to think about leaving DH due to infertility

[backoftheplane]

DH and I have been together nearly 11 years (for context, he's actually DP, we're not married but we've just been together for ages and that's how we refer to each other). We found out last year that we have no chance of conceiving naturally due to male factor infertility. I want to explore whether ICSI is an option. I found an excellent fertility doctor for DH a month ago and he still hasn't made an appointment. He said he wants to think about whether or not he even does. I'm devastated. I've posted previously about how depressed the whole situation is making me. Beyond saying he wants to "think about it" DH won't talk about it (he gets angry when I bring it up). He has said no to donor sperm (which I tend to feel the same way about). I just want him to go get a scan. I want to know that we did everything we could. He says he definitely wouldn't have an operation - even the small one needed if ICSI were to be an option. I'm not coping, and I'm considering leaving – but this also feels unfair to DH. When I brought it up again today he snapped that he wouldn't put pressure on me if the situation were reversed.

I've been looking at a lot of previous MN posts about this. It seems that when women who are infertile post about their male partners leaving because of infertility, the overwhelming advice is that the male partner is awful, should be prioritising the female partner with infertility issues and standing by them etc.

When it's the opposite way (my situation) – a woman who is with a male partner with male factor infertility, the overwhelming advice is to leave because otherwise the female partner will regret not having children.

I'm so torn. I know it's not necessarily fair to leave because of something outside of DH's control – but I do feel like it is within his control to explore our options, and he is not doing this. And, even if I do leave where does that leave me? I'm not automatically just going to have children. I'm 38. I will be grieving the end of a decade-long relationship, trying to set up my whole life again, and I'm sure that partners that you want to have children with don't just suddenly appear. So instead of being childless and in a relationship, I would be childless and single. I'm not interested in 'going it alone' either – I simply don't have the support network or financial security on my own.

I just think about the future and feel so sad and lonely. I also live on the other side of the world to all my family and good friends, and I just don't know where to turn.

Please note, I am NOT looking for suggestions like adoption, donor sperm, lifestyle changes etc... I have spent 6 months looking into this and I already know what my options are and what would / wouldn't work for us.

@Icannoteven the idea of us staying together and me using donor sperm (I'm guessing just going ahead with it) and seeing if he sticks around has been suggested to me a few times – and I'm genuinely so confused by this suggestion. Surely this is not actually something people do?! I just can't see any situation in which this works out well for anyone (including a potential child) – the partner with no choice would very likely end up hugely resentful, the pregnant partner would be under huge amounts of stress, and potentially be going through a break up while pregnant...

@TheFrozenCanal I think this is a big part of it – he hates even going to the dentist... he has had one op when he was a child and it did not go well and resulted in other issues, so I think this is all tied up in how he is acting. He just won't talk to me about any of it though.. I think pp suggestions to say I'm not going to bring it up or say anything about it for two months but then we need to have a serious conversation about it is a good one. I think we both just need a break.

To be honest if have reached this point I'd be honest with him about how you're feeling. You can leave a relationship for any reason, it doesn't have to be fair or unfair to the other party- we have to prioritise ourselves sometimes. That said, as you have highlighted unfortunately its not a certainty if you were to leave that you would meet someone and go on to have children especially given your age, it could happen but it's certainly a gamble. Perhaps he isnt keen for the tests as hes in denial, struggling to process things or whatever but if he doesn't know how strongly you feel about it perhaps he would be more open to counselling.

you don't wanna have kids fine but bloody say it.
what and lose the cushy life they have!! A woman to do his bidding and without the hassle and inconvenience of children, especially these days when women expect fathers to step up and do a fair share.
If the man told the truth she might end the relationship and he'd have to do it ALL again, find a woman, pretend he wants the same as she does etc. MUCH easier to keep on fooling the one he's already got...

There’s a really good article in the Sunday Times magazine about male infertility. Blokes feel a lot of shame about it, a lot more than us women. So while him being dismissive isn’t helpful, it’s probably not atypical.

You’ve been together 11 years. What’s a couple more months for him to hopefully accept it and come round and hopefully go for the consultation? Maybe just take the pressure off him for a minute and give him a bit of time with his own thoughts.

I think this is good advice.

Sounds like he needs more time to digest this news.

