to think about leaving DH due to infertility

[backoftheplane]

DH and I have been together nearly 11 years (for context, he's actually DP, we're not married but we've just been together for ages and that's how we refer to each other). We found out last year that we have no chance of conceiving naturally due to male factor infertility. I want to explore whether ICSI is an option. I found an excellent fertility doctor for DH a month ago and he still hasn't made an appointment. He said he wants to think about whether or not he even does. I'm devastated. I've posted previously about how depressed the whole situation is making me. Beyond saying he wants to "think about it" DH won't talk about it (he gets angry when I bring it up). He has said no to donor sperm (which I tend to feel the same way about). I just want him to go get a scan. I want to know that we did everything we could. He says he definitely wouldn't have an operation - even the small one needed if ICSI were to be an option. I'm not coping, and I'm considering leaving – but this also feels unfair to DH. When I brought it up again today he snapped that he wouldn't put pressure on me if the situation were reversed.

I've been looking at a lot of previous MN posts about this. It seems that when women who are infertile post about their male partners leaving because of infertility, the overwhelming advice is that the male partner is awful, should be prioritising the female partner with infertility issues and standing by them etc.

When it's the opposite way (my situation) – a woman who is with a male partner with male factor infertility, the overwhelming advice is to leave because otherwise the female partner will regret not having children.

I'm so torn. I know it's not necessarily fair to leave because of something outside of DH's control – but I do feel like it is within his control to explore our options, and he is not doing this. And, even if I do leave where does that leave me? I'm not automatically just going to have children. I'm 38. I will be grieving the end of a decade-long relationship, trying to set up my whole life again, and I'm sure that partners that you want to have children with don't just suddenly appear. So instead of being childless and in a relationship, I would be childless and single. I'm not interested in 'going it alone' either – I simply don't have the support network or financial security on my own.

I just think about the future and feel so sad and lonely. I also live on the other side of the world to all my family and good friends, and I just don't know where to turn.

Please note, I am NOT looking for suggestions like adoption, donor sperm, lifestyle changes etc... I have spent 6 months looking into this and I already know what my options are and what would / wouldn't work for us.

This.

If he didn't want children, why was it he who suggested starting to try for a baby before they even knew there were fertility issues?

I’m wondering whether a trial separation would help.

Not only would it hopefully make your mind up about whether having children is more important than your DH.

But it will show you whether you can actually cope on your own.

If you can’t afford to rent somewhere and live as a single person, then you aren’t going to be able to afford doing it with a child.

But if you can’t afford it or can’t cope on your own and you decide to stay with DP then you cannot resent him or throw it back in his face, as it will be your choice to not have kids too.

DP will also not take you back after having someone else’s children (I’m sure someone will suggest that sooner or later).

Male factor infertility here. There is no operation for the man assuming there is at least a small number of sperm in the ejaculate. We now have 3 precious children. I'd never have considered leaving him. You need to explain how important it is to you to get ball rolling for ivf.

Having dealt with infertility in a partner, I can tell you they feel like hell. The feel that they have "failed" at the basics of being a man/woman (delete as required).

This. Your partner is feeling embarrassed and probably upset.

It sounds like he is not accepting the diagnosis and burying his head in the sand.
I can imaging feeling the same as you OP in this situation.

Its' shit for him but it's shit for both of you. I do empathise with your DH but he needs to get over the self pity and get himself tested.

There is treatment out there for this condition. There are lots of if's and certainly no guarantees but I'd want to try everything and I'd expect DH to get over himself and get down to the testing center.

I appreciate that's easy for me to say.

@Scottishgirl85 I should have been clearer in initial posts but have now posted this several times – there is zero sperm. He has azoospermia. He would need surgical retrieval of any sperm.

@sunsoutagain thank you for sharing, and I'm so sorry that you went through this. It sounds awfully hard, and I'm worried that I will end up resentful. All my family is overseas (other side of world, so I see them once a year at most) and my partner is not close with his family – so I don't even have any meaningful relationships with other children in my life. It sounds like you do have a lovely relationship with stepchildren - I'm happy for you that you have found that x

@backoftheplane OP, I had to make the same decision. ICSI was our only option. Very low sperm count and every single one is immotile. Not a single one of the lazy bastards was moving (an in joke here now). We explored it all and tbh it was me that decided we wouldn't go down that route in the end.

I'm still so angry about how invasive ICSI and IVF is (we also considered donor sperm, but wrote it off as too complex legally) - for me as the healthy and fertile female. Not him, he'd just have to wank into a pot again, but I'd have to go through months of injections, tracking, egg removal, medications, reinsertion of fertilised eggs and so on. It makes me mad that the onus would still be on me to miraculously produce a healthy baby.

We were also late 30s, with a high risk of a complex pregnancy or risk to the health of any baby as well as higher risk of a baby developing with complex needs (or so we were told, not sure how true that was now) so I bottled it.

We've stayed together, but it was a very tough few years while he came to terms with his infertility. It literally emasculated him for some time. Your husband is grieving, the same as you, about the unexpected changes to your future. Take a few more weeks to process it before you push the next step.

Huge sympathies, it's a massive fright.

He would need surgical retrieval of any sperm

Then this is what he needs to do and he needs to start the process straight away.

If you love each other this is your chance to have a family. Ego's need to be put to one side and focus on the end goal and see the bigger picture.

Good luck OP with whatever you decide to do. Show him the thread ?

So sorry, just read your azosperm update. The involvement of the man pales into insignificance when compared with what woman does for ivf, even with small op for him. He needs to get over himself and man up. Does he really want children? You need to discuss with him ASAP, lay all options on table and let him know this is deal breaker. I'm sure you know the ivf success rates diminish rapidly beyond 38.

