Being pressured to visit in-laws after birth?

[Kardelen]

4 days ago had a baby. Mil was at ours when I came back from hospital the next day. She mentioned about going to hers next week so she can invite her family to see the baby. DH said it’s too early and for me to have more time to recover. MIL got very upset at this and since then she has been ignoring DH calls time to time. DH keeps inviting her around but she is refusing. However she told other people like her close friend that we are not letting her see the baby. Her close friend now keeps calling DH and saying how it’s his mum, so not to ditch and how she is acting childish as she’s getting older and to bare with her (she’s 55) and how she’s excited as a grandmother.

So DH did u turn. I have a midwife appt tomorrow and he is saying for us to visit after that. Which I don’t mind but she probably is going to sulk the entire time, so how would I even respond? Or would she think because she acted this way we are visiting?

I’ve been in tears ever since I heard she told people that we don’t let her see the baby. When I had my first, it was a very complicated birth and again it was the same story, it made me depressed. I promised myself that this time round I’m not going to get upset but I just can’t help it. I’m angry at myself!

the other thing is if she does invite her extended family and we go, I’m gonna be expected to help out. Im feeling really tired and sleepless, and not sure if I’d be okay to be hosting in a few days!

aibu to wanting staying at home and doing the gathering later on?

I say go nuclear. Say you now won't be seeing her either way due to her behaviour and if she continues to upset you then you won't be changing your mind any time soon.

Mark my words by the end of the day she'll be in hospital and on life support just to one-up you as a new mother because in her jaded view she must always be ranked the number one patient and will never crawl off her cross

Stand your ground! DH needs to back you up. Until he gets that straight, don't give MIL an inch.

mil must first retract the lie she told her friends, and apologise to you for lying about you.
WHEN you feel well enough for an outing to see all her family, you will let her know.

Very easy - Two step plan.

Step 1 - block the number of everyone that you DON'T want to talk to at the moment. If you want to talk to them, you'll phone/text them.

Step 2 - Tell your DH to find his spine. You are just days after having a baby and you've got a toddler to look after too so if he can't find his spine to tell his family where to go, he can just go and join them as he's of no use whatsoever to you at this moment in time.

If you want a third step, my advice would be to move out of the home but as you've got a toddler as well that would be a bit more difficult, but not impossible if you have family on your own side that you could go to even for a couple of days.

This is line in the sand time right now. I'd be saying it as such to your DH. He gets to pick which side of the line he wants to be on and once he has decided, that's it. Be ready to play hardball with them all @Kardelen!

Then she's not fit for guests.
She sounds like a very manipulative lady.

My MIL was in a wheelchair when I had my first (she has since passed). She had no expectation of a visit. I took my daughter after 3 weeks and the journey was still very painful.

@EKGEMS
Of course! Because 55 years old is very old. Forget about the one who just gave birth. The coincident ankle pain is more important. So the one that just gave birth should leave everything and focus on that. DH should focus on that. Everyone should focus on that.

I'm shaking my head over here across the pond and I am sending you a big hug in support

It might be worth discussing this and the impact of MIL behaviour and DH lack of support for you in your MW appointment. Maybe a health care professional can get your OH to understand the potential long term impact on your MH and ability to look after both children.

Yet another ridiculous MIL making the birth of a grandchild all about her.

Yet another spineless husband who fails to put his wife and newborn first.

Don't be bullied or emotionally blackmailed into doing anything you don’t want.

You’ve invited her over. She’s declined. So no need to do everything on her terms. And definitely no need to help her entertain her family!

Ignore the sulking and the messages from her flying monkeys. Prepare for some fake illness if MIL doesn’t get her way.

It might be worth discussing this and the impact of MIL behaviour and DH lack of support for you in your MW appointment

Yes, definitely do this.

Disgusting behaviour from your MIL. I’d put my foot down over the lies. Insist your DH phones her friend and calmly put her right. He should tell her your MIL has been invited to see the baby but turned the invitation down. He should also say that you’re recovering after the birth. That’s all. He should repeat that on the phone in your presence to all of them.

However tempting it might be to give in to MIL, don’t. It will just encourage her to repeat her manipulative behaviour again and again. Treat her like a toddler - because she’s behaving like one!

Your DH sounds like a spineless mummy’s boy who’s still tied to her apron strings. He needs to grow up and put a stop to his DM’s behaviour.

You look after yourself and baby. Although it might not seem like it at the moment, you hold all the cards. Don’t agonise over her, just say No. if more lies arise, ignore them. If she persists, I’d go extremely low contact with her. She sounds awful.