I remember being terrified because I needed a canula and the nurse looked at me and said , I understand, but it's for your health. I took a deep breath and did it. I was awake for a biopsy too, which was weird but not painful as it was all numbed.
Presuming he wants to live to 90 odd he's bound to need an op in the future, he needs to address his fear. That and the fact that you would need to birth the baby, which takes amazing strength and courage. You would need him to hold your hand and help you through it. You would be there for him if he needed an op and you would be just as proud of him for facing his fears as he will be of you when you give birth.
You're annoyed with him understandably, but it sounds like he needs you. He is 100% still a man because you need him to be a dad and support you and baby.

Moreover, a donor sperm child would absolutely be his. The love he puts into nurturing it and that child will want no father but him. People adopt every day and they love the child too.

If you waited until 38 to even begin ttc, presumably you knew that there was a high probability you would be unable to and were OK with it? If it just 'hadn't happened' would you have left him?

I think you are putting him under an unreasonable amount of pressure, probably resulting from the fact that you have left it so late. Even if they do get sperm from him, and you are able to do ICSI, the chances of success at your age are still quite low.

I think it would be better to accept that you won't have dc, tell him it's in his hands now and that you are stepping back and if he wants to, he can do what is in his power to find out whether it is a possibility or not. If it is, he can come back to you and see how you feel about it at that point. But until he comes back with lab results showing that sperm extraction has been successful, I would forget about dc.

My husband has azoospermia. He had PESA surgery and we then fell pregnant on our third cycle of ICSI.

Azoospermia is very difficult to come to terms with. My reaction to the diagnosis was that I was prepared to do anything and everything to have children and wanted to get started with treatment immediately. My husband took a bit longer to come around to the idea and really struggled for the first year after the diagnosis. It had a huge impact on his mental health and on our relationship, he felt like a failure. It took lots of counselling for him to get back to feeling himself again.

Your partner might just need some time, I know that's really difficult for you though

I’m glad my DH didn’t leave me when I had fertility issues 😥

It took 4 years to conceive DC1, and a further 3 for DC2. My DH was tested and it turned out he has an impressive sperm count. He got a slap on the back from the fertility doctor. I, on the other side went through pure hell on earth. I questioned my existence and purpose, and worried he’d leave me for someone else.

He stood firmly by my side and never once mentioned that it was my issue stopping us being parents.

FYI my DH HATED going in to deal with any kind of doctor, but did it anyway.

I think your DP needs support, and some counselling. It’s the shittiest feeling on earth, believe me.

What cushy life does he have? How do you know how they share household duties? You're making a lot of nasty assumptions from nothing.

I was in a very similar position thirty years ago, and I decided to stay as I loved him. Nothing happened child-wise, then he died ten years later, and I was 38, single/widowed and childless, and it was too late to grieve and find someone else. I don't regret staying with the love of my life, but am still very sad about not being a mum (I'm a step mum). You have my sympathies, it's a tough one. No one can judge you for whatever decision you come to. xx

It sounds as though you have a 2 pronged problem. You want a child, but you do not want a child enough to become a single parent if necessary.

He wants a child, but he does not want a child enough to face confirmation of his own infertility.

For neither of you is there an absolute and unshakable desire to have a child; for each of you the desire for the child comes with conditions.

You do not have an overwhelming desire to have this man' s child. So there should be nothing to prevent your leaving the relationship. However, you have no guarantee that assuming you meet another man that he will desire to have a child or have a child with you.

It seems as though you want the image of a certain life configuration and a child comes with that imagery. You have no desire to have a child if it is not a part of your " family imaginary." You are not longing for a child; you are longing to play the role of mother in your imagined family situation. None of this is necessarily bad, but it might help you to make a decision if you recognize exactly what it is that you are seeking. You are suffering the agony of being childless ,but rather you are suffering the agony of not having a husband with whom you might or might not have a child.

Let the man go as he is just a possible prop in your life's drama. He is not someone with whom you are unconditionally in love.

@RadioactiveWear I'm sorry you went through that – it sounds awful. I'm so happy that you have your 2 DC now. I guess my issue as previous pp have pointed out is that he is just not engaging with anything or communicating with me. He just doesn't want to do anything about it. It sounds like you did everything you could to conceive. If we did try and we were just unable to conceive at all then that is one thing (and I would be devastated but would stay), but to just not even try is what I'm finding very difficult to come to terms with. If it were the other way around, I would be doing everything I could – so it's as if we just want different things.

