to think about leaving DH due to infertility

[backoftheplane]

DH and I have been together nearly 11 years (for context, he's actually DP, we're not married but we've just been together for ages and that's how we refer to each other). We found out last year that we have no chance of conceiving naturally due to male factor infertility. I want to explore whether ICSI is an option. I found an excellent fertility doctor for DH a month ago and he still hasn't made an appointment. He said he wants to think about whether or not he even does. I'm devastated. I've posted previously about how depressed the whole situation is making me. Beyond saying he wants to "think about it" DH won't talk about it (he gets angry when I bring it up). He has said no to donor sperm (which I tend to feel the same way about). I just want him to go get a scan. I want to know that we did everything we could. He says he definitely wouldn't have an operation - even the small one needed if ICSI were to be an option. I'm not coping, and I'm considering leaving – but this also feels unfair to DH. When I brought it up again today he snapped that he wouldn't put pressure on me if the situation were reversed.

I've been looking at a lot of previous MN posts about this. It seems that when women who are infertile post about their male partners leaving because of infertility, the overwhelming advice is that the male partner is awful, should be prioritising the female partner with infertility issues and standing by them etc.

When it's the opposite way (my situation) – a woman who is with a male partner with male factor infertility, the overwhelming advice is to leave because otherwise the female partner will regret not having children.

I'm so torn. I know it's not necessarily fair to leave because of something outside of DH's control – but I do feel like it is within his control to explore our options, and he is not doing this. And, even if I do leave where does that leave me? I'm not automatically just going to have children. I'm 38. I will be grieving the end of a decade-long relationship, trying to set up my whole life again, and I'm sure that partners that you want to have children with don't just suddenly appear. So instead of being childless and in a relationship, I would be childless and single. I'm not interested in 'going it alone' either – I simply don't have the support network or financial security on my own.

I just think about the future and feel so sad and lonely. I also live on the other side of the world to all my family and good friends, and I just don't know where to turn.

Please note, I am NOT looking for suggestions like adoption, donor sperm, lifestyle changes etc... I have spent 6 months looking into this and I already know what my options are and what would / wouldn't work for us.

i had icsi - all your hubby needs to do is get some of his sperm in a cup - this man does not want kids I am sorry

That thought crossed my mind too. I know of someone who did this. He'd had a vasectomy years previously but let his wife go ahead with multiple fertility tests.

Yes I noticed that too @MrsTerryPratchett what is YOUR financial situation like OP? If he were to leave you where would that leave you financially?

I wouldn't risk not having children for the sake of a man, especially one that wouldn't commit or share finances with me.

If you leave your DP of over a decade and establish a relationship with someone new then you’ll be at least 40 by the time you ttc. In your late 30s, female fertility declines dramatically. Chances of you falling pregnant decreases, let alone carrying a child to term. Sure, there are lots of old mums with babies, but most have been ttc for many years or use fertility drugs/ivf. There’s no guarantee you’ll fall pregnant and you’ll have given up an otherwise happy 11 year relationship.

I’m sorry but I’m not sure why you only recently started ttc in your late 30s. You’ve been together since your late 20s and could’ve started investigations a lot earlier.

It's not that simple. He has no sperm at all. Hence needing a special scan.

I've been there and stayed. I now don't have kids and I feel it's a big massive hole in my life. I tell myself I'm ok that I have children in my life - nephews and nieces etc but it's not ever enough. I cry at Xmas and feel very alone on holidays and other occasions when families get together.

When my DH found out that his sperm was low - he refused to accept it, searched for doctors who could give him a 2nd opinion. He refused to do anything or take any advice. He told me I could go for donor insemination but that didn't work. We gave up trying and I got a puppy - not the answer but it helped.

I didn't leave him although I was angry and hurt.
He got cancer and subsequently died. I eventually remarried and have grown up step children and grandchildren, which helps enormously but I'd have loved my own children.

Perhaps you should talk to him about how you feel - you aren't blackmailing him, tell him how much this means to you and yes he needs time to assimilate this but you are hurt and feel desperate by his unwillingness to act and that your need to have children is stronger than staying with him if he chooses not to do anything.
Good luck OP

I feel like the two of you need to sit down with a bottle of wine and talk about this. We're all assuming he's feeling terrible, not like a 'real man', or that he doesn't really want kids. And meanwhile you're wondering if you should leave him. It's a mess! Have you always had such issues with communication or is it just this issue @backoftheplane? Honestly, please find a way to communicate. If he can't cope with talking, would he reply to an email? I know that sounds crazy, but some people communicate better when they have a chance to think about what they want to say, write it out, edit it and then send it. But without you knowing how he's feeling I don't see that you can move on in any way.

