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AIBU?

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Original poster

Being pressured to visit in-laws after birth?

265 replies

Kardelen · 19/02/2023 20:59

4 days ago had a baby. Mil was at ours when I came back from hospital the next day. She mentioned about going to hers next week so she can invite her family to see the baby. DH said it’s too early and for me to have more time to recover. MIL got very upset at this and since then she has been ignoring DH calls time to time. DH keeps inviting her around but she is refusing. However she told other people like her close friend that we are not letting her see the baby. Her close friend now keeps calling DH and saying how it’s his mum, so not to ditch and how she is acting childish as she’s getting older and to bare with her (she’s 55) and how she’s excited as a grandmother.

So DH did u turn. I have a midwife appt tomorrow and he is saying for us to visit after that. Which I don’t mind but she probably is going to sulk the entire time, so how would I even respond? Or would she think because she acted this way we are visiting?

I’ve been in tears ever since I heard she told people that we don’t let her see the baby. When I had my first, it was a very complicated birth and again it was the same story, it made me depressed. I promised myself that this time round I’m not going to get upset but I just can’t help it. I’m angry at myself!

the other thing is if she does invite her extended family and we go, I’m gonna be expected to help out. Im feeling really tired and sleepless, and not sure if I’d be okay to be hosting in a few days!

aibu to wanting staying at home and doing the gathering later on?

OP posts:
Pardon44 · 20/02/2023 21:12

Kardelen · 20/02/2023 20:59

DH is just saying how I should be thankful to him as he is trying to defend me. I said I didn’t do anything wrong to be defended.

so he said with the attitude I’m texting at he doesn’t want to come home or will come home late as I am stressing him while he is trying to sort out the situation.

his mum on the other hand is talking about their dad, how at the time when she gave birth to the second baby he didn’t care.

so I think because dh initially said it’s too early for me to go hers to see visitors she’s just comparing with her own life.
but what’s my fault over here? Why should I deal with this. Why can’t she be happy her son is looking after or was!

He is as manipulative as her. Tell him to stay with his mummy. You'll be better off without the drama. Prick.

Original poster
Kardelen · 20/02/2023 21:25

DH is saying I’m making it bigger than it is, and how his mum got over it straight away after talking.

and now is blaming me saying he doesn’t want to come home because I’m acting this way.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 20/02/2023 21:33

He is a gaslighting bully. Just shut him down and temporarily block him. I'm sorry you are going through this. Keep posting on here for support.

Pardon44 · 20/02/2023 21:35

Kardelen · 20/02/2023 21:25

DH is saying I’m making it bigger than it is, and how his mum got over it straight away after talking.

and now is blaming me saying he doesn’t want to come home because I’m acting this way.

He is trying to manipulative you. You are totally justified to be pissed off. You had a baby 4 days ago. He isn't prioritising you or your wellbeing. He's not recognising that his mum is creating unnecessary drama and impacting on your MH. He is the biggest problem. He should have been stopping his family from invading your heads space by fielding calls and having boundaries instead He is pandering to them. Next she'll be picking babies name.

Original poster
Kardelen · 20/02/2023 21:45

i can see. He said he knows his mums at fault but can’t leave his mum whatever she does and the main thing is for her to be happy!

i just feel really exhausted and I don’t think these are things that a 5 day postpartum women would want to hear. Of course, it’s his mum he can love her as much as she wants. BUT not walk over me while doing so. He said I’ve been walking over his mum with my comments as I’m rubbing it in that she’s at fault. What should I do? Be happy?
and how she’s got mental health and handled it better ( this is not proven!). And that she’s going through other issues like pain. And like I am pain free?

OP posts:
Prettybutdumb · 20/02/2023 21:49

Jesus Christ, what am I reading?? Have you not got anyone to support you? You have 2 little ones and must be too tired to fight your own battle, I feel like you need someone to fight those bastards on your behalf - your useless husband included. I feel so angry and frustrated reading this. Sending you strength.

I’ve never advised anyone to divorce their spouse, but for the love of god get out of that insanity. She’s only 55, she will ruin your life for decades to come - if she survives her fucking aching ankle, that is.

HumphreysCorner · 20/02/2023 21:58

After the traumatic birth of my first baby and the entire family of DH's turning up as soon as we got home I never let it happen again with my next 2 xx

Pardon44 · 20/02/2023 22:02

Kardelen · 20/02/2023 21:45

i can see. He said he knows his mums at fault but can’t leave his mum whatever she does and the main thing is for her to be happy!

i just feel really exhausted and I don’t think these are things that a 5 day postpartum women would want to hear. Of course, it’s his mum he can love her as much as she wants. BUT not walk over me while doing so. He said I’ve been walking over his mum with my comments as I’m rubbing it in that she’s at fault. What should I do? Be happy?
and how she’s got mental health and handled it better ( this is not proven!). And that she’s going through other issues like pain. And like I am pain free?

He can’t leave his mum whatever she does and the main thing is for her to be happy!

He can't leave his mum whatever she does even if she is in the wrong. He wants her to be happy. Does that mean he can leave you the mother of his kids? What about your happiness and your wellbeing? He wants his mum happy and he should want that but not to your detriment.

She’s going through other issues like pain

He is trying to justify her behaviour.

You are in pain. You have birth a few days ago. It would be strange if you wasn't in pain. Your full of hormones. You are 4 days postpartum around this time the blues kick in for many. You are the vulnerable one.

Honestly @Kardelen You need to get as far away from these manipulative wankers as possible. The apple didn't fall far from the tree. He really is his mother's son.

