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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

601 replies

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:14

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/02/2023 22:19

What were your plans for retirement if they hadn't got this windfall?

Another reasonable question ...

MichelleScarn · 19/02/2023 22:20

Are they both working? Of course they'll have a lot more than you.
What is your income?
What are your outgoings?

Original poster
StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:20

I don't know the new rate on their mortgage my daughter just told me it was going up and they wanted to pay off as much as they could on the lower rate. So I know it's going up but not by how much.

OP posts:
gogohmm · 19/02/2023 22:20

@StereoTie

But your sil's experience is the norm. I've treated my parents but wouldn't give them money, they can downsize or equity release if they need money to be honest, I don't expect their money when they die, it's theirs to spend now

highlyrecommendit · 19/02/2023 22:21

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:17

son in law because he has a bad relationship with his parents I think doesn't think children should give anything to parents he thinks the relationship should be one sided and just parents giving to children - that's my impression based on what he's said about a couple of things.

I think my daughter would probably want to give me more money but he makes it hard for her. Yes I have a roof over my head and I have the basics but they have a lot more than I do and I don't have a partner helping me

I can't believe I'm reading this. They have much more than you do? That doesn't mean that they should have to give you their money. It's not their fault you are struggling. It's not their responsibility to fix that problem for you either.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/02/2023 22:21

My whole family, parents grandparents etc. think money flows one way. From oldest to youngest. Even my grandfather, who was very poor and a careful man, would never have taken anything from mum and dad. And he'd have lost it if I'd tried. Pound in a card went one way!

It's just one way to be. So your SIL isn't wrong, just different.

ElliF · 19/02/2023 22:21

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:08

I will get flamed for this but I thought at least £5000 maybe £10000 as the money won't make much difference to them and they never had it before and were fine when I've told them for ages I'm worried about money

And yet you posted it anyways?
And we wonder why we have a nation of self-entitled adults incapable of growing up.
This level of entitlement from the older generations is outrageous.

MoltenLasagne · 19/02/2023 22:22

When you say her DH is a high earner, what exactly do you mean? Lots of people would class 40% tax bracket as "high earning" but then he could be on £50k and £20k cash tax free would make massive difference.

shopmyfeelings · 19/02/2023 22:22

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:08

I will get flamed for this but I thought at least £5000 maybe £10000 as the money won't make much difference to them and they never had it before and were fine when I've told them for ages I'm worried about money

I think you'll rightly get flamed tbh. Your expectations are unfair and unrealistic.
Why do you think they are responsible for your financial wellbeing?
You don't seem to like your SIL very much and I wonder if the relationships are as close as you have implied.

lljkk · 19/02/2023 22:22

What exactly would you use the money for, OP? Not to pay a debt i suspect, but just to have or do some nice things... like what? Nicer car? Netflix? Bingo?

Indáirire · 19/02/2023 22:23

Any decent parent would want their child to keep their money for themselves. I would be embarrassed if my daughter had to give me money. It's a parents job to provide.

PlanningTowns · 19/02/2023 22:24

Huh!?!?

so they have come into money approx £20,000 and you expect to get a quarter or a half? I truly don’t get it, you want half even though his parents get nothing..???? And that’s because your relationships are different.

sorry I really don’t get this at all.

be grateful for anything your child gives you. Don’t be jealous and bitter that they got the good fortune and you didnt. It is up to her or them how much is offered.

TheGoogleMum · 19/02/2023 22:24

I'm afraid I wouldn't have considered giving half!
I'd be more likely to offer to pay for a specific thing to help out. Or pay for us all to go on a nice holiday together or something rather than just give cash.

5-10k is expecting too much I think

ChicagoBears · 19/02/2023 22:25

I’d absolutely help yes. My parents would have gone without a meal to provide for me so it stands to reason (in my opinion) to pay it forward.

I will absolutely support my mum in her retirement if my level of income continues. Everyone deserves a comfortable life without worrying about how to pay yoyr next bill.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/02/2023 22:25

I don't know the new rate on their mortgage my daughter just told me it was going up and they wanted to pay off as much as they could on the lower rate. So I know it's going up but not by how much

I'm confused ... if you don't know this, how were you able to say earlier that "they weren't going to struggle to pay the new mortgage as it was"?

Lizziet64 · 19/02/2023 22:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 19/02/2023 22:25

I also think the money flows one way (downwards).

DD clearly wants to reduce the mortgage to change the LTV ratio and therefore get a better rate. If you own your property outright and their money is borrowed, then they need their money more than you do (just as, if we had the same amount of money but I then borrowed £10k, that doesn’t mean I’m now £10k richer than you).

Overthebloodymoon · 19/02/2023 22:27

If the DD has a large mortgage, I’d be encouraging her to put it towards that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/02/2023 22:27

ChicagoBears · 19/02/2023 22:25

I’d absolutely help yes. My parents would have gone without a meal to provide for me so it stands to reason (in my opinion) to pay it forward.

I will absolutely support my mum in her retirement if my level of income continues. Everyone deserves a comfortable life without worrying about how to pay yoyr next bill.

Paying it forward (at least to my parents) is making sure DD has enough. Savings for university etc. DGM would rather it went to that.

The whole idea of 'forward' isn't back!

whynotwhatknot · 19/02/2023 22:28

then you have no idea how much the mortgage payments will be

my dsis mortgae rate just went from 1.9 to 6

its not just a few pounds

NoDairyNoProblem · 19/02/2023 22:30

i would have taken parents away for the weekend but that would be it to be honest. With mortgage rates through the roof, cars more expensive, kids activities getting more expensive etc I can understand financial trepidation. I would split a windfall between the kids savings as however hard our generation found getting on the housing ladder the DC’s will be find it harder.

If I thought my mum was struggling I would be more inclined to treat her to occasional food shops, new winter coat, replacing a household item etc when needed.

Bikeybikeface · 19/02/2023 22:30

No way would my mother expect anything from me, and I wouldn’t expect anything from my DC either.

strawberryandcreams · 19/02/2023 22:30

Expecting 10k is pretty errr bold.
They have 2 children. My mum would describe my finances as your DD's. But we have a lot of outgoings each month and that money would ease the burden so much. My DM also thinks she knows our finances but she really has no idea. Because it isn't actually her business

I would have given you 2k in your circumstances.

Bournetilly · 19/02/2023 22:31

YABU and cheeky to expect 25-50% of the money.
Mortgage rates are increasing a lot, they may need the money more than you think.
I’d probably give my mum £2000 just because we’d want to give DHs mum the same. She would never expect it though and I don’t know if she would accept it. We would probably pay some of the bills and some treats instead.

Greycatclub · 19/02/2023 22:31

My mum will barely let me pay for her coffee. She would never expect or allow me to gift her money.