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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think about leaving DH due to infertility

427 replies

backoftheplane · 19/02/2023 16:12

DH and I have been together nearly 11 years (for context, he's actually DP, we're not married but we've just been together for ages and that's how we refer to each other). We found out last year that we have no chance of conceiving naturally due to male factor infertility. I want to explore whether ICSI is an option. I found an excellent fertility doctor for DH a month ago and he still hasn't made an appointment. He said he wants to think about whether or not he even does. I'm devastated. I've posted previously about how depressed the whole situation is making me. Beyond saying he wants to "think about it" DH won't talk about it (he gets angry when I bring it up). He has said no to donor sperm (which I tend to feel the same way about). I just want him to go get a scan. I want to know that we did everything we could. He says he definitely wouldn't have an operation - even the small one needed if ICSI were to be an option. I'm not coping, and I'm considering leaving – but this also feels unfair to DH. When I brought it up again today he snapped that he wouldn't put pressure on me if the situation were reversed.

I've been looking at a lot of previous MN posts about this. It seems that when women who are infertile post about their male partners leaving because of infertility, the overwhelming advice is that the male partner is awful, should be prioritising the female partner with infertility issues and standing by them etc.

When it's the opposite way (my situation) – a woman who is with a male partner with male factor infertility, the overwhelming advice is to leave because otherwise the female partner will regret not having children.

I'm so torn. I know it's not necessarily fair to leave because of something outside of DH's control – but I do feel like it is within his control to explore our options, and he is not doing this. And, even if I do leave where does that leave me? I'm not automatically just going to have children. I'm 38. I will be grieving the end of a decade-long relationship, trying to set up my whole life again, and I'm sure that partners that you want to have children with don't just suddenly appear. So instead of being childless and in a relationship, I would be childless and single. I'm not interested in 'going it alone' either – I simply don't have the support network or financial security on my own.

I just think about the future and feel so sad and lonely. I also live on the other side of the world to all my family and good friends, and I just don't know where to turn.

Please note, I am NOT looking for suggestions like adoption, donor sperm, lifestyle changes etc... I have spent 6 months looking into this and I already know what my options are and what would / wouldn't work for us.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 19/02/2023 16:42

I've been looking at a lot of previous MN posts about this. It seems that when women who are infertile post about their male partners leaving because of infertility, the overwhelming advice is that the male partner is awful, should be prioritising the female partner with infertility issues and standing by them etc.

When it's the opposite way (my situation) – a woman who is with a male partner with male factor infertility, the overwhelming advice is to leave because otherwise the female partner will regret not having children.

Because the women of MN are supporting the women posting, whether she's the one with infertility or the one whose partner is infertile.

I think you need to stop thinking of this as a moral issue, thinking are you awful or not? Start thinking of it as a practical issue. If you left it's not probable you will meet, fall in love with and TTC with someone else so quickly it will happen. In that case, will you move back to family, will you make choices that will make you happy? Or would you be happier staying, even if he won't or can't try any more?

I think with DH I'd have chosen to stay, but I wasn't desperate to have children and he would have done everything to try. Are there other issues in the relationship? Is he typically inflexible and stubborn? You I've away from family, was that a mutual choice? Really think about what you have and whether it's enough.

Sarahcoggles · 19/02/2023 16:43

This is such a common issue. Men often really struggle to accept that they may be infertile. It's all about manhood. I've had a couple of patients whose husbands won't even do a sperm sample. They simply refuse, clearly because they know they can't face being told they're "not a real man" - that's how they see it.

It sounds as if your DH just doesn't want to go through a load of uncomfortable humiliating hassle. He doesn't want a child enough for it to be worth it. And that's his choice to make,

In your place I would probably leave, because I know that I would resent him for ever. Considering what women go through in natural pregnancies, and what you'd be going through in an IVF pregnancy, what he's being asked to do is nothing. I would find it hard to get past that feeling that he had the chance to do something and he refused.

Original poster
backoftheplane · 19/02/2023 16:43

@zen1 It feels like he's not really bothered. But I also know he feels really upset about the whole situation and like he's 'failed'. I just don't know what to do and I'm fucking hating my life.