Congratulations

Your mil is a dick! 54 isn't old she's young and active snd can visit you or she can do one.

Likewise his siblings. You go no where until you feel like it. If your dh can't grow a back bone and tell her to put a sock in it then tell him to invent you having covid so no one can visit snd you can't visit them.

Just ignore any negativity. Ignore the stupid friend and enjoy your baby

And trust me there's nowt wrong with her ankle

DH went running to his mum after phone calls. Blamed himself saying he should’ve known how to deal with it better.

another cousin of his called, and said he should’ve communicated about the babies name, asked her opinion, ask her to be here when we do babies first bath and keep her involved always. And for him to always ask his mums opinions on things we do so she feels involved. apparently this is what her husband does.

we hadn’t even decided the name ourselves. Secondly, the day I came home she switched off from us completely, just saying she doesn’t want to come over. And then stopped picking phone calls. So how are we meant to discuss anything anyway?

isn’t she meant to call me to ask how I am and ask me questions? Why couldn’t she ask what we are planning to name the baby? Or any other questions she wanted to know.

i just feel shocked and disgusted, upset. I will never go out my way to do anything for her, and I ensured dh understands this too.

I’m just really annoyed. I try to talk to dh about it but he seems like he is getting butt hurt with what I’m saying since he spoke to his relatives.

im tired. And I just feel angry as now it’s Affecting my mental health and the way I’m taking care of the kids when they don’t even have anything to do with this.

what annoys me more is DH was accepting everything one of the cousin was saying acting guilty. When his mum was the one who doesn’t pick to communicate.

im just feeling really lonely and feel like I have this whole issue to deal with on my own.

They mentioned about how his mum wanted to go to visit this place, and that he should take her to make things better. Each package is minimum 1.5k. And dh said he will pay for his mums too.
he asked if I wanted to go, but I’m not up for it as ds is 2, and baby will be only 2 months old and I’m breastfeeding. So he will be away for 7 days, and I don’t know how I will manage with both.

the other issue is him doing the payments. He will need to remove his money from our joint account to pay. I also am on mat leave so think it’s going to be hard to bounce back.

Show DH, this thread. Tell the midwife everything which has been going on and get her to speak to DH. Return home and enjoy the peace and quiet.

MIL and the flying monkeys can either be helpful and supportive or they can stay home and not see the baby. This is the hill I would die on.

I think this is all my fault as I tried to be as independent as I can, and maintain the household chores and child care as best I can.
but I should involve him a lot more and be more laid back as it’s just straining me and end of the day nothing gets appreciated.

55 is old? I have an 8 yr old and still work full time and have three older kids. I am not 'old'. Your DH needs to grow a pair and if he doesnt you need to take your DC and head to your mums. As he needs to deal with his family and allow you to recover from having a child without dealing with his families flying monkeys

Do you get any support from your family, OP?

I would be tempted to pack my bags, kids and go stay with my family.

Your DH running to her to apologize over the drama that she created is bonkers.

As is him going on holidays with her and leaving you alone with your 2 young kids. I am actually shocked by his behavior.

I should add i am 53

It’s just hard to understand. If I tell the midwife what will she be likely to do?

Any pressure on new mothers especially from other mothers who should know better is to be shrugged off with no regret whatsoever.

4 days? Tell "D"H that for 30 days you are in confinement and he has to do any housework and support you as you see fit. Any visitors are at your discretion, and there will be no negotiation, your word is final. There will be no mass hosting and any visits will be few and carefully agreed beforehand.

You have more than enough on and have to be very mindful postpartum of both physical and mental health and welfare. Tell "D"H that any sly manipulative behaviour by others must be dealt with by him and will only result in bad relations in future. Start as you mean to, parenthood is hard enough without decidedly unhelpful demands. Time for "D"H to grow up!

OP, you keep posting about your MIL and DH's family, but they are not your problem. Your DH is. You married a man-child who is overly attached to his mummy and family. Stand your ground, don't knuckle under, and when the baby is old enough go for couple's counselling. You have a very bad dynamic going on, and it's only going to get worse if you don't act.

Fond memories of the assertive visiting midwife giving friends/family their marching orders - in no uncertain terms 💥😁 - just days after returning home with my baby DS.

Look after yourself OP, congrats on your new arrival, enjoy some peace and quiet together with your other DC. And get your DH to get a takeaway!

Dh seems very tied to his mum still and there seems like a lot of unnecessary involvement from external family members, is there a cultural difference between you and mil op?