Original poster
Kardelen · 20/02/2023 22:05

unfortunately now he said his mum will be coming around tomorrow with his aunt. Who is even worse.
again, no communication with me to see how I am feeling about this after today.

i don’t want to see them. I can’t fake smile. Or they can come and I will be super moody.

OP posts:
Cuppsoupmonster · 20/02/2023 22:06

So just say no?

Cuppsoupmonster · 20/02/2023 22:07

Come on OP, it’s getting a bit silly now. Just put your foot down and stop engaging in his psychodrama.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 20/02/2023 22:08

Since he is not standing up for you, you need to do it yourself.

Just say no to any visits from them until you feel ready. Although with this behavior, I think I would want to be as far away from all of them as possible.

Your DH is your main issue.

Pardon44 · 20/02/2023 22:08

Kardelen · 20/02/2023 22:05

unfortunately now he said his mum will be coming around tomorrow with his aunt. Who is even worse.
again, no communication with me to see how I am feeling about this after today.

i don’t want to see them. I can’t fake smile. Or they can come and I will be super moody.

It just gets worse. You and your wellbeing is so low on his list if priorities. He is not a nice person. He's a bully just like his mum.

Can you book an air b&b? I think you need some breathing space.

LittleOwl153 · 20/02/2023 22:10

I was coming on to say tell him to stay with mummy then as she is more important than his children... then i saw this update...

I'd say OK, but after today you are not ready to see them so you and baby will stay upstairs - he can entertain her with the toddler.

Or I'd say - do I not count in any of thisI'amd suggest he goes back to mummy as he is clearly still tied to her apron strings.

I'd also be saying no to the trip if that is going to leave your short of money and on your own with a tiny baby and a toddler.

Honeyroar · 20/02/2023 22:28

Crikey you’ve married into a selfish bunch of drama queens, haven’t you? And your husband sounds as fucked up as his mother!

id tell him to stay there tonight, you don’t want to see him after he’s upset you so much. Then he can think about whether he places his wife and children’s feelings below that of his mother etc before he comes back. And tell him you won’t be entertaining ANY of his family until he, and they, have reflected on how they’ve upset you and ruined this special time and sincerely apologised.

Sugarfree23 · 20/02/2023 22:29

Op I'm sure your siblings will want to help you, even if they do have their own kids a life.

Talk to them.

I can't decide if your best plan for tomorrow is go out with kids even to a friend or cave in an go visit mil - then you are in control of when you leave.
The thought of them coming round and plonking their arses on the couch for an indefinite amount of time would fill me with dread.

Original poster
Kardelen · 20/02/2023 22:37

@Sugarfree23
exactly my thoughts :(
they will also be expecting me to host most likely. I know DH is terrible at serving.

but I really don’t want to see them. Not after today. Can’t wait for dh paternity leave to end so he goes back to work too.

OP posts:
Nyna · 20/02/2023 22:44

I really feel for you, OP. It was your husband’s only task apparently , as you are doing everything else, to set up boundaries with his family. And he couldn’t even do that.

He stole the most precious moments with your child from you. He really doesn’t care about anyone else than his precious mom, does he?

I also dated a man that wouldn’t even have put his children before his mom or any other of his “original family”. Glad I got rid just when we were about to start to TTC.

Be strong tomorrow, will be thinking of you. If you can’t escape the visit, please don’t make any effort hosting! Let him handle that, and the 2 yo. Let’s see how he likes the visit once it’s up to him to do everything. If possible, make him clean as well, “to prepare”.

Sugarfree23 · 20/02/2023 23:19

I wouldn't be hosting them.
If they make any comments about tea / coffee - have your answers ready -
oh make yourself at home, you know where the kettle is, I'd love a coffee thanks.

Codlingmoths · 20/02/2023 23:20

Op, there are things you have control of here. You don’t have to ‘host’- you can sit on a sofa and say Dh can you make everyone tea. You don’t have to clean up before they come. You can take your baby to the bedroom and feed in peace - smile and say I’ll just give baby a feed in a quiet room. You can ignore anything they say- if they are rude you take baby and go to another room. If you think they will follow you pack a bag and put it in the car so you can take baby and leave. You can do these things. Tell your dh you will believe he is supporting you when you see it, the only actions you see are him bringing his mum over.

bussteward · 20/02/2023 23:51

Let DH be terrible at hosting. Don’t get dressed. Stay in bed doing skin to skin with the baby and posting here. Personally I’d also be googling divorce lawyers if my DH were this much of an utter shit to me ever, let alone five days postpartum.

smileladiesplease · 21/02/2023 00:05

Goes from bad to worse

PinkSyCo · 21/02/2023 00:48

She would expect you to host her family a week after you’ve given birth?!!! Fuck that shit. Just say no!

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/02/2023 00:51

they will also be expecting me to host most likely. I know DH is terrible at serving.

However terrible he is, he's not given birth 5 days ago so he can do it.

Go to bed and stay there.

FavouriteSlippers · 21/02/2023 00:58

Everyone's different. Both my last 2 born early hours one 12.05am one 1am , home by midday and 7.30am.
Elder ones off to school, i even walked them to school after the 7.30am return home, only 10 min each way. We had visitors the morning and then afternoon went to In laws, 15 min drive and to dh workplace . MY choice. No one else's. But that's because i cant just sit and relax. Dcs got cuddles with GPS.
There's nothing i couldn't give the dcs out and about that i could at home.

But if you're not up to it or don't want to. That's your choice, don't let anyone pressure you