to think about leaving DH due to infertility

[backoftheplane]

DH and I have been together nearly 11 years (for context, he's actually DP, we're not married but we've just been together for ages and that's how we refer to each other). We found out last year that we have no chance of conceiving naturally due to male factor infertility. I want to explore whether ICSI is an option. I found an excellent fertility doctor for DH a month ago and he still hasn't made an appointment. He said he wants to think about whether or not he even does. I'm devastated. I've posted previously about how depressed the whole situation is making me. Beyond saying he wants to "think about it" DH won't talk about it (he gets angry when I bring it up). He has said no to donor sperm (which I tend to feel the same way about). I just want him to go get a scan. I want to know that we did everything we could. He says he definitely wouldn't have an operation - even the small one needed if ICSI were to be an option. I'm not coping, and I'm considering leaving – but this also feels unfair to DH. When I brought it up again today he snapped that he wouldn't put pressure on me if the situation were reversed.

I've been looking at a lot of previous MN posts about this. It seems that when women who are infertile post about their male partners leaving because of infertility, the overwhelming advice is that the male partner is awful, should be prioritising the female partner with infertility issues and standing by them etc.

When it's the opposite way (my situation) – a woman who is with a male partner with male factor infertility, the overwhelming advice is to leave because otherwise the female partner will regret not having children.

I'm so torn. I know it's not necessarily fair to leave because of something outside of DH's control – but I do feel like it is within his control to explore our options, and he is not doing this. And, even if I do leave where does that leave me? I'm not automatically just going to have children. I'm 38. I will be grieving the end of a decade-long relationship, trying to set up my whole life again, and I'm sure that partners that you want to have children with don't just suddenly appear. So instead of being childless and in a relationship, I would be childless and single. I'm not interested in 'going it alone' either – I simply don't have the support network or financial security on my own.

I just think about the future and feel so sad and lonely. I also live on the other side of the world to all my family and good friends, and I just don't know where to turn.

Please note, I am NOT looking for suggestions like adoption, donor sperm, lifestyle changes etc... I have spent 6 months looking into this and I already know what my options are and what would / wouldn't work for us.

I think it's probably the height of cruelty for people to go god op your such a awful person for considering this I would never do this he's your husband (gasp) so op isn't married 🙄 but I have had two children and such a good person and I would never even consider this.

If you haven't dealt with infertility and have managed to have children you cannot say what you would definitely do because you have never been in OPs shoes so please stop clutching at your fake pearls in fo horror.

That said it's not about leaving him because he can't have kids it's because he's refusing to engage with op and communicate with her. You can't have a healthy relationship or a marriage if your talking to a wall. Which is what OPs dp os doing.

Wow this post is SO out of order. 😡
you have NO idea what the OP is going through. Clearly.
OP’s not married and she’s not “abandoning” her boyfriend either. If anyone is abandoning anyone, it’s he who is abandoning her by refusing to engage in a discussion about something so important.
Regardless - what an awful thing to post.

OP I was in a similar situation very nearly, and was referred for IVF at 40 (v slim chance of conceiving) after an op due to blocked tubes (endo or unknown reason). Meanwhile my partner’s sperm was brilliant.

Thankfully after that op & flushing I was able to fall pregnant and now have a son. I had already resigned myself to not being able to have children though, and decided that even though it would be a terrible loss (I was devastated) I was happy with my partner.

I am the one that pushed for a child, as if I had been waiting for him it wouldn’t happen - no urgency on his part mainly due to his own major anxieties and lack of finances previously, but for men it’s different & I told him as much. I was already feeling resentful for having waited that long.
We had been together a few years already, but he knew I wanted children if that was possible. Knowing this, had he not bothered I would walk away, as the very least he could do was try. I regret waiting as long as I did!

Ultimately, time isn’t on your side. You shouldn’t have to wait until he feels better. You’ve both waited long enough. It’s not about a lack of empathy, it’s about the fact that the clock is ticking. You can speak to him and say it’s a very hard situation for both of you, but if there is a possibility of children you would like to explore it asap. If it doesn’t work you still love him…however, knowing how you feel you can’t afford to wait and doing so is making you resent him and doubt his commitment to you.

You can def meet someone new and potentially have a baby soon. Or if they have kids become a stepmother. I would prob also freeze eggs if that’s an option, but hopefully it won’t get to that point.

Your life choices and relationship values are irrelevant . This is especially so when you and your husband have been able to have children.

you have no idea of how it feels to be in the OP shoes

How long ago did you find out he was infertile? Maybe he is depressed or struggling with finding out this information and is reacting by just pretending it isn't happening and getting on with life. Perhaps if you tackle that and get him to talk about how he feels he will be in a better place mentally and be open to try the other options you have available. I could be way off but this is what came to mind. As others have said I don't think it's the fertility issue that's making you want to leave it's because he's given up and is unwilling to try.

