Soon to be ExSIL accusing me of financial abuse!

[WhatsTheGistPhysicist]

DB and SIL are divorcing due to SIL having an affair and leaving for another man. The other man has since ended things as the reality of living with 3 children (SIL’s from a previous relationship) was too much for him apparently.

While this has been going on, I sold my business and planned to give my siblings a monetary gift however have been advised to wait until after my brother’s divorce otherwise it could possibly be classed as a marital asset.

SIL has since got wind of this and has been sending demanding solicitor letters wanting to know exact amounts, payment dates etc. The latest letter contains bank details so I can pay SIL “her 50% directly to expedite the process”. I have obviously ignored all letters.

Yesterday, SIL posted a long rant on FB claiming that I am being financial abusive
to her - a single mother with 3 kids to support - and that I am trying to swindle her out of what is rightly hers! So many of the comments were saying that I was being vindictive, punishing her children, forcing her and the kids into poverty, how could I sleep at night etc. She also blamed me for my DB “leaving her high and dry” as I’ve apparently poisoned him against trying to repair the relationship.

I absolutely don’t think I’m being unreasonable by ensuring she doesn’t get a single penny of my money however I’d really like some reassurance as the comments on FB were unanimous that I was wrong!

This.

I would post / write back to the solicitor ONCE saying that she appears to be delusional and she has no claim to your money, which belongs to you and is staying with you. Then stick to that version of events. She has made it up and any further harassment will be reported to the police.

You need to find out who the Blabbermouth is in the family who told her in the first place.

Could it possibly be your DB winding her up, causing you to suffer the fallout?

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded, I really appreciate it. The comments on FB really got to me last night as although I can’t stand SIL anymore, I do feel sorry for her children who are caught up in this so I just needed some reassurance that I’m not being unreasonable.

To answer a few questions:

1. SIL found out from my oldest DNephew. SIL bumped into him in Greggs and asked if he was feeling better about moving (at the time she left, my DS and DBIL were planning to leave London and DN was very upset about having to change schools / moving away from friends and family), he told her the move was off because the money I was giving them meant they could stay. SIL then subtly questioned him a bit further and he gave her enough information to work things out. DN is only 13 and as far as he was concerned, he was just chatting to his auntie.

1. My DB and SIL were together for 6 years and married for 4 of them so it is considered a short marriage in terms of their divorce.

1. SIL’s ex is involved with their children, he sees them every other weekend and pays maintenance.

1. Everyone knows SIL had an affair and left DB as she went ‘FB official’ with the new man, saying she was sorry to hurt my DB but she just had to grab happiness with both hands etc. That’s why most of the comments focussed on the well being of the children (instead of her) which made me feel absolutely rotten as I don’t want them to struggle, they’re really great kids.

1. DB is upset about the children and wanted to continue seeing them but she wouldn’t allow it; it’s actually one of the carrots she’s using to try and reconcile with my brother i.e. they can

be a family again.

I'd take copies of the FB rant, for my files and then block her. Keep all the solicitor letters.

Someone has blabbed, you need to speak to your siblings about not sharing plans with anyone. It may be that DB told a mutual friend, and they told her - who knows? I'd want to know how she found out. But for now, any talk of payments needs to stop. Let it be known that you are not doing it.

You'll need to wait a good period of time (years) before handing any over to your siblings. If it drags on, you may need to get a solicitor to respond to the letters to confirm that it's your money to do with as you choose and not marital assets. Depending on the sum she may drag this out hoping to wear you down, or get a higher settlement from your DB as this money is coming his way.

If your DB needs the money, get advice on structuring it as a loan.

Everyone knows SIL had an affair and left DB as she went ‘FB official’ with the new man, saying she was sorry to hurt my DB but she just had to grab happiness with both hands etc.

Like so many she's being extremely silly in spilling so much of her life on SM, but that's her choice to make and so was the affair - except now she's becoming one of those who expects others to pick up the pieces

Ignore and block

Your poor DN...looks like you're stuck giving the money to them or their move will be affected.

Ah, look, OP, you dodged the really important question asked by me and a couple of others, which is whether your brother has a stake in the business or whether you have a legal or contractual or inheritance obligation to give your siblings money when you sell it. If so, your SIL may have a genuine legal claim on the money — but you want to keep the conversation at the level of gossip on FB and Greggs.

I'm calling bullshit.

The OP can give her money away in any way she likes. It's perfectly ok for her to help one sibling (her DS, to help them stay in London) and not the other, her DB with this vile STBX wife.

If the ex-SIL's children receive support from their biological father, I can't see why a court would requite the DB to provide a second lot of maintenance. A court can award the DB some rights to see his step children without maintenance having to pass, I believe.