@backoftheplane I haven't read the full thread (not because of not having time, but because as someone who has been through IVF for my husband also having azoospermia I'm struggling to read the repetitive insensitive responses) so apologies if this has been previously mentioned already. But you DP is obviously struggling with his diagnosis and whilst he doesn't want any counselling or to talk about options now, he may change his mind down the line. Do you think he would entertain a conversation about you going ahead with the first part of the process and freezing your eggs without fertilisation? Preserving your fertility until you can come to an agreement together? Obviously the NHS wouldn't fund you for this though. Sorry for your situation, it must be hard!

It was me that was infertile in our situation and I can tell you now after going through it, he will feel useless, a failure and it'll be very hard for him to get his head around. Give him time to adjust to effectively not being a man able to give his partner a child.

On the other hand I'd have been absolutely horrified if my hubby had upped and left because I couldn't have children, that's very harsh. You're in this together and if you can't have children then you'll have to accept it if you stay. I don't think you're going to find a man to have a child with quickly btw.

But what you don't want to end up doing is regretting not exploring options. My hubby didn't want IVF but we talked and said we'd give it one shot then walk away. So I think give him space and sit down and talk it through. Be empathetic to how he hates his body as it's let him down and explain how much it means to you but I think he knows that.

Good luck x

@Mari9999 I think that the decision to have a child should always "come with conditions" – the knowledge that you would be able to support that child emotionally and financially, that you are giving it the best life you can give it etc. etc. I think that it would be horribly irresponsible of me to have a child alone simply because I want one without thinking of the support I could provide for that child. For you to say "you do not want a child enough to become a single parent if necessary" is, I think, quite offensive.

And where have I said I "do not have an overwhelming desire to have this man' s child." – the whole issue (and one of the reasons I don't really want to consider donor sperm) is because I want to have this man's child.

In fact, your entire post is offensive.

@Mseddy Thank you for your message, and I'm so sorry you have been through this too. It's just so painful, and I don't think people who haven't been through this can fully understand the situation (hence the abundance of insensitive responses..) I have thought about freezing my eggs (and my partner has said he would pay for this) but I have been told by numerous people that at the age of 38 that it is just a waste of time and money... I just wish I had have done it earlier. It is something I'm going to look into properly again though as obviously the advice I've been given is purely anecdotal.. xx

I think he is being selfish. Fertility treatments are way more taxing on the female in a couple (not emotionally but physically). I’m about to start fertility treatment and have had many arguments with my husband who delayed going to give his sample. I’ve already had surgery under GA and am about to have another painful procedure (HSG) and so I find the attitude or certain men like this just galling. It boils down to, he either wants a child or he doesn’t. And if he does then he needs to start moving forward with things, especially knowing really all the physically hard stuff will still unfairly fall to you.

He just doesn't want to do anything about it. It sounds like you did everything you could to conceive. If we did try and we were just unable to conceive at all then that is one thing (and I would be devastated but would stay), but to just not even try is what I'm finding very difficult to come to terms with. If it were the other way around, I would be doing everything I could – so it's as if we just want different things.

Or maybe you just cope with things differently.
It's like some people find a lump and they're off to the doctor that day, needing to sort it all out.
Others find a lump and tell themselves, it's probably normal, they'll just finish the decorating, they'll wait to see it grows or maybe goes away on its own. They're fearful of the outcome so try and ignore the problem.

Obviously, the latter is a futile way to deal with things but maybe it's a starting point for a conversation at some point.

@Mari9999 why are you telling the Op what she thinks? Your post is very confused.

Op, I'm sorry you're going through this. I can understand why you are so hurt that he won't engage in the process. I can see why are feel upset and angry about it considering what women have to go through to have babies. It sounds like he's feeling under a lot of pressure and clamming up or in denial. Do you think you could plan something nice together as a distraction? Like a night away/dinner/a mini break, maybe find the connection between you both again and then that will help get you both talking. It's likely he may well come around to the idea eventually. Counselling is also a really good idea if you can get him to do it.