But if the answer is still a 'No' from him on tests or any further efforts to conceive, rather than leaving, I'd suggest going to visit your family on your own. Just get away. Put some distance between yourself and him/this dilemma. It might help you make a decision about what to do.

The problem with this way of thinking is that it's not a case of 2 choices:-

1. leave and take a chance on meeting someone fertile in time, which probably won't happen .
2. stay childless in your happy relationship.

Because it's not a happy relationship any more. It's a relationship in which the 2 people involved have different needs, and they can't reconcile them. The genie can't be put back in the box. Turning back the clock is not an option any more. OP wants to do whatever possible to have a child. OP's partner does not.

I’m sorry for the situation you are in and the way you are feeling. Bluntly:

1. there’s no correct way to deal with infertility
2. there’s no correct amount to want DC
3. it evidently wasn’t the right time to TTC if you’re 38 and discovering infertility now, and this is something you’ll need to take your fair share of responsibility for as this situation was entirely foreseeable
4. you’re in an unfortunate situation of having to grieve one or two or more things, and it seems you are going to have to choose what to grieve
5. it’s okay to hate your life temporarily for this sort of thing. To my mind, that’s a very normal and healthy response. You can’t control your partner’s response and you have no control over the shit things happening to you. Infertility, when you want DC, can be one of the most brutal experiences a person experienced. Acceptance (which you are probably a long way off) is the only way. Do you want to reach that place with your partner or without?

I’m sorry for you. Life must indeed feel totally stacked against you right now, and grossly unfair. Infertility is grossly unfair. Try to take things easy on yourself and in your partner.

I’m confused by what you said about ICSI requiring an operation, as it wouldn’t normally, all the make partner has to do is provide a sperm sample. Or is the operation for something different, prior to ICSI.

I think many couples split up because one wants children and one doesn’t, and many couples split up over infertility treatment too, often because one partner wants to continue after one or more failed attempts and the other doesn’t. So I don’t think you would be unreasonable separating for this reason, it doesn’t make you a bad person. However, if you definitely want children, your best chance to achieve that would be to have treatment as a single woman using donor sperm. If you’ve definitely ruled that out I guess you’ve got to think about how you would feel in 5 years time if you haven’t been successful in finding a new partner and having a child. Would you feel better that you had at least tried.

I agree with others that counselling may be a good option, either separately or together. Most fertility clinics offer a counselling service.

@MrsTerryPratchett @DangerNoodles for what it's worth, the house is in my name only even though it was 90% financed by him.

@IceandIndigo this question has come up a lot - I wasn't clear enough in my initial posts. He has azoospermia – there is zero sperm. If we were to try ICSI the sperm would need to be surgically retrieved (a big if)

I think if he was as desperate as you to give his all into trying everything he could to enable pregnancy and you ditched him because it didn't work/even so that would be incredibly cruel, however if he can't be bothered to put the effort in to try when it's him with the difficulties then I I don't think you are unreasonable to be considering your options as to whether you should remain in the relationship.I think you need a serious conversation about your feelings.

The only question here is: Are you going to resent your DP if you never have children?

The fact he is not even willing to discuss it or go for further tests when having children is clearly important to you would make me angry and resentful.

I have one friend whose wife left him because he was infertile. She has since had a child with someone else, and he met someone else who didn't want kids and they have a great life.

I also a female friend who was infertile, so they used a donor egg, and another female friend who had a baby with a donor egg AND a donor sperm due to them both having huge fertility problems.

If he is not willing to discuss it, then this isn't much of a relationship.

You're very charitably trying to look at the situation from a reverse point of view OP, but I'm not convinced it's symmetric. The thing you're asking him to consider is as far as I can see much more minor than the thing you've already agreed to - carrying a pregnancy and giving birth.

So he pretty much decided he doesn't want children as he doesn't want further investigations.
I think couples counselling may be the way to go tonhonesrly hear each other. He may be trying to protect himself as its easier not to get hopes up. He may not think its a big deal as you both waited until later in life. O ly way you will know is by talking

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, what a difficult situation.

it sounds very much like the stress and unhappiness of his diagnosis is what’s causing him to behave in this unhelpful way. You are also grieving and processing the situation and obviously are under a huge amount of pressure from a time perspective.

from your post, you’ve already identified that the comparison is between childless + single and childless + DH (rather than new partner + child). I agree that this is the right comparison to make - there are definitely no guarantees at your age and stage in life.