Also this may have previously been mentioned (apologies if it has) but I know of two men who had quietly had the snip. Their partners wanted kids they said yes let's ttc knowing full well they can't. They let their partners go through all the tests.

One got dobbed in (rightly so imo) who was bragging he gets all the sex he wants on tap because they were" ttc" and he was waiting out her clock. With no risk of pregnancy.

The other one never told his wife and refused to have any scans ect because he knew he would be caught out.

Both massive pricks iMO- you don't wanna have kids fine but bloody say it. Cowards. Still makes my blood boil tbh.

Op it worries me about the finances - he knows he's got you in a rock and a hard place because you aren't actually married and have zero of the protections that would enable you to leave and start a new life over this if you chose to.

I don't think he's being honest with you and I maybe being completely jaded here but in terms of stakes you have so much more to lose than him.

I’d be pretty annoyed that he had (I assume) previously agreed TTC and now is backing out. I don’t see why he can’t undergo a simple operation given you’d be giving birth (and potentially having a C section) to have your child together. He seems quite selfish but if he doesn’t want children then he needs to be honest about it now. I guess only you can decide if you can live a childless lifestyle and if you won’t grow to resent him.

Nothing to add, just my story and a handhold. My DP had azoospermia. There was a problem with his ‘pipes’ following a trauma when much younger. He was ridiculously childish when we were looking into ICSI, said he hated needles when needed to give bloods, didn’t want general anaesthetic, clung onto an incorrect sperm count report and was not keen on using a sperm donor. I think it was his fear of the end of our relationship that kept him moving forward with the process. And also, that the process for ICSI is more invasive for females than males. Good luck, infertility feels like an inescapable nightmare.

@Scottishgirl85 sorry if I sounded snappy - tbh I'm snapping at the smallest things lately... Your response is also exactly what seems unfair – he suggested ttc; then is refusing to go for even a simple scan and potential tiny operation; when I have committed to saying I would go through IVF, pregnancy and birth...! I know he is feeling really fragile and finding it difficult to deal with - but I'm finding that difficult to cope with.

@hourbyhour101 i also know someone who did this, he stole 20 years of her life then ran off with a younger woman from the pub. I hope he rots.
Op have you got any doubts whether could have had a vasectomy

It seems to me that trying to talk about this isn’t working, so I think that you need to try something completely different.

If I was you I would book a flight, just for you, to go back and visit your family for a few weeks.

Explain to him that you’ve done it to give him the thinking time he’s asked for. That you won’t contact him at all whilst you’re away. But tThat when you get back you expect either for him to have been to the clinic or for him to be ready to talk about why not or for him to agree to joint counselling to help the discussion.

Could you tell him that you love him, that you are supportive of him finding this difficult, but that his refusal to engage is damaging your relationship.

ultimately though you know him best. Could you see that working?

I know what hell infertility can wreak on a relationship. For years I felt DP wasn't taking his infertility seriously while mine declined. It was made worse by lockdown (he said he would get things started in January 2020 if we hadn't had any success, put it off and put it off then it was impossible for a year, despite trying for two before then.) I felt that it was hugely unfair that I was carrying the burden for his infertility and I did threaten to leave him. In the end we had ICSI (much less invasive for him than me) and we're incredibly lucky it worked. I was very ill after our son was born but that's another story.

It's so so hard. It must be even harder with azoospermia, as you'd both need invasive treatments. Can you navigate through the difficult feelings and find your way to a solution or do you see your resentment/sadness growing?

IVF can be wonderful but can be terrible and there are so many challenges in front of you if you go down this route, so you need to be absolutely in it together.

I think you are just waiting for the perfect solution to fall into your lap. That is not going to happen. You have a number of options in front of you, all with their particular downsides but you need to make a decision. Which downside can you afford to live with? Staying with your partner and accepting that you won’t have children together, leaving and taking a chance in finding a new willing, fertile partner to impregnate you, leaving and going it alone, using a sperm donor or calling his bluff and using a sperm donor and seeing if he sticks around.

There is no perfect solution that will materialise - you have to compromise your expectations. It may be worth remembering that even for people with no fertility problems there often isn’t a perfect set up/ opportunity for having children. People often have to compromise on the perfect partner / salary / time / career / house ownership / number of children etc.

In your situation I would definitely start counselling. Either individually, so you can think through what you want/ need or couples counselling - to get to the bottom of your partners refusal to engage in this issue and spell out the effect of it in yourself.

You definitely need to put aside any thoughts of what you SHOULD feel towards your partner right now. I don’t think this is helpful. You need to focus on what you need and what compromises you are willing to make (and which you are not).

Excellent suggestion

@hourbyhour101 @Abreezeitheglade I would be so unbelievably shocked if he had done this – in the past he has been genuinely concerned when I've been late with my period and has accompanied me to pharmacy for pregnancy tests. There was definitely no faking his concern! (I was also concerned as we weren't ready to have kids then!)

Could he be worried or squeamish about the operation? I have had a few minor ops, eg a biopsy and yeah I had to really psyche myself up. Has he ever had an op before?

Could the clinic put you in ttouchwith another bloke who's done it?

Although he would look concerned if he though the snip had failed. It would be an extreme thing for him to have done though.

If you think about your life in 5 years time from different perspectives how do you feel? If you’re still with DP can you see yourself feeling content or resentful because he didn’t try every option. If you moved back home and had a child on your own with family support what does this make you feel like? If you fell in love with someone else and had a baby at say 45? Or if you were single and without a child at 45. I know it sounds clinical but might help you think about what you would like most/least?