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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

601 replies

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:14

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

OP posts:
laundryschmaundry · 19/02/2023 21:17

As much as they wanted to?

I am financially more comfortable than my parents but never felt I should give them money. If I had a windfall and I had no plans to share it I'd just keep it secret.

Shinyandnew1 · 19/02/2023 21:18

As much as the adult daughter wanted to. Why is the mother struggling?

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 19/02/2023 21:19

No, why should she? DD’s financial responsibility is to her own DC so, if the money is spare, she could put it away for their future.

3luckystars · 19/02/2023 21:20

Does she know about the windfall?

I would be thinking €1000.

MrsPerfect12 · 19/02/2023 21:20

No but if the mother is struggling and it's known she shouldn't be told about the money. It's rubbing it in her face.

SomeareDeluded · 19/02/2023 21:21

Why is the mother still working at 70? Of course she needs support if financially struggling.

CheeseandGherkins · 19/02/2023 21:23

I would help my mother in any way I possibly could and would never sit by and watch her struggle. She is family.

RoseslnTheHospital · 19/02/2023 21:23

It depends. If a number between 0 and 20,000 would make a significant difference to the DM in some way such as making housing more secure or paying off debts then that might be a reason to gift some of it to her.

BobbyBleu · 19/02/2023 21:24

Honestly I wouldn't expect the daughter to give anything to her mother, especially as they aren't particularly close.
Maybe the daughter wants to save it, spend it on a holiday, invest it, give some to charity, help a friend out, it's nobody's business but hers.

I'd never expect a family member to give me any of their winnings/inheritance etc even if we were close. It's their money and their choice about how to spend it. Of course I'd be very grateful if they did help me out but you can never just expect it.

fooyangcake · 19/02/2023 21:24

I don't think they should be "expected" to give the money away.

But if they wanted to then that's nice.

What does the DM expect? Does she not have a pension?

Ponoka7 · 19/02/2023 21:25

Enough to cover her heating costs until spring and help with other bills. That's subjective but the people who I know would be helped a lot by £2k. Seeing so many marriages end when people are in their 50's and the woman being dropped on her arse, I'd want savings.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 19/02/2023 21:26

It depends what struggling means. If she is having to choose between eating and heating the house struggling then it would be nice for the daughter to offer to pay some of the bills. If it's not being able to pay for a holiday this year or not buying any new clothes for a while then no I don't think the daughter needs to offer anything, the daughter may need that money herself in the future and it would make a nice rainy day fund.

MaoamAddict · 19/02/2023 21:27

None! The daughter has fiscal responsibility for her own family & mortgage

Farmageddon · 19/02/2023 21:27

BobbyBleu · 19/02/2023 21:24

Honestly I wouldn't expect the daughter to give anything to her mother, especially as they aren't particularly close.
Maybe the daughter wants to save it, spend it on a holiday, invest it, give some to charity, help a friend out, it's nobody's business but hers.

I'd never expect a family member to give me any of their winnings/inheritance etc even if we were close. It's their money and their choice about how to spend it. Of course I'd be very grateful if they did help me out but you can never just expect it.

In the OP it states that they are very close.

I would give my mother some of the money in those circumstances, maybe £5,000. I would hate to see her struggling while I spent a large windfall that I didn't need.

catandcoffee · 19/02/2023 21:27

I'd definitely give money to my Mother.

NoSquirrels · 19/02/2023 21:27

Give what you want to. I don’t think there a “right” answer to this. Depends on you and your relationships (not just DM, but DH too, I’d imagine.)

Rellywobble · 19/02/2023 21:29

I would if my children were ok financially. Why would you not?

Speakingofdinosaurs · 19/02/2023 21:33

OP said daughter and mother are very close.
I would definitely give my struggling Mother money (and did) if I was comfortable as the OP sounds.
I would give her £5000 minimum and depending on how her Mother was with money I would probably give it in two amounts several months apart.
I say that because I used to give my mother money until I found out that she was sending it off to animal charities rather than using it herself, so I then paid her bills, bought her nice food and treated her to things instead.

ImSorryThatWasJustANoise · 19/02/2023 21:33

laundryschmaundry · 19/02/2023 21:17

As much as they wanted to?

I am financially more comfortable than my parents but never felt I should give them money. If I had a windfall and I had no plans to share it I'd just keep it secret.

Do you treat them occasionally?

We are having a family holiday and my parents are helping out. We also pay for meals when we go out with our adult children.

BarbaraofSeville · 19/02/2023 21:34

SomeareDeluded · 19/02/2023 21:21

Why is the mother still working at 70? Of course she needs support if financially struggling.

This, what is DMs circumstances, housing etc?

My DM is a similar age and she's comfortable on a state pension and very small private pension.

I'd probably give my DM £5k from this money, but I'd also make sure she'd done a benefit check to make sure she's claiming everything she's entitled to. Also talk about whether downsizing is appropriate if she's in a large house that she can't afford to run.

YoBeaches · 19/02/2023 21:39

I would theink if they are close then the daughter would want to give something. The 'how much' depends on the mums exact situation and how she is able to support herself.

I'd have no issue giving my mum the whole lot to be honest, is that's what she needed to be comfortable and not worried about money in her retirement.

xprincessxjanetx · 19/02/2023 21:40

In the past I would have said yes, but having a DM (who I love dearly) with severe gambling addiction I would say absolutely no way.

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 21:40

It's so dependent isn't it.
My beloved dm isn't with us anymore and I wish I could have done more for her when she was alive.

I would give as much as I could.
It sounds like it would be an a mazing bonus for her.

20 grand is a lot and I would probably ring fence 5 or 6 grand for her.

Maybe giving 4 now and 2 at another stage?

Shinyandnew1 · 19/02/2023 21:44

This is one of those ‘long as a piece of string’ questions , OP!

Why is the mum struggling for money? Is it due to gambling/boozing or some other addiction that will mean the money won’t go on food/bills?
Does the mum know about the extra money?
What plans did the daughter have for the money? If it was me, when it came, if I didn’t need it, I would want to stash £10k each in savings accounts for my kids. If they are very close though, I’m presuming they know the reason the mum is struggling?

BobbyBleu · 19/02/2023 21:44

Oooops @Farmageddon I misread the post! Post migraine confusion to blame....

If they are close that changes things, I still wouldn't expect someone to have to give money to their mother, but personally I would if I knew my mum was struggling. Even if I could spare £500 to help her out with some bills, etc..