OP posts:
Rainbowshit · 19/02/2023 16:44

If it was me I'd be telling him that I was going to have a baby with or without him. That I'd prefer it was together with him but that not trying would be a deal breaker for me.

If he's not on board I'd leave and find a donor.

That's just me though. I would not feel that life was complete without a child. Depends how much it means to you.

VenusStarr · 19/02/2023 16:44

It sounds like you want different things and are not on the same page about your future. I feel for you.

I've been ttc for over 5 years and we've had multiple losses / ivf / treatment over that time. It came to a head last year after a failed cycle and my dh and I weren't on the same page for a while. We agreed to take a break from everything fertility and I was petrified that trying for a baby could end up costing me my marriage and my husband. Taking space was what we needed and more importantly what I needed for my mental health as it has consumed me. For me, I now know that if we don't have children, we will be ok as we have each other.

I appreciate your situation is different, but ultimately I guess the question is, is being a mom and having a baby more important to you than your relationship?

Not an easy decision, sending love x

Sirzy · 19/02/2023 16:46

You can leave for whatever reason you want. But it seems you have picked one option and decided it’s the only option having discounted others but perhaps he doesn’t feel happy going that way and feels pressured?

leaving him won’t mean you end up having a baby, you would still need to meet someone else etc. Having fertility treatment doesn’t guarantee it either.

it’s a tough situation all around

Sarahcoggles · 19/02/2023 16:47

backoftheplane · 19/02/2023 16:43

@zen1 It feels like he's not really bothered. But I also know he feels really upset about the whole situation and like he's 'failed'. I just don't know what to do and I'm fucking hating my life.

Well I would tell him that he hasn't failed, that it's not his fault, but that he's failing now by not taking steps to remedy the situation.

Hbh17 · 19/02/2023 16:48

To me, staying in a good relationship would be the priority, alongside respecting ap artner's choices about their own health. But then I have never understood the burning wish some people have to have children.
I guess you have to imagine how you would feel if you left and then still couldn't/didn't have a child....

Hoping1 · 19/02/2023 16:49

Hi what were his results of his sample. Where were they done at xxx

IsThePopeCatholic · 19/02/2023 16:50

Does he know you’re thinking of leaving him, op? It’s such a difficult situation. If it were me, I would stay with him - but only if you have a really good relationship. Otherwise, I’d leave and take my chances on finding a suitable new partner.

Original poster
backoftheplane · 19/02/2023 16:50

@Rainbowshit as I mentioned in my OP – I don't have the support network or financial security to go it alone with donor sperm. If I were to leave, I would barely be able to afford to rent a place on my own given the rising cost of living, let alone afford to properly support a child as a single parent (DH earns a lot more than me and he has paid off our mortgage so we are financially stable enough to have a child together).

OP posts:
GoodChat · 19/02/2023 16:50

Forgive my ignorance but if he's said no to a sperm donor and no to any kind of surgery, are there options where you could still conceive?

Fixed · 19/02/2023 16:51

If you were to leave do you think you'd have kids? Alone, sperm donor etc etc? If you don't think you would then you gain nothing from leaving, especially if you're happy in your relationship in every other way. If you think you would do it alone through whatever means, then absolutely leave him. Everyone has a right to decide whether they have kids or not, through whatever means. If he doesn't want them or doesn't want to pursue anything he's not wrong. But if that doesn't work for you then you know what you need to do.

Sarahcoggles · 19/02/2023 16:52

I think with couples facing infertility, things can be OK as long as they're on the same page.
If you both do whatever you possibly can to optimise your chances (diet, lifestyle, surgical procedures etc) and it still doesn't work, then you can face it together. You can acknowledge that you pursued all avenues and it wasn't to be. You can move on together.

But if one person wants to halt the process before the other, then the resentment will never go away. There's no "right" or "wrong" person in a situation like this. Everyone is entitled to their own choices about how far they go. But the disparity means, in my opinion, that the relationship is doomed.

