to think about leaving DH due to infertility

[backoftheplane]

DH and I have been together nearly 11 years (for context, he's actually DP, we're not married but we've just been together for ages and that's how we refer to each other). We found out last year that we have no chance of conceiving naturally due to male factor infertility. I want to explore whether ICSI is an option. I found an excellent fertility doctor for DH a month ago and he still hasn't made an appointment. He said he wants to think about whether or not he even does. I'm devastated. I've posted previously about how depressed the whole situation is making me. Beyond saying he wants to "think about it" DH won't talk about it (he gets angry when I bring it up). He has said no to donor sperm (which I tend to feel the same way about). I just want him to go get a scan. I want to know that we did everything we could. He says he definitely wouldn't have an operation - even the small one needed if ICSI were to be an option. I'm not coping, and I'm considering leaving – but this also feels unfair to DH. When I brought it up again today he snapped that he wouldn't put pressure on me if the situation were reversed.

I've been looking at a lot of previous MN posts about this. It seems that when women who are infertile post about their male partners leaving because of infertility, the overwhelming advice is that the male partner is awful, should be prioritising the female partner with infertility issues and standing by them etc.

When it's the opposite way (my situation) – a woman who is with a male partner with male factor infertility, the overwhelming advice is to leave because otherwise the female partner will regret not having children.

I'm so torn. I know it's not necessarily fair to leave because of something outside of DH's control – but I do feel like it is within his control to explore our options, and he is not doing this. And, even if I do leave where does that leave me? I'm not automatically just going to have children. I'm 38. I will be grieving the end of a decade-long relationship, trying to set up my whole life again, and I'm sure that partners that you want to have children with don't just suddenly appear. So instead of being childless and in a relationship, I would be childless and single. I'm not interested in 'going it alone' either – I simply don't have the support network or financial security on my own.

I just think about the future and feel so sad and lonely. I also live on the other side of the world to all my family and good friends, and I just don't know where to turn.

Please note, I am NOT looking for suggestions like adoption, donor sperm, lifestyle changes etc... I have spent 6 months looking into this and I already know what my options are and what would / wouldn't work for us.

From the sounds of it, you're not thinking of leaving "because" of the infertility, but to his lack of engagement with trying? Which is a bit different. How do you think you might feel if he had tried everything and it hadn't worked so you think?

In terms of your next steps - well, I came to terms with being childless (and now would characterise myself as childfree). But if you really want children, and he won't choose any method that lets you, I'm not too sure what your other options are aside from "go it alone"?

As a very first step could you try marriage counselling to try and work this through together?

I voted YABU but it’s difficult and you have my sympathies. The situation must feel really tough and I can imagine it’s a moral nightmare.

You could leave DH, who you love and have built a life with for 13 years. That’s a long time. You could leave DH. You would have to very quickly find a new partner, get to know them for long enough and think they would make a good enough parent before TTC by which time you’d be 40… and discover the new partner also has male factor infertility by some unfortunate luck. TTC can take couples 12 months anyway.

I hope I don’t cause offence but the stark reality is the fertility declines slightly every year from 30 and significantly every year after 35+. I wouldn’t want to leave it behind 40, but that is just me.

Life is so very variable. I would consider freezing eggs if you haven’t yet done so and have another firm conversation with DH explaining you need him to make a decision on this fairly pronto, one way or another Of course, if he doesn’t want kids you can’t persuade him, but leaving him and hoping to find somebody else is a gamble IMO.
Unless you left him and did it alone in which case you may as well stay together and use donor sperm.

Follow your gut and do what’s right for you… whichever decision you take here doesn’t sound easy. Sending virtual support!

I think I would have to leave him due to knowing I would feel massive resentment towards him for not trying everything possible - not that he should have to but it’s an impossible situation

At your age, I wouldn't suggest leaving with the aim of having children with someone else, as you say it's not all that likely to happen.

I would suggest the two of you having counselling -- initially to deal with this issue of him refusing to explore every option, and then perhaps to come to terms with the fact that there is nothing you can do.

However if he refuses to go to counselling, after refusing to explore options, then I don't think it would be wrong for you to think about whether you want to stay with someone who is not emotionally supportive. And then do get some counselling on your own.

I do feel like it is within his control to explore our options, and he is not doing this.

And that's more of the issue. You aren't in it together and he's refusing to explore options. That's a serious matter.

You say you've been together for 11 years. How come you've only recently started looking at having kids/fertility issues?

@confettipig no offence taken! I'm very aware that age is not on my side. It's partly what makes this whole situation even more difficult. I'm just devastated and feel like my entire life is a wreck. Things are not good between me and DP at the moment (and haven't been since we found out about infertility six months ago), I'm so far away from any kind of support, I probably won't have children (or anything that goes with that), and my mental health is a complete mess.

But you wouldn’t be leaving him because he’s infertile, you’d be leaving him because he isn’t engaging in the process and seems to want to deny you having a biological child because he can’t without help.

@ReneBumsWombats because we started TTC when it was the right time for us...

I think counselling might be a major step forward here.