Your opinions are completely bizarre. No one is viewing anyone as a “sperm donor”. And no one is obliged to stay in a relationship with anyone if they are unhappy. That’s all.

My opinions aren't bizarre, you're just in an echo chamber so anything that goes against the hive mind may seem "bizarre" to you.

Considering ending a long term, otherwise happy relationship over your partner being infertile is fucked up. Period.

@ElonsMusky that's not what op is actually complaining about.

Op is talking about her partner not engaging with her and communicating effectively. That would be a problem no matter the topic.

It's a fairly easy position to act scandalised and be judgemental by her thought process after having children with no fertility issues.

Your comments come across self righteous and just a bit naive tbh. The type of person I would actively avoid at a party because your unable to understand another point of view or empathise and think somehow your morally superior having zero lived experience to how this situation feels like.

Bet you describe your self as some one "tells it like it is" 😂 when having no knowledge on a subject. Yikes.

He won't talk to you, won't go for tests, won't give you a straight answer.

That is absolutely awful. He is preventing you from starting a family by stringing you along.

The least he could do is have the decency to tell you what he wants or doesn't want.

The fact he is behaving like this kinda means he doesn't want kids but he doesn't want you to either does he? And he is actively wasting your time, your biological clock. One day it will be too late and you'll never have your family. He will have ruined your life.

That is a choice he is making for you.

We had male factor so we did ICSI. DH sperm were used, but needed help to get to the egg as there were too few to get to me naturally.

They only needed to select 6 and there were millions of them, just not the hundreds of millions needed to be considered fertile.

He isn't a failure of a man by doing ivf. He is if he fails his wife and ruins her chances of becoming a mother.

Surgery is making it sound bigger than it is. A needle is inserted into the testicle to retrieve sperm directly. Not a big deal at all. Unless I'm missing something.

@SwordToFlamethrower only some men can have aspiration, others need TESE or MicroTESE, which are far more invasive surgery.

@ElonsMusky read the thread properly, you're embarrassing yourself.

He may owe the OP a lot of things but he doesn't owe her a child. No one owes that to another person.

Why is no one considering what OP has to go through?

She doesn't have a fertility problem and yet she will have to take daily injections to the stomach, take estrogen and progesterone, have her ovaries produce an unnatural amount of eggs which could hyper stimulate them and cause her to become seriously ill... then have an invasive procedure to extract them. Then if any of the eggs are fertilised, OP has another procedure to put them into her uterus in the hopes one will become a baby.

All her whiny DH has to do is have some sperm taken. Job done.

It is all on OP.

I can't have children without intervention and my (now ex) husband point blank told me he married me to have a family so if I couldnt give him that I was useless. So as someone who was treated poorly for infertility in a relationship, I don't feel that you'd be leaving him because of infertility. You'd be leaving him because he seems completely disinterested in working through this as a team. If you both wanted kids and were upfront about that, that hasn't changed for you, but it has for him. The goalposts have moved out of his choice, not yours.

Your last sentence is so ironic lol.

@ElonsMusky I have asd so it's not tells it like it is, it's my brain is hardwired differently but I'm also aware of my many blind spots because of this. So I'm kinda used to apologising when I have been unwittingly cruel or missed something.

So what I find fascinating is when someone's who has two children comes along and feels morally scandalised by OPs post and makes really unkind comments on purpose when you have never been on OPs shoes, and actually doubles down on them ? 😵‍💫 then used the word ironic ..

I just don't understand how any person could do this to another intentionally . Behind a computer or not.

Sure mn is built for debate but I don't actually know what your comment was trying to achieve other than sticking the boot in and making yourself feel better.

Let's agree to disagree because as I said this conversation has zero value to op.

and I don't know how anyone could do that to their spouse. It's gross. Justify it all you want.

imo you’re not being unreasonable considering he won’t even try other options. Unless he’s changed his mind, in which case he should say that. I would say the same about a woman, I don’t discriminate.

And I understand this is difficult and will take time to come to terms with for him but time is not on your side.

Sorry you’re both going through this.

I'm so sorry your going through this but he needs to think about your future mental health and try everything possible or you will resent him for that in the future which will be bad for both of you. Please talk to him and convince him.to try everything then you both can say you both tried.

Says a woman who has children
you literally have no idea

Is it "changing your mind" to be OK with having children when you think conception will happen naturally but not OK with chasing conception via infertility treatment? I'm not sure it is. Are you obliged to consider adoption too, because you were OK with the idea of trying to conceive a child? Or to use donor sperm/eggs?

He’s not “obliged” to do anything. Equally, Nor is the OP “obliged” to stay in a relationship with him and sacrifice her opportunity to be a mother.