How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

[StereoTie]

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

My DH had a windfall a few years ago and used a bit to fix some things around MILs house. She was a single mother and has been on a fixed income for 30 years so definitely deserves it.

Having said that, she has no mortgage and her spending habits are completely bonkers. The house is flooded to ceiling full of absolute junk that she doesn't need or use. He often says that he will never give her money because she will waste it on rubbish, and he won't buy her gifts because she has too much stuff as it is. He takes her out instead if it's Christmas or her birthday etc.

I think she's quite infantilised by never having had to work or pay a mortgage since her children were born, all money has been disposable really. She never has anything over for a rainy day, for example my DH and his sister often pay for her to go on holiday with us because she wouldn't have the money to otherwise.

Why do you keep trying to engage me in this conversation? No, you were proved to be q silly. I have lived all over the world. I wasn’t basing my point solely on living in NI, I said that previously. You seem to have taken real personal offence to my comments. It’s really quite weird.

Probably because she's been slated so much and she doesn't want to invite any further opprobrium....

I'm appalled at how many think that pensioners are on the financial pig's back... who wants to work all their lives then have a miserable retirement because you have so little money?!

Doesn't entitle her to money she has zero claim on when those who have the money need it.

It’s worth realising that the current working generations will have little or no retirement most likely.
The current retired generation are better off than most will ever be

£500 is pitiful from a windfall of £20,000 - financially comfortable or not.

We're struggling so bad right now, but if I came into £20,000, the first thing I'd do is help my mother. She's my mother...

And if my 'dh' said I couldn't, I'd tell him to get to fuck. But he wouldn't, because he's not a tight horrible bastard.

I should add, it does depend on your relationship (not rtft). I'd help my mother out significantly for example. My father, I'd probably help with £500-£1000. For two reasons:

1. he has a partner, my mother is alone
2. our relationship is strained, because of his own actions.

Think about your true relationship with her OP, there must be a reason for this.

Exactly. She hasn't even said if she's worked or not, many older women didn't. My MIL hasn't worked in 45+ years but is definitely better off than us on paper. Not an option most of us has these days.

OP if you're struggling with bills your DD throwing a random sum of money at you won't help. They might have high salaries in your opinion but they most certainly also have higher outgoings. Also, the more money you get the less there will be for your DGC, would you be happy with that?

How is it the fault of previous generations whose youth was spent in conditions that no child in the UK now will thankfully have to endure - outdoor toilet, no bathroom for example - that people of my age will have less in retirement from the state? The fault is at the feet of government mismanagement and the wholesale abandonment of the ideal of the welfare state, to provide for those who need it when they need it. Amongst other things that means not demeaning the state pension - which every worker has paid in to from the time they start earning money - to ruining the NHS via privatisation to line their own pockets.

A - are you able to work op?.what prevents you from working more?

B - where was the windfall from?

The woman is 70 not 90. The same age as my DM. Never had to worry about unaffordable housing, never really 'had' to work and we're a working class northern family. You could buy a family house on a manual workers salary or get a council house if you needed or one then buy it for buttons after a few years.

Mums did a few hours a week to pay for extras and have a bit of a social life. Even when we all left home she's never worked more than 25 hours a week and got her pension earlier than people a few years younger. People that age are the 'golden generation' largely Insulated from struggles faced by both older and younger people.

Owns her house outright and has the state pension, and some of my dad's pension and gets all the fuel top up. Or there's pension credit. Or like a PP says about a woman bringing in an extra £500 pm doing a few hours a week in a supermarket.

These are not poor people and the fact that the OP hasn't elaborated on her situation reinforces that because she's far from struggling unless she's bad at budgeting or has champagne tastes on a prosecco budget . And if that's the case why should her DD give her half her windfall instead of reduce her rapidly increasing mortgage and save for her DCs future?

@StereoTie you might have missed the question, but is there anything stopping you from getting a part time job?

@PotatoScollop · Yesterday 22:04
£500 is pitiful from a windfall of £20,000 - financially comfortable or not.
We're struggling so bad right now, but if I came into £20,000, the first thing I'd do is help my mother. She's my mother...
And if my 'dh' said I couldn't, I'd tell him to get to fuck. But he wouldn't, because he's not a tight horrible bastard.

Well said !

Couldn't agree more!!

I expected it to be far bolder, but the rainbows are just straps, not the whole bag. I was imagining something like this:-

Lol wrong thread makes that even better I like to think :)

Not really.The money isnt the daughters to give away.

In the original post, the OP said that the daughter had a windfall. It's her money, nobody else's! My premium bond winnings are mine, not DH's or anyone else's.

It would depend on how their family finances are organised. If it’s ‘one pot’ and her DH shares all windfalls etc with her then it’s usually respectful to agree on how a windfall is spent.
We have one pot as my income has reduced significantly recently due to caring responsibilities for our disabled child. DH’s bonus, dividends etc go into that pot and are shared. So if I won £20k on the lottery for example it would be a bit shitty of me to keep it to myself (or give it away without his agreement).

That isn’t how it works in our household. We pool everything and agree on all major expenditures.

So if you had a large mortgage and two children, the first person you would help is your mother who is mortgage free.

And you'd tell your DH to'get to fuck'.

Well, your priorities are clear, I'll say that for you.

Agree with this. The daughter has large expenses (mortgage, 2 children to bring up etc) with other large expenses potentially still to come (putting children through university etc). They’re doing ok now, but anything could happen and it makes sense to future proof themselves as much as they can while they’ve got the chance. The OP has no mortgage and isn’t responsible for anyone financially except herself.

@OldFan

That is a wonderful diagram and I would like to give you full marks and a , even though - or maybe even 'because' - it is in completely the wrong thread

@BarbaraofSeville all this. It must be lovely being shielded from the realities of life e.g. only doing 25 hours a week, cheap housing, free university etc. I also think OP isn’t coming back as she won’t want the challenging after revealing part time work, really “cannot” downsize when lives in a 3 bed on her own etc

Which just shows <MASSIVE surprise> that everyone, and their arrangements, are different.