely owe her nothing. Nor your siblings in fact - you are being generous.

I would however say you are no longer gifting your brother anything or delay all sibling gifts so she cannot delay the divorce and try to claim assets hidden.

But what a horrible entitled individual who should have no claim whatsoever on a gift you choose to give your brother! (but hold off on case legally she can claim)

letthemalldoone · 21/02/2023 20:27

She has a right nerve - especially as it was her betrayal of your brother that's led to the divorce in the first place!!

Ignore the skanky cow - get your ducks in row so she doesn't get a single penny.

Make sure you enjoy some of the proceeds of your hard work yourself x

Taxanimal · 21/02/2023 21:03

I have no training in law but I have been involved peripherally in a very nasty divorce case and I’m sorry to say that one party did try to bring in the other party’s financial expectations to the division of assets, so I’d say that if you’ve made it clear to your siblings that they have expectations from you then there might be a case to say that a judge might include it in a settlement? I sincerely hope that this doesn’t apply in your case but I’d say be careful, especially if you’ve put anything in writing about the gifts. Sorry and good luck.

Hawkins003 · 21/02/2023 21:06

WhatsTheGistPhysicist · 20/02/2023 02:44

DB and SIL are divorcing due to SIL having an affair and leaving for another man. The other man has since ended things as the reality of living with 3 children (SIL’s from a previous relationship) was too much for him apparently.

While this has been going on, I sold my business and planned to give my siblings a monetary gift however have been advised to wait until after my brother’s divorce otherwise it could possibly be classed as a marital asset.

SIL has since got wind of this and has been sending demanding solicitor letters wanting to know exact amounts, payment dates etc. The latest letter contains bank details so I can pay SIL “her 50% directly to expedite the process”. I have obviously ignored all letters.

Yesterday, SIL posted a long rant on FB claiming that I am being financial abusive
to her - a single mother with 3 kids to support - and that I am trying to swindle her out of what is rightly hers! So many of the comments were saying that I was being vindictive, punishing her children, forcing her and the kids into poverty, how could I sleep at night etc. She also blamed me for my DB “leaving her high and dry” as I’ve apparently poisoned him against trying to repair the relationship.

I absolutely don’t think I’m being unreasonable by ensuring she doesn’t get a single penny of my money however I’d really like some reassurance as the comments on FB were unanimous that I was wrong!

It's obviously your capital to distribute as you prefer, and legality it's correct wait to they are divorced as then it's not either of theirs.

Hawkins003 · 21/02/2023 21:09

Taxanimal · 21/02/2023 21:03

I have no training in law but I have been involved peripherally in a very nasty divorce case and I’m sorry to say that one party did try to bring in the other party’s financial expectations to the division of assets, so I’d say that if you’ve made it clear to your siblings that they have expectations from you then there might be a case to say that a judge might include it in a settlement? I sincerely hope that this doesn’t apply in your case but I’d say be careful, especially if you’ve put anything in writing about the gifts. Sorry and good luck.

But then the op could easily say I've reconsidered and doing x instead ? Would that be a possibility ?

Hawkins003 · 21/02/2023 21:13

ThisModernLove · 20/02/2023 10:16

Actually I do think yabu. Their divorce will be worked out on the basis of putting them both in an equal position- you’re then going to give him a whole load of money so he will be much better off. The right thing to do would be for him to acknowledge that and equal it out with her through the marital assets. Seems pretty wrong and shady all round.

Ok, but why do you think that considering the sil cheated to begin with ?

RaineyDaze · 21/02/2023 21:16

Taxanimal · 21/02/2023 21:03

I have no training in law but I have been involved peripherally in a very nasty divorce case and I’m sorry to say that one party did try to bring in the other party’s financial expectations to the division of assets, so I’d say that if you’ve made it clear to your siblings that they have expectations from you then there might be a case to say that a judge might include it in a settlement? I sincerely hope that this doesn’t apply in your case but I’d say be careful, especially if you’ve put anything in writing about the gifts. Sorry and good luck.

My stepfathers ex wife tried this by bringing my mum's assets into their divorce even though she was the one who had been cheating and he and my mum had only got together after they'd separated. Thankfully that was thrown out pretty quickly as she was trying to say that my mums house and finances should be considered in the settlement despite the fact this had been bought long before they'd ever known each other back when I was a kid and I was almost 30 by this point, and it was most certainly not in his name. My mum panicked because she'd had such a hard time buying her ex out who did her dirty anyway by her paying him half of what the house was worth but he still took all the expensive tools from the garage that they'd both paid for, all the models and collectibles they'd bought over the years, and all sorts so had much more than half of their assets all together so she was thankful it was thrown out when her now husbands ex wife's claim on this was thrown out.

Given that this is still OP's assets and hasn't been gifted to the brother yet means hopefully it'd be laughed out of any claim SIL would try and make on it, but hopefully by simply saying you've changed your mind pre-divorce and changing your mind again post-divorce, I can't see there being anything anyone can do about it. Here's hoping anyway cos clearly SIL is just being greedy.