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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

601 replies

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:14

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

OP posts:
SheilaWilcox · 19/02/2023 22:32

Do you have any debt / a mortgage still?
I have given my parents an interest free LOAN because savings aren't really getting much interest these days and I'd rather they weren't being clobbered with credit card interest.
Do you have a history of being a bit crap with money and they think you 'waste' it? That might not be the reality, but their perception.
Do you need financial planning help? Lots of people on here ask for advice to improve their situation, especially at the moment. Maybe between us we can help you.

Chowtime · 19/02/2023 22:33

I'm sorry but I thought it was standard practice in our british culture for money to go downwards towards our children. Are you British if you don't mind me asking?

YABU.

Warrensrabbit · 19/02/2023 22:33

Does the daughter work or is it just the DH as a high earner? It can be very difficult for a single person to have the entire financial responsibility for a whole family unit. The DH probably felt some relief from escalating mortgage rates when this money arrived. If I were you I’d be very grateful for the five hundred pounds which is a lot of money, and be grateful that your daughters family have a little cushion from the financial pain that will be hitting many this year.
I am not sure it is fair on her DH that he should be expected to support you as well as everyone else.

Pinotwoman82 · 19/02/2023 22:33

No this has to be a wind up surely! I’d be embarrassed if I was you thinking this. Don’t you want this money to benefit your daughter and grandchildren??? It is incredibly kind of her to gift you £500. Do you claim all that you are entitled to? Your grandchildren are going to need all the help they can get in future for houses etc. Why should you be entitled to so much of it?

Lululeman · 19/02/2023 22:34

There is no expectation that she should give money but if it was me I would definitely give my mum a chunk of money if she was still around. But my mum was amazing and a lot of my current “good fortune” is down to her and I couldn’t bear to see her struggling.

ChefsSalad · 19/02/2023 22:35

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:58

I suppose I feel hurt because of I had it I would have given them much more

I'm really generous with hypothetical money as well.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/02/2023 22:35

I think 5-10k was quite an optimistic (from your pov and to say the least) expectation on your part. I would expect anyone who got a windfall to give 1/4 or 1/2 away.

Im not sure money always flows downwards as such - in past generations the older generations were often worse off and therefore were given money, and in many cultures this is the norm. It’s just nowadays that the pattern is that older people tend to be better off than their children.

I would have thought maybe £1000 -‘I was thinking this when I read the OP- but that is quite a big chunk when they have children and may wish to put some into savings for them etc. This has got to be their priority.

What would you have spent it on? £500 is still quite a nice bit of free money!

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 22:35

They are being sensible and I fh think you have to be appreciative that that they are and not going to blow it all on a holiday. Its a very good stragety to get rid of some mortgage before the new rates...

Our current rate is extremely good, we locked it in before the chaos. However.... Even with 1.5 on top we will be paying a lot more each month than we do now and we won't be paying it down any quicker. So I would definitely pay off a chunk and I give dh more every month to try and over pay.

Op it's a shame you didn't get a little more.... It really is but if he's tight and doesn't believe in giving money it's lucky you got anything at all

ssd · 19/02/2023 22:35

Id help my mum

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/02/2023 22:36

I WOULDN’T expect anyone to give away 1/4 to 1/2 that should be!

BarbaraofSeville · 19/02/2023 22:36

whynotwhatknot · 19/02/2023 22:28

then you have no idea how much the mortgage payments will be

my dsis mortgae rate just went from 1.9 to 6

its not just a few pounds

And the amount of their mortgage could well be huge because they haven't benefited from price rises like you probably have OP.

My 70 YO DMs house is worth about £250k, they paid £8k for it in the 1970s.

It might look like they earn a lot but basic living costs are far higher.

MagentaRocks · 19/02/2023 22:37

I would help my mum if needed but she wouldn’t want me to. I suppose in your situation it would depend on why you are struggling. I do think you sound grabby, just because she has more than you it doesn’t mean she should give it to you.

littlefireseverywhere · 19/02/2023 22:37

I think £500 is reasonable!

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 22:37

When my df was short we suplmented him and he us.
It flowed both ways and now the poor man is also not with us it has flowed down to us and his gc.
Again I wish I had treated him more when he was alive I really do.
But both my parents were really devoted and wonderful.

xprincessxjanetx · 19/02/2023 22:38

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but i'm quite aghast that a DM would "expect" half of their daughters money! I wouldn't dream of expecting anything regardless of how well-off my DC were, even if I was on the breadline! How greedy and grabby.

BlueSeaWave · 19/02/2023 22:39

Sorry you are entitled unless there’s a huge back story.
you want half?
You do realise with mortgage rates though the roof their mortgage might be doubling? That their priority is to their kids, your grandchildren. You have no mortgage and just bills and want them to struggle so you can have money?

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 22:40

Again we don't know ops situation she could be sat in the dark with a head light on and a candle for warmth??.
Times are hard at the moment.

xprincessxjanetx · 19/02/2023 22:41

Also, you do realise they may want to save money for their own DC and future DGC's futures, right? Just because they are well-off and comfortable now doesn't mean that will always be the case and the children should always come first. I feel they are being very sensible keeping it back and saving it.

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 19/02/2023 22:41

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 22:40

Again we don't know ops situation she could be sat in the dark with a head light on and a candle for warmth??.
Times are hard at the moment.

Who needs a candle when you have the warm glow provided by the AIBU vipers?

Bigbadfish · 19/02/2023 22:41

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:08

I will get flamed for this but I thought at least £5000 maybe £10000 as the money won't make much difference to them and they never had it before and were fine when I've told them for ages I'm worried about money

I'm starting to see why the DH may have set a limit.....Good on him if so.

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 22:42

@NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks 😂😂

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/02/2023 22:42

I think your daughter shouldn't have told you how much she got. I don't blame you for thinking you should've had a little bit more. I would never think her husband would accept half.

Ourlittleharmonica · 19/02/2023 22:44

Would I expect her to give me money if I was her Mother? Absolutely not. If she is as financially comfortable (which can change in an instant) as you say, I'd expect her to put it away for her children's future college/car/moving out etc. I'd be mortified to take anything off her.

Lululeman · 19/02/2023 22:44

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:08

I will get flamed for this but I thought at least £5000 maybe £10000 as the money won't make much difference to them and they never had it before and were fine when I've told them for ages I'm worried about money

Wow…I am seriously shocked that you have this expectation. I would definitely offer my mum that much but that is my choice and she would never have expected it and would have probably refused it. She didn’t have much money but all her life she gave me money gifts and it never went the other way round. I’m gobsmacked.

CharlotteRose90 · 19/02/2023 22:45

If it was my mum I’d give her 5k Atleast. No way could I see her struggling at her age especially with the prices of things currently.