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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

601 replies

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:14

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

OP posts:
huji · 19/02/2023 22:12

I believe in pay it forward. As in, she should be putting money aside for the kids, not giving it to DM. The kids may not always have everything they need. I think she was nice to give you a treat of £500.

MichelleScarn · 19/02/2023 22:13

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:03

DGC have everything they could want and more. I can't downsize

Are you in a 1 bed/studio type flat so can't go smaller/cheaper area? Or are there other reasons can't do so?

SheilaWilcox · 19/02/2023 22:13

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:08

I will get flamed for this but I thought at least £5000 maybe £10000 as the money won't make much difference to them and they never had it before and were fine when I've told them for ages I'm worried about money

You will get flamed. That's a big % to expect.
What were your plans for retirement if they hadn't got this windfall?

RoseslnTheHospital · 19/02/2023 22:13

25 to 50% is quite a lot to have expected, although lovely if offered.

Do you know why your DD's DH is pressuring her not to give you more than she did?

I think in your and your DDs situation I would have wanted to give you more than £500, probably more like £2,000 or so.

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 22:13

Ok thanks for that.

Well obviously we don't know your personal circumstances or how good the relationship really is.

However I think 5 grand is the amount many of us came too on your thread. I think you could do a lot with that.

It's a really tough situation and unfortunately I think for the sake of the relationship you will just have to get over this hurt. I have two dc and one is naturally generous the other is not.

I can't see her even buying us gifts when older or bothering with us at all.

The other one I'm sure would be generous.

I hope I'm able to be genorous with my adult dc also and my gc.

You just have to remind yourself their money is going into the house and not in a trip to Disney!!

That could be hard to watch but 500 is also better than nothing for you. Some posters here would have given..... Zilch

Harrysutton · 19/02/2023 22:13

Why do you think your dd should give you half of the money? Can you sell your property to release some equity?

they may look to be doing well but you admit they have a large mortgage. Of course they want to chip away at it. That is sensible.

Lemons1571 · 19/02/2023 22:14

I would never give more than the annual tax limit of £3k gifting. PITA otherwise.

BarbaraofSeville · 19/02/2023 22:14

OP do you get a full state pension? Any private pension? Have you seen if you're entitled to pension credit?

You say you can't downsize, what sort of property do you live in?

gogohmm · 19/02/2023 22:14

Nothing to be honest. Perhaps dinner out or even a short break away but wouldn't think to hand parents cash. By 70 most people are living off pensions, but there's plenty of retail or hospitality jobs if the dm needs a bit extra

MichelleScarn · 19/02/2023 22:14

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:02

No other big issues no. Not that I know of anyway. No history of financial support. They say they need to pay off their mortgage debt because their mortgage is going to be up for renewal later this year so they're using it to do that but I think it's a bit upsetting because they weren't going to struggle to pay the new mortgage as it was

At this opionion and your post wanting half or quarter of the money I think you now sound very grabby and entitled.
You don't know what lies ahead for them. What would you do with £10k?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/02/2023 22:15

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:08

I will get flamed for this but I thought at least £5000 maybe £10000 as the money won't make much difference to them and they never had it before and were fine when I've told them for ages I'm worried about money

I'm not going to flame you OP, but why not expect all of it?
After all they've not had it before and were okay ...

Personally I'd just be thrilled for my DC if they got a windfall; I can't imagine hoping they'd hand me half of it or more, but it wouldn't be appropriate to comment further without knowing how you handle your own money

Lewiscapaldiscat · 19/02/2023 22:15

Grabby much? They have a mortgage so aren’t exactly swimming in it.
how do you know how comfortable they are?
you sound very ungrateful.
why haven’t you got money to live off of?
do you not get a pension? A private pension? If you know how comfortable they are do they know how poor you are - perhaps you could list your outgoings MN love to help with that!
are you claiming all you are entitled to? (Other than your daughters money / which you are definitely not entitled to!)

BraveGoldie · 19/02/2023 22:16

Why can't you downsize?
I'm sorry but you sound like one of those people who is always the victim of everything. You've been given a gift and still you're the victim because it's not enough of a gift....

ElliF · 19/02/2023 22:16

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:58

I suppose I feel hurt because of I had it I would have given them much more

It seems like you feel entitled.
We are not entitled to anything from your children.
If we do our jobs well we retain their love and earn a little respect.
So long as they are safe and happy, you should not care what they do with their money, least of all expect some of it, or sit and judge them.

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 22:16

I hope posters remember we don't know ops situation and be kind.

Op I hope you are wearing your hard had because you know how vicious people can be on here with a whiff of grabby entitlement in the air.

monitor1 · 19/02/2023 22:17

@StereoTie why haven't you worked since the pandemic? what is stopping you working part-time now ?

bananaboats · 19/02/2023 22:17

I think your expectations are way too high. I would much rather the money went to the children. In this circumstance my own DM wouldn't dream of expecting anything.

Hellybelly84 · 19/02/2023 22:17

If it was say a lottery win of that amount (for example), I would ask DM if there are some bills you could help her with and treat her to something nice. But you haven’t just won a million and 20k would go instantly if you decided to do up a few rooms (kitchen/bathroom) or replace the car. So if I was the DM, I would not be expecting much from that amount.

PropertyGeek525 · 19/02/2023 22:17

YABU

Cherrysoup · 19/02/2023 22:17

£500 doesn’t seem much but she doesn’t need to give you anything. Is it her money or theirs?

Original poster
StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:17

son in law because he has a bad relationship with his parents I think doesn't think children should give anything to parents he thinks the relationship should be one sided and just parents giving to children - that's my impression based on what he's said about a couple of things.

I think my daughter would probably want to give me more money but he makes it hard for her. Yes I have a roof over my head and I have the basics but they have a lot more than I do and I don't have a partner helping me

OP posts:
mightymam · 19/02/2023 22:18

If that was my mum and I was as financially healthy as you describe your daughter to be, I'd have given you £5K.

GnomeDePlume · 19/02/2023 22:18

This is why I tell my DM very little about our finances.

whynotwhatknot · 19/02/2023 22:19

you still havent addressed how you know whose money it is and what the new mortgage rate will be

timesogin · 19/02/2023 22:19

I wouldn't expect it as such. But if it were me and my mum in that situation I would give her as much as she needed.