Whether the DB will owe the ex SIL any maintenance depends on all the circumstances of their short marriage. Has he received any legal advice on this? He needs to asap, and maybe some of the OP's money can be spent getting him a very good solicitor. The ex SIL sounds like a real piece of work.

Looks like you're one

do better, luv.

Actually I do think yabu. Their divorce will be worked out on the basis of putting them both in an equal position- you’re then going to give him a whole load of money so he will be much better off. The right thing to do would be for him to acknowledge that and equal it out with her through the marital assets. Seems pretty wrong and shady all round.

I would talk to your solicitor about this entire thing.
You need more legal advice on it.

It's not about you being right or wrong, its about what problems are emerging.

And legally, which is a real problem and which isn't a problem.

Unwind your neck it was a joke FFs

@LoekMa FWIW you're making me laugh. 😁

Cheeky cow. She's entitled to zero of your money. Ignore. Your brother is well rid.

With all respects the dc aren't your db's to support as they aren't his. The dc have parents to look after / pay for them. Imo you don't owe her or her dc anything.
I would ignore her and let her tie herself up in financial knots if she wants to.

No there is nothing more to it other than my own personal set of circumstances. There was no inheritance (my parents are very much alive) and I started my business from scratch (albeit with help from investors along the way).

I’m very happy for you that you are preparing for retirement but that’s not something I have to worry about as I won’t make it to that age. I have a life limiting illness which means I won’t see old age and is also the reason I have decided against having children.

I also didn’t dangle anything in front of my siblings and originally wanted it to be a surprise but after covid and with the current cost of living crisis, some of them were making life changing decisions based on their current financial position so I felt I had to say something so they could make informed decisions. For example, my other DB was going to have a vasectomy because he and his wife couldn’t afford another child even though they would really love another.

While I understand giving money to siblings isn’t something that would occur to you, I am very close to mine, have no children to think about, have been unlucky in the love department (been with my current partner only a year) and I’m also living with a ticking clock so hopefully that explains why it’s something that I’m doing.

@pattihews I think maybe you should go and have a nice walk or something and stop being unpleasant online? The world is much happier that way.

that said, I feel genuinely sorry for you regarding your last post. You wouldn’t even consider helping your siblings out on selling your business. Well done you for having a business and sorry your family isn’t very close.

I had a similar issue during my divorce around a potential inheritance/gift. The advice my solicitor gave was that gifts/inheritances are not guaranteed and so normally not included if they are gifted after a divorce has been completed. If they were gifted while the divorce was in process, they would be fair game. However, deliberately with-holding money until after a divorce to avoid it being shared would potentially be seen as shifty behaviour and a judge could rule on it. So personally, I think you need individual legal advice to make sure you don't fall into the latter category.

Op it's your money to do with as you please.

Equal footings on divorce is right, but that's nothing to do with you op, that's between your db and ex sil and what they have in marital assets, your gift is sod all to do with that

The more cynical posters saying there must be more to it make me really sad, that someone can't do something nice, like giving money, without there being a motive behind it. Myself and my db have 50/50 inheritance from our df, I plan to give my half to my db as he needs it more than me. No other reason than I want to see him have a home when he's older as he won't have much of a pension due to various reasons

OP, you're doing nothing wrong here. Your only fault is making your intentions common knowledge which like it or not, is what happens when a 13 year old knows about it.

Knowing that a divorce was on the horizon, the circumstances of the gifts have been badly handled.

I agree with the posters re: facebook and Greggs. Chav isn't the best word, but its below you, a successful business woman to have these discussion in this manner.

Just because you make a gift to one brother, there is no legal obligation to make an equivalent gift to the other. You don't have to do anything at all. Mouths shut from now on. A gift to brother 1 is nothing to do with brother 2 and his stbxw, legally, morally or anything else. I'm no solicitor, but there is no trust, no will, no shareholding, i.e. no claim on your money, which is yours to do with as you see fit. Just be clever about it from now on.

If your brother is in contact with the dad I'd be tempted to ask to set up a junior isa for each child with nominal amount of money for each child. Just to thumb nose at their mother

You sound like a lovely person, OP. As PP has said, you can give to one sibling and not the other, so just don’t mention anything further re gifts for your divorcing DB for now. It’s a shame she’s has to turn something lovely into this, but people show their true colours. She’s not worth your worry.

Sorry but how has she even got wind of this? You need to be more discreet about the conversations you have about your finances and the people you are disclosing personal information to as someone has clearly informed her

I would publicly drop the idea of giving him any money. Maybe buy him a gift but don’t make any big gestures until the divorce is finalised and make you tell him he’s not getting anything so he can relay that to her. If you want to give him money in the future, that’s your choice but at least wait until the dust has settled

Hehehe😋😛 thanks 💐

@WhatsTheGistPhysicist you are doing such a lovely thing for your family. This woman sounds like a complete nightmare and she is definitely the unreasonable one here. Grabby CF