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AIBU?

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Original poster

How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

601 replies

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:14

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

OP posts:
wtfisgoingonhere21 · 19/02/2023 21:58

If my mum was on her own and struggling I would certainly be giving her more than £500

My dh doesn't have a good relationship with his dp either but he really wouldn't stop me giving what I decided I wanted to.
My do have always treated him as their own so vice Versa

However it really does depend on many things

Do you have a hood relationship with them as a family?

Have their been any big issues that would contribute to sil not wanting to give you more?

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 21:58

A
Sharing a small % of a windfall is surely hardly supporting a parent!

Op how much do you think you should have had?

What are they going to do with the money.

Posters this is a one off little bonus not op saying her daughter earns a good wage and shoud support her!!

Thatcatisdrivingmenuts · 19/02/2023 22:00

It isn't an "expect" situation. I would give, though. Presumably those who wouldn't are equally certain they wouldn't take from their parent, either.

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 22:00

@StereoTie

How much did u think you should get

MichelleScarn · 19/02/2023 22:00

Has your income been maximised? Are you getting pension credits etc? Could you downsize property if needs be?
Is it your opinion that gc have everything they need and finances are OK? I think in todays climate they would be best putting as much as possible towards this 'large mortgage' or away for dc future.

shopmyfeelings · 19/02/2023 22:01

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 21:58

A
Sharing a small % of a windfall is surely hardly supporting a parent!

Op how much do you think you should have had?

What are they going to do with the money.

Posters this is a one off little bonus not op saying her daughter earns a good wage and shoud support her!!

The daughter has done this though and the parent is upset they didn't give them more. This changes the situation from a small gift from a windfall to an expectation to receive money.

GettingItOutThere · 19/02/2023 22:02

yes, but i would give her 10k - but 1k a month to not affect benefts.

Original poster
StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:02

No other big issues no. Not that I know of anyway. No history of financial support. They say they need to pay off their mortgage debt because their mortgage is going to be up for renewal later this year so they're using it to do that but I think it's a bit upsetting because they weren't going to struggle to pay the new mortgage as it was

OP posts:
Soakitup37 · 19/02/2023 22:02

the way the op was written sounds a little bit entitled. But the circumstances we don’t fully know.

if mother is in a difficult position with money through no fault of her own, yes I’d give her some.

if it was a reckless mother, no.

I would respect my husbands feelings about giving away more or not.

I would only give it to my mother if I could afford to.

I wouldn’t be offended if I did didn’t get any/as much as I’d hoped /expected as the mother - it’s a gift that shouldn’t be expected even with a windfall.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 19/02/2023 22:03

I would look to help my mum out if she was struggling but I find it pretty gross that you expected more and are disappointed. Would you not rather she put the bulk of the money towards your grandchildren? Are you not a bit embarrassed to be demanding more?

Original poster
StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:03

DGC have everything they could want and more. I can't downsize

OP posts:
User473831 · 19/02/2023 22:04

No, I wouldn’t “expect” anyone to give away their money but if they did I’m sure the other party would appreciate it.

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 22:04

@shopmyfeelings

It's still a one off. Something exciting has happened op said if this had happened to her she would have shared it with them.

Op has not said how much she expected.

One problem is op may not be privy to their exact finances. Maybe they are not really doing as well as op thinks they are.

Or op could be one of these pensioners who never spends their own money but is sitting in a fortune!!

whynotwhatknot · 19/02/2023 22:05

how do you know the can afford the new mortgage rate if its already high the rates are triple what they used to be

if its gong towards the family pot the dh has a right to ssay how much he thinks you should have

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 22:05

How much did you want.

hoardod · 19/02/2023 22:05

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially

in that case I would definitely give

BobbyBleu · 19/02/2023 22:05

Money is really tight for us at the moment, £500 would be amazing. It does feel like a lot of money to me.

But I guess you feel it doesn't seem like much out of £20k? Could it be that they don't have as much money as you think? Could one of their jobs not be very secure and they are worried that they might need the money if something happened?

BraveGoldie · 19/02/2023 22:06

I think it depends what you mean by struggling..... obviously if you are managing your money in a sensible way, and are struggling to eat etc then I would expect them to significantly intervene.

However, if you are frittering away money in foolish ways and your definition of struggling us you can't buy certain things you want, then that's really not their problem,

If they have a big mortgage, then 20k isn't a huge windfall- they could use it to pay if some proportion of their mortgage... it doesn't sound like they are buying Lamborghinis, while you are starving!

I guess it also depends if you are a kind, giving DM who helps them in the ways hat you can.....

Certainly, I don't think there is an automotive obligation on their part. You sound a bit ungrateful and entitled. You could feel grateful to your SIL that he has agreed you are getting something, when his parents aren't (especially when it was his windfall and not your daughter's). But instead, your annoyed it's not enough...

shopmyfeelings · 19/02/2023 22:07

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:02

No other big issues no. Not that I know of anyway. No history of financial support. They say they need to pay off their mortgage debt because their mortgage is going to be up for renewal later this year so they're using it to do that but I think it's a bit upsetting because they weren't going to struggle to pay the new mortgage as it was

I'm sorry you are upset but honestly, you are coming across as grabby to me.

I'll ask again, how much do you think you should have been given?

TidyDancer · 19/02/2023 22:07

I couldn't not give money to my DM if I knew she was struggling. And I don't think £500 would feel enough to me.

What amount would make a real difference to you OP? And what would you use it for? Does your DD know the entirety of your circumstances?

hoardod · 19/02/2023 22:08

You are mortgage free, could you downsize or equity release?

Original poster
StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:08

I will get flamed for this but I thought at least £5000 maybe £10000 as the money won't make much difference to them and they never had it before and were fine when I've told them for ages I'm worried about money

OP posts:
hoardod · 19/02/2023 22:10

50% is quite a lot to expect tbf!

BobbyBleu · 19/02/2023 22:10

I know a few families who previously had no money worries who are being much more careful this year due to bill increases and the general cost of living crisis.
My DH's parents used to splash out on expensive holidays and have scaled right back as they are concerned.
Maybe your daughter's DH is worried in the same way?
I'm very close to my mum but I don't tell her everything, especially about our financial situation.

Slimjimtobe · 19/02/2023 22:11

I mean this kindly - did you help your daughter out much (eg uni costs)
i would have imagined 1000 but if dh family isn’t getting any it’s tricky

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