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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being pressured to visit in-laws after birth?

265 replies

Kardelen · 19/02/2023 20:59

4 days ago had a baby. Mil was at ours when I came back from hospital the next day. She mentioned about going to hers next week so she can invite her family to see the baby. DH said it’s too early and for me to have more time to recover. MIL got very upset at this and since then she has been ignoring DH calls time to time. DH keeps inviting her around but she is refusing. However she told other people like her close friend that we are not letting her see the baby. Her close friend now keeps calling DH and saying how it’s his mum, so not to ditch and how she is acting childish as she’s getting older and to bare with her (she’s 55) and how she’s excited as a grandmother.

So DH did u turn. I have a midwife appt tomorrow and he is saying for us to visit after that. Which I don’t mind but she probably is going to sulk the entire time, so how would I even respond? Or would she think because she acted this way we are visiting?

I’ve been in tears ever since I heard she told people that we don’t let her see the baby. When I had my first, it was a very complicated birth and again it was the same story, it made me depressed. I promised myself that this time round I’m not going to get upset but I just can’t help it. I’m angry at myself!

the other thing is if she does invite her extended family and we go, I’m gonna be expected to help out. Im feeling really tired and sleepless, and not sure if I’d be okay to be hosting in a few days!

aibu to wanting staying at home and doing the gathering later on?

OP posts:
Desertbarncat · 20/02/2023 19:40

It’s only been 4 days. Stay home. And stop letting anyone else make you feel bad about it. You need stronger boundaries and to learn to say no.

Funkyblues101 · 20/02/2023 19:40

When she was ignoring the calls you should have kept things as they were. Blissful. Why is he pandering to his spoilt mother when he has a baby and wife to look after?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/02/2023 19:46

They mentioned about how his mum wanted to go to visit this place, and that he should take her to make things better. Each package is minimum 1.5k. And dh said he will pay for his mums too. he asked if I wanted to go, but I’m not up for it as ds is 2, and baby will be only 2 months old and I’m breastfeeding. So he will be away for 7 days, and I don’t know how I will manage with both.

Did he discuss the expense with you? Is it joint money and could/would you spend 3K on a holiday without him?

The MIL might be toxic but your DH is unfortunately not a keeper. He's not a good man.

Pardon44 · 20/02/2023 19:56

Kardelen · 20/02/2023 19:23

It’s just hard to understand. If I tell the midwife what will she be likely to do?

Mine would have told my husband that this drama wasn't in the best interests of me of the baby.

Pardon44 · 20/02/2023 19:57

Also at least they (Mw) will be on your side and offer you support because your husband certainly isn't

Original poster
Kardelen · 20/02/2023 19:57

So DH is there and is texting me how she said why I didn’t call her and why we didn’t ask her to stay the night ( when we have no space as we arranged to sleep with a child in each room). I had not slept 1 hour since giving birth and was exhausted. I even told her this how I am so tired as didn’t get any sleep for 48 hours ( plus the night before was having contractions- so that equals to 3 nights). Surely the last thing I want to do is sleep in the living room? While mil sleeps in my bed.

and why didn’t we let her come to the hospital. Did I really want to open my boobs in front of mil? Or for her to see me with a bloody gown!

and am I missing something, am I meant to call?

And dh is annoying me even more saying how everything is sorted now, and how she’s not a bad person!!

OP posts:
Pardon44 · 20/02/2023 20:01

Kardelen · 20/02/2023 19:15

I’m just really annoyed. I try to talk to dh about it but he seems like he is getting butt hurt with what I’m saying since he spoke to his relatives.

im tired. And I just feel angry as now it’s Affecting my mental health and the way I’m taking care of the kids when they don’t even have anything to do with this.

what annoys me more is DH was accepting everything one of the cousin was saying acting guilty. When his mum was the one who doesn’t pick to communicate.

im just feeling really lonely and feel like I have this whole issue to deal with on my own.

They mentioned about how his mum wanted to go to visit this place, and that he should take her to make things better. Each package is minimum 1.5k. And dh said he will pay for his mums too.
he asked if I wanted to go, but I’m not up for it as ds is 2, and baby will be only 2 months old and I’m breastfeeding. So he will be away for 7 days, and I don’t know how I will manage with both.

the other issue is him doing the payments. He will need to remove his money from our joint account to pay. I also am on mat leave so think it’s going to be hard to bounce back.

Your relationship is funked. I would resent him so much for allow this to happen. You and the kids don't seem to be his priority. Do you have anywhere you could go where you will get supported. You need peace, quiet and support.

Original poster
Kardelen · 20/02/2023 20:06

@Pardon44
sadly not 😭

OP posts:
MeridianB · 20/02/2023 20:06

Please switch these people off. The MIL and the cousin and the nonsense they are coming out with will make you ill if you don’t ignore them for now.

Your husband is more afraid of what his mum and his cousin think than supporting his wife and newborn. Do you have any family or friends to support you?