Having dealt with infertility in a partner, I can tell you they feel like hell. The feel that they have "failed" at the basics of being a man/woman (delete as required). I remember the feeling of self-hate and disgust, almost along the lines of "If I can father/carry a child, what am I here for??!"

I know everyone is different, and our situation was not unique, but reading what you have written... it strikes me as if he is retreating from the situation in that if he ignores it, if it is not "confirmed" medically, he can pretend it is not a problem.

Right now - while your clock is ticking, he is (probably) feeling really really shit.

Anyway - sympathy and best wishes - very very hard position to be in.

At 38 I wouldn't bother leaving if you don't plan on using a sperm donor anyway. Chances of finding a new life partner and then conceiving must be tiny.

But leave if you don't feel you and he are still well matched.

I think anyone can leave any relationship for any reason. Leaving sue to your partners infertility would be a sad reasons to end a relationship, however it sounds like your issues is more him not taking about his feelings and not being willing to do fairly minimal things to explore if you can overcome the infertility, rather than the infertility itself.

I know sometimes people get worn out with constantly focusing on fertility when they have been doing it for years. Is it possible he just needs a break from it for a while. Maybe wants to focus on others things. It must be hard having a focus on something so important for an extended period espacially when it’s about something that doesn’t work with you (I know that’s not true but that is how it feels).

I'm sorry you are going through this. It does sound like kids aren't going to happen for you unfortunately. So it's a straight do you leave DP over not trying everything he can or not. Only you know how resentful you feel about it.

I wish there was an answer where you get to have children but it doesn't sound like there is sadly

Do you think he actually wants children or isn’t bothered one way or another (just asking because it sounds like you were together a long time before you thought about children)? You clearly do and if he isn’t motivated to investigate the options, I can understand why you feel let down.

@dreamingbohemian he won't have counselling. I've tried having counselling myself but it wasn't successful and I just ended up paying for three very expensive sessions. I have tried the NHS but was told the waiting list is 12+ months.. I think as pp have said, the main issue is unwillingness to engage. But it's difficult as I also have to respect that it's his body – if it was a woman who didn't want to have surgical intervention for infertility and her partner was insisting on it, I'm sure people on MN would say that she had every right to no put herself through that.

Ok. No judgement at all, just to be clear. But I'm wondering what the reasons were...if they had anything to do with your relationship and whether that might give further context to what's happening now. Which would help inform your decision.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

@Zippidydoda I would understand him 'needing a break' if we had been dealing with it for ages, going through various tests etc... but he has done nothing apart from supply a sample so far (which I took into the clinic to have tested).

His refusal to even pursue the options is incredibly hurtful and suggests he’s not that interested in being a dad. You’d be leaving because of that, not because he’s got male factor.

You’re so low and at such a major juncture I think you need proper external help and support and I’d book some counselling for yourself and then for the two of you if he’s willing. I really feel for you and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I agree that it’s his body, his choice as to whether he has any surgical intervention or treatment, but by the same token, it’s your choice as to whether you are prepared to stay with him on this basis. If you will always be resentful wondering what would have happened if he’d agreed to look into treatments (even if they came to nothing), then you have to decide what is best for you.

Would you consider looking into getting a sperm.donor and doing it alone if that was an option? If so I think you need to consider how important kids are to you and decide whether to persue that or ensuring your relationship survives. Not a nice position to be in unfortunately

@ReneBumsWombats I always wanted to wait and have children when I was a bit older. We both used to travel a lot for work too. It was DH suggestion to start TTC and it felt like the right time. Now, it feels like he just doesn't want to have kids.

x post on counselling. Sometimes it takes a while to find a good fit.

@OnlyFannys as in my OP - no, this is not something I would consider. I don't have the support network or the financial security.

This diagnosis will have come as a terrible shock to him. He’ll feel embarrassment, even shame. Of course there is no earthly reason why he should feel this way but there is no logic to these things. He needs time to get his head around it, and reassurance that you don’t find him any less of a man.

I do sympathise with you both.

It sounds like he's grieving the loss of his fertility and needs some counselling. I would try this and or both couples counselling before leaving as he might be persuaded to engage with it. There are some great Instagram accounts run by people who've been in his situation which can make you feel much less alone. Personally speaking I have had to grieve the loss of my genetics when my eggs didn't work and now we're doing donor egg IVF. That may not be the right route for you which is fair enough. All I'm saying is, it was a process for me to get to this point. Check out instagram.com/knackered_knackers?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y= he's great, it's particularly hard to find men who talk openly about this. I really hope you can both come to a place where you're on the same page. Maybe in the meantime you can freeze your eggs and that takes the time pressure off you both slightly and he can process and grieve and you don't feel like you need to make a big decision immediately xx

Your running out of time. I'd look into your eggs are still viable to freeze. I think honestly that if you have been together for 11 years and only started trying at 38 how genuinely did you both want kids? Leaving your first until after 35 in a long term stable relationship is very risky. I totally get why two people meet at 40 and have a first at 42. Or have your second in mid forties. But a sobering thought is that I had a misscarage at 43. The counciling midwife told me that she used to work for a ivf clinic and she saw 0 zero births with own eggs at my ( then ) age. Zero. So you need to think very hard about freezing eggs. You don't have another 5 years left to freeze them.