I also think he’s behaving this way because he feels terrible about himself. First ask yourself if you still love him and can imagine being happy just the two of you. Look at some people who talk about positive child free lives. He obviously has significant positive traits for you to have been together 11 years!

then if you think yes to the above: If you possibly can (no judgment if you can’t - you’re going through something incredibly hard), try extending kindness, patience and compassion to him. Even though he’s being unreasonable and illogical. Don’t put pressure on him and you might be surprised at his reaction.

my partner would be the same about counselling - but he might open up to you if you’re able to keep your own feelings in check. I would definitely seek solo counselling though for yourself.

really hope things get better for you soon ♥️

You wouldn't be leaving because he is infertile. You'd be leaving because he doesn't want kids enough to take even minimal steps to try to overcome the issue. If the issue was with you, it sounds like you'd be doing everything you could to move things forward. So ultimately you'd be leaving because you want children more than he does and that makes you incompatible. You'd also have to accept that even if you left, there's a good chance you still wouldn't end up with a child.

You yourself know your options no one here is going to have a magic answer. But if you want it laid out…

A - Tell DP you are desperately unhappy and if he doesn’t agree to at-least the most simple of tests you’re not sure the relationship will last.

B - Leave DP with the unknown’s, you may meet someone and have children you also may not.

C - Adopt or use donor sperm.

(Which I I know you have said you don’t want.)

I agree.

Only you can decide whether you want to keep your DP or separate and try and have children another way.

I would hate to be in your situation but you need to give yourself a time limit because obviously time isn’t on your side.

And presumably if you split up you will be selling the house and giving him back AT LEAST half?

I understand the desire to have children, but realistically, if you exit the relationship now to find someone to procreate with, you're not necessarily going to be in the right frame of mind to even get into a new relationship instantly. To stand a fair chance of having a child, you'd literally be looking for a sperm donor who is willing to commit very very quickly and who wants to start trying for a baby immediately after meeting. That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Would you just settle for anyone who doesn't have fertility issues? I'm not sure that would make an ideal home life for any hypothetical child either.

“The only question here is: Are you going to resent your DP if you never have children?”

I agree with @ChickenDhansak82 on this one. Whatever you choose to do, the chances of you having a child now are slim. His unwillingness to explore options is telling me he is ok with not having children. Can you live with this? You may have to either way but will you ever be able to forgive him for not trying everything possible?

Maybe he's going through a shock and his self esteem is very poor right now? You said you only found out 6 months ago and that he was the person who suggested TTC first. He is likely shocked to discover he can't have children naturally and he needs time to process this. Can you sit down with him prepared to the discussion and empathetic and explain your position, ie that unfortunately you don't have much time to wait because of your age, but that you recognise it's a very difficult time for him too? And ask him openly whether he wants to do everything possible to have a child together or not? This will give you the base and then you can think what to do next.

Ultimately if he'd rather not have children at all and you feel you really want a child of your own then I'd leave. At least you'll give yourself a chance of becoming a mother but it's far from guaranteed. I also think you sound overwhelmed with the stress of it all and you're not thinking straight about the options that are available to you individually or as a couple. I suggest you take a step back from it all and think calmly which will be needed for ICSI anyway if you go down this route. You really need to get to a more peaceful place yourself first regardless. Making serious decisions such as having a baby or leaving a long term relationship in a highly emotional state is never a good idea.

he snapped that he wouldn't put pressure on me if the situation were reversed
that's surely because he doesnt want children!
He's not being straight with you and admitting it though is he...presumably because that would amount to admitting that you are incompatible and he doesnt want to lose the convenient set up he has with you

I feel like this problem on the surface looks like your looking to leave your DH because of infertility but actually your looking to leave because support is 0. Communication has broken down and your the only one trying to fix that (through counselling which your partner refuses to engage) I hate to prod the sore spot but I'm guessing he's generally not great at offering support and communication at the best of times ? Has this shown up in any other ways areas ? I think if this abnormal for him and is usually supportive in every other situation then there maybe a case for the argument that he's processing his feelings...

If so the questions without children is this the type of support you want and or can live with ? It's not really a question about if the level of support is good/bad who's right or wrong (I personally think no one is wrong here) It's whether it's enough for you two to have a happy life together ?
Everyone has their limits and also has their requirements (re support levels).

You know yours. I personally left my (now ex) DH because we lost a child and various bad behaviour happened on his side (and probably also on mine) but the thing that killed us was his completely and utterly lack of support and his unwillingness to engage with help of any kind.

I don't know the answer for you, but I know the feeling of being alone when your in a relationship. It's a very very sad place to be.

I would freeze your eggs if possible, and have a frank conversation with DH one last time. Letting him know he will potentially lose you over this. He will show you have invested he is in this by his reaction.

Whatever happens I hope you find peace and please please stop being so hard on yourself infertility is a bitch. It can test the strongest of relationships. It certainly did mine.

For Christ’s sake. He has azoospermia. There’s no sperm in his semen. Getting it into a cup will be useless.