Original poster
Kardelen · 20/02/2023 20:07

@Pardon44 i just don’t want social services etc to get involved

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 20/02/2023 20:07

but they are not your problem. Your DH is. You married a man-child who is overly attached to his mummy and family.

I'm surprised he was mature enough to get married and father children as he seems so tied to his mother's apron strings

Please show your midwife the texts. Is there any chance your husband can come with you to the midwife so she can knock some sense into him?

And your MIL is not old. I am 9 years older than her, still work and don't feel old at all.

RampantIvy · 20/02/2023 20:10

Kardelen · 20/02/2023 20:07

@Pardon44 i just don’t want social services etc to get involved

They won't. This isn't social services worthy. Your midwife will sense that all is not well. Please tell her.

Also, you haven't said if you have any of your own family - parents, siblings?

bussteward · 20/02/2023 20:13

The more you post the more awful your DH sounds. Even if your midwife can’t give him a clip round the ear she can listen to you and give you emotional support - she’ll want to know that you’re not in a good place MH-wise and she’ll hopefully tell you to stay home and tune out all this noise, including from your DH.

He should not be texting you MIL’s crazy complaints about not staying over with you on the bloody floor! Outrageous. Are they always this insane? The outlook isn’t great.

Original poster
Kardelen · 20/02/2023 20:14

@RampantIvy

in the next midwife appointment he will be looking after dc and taking his mum to an appt.

but thinking if I should mention it to get some support of some kind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kardelen · 20/02/2023 20:17

@bussteward
and the more she talks the more excuses she comes up with. I asked him to ask why she lied that we didn’t show the baby, and she first denied. Then she said she saw on the first day but not after.
well the reason for that is she chose not to visit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kardelen · 20/02/2023 20:19

@RampantIvy
i do but I can’t really share this with them sadly. They are much older than me, and have their own family.

OP posts:
Pearfacebananapoop · 20/02/2023 20:21

Is this something cultural making her act like this?

Your DH needs to grow some balls. I would consider;

  • asking the midwife to have a word with him with her emphasising how your health comes first
  • point out the rising covid and flu rate, Strep A etc, etc you do not want loads of visitors/to visit loads of people before baby's injections
Pardon44 · 20/02/2023 20:28

Kardelen · 20/02/2023 20:07

@Pardon44 i just don’t want social services etc to get involved

That's not going to happen. Don't let your fear stop you reaching out

neonjumper · 20/02/2023 20:34

This whole situation is toxic . Your mil is using your husband to mentally abuse you ... and the rest of the family are also enabling this abuse .

It is horrendous what you are describing. There is no coming back from this ... your husband is an enabler of your abuse .

Stop trying to make your husband see sense he's to enmeshed .

Shut down any further conversations , have no more contact with them , baton down the hatches ... spend time with your new baby and toddler .. oh and start to tell people: midwives / doctors what is going on .

This type of behaviour strives on people keeping quiet .

DissidentDaughter · 20/02/2023 20:39

The midwife will have encountered a version of this scenario before. Safeguarding the wellbeing of mum/newborn (&DC) is her priority. Your MIL is bang out of order. Hope your midwife reads the riot act to your DH loud & clear.

RampantIvy · 20/02/2023 20:46

Shut down any further conversations , have no more contact with them , baton down the hatches ... spend time with your new baby and toddler .. oh and start to tell people: midwives / doctors what is going on .

The more I read about this dysfunctional bullying family I am inclined to agree with @neonjumper.

I would block/mute every member of this horrible family so that they can't abuse you, and temporarily mute/block your husband every time he goes to visit them.

And above all do NOT suffer on your own. Absolutely tell your midwife.

Can your parents not help?

Original poster
Kardelen · 20/02/2023 20:59

DH is just saying how I should be thankful to him as he is trying to defend me. I said I didn’t do anything wrong to be defended.

so he said with the attitude I’m texting at he doesn’t want to come home or will come home late as I am stressing him while he is trying to sort out the situation.

his mum on the other hand is talking about their dad, how at the time when she gave birth to the second baby he didn’t care.

so I think because dh initially said it’s too early for me to go hers to see visitors she’s just comparing with her own life.
but what’s my fault over here? Why should I deal with this. Why can’t she be happy her son is looking after or was!

OP posts:
lopsees · 20/02/2023 21:02

His priority should you be you, your baby, your child and then his mother.

Tell him to come home when he understands that and then turn your phone off

StaunchMomma · 20/02/2023 21:05

Tell him to bloody stay there if he's that much of a Mummy's boy!

How utterly pathetic that he goes running round there to pamper to her when she's clearly been shit stirring and lying around friends & family but does he care that you're upset?!

He needs to grow a pair.

RampantIvy · 20/02/2023 21:06

Your DH should be getting his arse home to you and looking after you, not pussyfooting round his mum.

Why on earth is he prioritising his mum over you? It sounds like he wasn't mature enought to get married and have children.

Please, please tell your midwife what is happening, and please tell your family. You shouldn't have to do this on your own.