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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

601 replies

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:14

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:45

I'm the DM not the daughter. I don't have a mortgage but do struggle with bills a bit. I think DD wanted to give me more but DH is stopping her.

OP posts:
animalprintfree · 19/02/2023 21:45

If I was financially comfortable, I would have been helping my mother before the windfall anyway. The windfall would just allow me to give her more.

shopmyfeelings · 19/02/2023 21:46

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:45

I'm the DM not the daughter. I don't have a mortgage but do struggle with bills a bit. I think DD wanted to give me more but DH is stopping her.

How much did she give you and how much do you think she should have?

Tohaveandtohold · 19/02/2023 21:47

why did daughter tell her mum if she had no intention of giving her any, I think that’s poor form.
However, I’m not close to my mum, she’s not an alcoholic or gambler however she was just not maternal so we never had the mother daughter relationship but if she was struggling financially and I’m comfortable with an extra £20k windfall, I won’t watch her suffer, I’ll definitely give her £2k.
However if it was a mum I’m close to like the op, I’ll give her 5k, maybe 2k now and the remaining over time.

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 21:47

It's weird!

I would!

Imagine what an amazing little bonus 5 grand would be at that age!

Still enough bonus to share out with children and husband. 5 each to dc and still 5 left over.

LadyEloise1 · 19/02/2023 21:48

I certainly would.
My Mum and Dad are so generous both with money and their time.

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 21:49

@3luckystars

picklemewalnuts · 19/02/2023 21:49

Does he have parents? I think it's a bit hard, you'd have to be even handed, so give his parents something as well.

I can't imagine needing to be financially dependent on my D.C.- but obviously we can all get caught out by circumstances.

I'm in the opposite position. I have an extremely wealthy mum, who would expects to be treated by her DC, while having far more money than any of them. And she never treats any of us!

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 21:49

@StereoTie

How much did she give you?

whynotwhatknot · 19/02/2023 21:51

it dependsd does she often need money or is this a desprate situaton

is it also just the daughters money or partyl her dhs

BobbyBleu · 19/02/2023 21:51

Could it be that he stopped her because he felt he should give some to his family too?

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 21:52
  • lots of pensioners will be struggling! Cost of living crisis, investments low etc, inflation
Original poster
StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:52

She gave me £500. Her DH doesn't have a relationship with his parents so isnt giving them any.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 19/02/2023 21:53

sorry missed your post- was it solely her money? how much has she given you

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 21:53

£500) IS decent isn't it but how much do you think she would have given you?

CrinkleCutChips · 19/02/2023 21:54

Gosh, there are some hard hearted people on this thread. Let’s hope you never need help when you’re older. We bought a larger house so my mum could live with us as she could no longer afford the rent and associated bills. I wouldn’t have been able to stand to the side and watch her struggle to eat and heat her home (this was even before the CoL crisis)

Give what you want OP you’re clearly the one with the money You don’t need the validation of strangers.

Survey99 · 19/02/2023 21:54

There isnt a one size fits all answer, for me the starting point would be I would never expect money from my dc and would not accept it either unless it was urgenly needed for basics and I had no alternative.

There is also nothing wrong with your son in law having a say in where their family money goes and you suggesting otherwise does not reflect well on you.

Bookegg · 19/02/2023 21:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request

junebirthdaygirl · 19/02/2023 21:55

I would give small amounts say 500 pounds here and there rather than a large amount together. So maybe use the 500 towards some bills and more may come down the line. Think she shouldn't have told you about the money as it may have built your hopes up.

shopmyfeelings · 19/02/2023 21:56

You obviously think she should have given you more OP.

This thread is difficult to really comment on because you're not really saying much.

Do you think it's your daughter's responsibility to financially support you?
How much would make a meaningful difference to your life and what happens when that money runs out?
Is there anything you can do to improve your situation long term?

Seasider2017 · 19/02/2023 21:57

Oh course I’d help, even it if was to buy weekly things I know she would buy herself
a food shop
hairdresser
clothes, nightie, knickers, dressing gown
say £30 to treat herself

you know what your mum would like,want
id always do something weekly

Hesma · 19/02/2023 21:57

I wouldn’t expect it as they’re not close. If the daughter wanted to make a small gesture then fine but if the mother is being grabby then jo way!

LateOnTheBandwagon · 19/02/2023 21:57

You indicated your DD received the money. If it is hers, she decided to give you £500.
If the couple received it, they made the decision together to give you £500.
It seems like you might be trying to "blame" the DH.as though it is all his decision?

Original poster
StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:58

I suppose I feel hurt because of I had it I would have given them much more

OP posts:
Cornelious2011 · 19/02/2023 21:58

I would always share good fortune with my family/ friends. Whether it's taking them for a meal, buying them a gift or giving cash. I would never see a family member, especially a retiree struggle if I had the means to help.

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