Original poster
backoftheplane · 19/02/2023 16:53

probably not. I think we would need to use ICSI if there is any chance – which involves very minor surgery for him from my understanding. The first step is a simple scan to see what's going on and what our options are and if there even are any options. He doesn't want to do any of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
backoftheplane · 19/02/2023 16:54

@GoodChat I forgot to @ you above

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 19/02/2023 16:54

I would stay with him. Sadly I think that you don't have time to get to the stage of being ready to have children with another man before your fertile years are over. I find with my dh he is very sensitive about certain things and he doesn't like to discuss them at all. He is usually like that about his job as his earnings are low and I'm thinking that your dh might be the same about his fertility problems. He could be embarrassed or ashamed that he can get you pregnant and so he sticks his head in the sand and won't talk about it. I don't know what the solution is though.

quietnightmare · 19/02/2023 16:56

At 38 you know the drill.

You need to acknowledge his feelings that he possibly is feeling his masculinity is in question which to you of course it is not but he may not see it this way

He needs to put his big boy pants on and lay his cards on the table he needs to make it clear he will try and explore other avenues or he needs to let you go

Living in limbo is hell for you. But leaving you could end up not finding anyone or having a child but at least it gives you a chance ! There is zero chance you having a child with him if he's not willing to even discuss options. So basically leave and give yourself a chance or he engages with exploring options and gives you a chance or which is the current situation he refuses to engrave and leaves you with zero chance of having a child and you ending up hating him

It's up to you

Zippidydoda · 19/02/2023 16:56

backoftheplane · 19/02/2023 16:53

probably not. I think we would need to use ICSI if there is any chance – which involves very minor surgery for him from my understanding. The first step is a simple scan to see what's going on and what our options are and if there even are any options. He doesn't want to do any of it.

Does he definitely want children. Seems odd he wouldn’t even go for a scan or explore simple possibilities of having children if he really wants them.

Maybe he realised he isn’t that bothered. I suppose deciding to try for children is one thing, actively having to have appointments etc would probably require more commitment to wanting kids.

Either way he should be talking to you about it. So you at least know how he feels and why.

GoodChat · 19/02/2023 16:57

backoftheplane · 19/02/2023 16:53

probably not. I think we would need to use ICSI if there is any chance – which involves very minor surgery for him from my understanding. The first step is a simple scan to see what's going on and what our options are and if there even are any options. He doesn't want to do any of it.

Ah, I see.
You say your relationship hasn't been good since you found out about the infertility - is that because neither of you can talk about it, ie you need to and he refuses or are there other things going on too?

Riri24 · 19/02/2023 16:57

I'm so sorry you are in this situation OP. It seems like it is not the fertility problems that are the issue here, but more his complete refusal to engage with any potential solutions. Are you sure he actually wants to have a child? He is well within his rights not to want a child and not to want to do any fertility treatment, but it seems like he is also not doing anything to try and save your relationship either ie. Couples counselling. You say it you leave him you may end up with no child and no relationship but if you stay I think you will always resent him and the anger and grief will drive you apart. I know you don't want to go it alone but you may still meet someone else and be able to have a child. Any chance is better than no chance. Even if you end up child free you will certainly meet someone else to have a wonderful relationship with, someone who you won't resent and who won't be a constant reminder of this whole situation. X

rwalker · 19/02/2023 16:57

He obviously feels pressured
there’s a lot of emotions flying around
infertility must have a massive mental strain on both of you but the one with the infertility can have a range of extra emotions from guilt to failure

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 19/02/2023 16:58

So you're focussed on having children and have been for 11 years. You find the idea of never having children quite devastating. I think everyone would agree that's understandable. But 6 months ago your DP found out that he is infertile, and almost certainly has been devastated by feelings that he isn't a "real man". Yet I hear no sympathy or understanding from you about how he is feeling - only a continuing focus on what you want.

Eatentoomanyroses · 19/02/2023 16:59

Harsh it might be but I’d leave a man that couldn’t give me what I want most definitely. I’d leave a man who wasn’t willing to do whatever it took to give me the life I want. I’d see the refusal to explore things as symptomatic of the relationship not being that great. What’s the reason you’re not married after this long? Is that your choice or has he not asked?

blueskies94 · 19/02/2023 16:59

ICSI doesn't normally/necessarily mean surgery. We had ICSI and it was the same as IVF but the embryologist injects the sperm into the egg, rather than leaving them in a Petri dish.

He might need surgery if you need TESE, this is normally if there's essentially zero sperm and they hope to find some via surgery. As far as I know this is fairly unusual though.

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